i want to e-mail

after what a lot of us went thru, yeah, we are partly nuts. but we work with T's to get that nuttiness to be a smaller, separate part of who we are. hey, remember the swirl in the cheesecake example? mmm, cheesecake...

Yeah, it really stinks when a T won't collude in your self hatred. You're looking for her to give you the reaction that you want (to tell you you're horrible) and she won't do it. When I first realized my T was doing this (or, rather not doing it) I wanted to plunge something really sharp between his eyes. Luckily for him, he doesn't keep those kinds of objects in his office.

Self acceptance, granite. I believe you can leave the self hatred behind like the tired old baggage that it is and learn to see yourself as who you truly are. Drink in the way that your T and the people in your life that love you see you, notice what they see, accept their love, taste their admiration, let it warm you. Take tiny little steps in this direction. Your self acceptance is there waiting for you.

You are an adult and can do whatever you want. She may not read it, she may not want you to send her emails but that's her point of view; you can send her emails, accept whatever consequences because it is what you have chosen to do. That she wishes you did not send her an email is not a murder, it is still just an email. If she states how she feels, that she wishes you would talk to her instead of send an email, that is just how she feels, what she thinks would be good for you and your therapy, not her being "mad" at you.

You are angry at her, that does not mean she is angry at you (for sending an email or anything else).

The one thing my T stresses to me is that by trying to work through this on my own, I am not allowing the perspective of others in...which is necessary because otherwise we are only seeing the situation through our lens only, which may be distorted.

I do not believe the therapist will be disappointed in you. The earlier reason for not having email, letters, etc was because you were using them in place of talking to her (if I have this wrong - sorry then I am totally off base here)- this email was not as a substitute for talking. As long as you are willing to go in and talk to her I doubt it will be a problem.
Tell her you don't think you can handle her caring and trusting her - she is not going to punish you or hate your or be disappointed. Clients do not move forward linearly.

Yes. I know chickie...it sux. I can sit here and tell you that your T isn't angry/doesn't hate you, but I can't tell myself that ex t isn't telling my "story" at parties. It's a misfire, that's for sure. I will be cheerleading you all week though.

i will not call, i will not call, and cancel my apt.

no no no...don't call. You can do this Granite...we are here for you. It's just a few more days and it will be over.

ok game plan for today watch good movie and maybe retail therapy then hubby will be home watch movie tonight.
it can only make things worse if i call and cancel because i don't think i really want to do it.i will feel worse after doing it i think.only the scared part of me wants to do this.if i do i cant talke it back i have already screwed things up by e-mailing .

Granite.... you can do this. Your half way through the "situation", your vested..... don't you wanna see how this will turn out? Tell the fear part to take a hike or a pill or fly a kite or beat it. Dance it off ... We are here for you.

Your plan for the day sounds great. Lots of distraction and taking care of you.
I agree with everyone that you can do this and it will be okay. Your T so obviously cares for you and wants to help you. So just remember to breathe (not sure if you need this reminder but I always forget to breathe when I am distressed) and keep yourself busy.

Very insightful granite. Good Work. You can do it! It won't be easy but you can push yourself to work through this. It is the mountain that needs to be crossed so that you can get to the other side. Everything will eventually get easier if you keep working.

again today i will not call and cancel. what is the worst that can happen if i go? i don't think i want to think of that but i will not cancel she will maybe be disappointed but i will not kill me. she will not call me names she will not be mean. i will survive through this

I understand this. Take a deep breath, I know the fear and worry, but I am positive it won't be as bad as you imagine.

It is so hard to have all these painful feelings inside and not be able to email. I'm not surprised you wrote one. My T does allow emails but doesn't encourage them particularly emotional ones. I snapped the other week and sent an angry one pushing her away. I did this because I knew I couldn't bring a letter to the session. It wasn't easy but it was okay. She wasn't angry.

I hope you can talk to T about why you sent the email and what you need from her. Maybe together you can work something out so you feel more supported and gain reassurance you won't push her away.

The therapist will not call you names or be punishing. I don't even think she will be disappointed. It might help if you could tell her about these thoughts around it though.

you is kind, you is smart, you is important

Granite, she wont be even remotely close to how hard you are being on yourself... Stop beating yourself up...be nice to you