[KazzaX]

I have T tomorrow and I can tell its not going to go well. I have this pattern (T knows about it) where I get to so many sessions in and my emotions (esp aggression) get out of control and then the therapy ends. I can tell tomorrow is going to be that session... you can feel it beforehand, it is unmistakeable. I should note that when I say aggression I mean verbal.. I would not hit a T (thank god!).

The obvious answer to this one is "talk to T about it". I did that with the last 4 or so therapists and it did not help nor did it stop the pattern. So either I'm talking about it wrong or it was not the right thing to do. The last T I brought in a rubber band on my wrist (you know the rubber-band-flicking-trick) and when I started to do it she got very alarmed. Weird because it wasn't even very hard but the rubber band thing works to snap me out of it. This T told me she doesn't like the rubber band idea either. So that one is out.

I think the issue is that I go in there already triggered and once triggered, only pain (eg rubber band manuevre) will get me out of it. Whenever they say anything whatsoever it just escalates my anger until I have to leave.

Is there a proper way to bring the topic up?? Maybe I've been doing it wrong with the previous Ts. I need to somehow bring it up without escalating the anger (which is VERY difficult to do). Maybe just a statement of the facts with no emotion (the facts of my "pattern") might do it. If I leave the emotional stuff alone maybe my aggression wouldn't escalate? I have no idea :O

Or anyone got a chill pill I can borrow? lol

edited to add: I don't want to ruin this therapy. She's probably the best T i've been with so far. It would be a huge bummer to let this one get away.

Originally Posted by KazzaX

I have T tomorrow and I can tell its not going to go well. I have this pattern (T knows about it) where I get to so many sessions in and my emotions (esp aggression) get out of control and then the therapy ends. I can tell tomorrow is going to be that session... you can feel it beforehand, it is unmistakeable. I should note that when I say aggression I mean verbal.. I would not hit a T (thank god!).

The obvious answer to this one is "talk to T about it". I did that with the last 4 or so therapists and it did not help nor did it stop the pattern. So either I'm talking about it wrong or it was not the right thing to do. The last T I brought in a rubber band on my wrist (you know the rubber-band-flicking-trick) and when I started to do it she got very alarmed. Weird because it wasn't even very hard but the rubber band thing works to snap me out of it. This T told me she doesn't like the rubber band idea either. So that one is out.

I think the issue is that I go in there already triggered and once triggered, only pain (eg rubber band manuevre) will get me out of it. Whenever they say anything whatsoever it just escalates my anger until I have to leave.

Is there a proper way to bring the topic up?? Maybe I've been doing it wrong with the previous Ts. I need to somehow bring it up without escalating the anger (which is VERY difficult to do). Maybe just a statement of the facts with no emotion (the facts of my "pattern") might do it. If I leave the emotional stuff alone maybe my aggression wouldn't escalate? I have no idea :O

Or anyone got a chill pill I can borrow? lol

edited to add: I don't want to ruin this therapy. She's probably the best T i've been with so far. It would be a huge bummer to let this one get away.

i take a benzo before session if i am getting panicky or out of control.

[growlycat]

Maybe handing T a note at the beginning of the session explaining what's going on, maybe even request that they let you stay silent for awhile, maybe T is willing to talk for awhile (without asking questions)

Will T start off by just doing something with you, a round of poker, anything to diffuse the initial tension? I wonder if you can get over that initial hump things might settle?

[CantExplain]

If the anger is in you, T is a good place to let it out.

[KazzaX]

Ohh the note is a good idea. I can't really stand akward silences (you know how Ts go quiet on purpose for various reasons) but I like the idea about the round of poker or something along those lines. That could be good, I will put that in the note. I'm not sure if its just the initial hump that is the issue but its sure worth trying.

Thanks!!

[KazzaX]

CantExplain: Yeah I see what you mean but the problem is, if I let out the anger I become violent so yeah.. not a good idea to go letting it out in therapy hehe. I would end up in jail!!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

CantExplain: Yeah I see what you mean but the problem is, if I let out the anger I become violent so yeah.. not a good idea to go letting it out in therapy hehe. I would end up in jail!!

Thinking outside the box...

Maybe T could strap you to the chair?

[KazzaX]

That would be kinda cool actually, lol

[Asiablue]

Could you ask your T if there is some sort of physical therapy you could get that lets the anger out in a more appropriate manner. Like smashing old plates, throwing paint or eggs at walls while talking? Actually i'd love to do that too

[KazzaX]

I'll ask her about it. thanks!

[elliemay]

Why do you think you do this? Where does the anger come from do you think?

Anger certainly doesn't have to hurt anyone, if the note doesn't work sometimes simply saying "I am really pissed off, and I mean really really really pissed off" might work too.

I think you can let yourself off the hook a little bit here. You don't have to attack, you don't have to do anything at all in fact. You get to keep this therapist if you want to. It's okay. Being angry doesn't have to spoil anything.

You feel the way you feel, but it requires nothing of you.

[KazzaX]

I don't have any control over it when I lose my temper. I just go into a white rage.. its like a huuuge outburst. Things and people get destroyed when I am in a rage. The only way to stop it is to prevent it in the first place.

The idea is through therapy i make it so I don't need to have rages anymore (they are like an overblown defense mechanism apparently). I have no control over it atm because I have only been seeing this T for a couple of months. The therapy is so that I can replace the uncontrollable rages with something else. it is early days yet But that is the plan like you said ... make it so that i can control myself in the rages and then do something instead of destroying people/things.

edited: oh i forgot about your other question. I have no idea where the rages come from because apparently I am cut off from my "vulnerable" parts. Accessing that is the main goal of therapy and will hopefully reveal why I get so angry over what seems like nothing.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

I don't have any control over it when I lose my temper. I just go into a white rage.. its like a huuuge outburst. Things and people get destroyed when I am in a rage. The only way to stop it is to prevent it in the first place.

The idea is through therapy i make it so I don't need to have rages anymore (they are like an overblown defense mechanism apparently). I have no control over it atm because I have only been seeing this T for a couple of months. The therapy is so that I can replace the uncontrollable rages with something else. it is early days yet But that is the plan like you said ... make it so that i can control myself in the rages and then do something instead of destroying people/things.

edited: oh i forgot about your other question. I have no idea where the rages come from because apparently I am cut off from my "vulnerable" parts. Accessing that is the main goal of therapy and will hopefully reveal why I get so angry over what seems like nothing.

I say give yourself a little credit, I bet you could control them if you knew how. Maybe this therapy session you could start that discussion.

I know when I first started this kind of conversation with my therapist, I was very angry. It felt like he was blaming me for having no control over myself. It took a good while to realize he was right, I did not have to suffer the whim of every emotion - no matter how strong. I have a say in how I act.

I do have some control over myself. It's good.

[WikidPissah]

I think the note is a great idea, maybe ask to do some progressive muscle relaxation? Some grounding work too. I think you need to come up with creative ways of letting off the steam, running, exorcise, yoga, meditation...there's a lot of stuff. The anger isn't bad, it's what you do with it that matters. Good luck!

[KazzaX]

Yeah we had the discussion last week about that. Maybe with some more therapy, in time I will be able to control it! That would be great Life will be SOOOOO much easier.

Definitely going to do the note I think.

[unaluna]

do you think your T's get scared of you? I don't understand why this becomes the last session - who fires whom? and if you know this is the patern, then I agree with the posters - don't blindly follow it, discuss with T why it happens? good luck. pocket riders?

[pbutton]

I think it's great that you recognize the pattern. What steps are you going to take to do something different this time?

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Could you ask your T if there is some sort of physical therapy you could get that lets the anger out in a more appropriate manner. Like smashing old plates, throwing paint or eggs at walls while talking? Actually i'd love to do that too

My T once suggested, when I was having trouble expressing anger, that we could go outside and I could throw ice at the wall of the building. I declined...too self-conscious, with her building being a big office building. However, when I got home, I took a big cup of ice, went outside and started hurling ice at the wall of my house. It did actually help.

Maybe that's something you could do before session, to kinda get some of the anger out.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

My T once suggested, when I was having trouble expressing anger, that we could go outside and I could throw ice at the wall of the building. I declined...too self-conscious, with her building being a big office building. However, when I got home, I took a big cup of ice, went outside and started hurling ice at the wall of my house. It did actually help.

Maybe that's something you could do before session, to kinda get some of the anger out.

My trouble is getting in touch with my anger not it overflowing lol

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

My T once suggested, when I was having trouble expressing anger, that we could go outside and I could throw ice at the wall of the building.

Ice? Why ice?

What about exercise, physical exhaustion ... Boxing or running before T so your too tired to rage. Or if you feel it coming on do 100 pushups or something to release it....stress ball in hand maybe?

[KazzaX]

Hankster, yes I think it is because they get scared of me, lol (or shocked). I always tell them in advance "if I have the urge to get violent I will just walk out, I don't want to hit a person or cause damage!" and they are ok with that. But when it actually happens I must look really scary or something because I can see fear in their eyes. It depends from T to T as to who is scared and who isn't.

For example, The T i had who had 30 years experience was a little shocked at first but she wasn't particularly scared. You could tell she had seen worse in her time. But in comparison, the T I had last year who looked like she was fresh out of uni... ohh she was very scared, lol.

This T i have now seems to be able to handle it ok. She is younger than me but she doesn't get very shocked, and I think this is one of the reasons I want to keep seeing her. Cuz I know I have to work on the anger!! She is very good, the T I have now.She knows its not a good idea to talk to me when I'm like that but she said we will work up to that. That sounds good to me!

[KazzaX]

Yeah the plan is when I can leave the house again, I will start doing some sort of exercise. It doesn't usually touch the anger (from past experience.. i used to run long distances, do boxing and all that jazz) but I still need exercise so its all good haha

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Ice? Why ice?

'Cuz it's readily available, it won't hurt the building, and it shatters on impact. Plus, the cold sensation of an ice cube in my hand helped me to stay present.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

Hankster, yes I think it is because they get scared of me, lol (or shocked). I always tell them in advance "if I have the urge to get violent I will just walk out, I don't want to hit a person or cause damage!" and they are ok with that. But when it actually happens I must look really scary or something because I can see fear in their eyes. It depends from T to T as to who is scared and who isn't.

For example, The T i had who had 30 years experience was a little shocked at first but she wasn't particularly scared. You could tell she had seen worse in her time. But in comparison, the T I had last year who looked like she was fresh out of uni... ohh she was very scared, lol.

This T i have now seems to be able to handle it ok. She is younger than me but she doesn't get very shocked, and I think this is one of the reasons I want to keep seeing her. Cuz I know I have to work on the anger!! She is very good, the T I have now.She knows its not a good idea to talk to me when I'm like that but she said we will work up to that. That sounds good to me!

I have scared my T.