I posted this over at the Self-Injury catagory, y-day morning.
i haven't gotten a reply yet, although i know it was posted just yesterday but my T appt is tommorow morning and i'me hoping to get some feedback b4 i go to see her.

I wanted to open up to myself and ask about something that I never spoken about to my T.
When i was a kid growing up between 6-11 y/o at least, and would make some trouble or i was behaving badly, my parents use to take a leather strap to me and hit me till i bruised to almost welts on my legs. my father would get a small branch off of a tree and whip my legs with it till i screamed with cries. I got hit alot...
my mother mostley just used the leather strap which was in the drawer, and my father also used it also on me. I can't remember if they said they beat me cause they loved me or not?
But later on in life, just a few years ago i began hitting myself hard upon my legs as hard as i could take the pain. I used a wide belt, like the leather strap.
i have also taken a fork several times to scrape and make bleed my skin, only on my legs.
I have never felt loved by anyone my entire life. i have not had a serious relationship with a woman in 20 years now. i blame this on my other depression, social behaviour problems. Why do i hit myself? Am i trying to feel some love from getting hurt like that because of my parents beating me?
I have not strapped myself or used a fork in about a year now.
but I think about it again.
Anyone relate to this why i do this?

I wanted to mention I am now 56 y/o.
and I think I have even started inflicting pain upon myself even longer back..
__________________

[beauflow]

((Abscondist)) I do think this is something to talk to your therapist about, weather or not it be this coming visit or next.

There are a lot of reasons for self harm--- I differ from others, and others differ from me..

I tend to want to hurt myself for punishment... punishment when I was little was being hit with a belt by dad--- or slapped by mom when we did 'something wrong'... weather or not it be truly wrong, or just what they thought we did....

I do believe for at least me, it was a wire that was built in of - punishment of doing things wrong, punishment in the form of hurting,

Other times of self harm for me is due to feeling of lack of control. Cutting I have control

For others it can range from emotions as well and many other things... some people dissociate when they self harm as well.. it all ranges...

I do need to add that through time and other thinking patterns that developed for myself, that going the route of hurting is not always the first thing all the time in my mind.. other times it is and is dwelled on for far too long, but actions of those thoughts have been better controlled with help (outside a lot) of reminding myself to think positively-- sometimes I do manage to remind myself, but it is a struggling thing to work on for myself.

Love is a difficult subject for myself as well--- to be in pain emotionally is not love, to suffer as some have had me do in the past is not love.. what is my definition of love may vary from yours.... what is love to you? is it beating yourself to feel the love since it is an emotion?

I am not a therapist and probably should not even be posting here, ii am not in therapy right now..

But that is all that I can say on this-- I think you should talk to you Therapist and see what they say.

Many hugs and may you heal with your journey

I am sorry you had such a horrible up bringing kids should not be treated this way.

[unaluna]

(((beauflow))), you can always post here.

abscondist, I wanted to reply in case you don't get many replies. it's good that you will be sharing this with your T. That's what she's there for. you are advancing so quickly in therapy. I know - what choice do we really have at our age, right? still, not many are able to open their heart as you have. You have our support as you go thru this difficult time.

Definitely bring this up to T. beauflow brought up many reasons people hurt themselves. The other ones I can think, from my perspective, are to have that physical pain match the mental pain one is feeling, that was it for me. The inside to match the outside or sometimes just to FEEL anything, or as a distraction to my inner pain, or a release of the inner pain. Its a subject worth exploring and If you still have those urges , yes bring it up. Good luck with T and let us know how its going.

[SoupDragon]

I am so sorry that you experienced those things as a child - as people above have posted, I think self harm / injury has many triggers and for me begining to understand what these are for me has been helpful.

I hope this is something that you are able to discuss with your T.

Soup

[stopdog]

I can relate to it in childhood experience, current si, and age. Perhaps a pm conversation would be useful?

I am crying as I just opened this page.
TY very much for your very fast replies.
i was very embarresed & ashamed to post this.
i thought that was why no one was replying to me in the other catagory.
i have been searching on the internet to help me decide what it is to make me do this act.
of course all of you should resond, beauflow. thx hankster and all of you.

giving my emotional well being I found a partial list which would include me.

Escape from emptiness, depression, and feelings of unreality
Preventing suicide
Continuing abusive patterns: self-injurers tend to have been abused as children.
Punishing oneself for being "bad"
Providing relief: when intense feelings build, self-injurers are overwhelmed and unable to cope. By causing pain, they reduce the level of emotional and physiological arousal to a bearable one.
Grounding in reality, as a way of dealing with feelings of depersonalization and dissociation

it makes some sense to me now
and all that you all wrote.

thx from my heart to you all.

[WikidPissah]

abscondist...SI and pain releases "feel good" endorphins, and you get a momentary relief. Momentary is key, as the shame pours in quite quickly. Congrats on going a year without it. Please know that there are a lot of us older folks who understand the draw of SI. I hope you can talk with T at some point.

Beauflow...you are always welcome here. Your comments encourage people.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

abscondist...SI and pain releases "feel good" endorphins, and you get a momentary relief. Momentary is key, as the shame pours in quite quickly. Congrats on going a year without it. Please know that there are a lot of us older folks who understand the draw of SI. I hope you can talk with T at some point.

Beauflow...you are always welcome here. Your comments encourage people.

yes, i have also come across this reading on it at a website.

thank you for your words

TY Stopdog, I shld,

Perhaps a pm conversation would be useful? ty

today i am writing and preparing myself 4 tommorows visit.

[stopdog]

Good luck with the visit tomorrow.

Trigger Warning for Physical Child stuff--------





One of the parts I remember is that it was relatively unpleasant to be sent out to cut the switches for them to use. from about 4 yrs old on. My sibling and I were hit younger than that, but did not have to cut the switches yourself until then. Probably because you could get hurt with the knife. And I can remember that and the welts etc after. I actually remember very little of the actual event. I don't know if that is odd or not.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by abscondist

I posted this over at the Self-Injury catagory, y-day morning.
i haven't gotten a reply yet, although i know it was posted just yesterday but my T appt is tommorow morning and i'me hoping to get some feedback b4 i go to see her.

I wanted to open up to myself and ask about something that I never spoken about to my T.
When i was a kid growing up between 6-11 y/o at least, and would make some trouble or i was behaving badly, my parents use to take a leather strap to me and hit me till i bruised to almost welts on my legs. my father would get a small branch off of a tree and whip my legs with it till i screamed with cries. I got hit alot...
my mother mostley just used the leather strap which was in the drawer, and my father also used it also on me. I can't remember if they said they beat me cause they loved me or not?
But later on in life, just a few years ago i began hitting myself hard upon my legs as hard as i could take the pain. I used a wide belt, like the leather strap.
i have also taken a fork several times to scrape and make bleed my skin, only on my legs.
I have never felt loved by anyone my entire life. i have not had a serious relationship with a woman in 20 years now. i blame this on my other depression, social behaviour problems. Why do i hit myself? Am i trying to feel some love from getting hurt like that because of my parents beating me?
I have not strapped myself or used a fork in about a year now.
but I think about it again.
Anyone relate to this why i do this?

I wanted to mention I am now 56 y/o.
and I think I have even started inflicting pain upon myself even longer back..
__________________

I hope ur session with ur T is helpful. And it helps with your therapy.

well,

I had my T appt this morning.
I had written a poem last time about stuff that was going on and telling of the support, direction, and guidence that I needed.
(see my poem at my other post)
I had read it to her at the last appt: and i asked that she keep and read it agn. She said we would dicuss it at our next session.

Today, I asked her if she had read it,
She just said, yes, i looked it over.
She never mentioned about it again.
Not even any feedback or comment.

So i talked about the past 2 weeks, what was going on emotionally, ect,..
i then wanted to hand her the above post that i copied and printed, in the intention of her prbly reading it later, and talking about it at my next appt.
She would not accept it, and that i would talk about it when i was ready.
i told her that I had handed her a note 3 months back that said my mother had died. It was difficult for me to blurt that out then, as she had just passed 3 days earlier.
I kept on telling her why i wanted her to take and read my letter (post) but no go. I told her how deep this problem hurts me and I needed to talk about it, and i told her i had never mentioned this problem to her b4. She does not know about this SI as i didnt mention.
also, she was late at least 15 minutes making me w8 in the w8ing room again.

this all being said, at the end of the session I signed my form for the session, and i walked out the door not looking back and told her, "have a good day", harshly spoken, as i swung open the door forcefully and walked out.

I am hurt and angry.
I'd rather feel angry, as it goes away quicker than the hurt.

She had handed me a card for the nxt appt, but I QUIT!

Waisted one year w T

so it goes...

oh, abscondist, that sounds really, really difficult. It doesn't sound as if your T was listening to you and validating your feelings at all. And breaking a promise to talk about a subject is really not on. I totally understand you not wanting to go back there.

Are you thinking of finding another T?

No, I am not.

That sounds awful abscondist, I swear she sounds like my xT ...she was poison in a sweater. I know your hurting but don't let one bad T ruin all of them. I found a way better one and you can too.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Abscondist,
I think that you should tell your T about it. If you are worried about it or even if you aren't, your T is there to help you sort it out. Take care!

I had mentioned problems about my T in an earlier post.
95% of my replies were to terminate her and find another.
I will be contacting the office to end my therapy there w/ her.
When you have State insurance, they send you to anybody.

I am taking a break for now. I will continue my meds and still see my physiciatrist at the same office.

After going to her, I am still trying to find that i got something from going there..?
i don't want to think i completely waisted over 1 year of my life without any treatment.

Thank you everyone for replying to me.
it is greatly appreciated, and i needed that most.

take care, all.

can i still stay here w/o having a therapist.?
I know that i will keep chking in at the Depression, Self injury, Anxiety & Panic catagories. Those are my forums.

[beauflow]

((Abscondist))

Not all are great fits for individuals -- I am sure many can say they went to a few before finding one that was a good fit-- others are great with finding that first fit--

I am so sorry that you had this experience with your T , i had a similar one which last February I quit due to felt pushed to do so-- needless to say, it does not help much when things like this happen

But it is ok--
It is ok to take breaks, it is ok to contemplate weather or not therapy is a right fit for you, it is ok to continue on your own with healing as best as you can-- but if you find that some things are still stumbling blocks, perhaps looking into another therapist is a good idea-- it is ok to continue reading, posting, getting support where you can

i know, there are so many factors with therapy, my insurance actually does not cover therapy even though by law for CO Mental Health is to be covered as Psychical health but my insurance the last two years has gotten 'graces' from the government for not even matching the physical part of benefits- that is why I went to the County therapist when i went and was accepted.... But I know there are also sliding scale therapists as well that may help... it may be a search, which can be tiring but I encourage it (for me to do as well).

I think one thing (there were several things for me actually but) that was over looked in my case was the County therapist I was seeing did not know much about one of my Dx's (PTSD) and for the Bipolar dx she wanted to push me off to some where else, worse yet after a while with some of my own reading I disagreed with the bipolar dx, but she was full forward that Bipolar was my problem... with her not knowing much on PTSD and not wanting to deal with the other, sessions were hard to say the lease with her... especially after a medication round that did not make me better.
With that being said-
Is there anyone else that you can see with the State office that you were going to? I know that was an option for me, that I could switch therapist in their office but I did not. (I did with pdocs though).

Many hugs to you And again sorry this had happened... a lot of state, county, help are over booked themselves-- meaning I do think they show a little lack of empathy to their patients due to they are worn out-- we can only expect so much from a human--- but at the same time, they are in a field that -- that empathy, caring, listening, is really needed for others to heal and get the help they need.....

I wish you well

Never give up on yourself - even if that trying is with out a professional

Thank you very much for your replies to my posts.
It really meant alot to me, to what you all said.
I'm just so discourauged w/ myself right now for not ending my therapy w/ her a long time ago. 1 year is a long time to wait and see if anything helped..Now look whats left of me.
I don't know what i am going to do, but I can tell you that it feels better than therapy, just coming to PhycCntrl.com

Now i have to get over all these mixed emotions i am left with.
I'm also sorry to you all that have had bad experiances with past T's. I am sorry to hear that.
Guess it was my turn...I was such a fool.

thx agn