[~EnlightenMe~]

I'm going to be a copycat and make a thread hiring whomever is willing to stand in for my therapist until I get another one. It has to be pro bono as I am broke.

So, boundary time, lol, is it okay if I have sessions 24/7 whenever I want them? I don't expect immediate answers to my posts, really I have no expectations in that manner. This feels like freedom.

[stopdog]

Have at it. I am picturing a lucy/peanuts type stand. The therapists are in.

ya, i would love too although take anything i say with a huge "grain of salt"

[TheWell]

Go for it we are here.

I'm in

So antimatter, how are you feeling today?

lol, so anti matter what brings you here today? What happened during the week?

[WikidPissah]

So...tell me your entire history in 50 minutes and leave before I have time to help you ground.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Have at it. I am picturing a lucy/peanuts type stand. The therapists are in.

lol, I love it!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by jbmomg

ya, i would love too although take anything i say with a huge "grain of salt"

Thanks! Will do

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by TheWell

Go for it we are here.

Thanks so much

[~EnlightenMe~]

lol

Well, all of my T's Pro Tem who answered, thanks so much! I am feeling compulsive in relation to feeling huge emotions and contacting my xT - who I now call xMachiavelliT, as he wanted to tell me to get the hell out straight to my face, just as he wanted his toxic mother gone, and with me his manipulative means justified the ends. I am upset with myself because I still want to contact him even though he could care less if I live or die. Why do I even care? Why can't I control this? I don't think I will ever get over what he has done? He would say, am I the one doing this to you? The answer is yes, he was. He would be invalidating my pain right now in hopes that in hurting me I would leave. I can't deal with this, I don't want to. I keep posting how I feel, and I honestly don't even know how to get through this, or if I even want to.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

lol

Well, all of my T's Pro Tem who answered, thanks so much! I am feeling compulsive in relation to feeling huge emotions and contacting my xT - who I now call xMachiavelliT, as he wanted to tell me to get the hell out straight to my face, just as he wanted his toxic mother gone, and with me his manipulative means justified the ends. I am upset with myself because I still want to contact him even though he could care less if I live or die. Why do I even care? Why can't I control this? I don't think I will ever get over what he has done? He would say, am I the one doing this to you? The answer is yes, he was. He would be invalidating my pain right now in hopes that in hurting me I would leave. I can't deal with this, I don't want to. I keep posting how I feel, and I honestly don't even know how to get through this, or if I even want to.

Your last sentence says a lot to me Anti Matter. I mean maybe this is something that you have done in the past. This is going to sound cruel but it is something that T1 addressed about my behaviour. My need to hurt myself, I didn't believe it at first but she was right, I kept texting my ex for months after the affair and saying horrible things to her only for her to attack me or just ignore me- leaving me feeling rejected and abandoned and I did this for a long time until I realised, actually I am doing this to myself because if I just didn't text her I wouldn't feel this bad. Maybe if you hadn't of contacted him you wouldn't feel rejected now?
I know its hard to hear and I am trying to help here because I care about this self destruction mode(t called it self sabotage).

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by button30

Your last sentence says a lot to me Anti Matter. I mean maybe this is something that you have done in the past. This is going to sound cruel but it is something that T1 addressed about my behaviour. My need to hurt myself, I didn't believe it at first but she was right, I kept texting my ex for months after the affair and saying horrible things to her only for her to attack me or just ignore me- leaving me feeling rejected and abandoned and I did this for a long time until I realised, actually I am doing this to myself because if I just didn't text her I wouldn't feel this bad. Maybe if you hadn't of contacted him you wouldn't feel rejected now?
I know its hard to hear and I am trying to help here because I care about this self destruction mode(t called it self sabotage).

Button,
Thanks for you post, you are dead-on. I don't remember if I posted this elsewhere, but I listen to the message he left me over and over because it makes me feel more fragmented each time I do. It is absolutely self destruction, I realize this, and I hate myself so much that I like it, or I hate it and I like to make myself hate myself more. Or something like that. take care

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Button,
Thanks for you post, you are dead-on. I don't remember if I posted this elsewhere, but I listen to the message he left me over and over because it makes me feel more fragmented each time I do. It is absolutely self destruction, I realize this, and I hate myself so much that I like it, or I hate it and I like to make myself hate myself more. Or something like that. take care

It's not that you necessarily like it, it's just safe. I'm the same way, self sabatoge .... Even though it's bad, I control it.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Even though it's bad, I control it.

Absolutely, thanks for putting it into words It's like, okay, so you took control and terminated me before I did you. Congratulations. But I can hurt myself more than you ever dream of hurting me. Isn't it sad that this is what it comes down to? Even I know that this makes no sense, but in the feeling sense it makes SO much sense, feels so logical.

I went with an opposite sex T.... Male for me this time and it's made a difference. If you have male issues maybe go for a female T this time. Again, interviewing is always important ...
I called a few said I have this this this and this to deal with, I ask a lot of questions about the process and I have abandonment issues... Can you deal , if so...when can we meet.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I went with an opposite sex T.... Male for me this time and it's made a difference. If you have male issues maybe go for a female T this time. Again, interviewing is always important ...
I called a few said I have this this this and this to deal with, I ask a lot of questions about the process and I have abandonment issues... Can you deal , if so...when can we meet.

The problem is that I am also going to have problems with females also. As far as attachment goes, if I attach to a male and get hurt, I project anger all over the place but most of the anger gets turned inward because I truly blame myself. If this happens with a female, for some reason my anger would be directed outward, I would be too defensive to own anything, and I would be in a power struggle and be unable to disengage. Again, this makes NO sense. But thinking of having a female results in me feeling very vulnerable and it isn't something I want to or can consider. You think after what just happened that I wouldn't trust a man, and truth be told I don't know if I can do that either. Yeah, I'll ask those questions, thanks for the help.

I can see it now:

Me: Hi, I'm Antimatter. I have BPD, MDD, ADHD, am dissociative, and PTSD . . .
Therapist: Click. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. . .

Originally Posted by Antimatter

The problem is that I am also going to have problems with females also. As far as attachment goes, if I attach to a male and get hurt, I project anger all over the place but most of the anger gets turned inward because I truly blame myself. If this happens with a female, for some reason my anger would be directed outward, I would be too defensive to own anything, and I would be in a power struggle and be unable to disengage. Again, this makes NO sense. But thinking of having a female results in me feeling very vulnerable and it isn't something I want to or can consider. You think after what just happened that I wouldn't trust a man, and truth be told I don't know if I can do that either. Yeah, I'll ask those questions, thanks for the help.

I can see it now:

Me: Hi, I'm Antimatter. I have BPD, MDD, ADHD, am dissociative, and PTSD . . .
Therapist: Click. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. . .

I'd one doesn't seem to work go polare opposite.