Angry at T

You detected a change in her manner and asked her about it.

She did not respond.

Did you then have the feeling that she was denying what you could plainly see?

Yes. I don't know why she wouldn't tell me. Its not like I would have been angry at her (well I might have, but anger doesn't stick very long for me). I just feel like she doesn't think I would understand or something. And that is hurtful in its own way

So even before you were on facebook you felt deceived and therefore betrayed--and especially since the week before you had really opened up to her.

And when you found out that her daughter was in town...T doesn't have to tell you that, but you are entitled to some sort of honest answer when you ask a question relevant to therapy. When she would not explain, it seemed logical that she was "protecting" you from knowing about her daughter. It felt insulting and condescending that T seemed to believe that she could not tell you about her daughter.

Exactly...

If she didn't tell you, how do you know that her change in manner was a result of her daughter being in town? It could have been one of a myriad of possible reasons.

I don't know... Its worked out now and that is what matters :/

I'm glad it worked out

I'm also glad it worked out.

Ts like to use this analogy:
You're a child banging on your parent's bedroom door.

I hated that phrase.

Good therapists are pretty stable, but life outside does make a difference. An especially sensitive patient is likely to pick up on that.

What then?

I am a really sensitive one. Like in everything. I am really intuitive to emotions and things. And I don't know what. Obviously I can't cope very well

I think that coming here and talking about it was a good decision and is a good tool for coping.

What then what?

A therapist is not obligated to reveal their personal lives. All they are obligated to do is assure the patient that they are 100% with them during session.

The patient can either choose to believe them or not. It's not the therapist's fault either way unless they are doing actual behaviors that belie their words (like falling asleep in session).

I think this is where being a concrete-thinker has its advantages. If a person says everything is cool, I'm going to believe them, absent empirical evidence that says otherwise. Perhaps this is why my therapist and I have never had an issue. I trust her enough to believe the things she tells me. I don't want anyone to second-guess me, so I don't second-guess her.

Life is easier when you are a rather insensitive blockhead, I think.

yeah which she wasn't... I wouldn't be venting if she was

You haven't explained how she wasn't "with" you. What did she do that triggered you so badly?

I don't know how it feels to be so strongly attached to anyone, therapist included. I do know how it feels to feel "robbed"--like having a therapist fall asleep while you're talking, show up late to your appointment, or spend the hour talking about her vacation while you think about suicide. Such breaches of decorum hurt, sometimes really bad. That's why I don't see the utility in looking for even more reasons to feel pain. Maybe it's not something you feel you can help?

? What do u mean?

She didn't *do* anything. It's every time before she goes on vacation or something. It's like that's what's on her brain, and she isn't truly there all the way. And she goes on vacay a lot. She wasn't going on vacation this time, but I knew something was wrong.

She didn't do anything, but you knew something was wrong?

That's what I'm not understanding. I don't understand how you can accuse a person of betrayal (which is a pretty harsh accusation), but she didn't actually do anything to you. If I were your therapist, I'd want to know what I could do to prevent you from having this reaction again.

She isn't there 100%. She looks at the clock all the time. She lets me out early. She is there but her brain isn't there. It's "off". I can't explain it better than that. But I get the sense that she has somewhere else to be, that is more important than me.

I would be upset by that.

People who are sensitive can't read minds but they know intuitively when emotions/affect. Change. It is very disconcerting and while the T doesn'T have to disclose specifics, it is very helpful when Ts acknowledge their change, if they are aware.of.it, so the patient doesn't think he/she is the cause.

well said!

I am very in tune with my T. How about flat out asking? Whenever I feel like things are off with T, or hes not with me and giving me 100% I just ask. Hey T what's up you seem off today? He always tells me what's up. Maybe his kids sick, he doesn't feel good, he hasn't slept enough, or something else. BUT something I NEVER do is play guessing games.

The OP did ask, and the T denied it, said nothing was different. I am having flashbacks to my longterm T, who never owned up to anything, but this was back in the 80's, it was before they discovered "admitting you are wrong to the client is okay." Holes. Maybe the T's daughter coming home made the T realize she was treating the OP more like a daughter than a client? Not holding boundaries as well as she would ordinarily? Meeting her own needs instead of her client's? So when Miswimmy called her out on it, she didn't have an answer. It's not you, it's her. I think you just surprised her with the question. My T usually tells me he has to think about MY questions about what is actually happening in session, when I see it differently than he does. I don't argue with him, I just put the bug in his ear, and we pick it up later. I would just raise the topic with her again. Your participation here makes you a more sophisticated user of the "product". But the main thing you're going by are your feelings that something is different, and why should she discount those?

Thanks hankser...sorry must have read to fast.

Hanskter reads every word of every post.
It's really quite disturbing how she does that.
She corrects the spelling and grammar as she goes.