[KazzaX]

I have a question for all you people who cry in front of your T's and whatnot. I think the right word there is "vulnerable". What do you hope your therapist will do while you're sitting there bawling your eyes out? What is the healing bit there? Is it all the pat-on-the-back, mother reaction of "itll be OK" and mother soothing type stuff? Is it that you want your T to feel the same pain as you? Is it empathy? What is it that you are after when you cry in front of the T?

I am supposed to be learning how to do this but I am not interested in any empathy, sympathy, mother-ish reactions, or patting on the back (and certainly not any "its going to be ok" type BS). None of that works for me and I find it very annoying. My T is wondering what she should do while im sitting there crying. My preference is just sit there quietly, away from me, until I get rid of the crying and back to normality. In the real world, I do not cry in front of people because what I am feeling is none of their business. But in T is IS her business, literally and figuratively, lol. So I am wondering how we are going to pull this one off.

Is there anything any of you guys want during crying episodes that is not your typical, run of the mill, textbook sympathy stuff? What is it? I need to find something because she can't just sit there and do nothing.... the crying in front of her is supposed to be therepeutic but it only is if she does the right reaction. There is no reaction that I personally would like ( iwould rather not cry in front of her at all to be honest, haha), so maybe if one of you has an out of the box suggestion, it could be used as a stand in. Something like that.

[BlessedRhiannon]

When I cry in session, my T has always just quietly sat there and let me experience my emotions. That is actually exactly the response I want. I don't want comforting or someone telling me 'it'll be okay" or someone trying to make me feel better. If someone is trying to make me feel better, then I feel like I should stop crying and put on a happy face and that invalidates my feelings.

For me - my T's reaction is spot on. I want to be able to be vulnerable in front of someone else and feel like it's okay. I want someone else to witness and share in my emotions, without feeling like I have to hide what I'm really feeling. I need the space and support to just be allowed to feel whatever it is I'm feeling for as long as I need to. T sitting quietly and just waiting and offering her support is all I want or need.

If T did touch me or offer "comforting words" or something, I'd probably shut down right away.

It may sound weird that she just sits there and watches me, but I actually find it helpful.

[KazzaX]

So its ok if they just sit there and do nothing? I would prefer that. I wouldn't want to hear her voice at all. That would spoil it.

Maybe I could ask her to go stand next to the door and we could pretend she isn't in the room. Or is that pushing it a bit? I did consider asking her to leave the room but then therapy can't really happen when the therapist is out, haha, damn.

[nicoleb2]

My t just sits there and lets me experience my emotions too. If she can see that I am trying to push it away, she will ask me to try not to, but otherwise she sits there until i am done.

[KazzaX]

Can the healing happen if she doesnt talk though? That's what I want. I want to pretend she isn't in the room and she isn't allowed to talk or even acknowledge that she is there. Only thing is, she is supposed to talk to me when im in snivelling mode because its schema therapy. Bleh.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

My t just sits there and lets me experience my emotions too. If she can see that I am trying to push it away, she will ask me to try not to, but otherwise she sits there until i am done.

Yeah, my T asks me not to push it away as well.

Originally Posted by KazzaX

So its ok if they just sit there and do nothing? I would prefer that. I wouldn't want to hear her voice at all. That would spoil it.

Sure. If that's what you need, then that's what you need. I do think asking her to leave the room would be pushing it, though.

Originally Posted by KazzaX

Can the healing happen if she doesnt talk though? That's what I want. I want to pretend she isn't in the room and she isn't allowed to talk or even acknowledge that she is there. Only thing is, she is supposed to talk to me when im in snivelling mode because its schema therapy.

I don't know about schema therapy, but for myself...yes, healing happens even when T doesn't talk. I get to experience my emotions and I have someone to witness them, and I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable.

[KazzaX]

That is the problem.. I don't want anyone to witness it. I can do the being vulnerable thing at home by myself, its easy. I am just curious though.. why does it matter if anyone sees you or not? Does it make any difference? I mean you could be upset at the library and your librarian would see it, you'd be being vulnerable and have a witness. Is it the same?

[Miswimmy1]

When I have cried in session, my t nudges the Kleenex box to me, let's me cry, and then asks me what evoked those emotions. She doesn't pity me, which I love, and she doesn't tell me that it will be ok. She lets me be, letting her know she cares by the way she looks at me, but let's me be. She lets me know how grateful she is that I let the emotions show, so she can assist me in dealing in a healthy way. Then she will hug me on my way out...

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

That is the problem.. I don't want anyone to witness it. I can do the being vulnerable thing at home by myself, its easy. I am just curious though.. why does it matter if anyone sees you or not? Does it make any difference? I mean you could be upset at the library and your librarian would see it, you'd be being vulnerable and have a witness. Is it the same?

I think it has to do with the therapy relationship. You worry about what your t will think. Sure you can let yor emotions out on your own, or in front of a stranger. But it's not the same. It also may be because your t will do something with those emotions: usually something that u don't wanna do. Where as a stranger would just look at not know anything about you...

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

That is the problem.. I don't want anyone to witness it. I can do the being vulnerable thing at home by myself, its easy. I am just curious though.. why does it matter if anyone sees you or not? Does it make any difference? I mean you could be upset at the library and your librarian would see it, you'd be being vulnerable and have a witness. Is it the same?

Ah, but if you're crying at home, by yourself, you're not really being vulnerable...it's controlled, alone, safe.

For me - having a witness matters because I was always taught that I shouldn't let anyone see me cry. That it was shameful to cry in front of others. Having a witness is helping me to learn that it's okay to let others see my emotions, and that it's okay to let myself experience my emotions. It makes a difference who it is...for starters, I wouldn't cry in front of a complete stranger. Also, I need to know that someone that knows me and cares about me is okay with me crying and letting myself show emotions other than "happy and pleasant." Not sure if that makes any sense or not. I just know that for me, it is important to have a witness to my emotions, and that it's important for it to be someone that knows me well and seems to care about me.

[sunrise]

My T sits with me when I cry and just lets me do it. He doesn't offer sympathy or talk much. He may encourage me to let go and cry if he sees me struggling to hold it in. So his presence is important in that his encouragement helps me not try to stuff my feelings away. Also, I am a very private person and don't like people to see me cry. It is mortifying for me. I think people will think I am stupid or will make fun of me for crying. Memories of childhood--people pointing at me, laughing, etc. And being punished in my family for showing emotions or being made fun of. So the experience of crying in T's presence is very healing because I see that it isn't so bad, that someone can experience me crying and not laugh at me, make fun of me, think less of me for it. I can cry in front of a person and survive it! Also, I used to spend a lot of energy keeping emotions inside. Therapy has helped me let things loose. It has been wonderful to do that and now have all that energy at my disposal to put to other uses instead of keeping myself so tightly under wraps. All that freed up energy can now be put to positive uses.

I've never cried in front of T. Don't want to. If I ever do, I hope he just ignores it. I'm only doing it because I can't hold back the tears. I don't want anything from him at all, I'm just overcome with emotion. I hope he works on his grocery list or something while I'm doing it. It has nothing to do with him. It's simply a lack of self control on my part.

[KazzaX]

THanks guys, all your replies were very descriptive and I learnt a lot from reading that! Now I understand why it makes a difference as to who sees you cry.

Well I had an idea. Maybe at the start I could turn my back to from her. Like sit in the corner and face the wall and do it. She could be there behind me in the room somewhere. Maybe it would be doable if I could not see her in my field of view (even tho I know she is there). I hate attention being on me. So if she's not there looking at me or talking to me, maybe I could pull it off. Then later if I become healthier, then I could turn around and face her or something, if necessary. Or I could allow her to talk, whichever one is most productive in therapy.

[KazzaX]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

I've never cried in front of T. Don't want to. If I ever do, I hope he just ignores it. I'm only doing it because I can't hold back the tears. I don't want anything from him at all, I'm just overcome with emotion. I hope he works on his grocery list or something while I'm doing it. It has nothing to do with him. It's simply a lack of self control on my part.

Yeah this is my opinion on losing it in therapy too. i guess losing control of your emotions. I am very good at not losing control, but that is the exact issue, haha. She wants me to do less control, more letting it out? something like that. I dont really comprehend it because I have always fully had myself under control (until i started going to therapy!!) and never done anything else.

[Victoria'smom]

I was very teary last session and I don't think I had enough make up on for T not to notice. T didn't say anything. ****, T waits in silents when I give one word answers probably because T relies I hate silents.

[KazzaX]

I hate silence too.. its excrutiating! (hope i spelt that right). But then again if I was crying at the time I would prefer that to someone talking to me hehe But in other situations ew.

[elliemay]

I guess the healing part for me was just being allowed to cry without the standard "stop crying, it'll be okay" or "Stop or I'll give you a reason to cry" or "Oh, don't cry it's not that bad".

the way i felt just simply got to exist. If I was upset and cried, then I cried. No one got all freaked out about it.

For me, it had very little to do with vulnerability, the words and feelings were much more of a big deal than the water running down my face.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

I have a question for all you people who cry in front of your T's and whatnot. I think the right word there is "vulnerable". What do you hope your therapist will do while you're sitting there bawling your eyes out? What is the healing bit there? Is it all the pat-on-the-back, mother reaction of "itll be OK" and mother soothing type stuff? Is it that you want your T to feel the same pain as you? Is it empathy? What is it that you are after when you cry in front of the T?

I am supposed to be learning how to do this but I am not interested in any empathy, sympathy, mother-ish reactions, or patting on the back (and certainly not any "its going to be ok" type BS). None of that works for me and I find it very annoying. My T is wondering what she should do while im sitting there crying. My preference is just sit there quietly, away from me, until I get rid of the crying and back to normality. In the real world, I do not cry in front of people because what I am feeling is none of their business. But in T is IS her business, literally and figuratively, lol. So I am wondering how we are going to pull this one off.

Is there anything any of you guys want during crying episodes that is not your typical, run of the mill, textbook sympathy stuff? What is it? I need to find something because she can't just sit there and do nothing.... the crying in front of her is supposed to be therepeutic but it only is if she does the right reaction. There is no reaction that I personally would like ( iwould rather not cry in front of her at all to be honest, haha), so maybe if one of you has an out of the box suggestion, it could be used as a stand in. Something like that.

I don't know if this is helpful but I was never able to cry in front of T until I was able to stop thinking about where I was, in front of someone that is, and focus internally, on what it was that I found painful / upsetting.

You say you don't cry in front of others. But say you had a very close friend, and you were telling them something that was a heavy sad burden for you, and tears came. How would you want that person to react? Silence wouldn't be the best reaction for me. I might need a touch on the shoulder or hand, or the person saying my name and in the voice i could hear that they were sharing that pain with me. I don't know if this makes sense. but it's different for everyone, I think, as to what is the 'right' response.

[autotelica]

I cry when I can't find words...or when there are too many words.

It's not something I want to do or that I feel I can control. It's just something that happens while I start talking.

If my therapist knows why I'm crying, she'll express sympathy and assurances that it's okay to let it out. If she doesn't know why, she'll ask me to explain the tears (which sometimes makes me feel defensive). A few times she has done the "there, there" thing and dabbed at my cheeks.

I've never had a block against crying. I seem to have somewhat of an opposite problem that a lot of posters have. I never cry or express emotions outside of the therapist's office. It's only when I'm in the presence of my therapist when I can "feel".

Early on in my sessions, I felt like if I didn't cry I was wasting money.

[peaches100]

I feel like I need both: (1) the gentle accepting presence of my therapist that lets me know it's OK to feel my emotions and not be embarrassed . . .but also (2) soothing words and, occasionally, sitting next to me or holding my hand if the pain is particularly strong.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

I What is it that you are after when you cry in front of the T?

I'm not "after" anything. On those occasions when I cry, it's because I can't help crying. My T rarely even acknowledges the tears and never comforts me, beyond the comfort I get from him in general. He sits patiently and silently until I can speak again.

If someone offers sympathy, a touch, or some other kind of comfort, it can stop you from feeling the emotion. If your goal is to feel your emotions (whether you really want to or not), then comfort can be counterproductive.

On the other hand, I can almost always hold it together unless someone expresses sympathy. That's when I lose it.

[stopdog]

I don't know. I have never cried around any therapist and I rarely cry in general. The last time I remember crying is over three years ago (dead pet). And then I can remember the three times before that. I don't know if it is unusual to remember the number of times one has cried in the past 15 years or so or not. I can't imagine there being anything the therapist could do that would make the situation less awful for me should I ever be moved to cry in front of her. She has talked about it a few times, but just hearing her say it sends me into a panic/anxiety attack where I start shaking.

i have only cried one time in t, and he just sat there. it was nice. got myself under control, then he triggered me again. then i cried again, and he just sat there.

the only thing because i took so long to finally cry in session, i really thought he would have called to see how i was doing. he didn't and that was a real disappointment. i got over it. but it still hurt.

[velcro003]

i don't know as i've never cried. i can't imagine EVER crying in therapy. I've been in for 4.5 years, too sooo...who knows, because i highly doubt it will ever happen.

[Towanda]

I envy all of you who have been able to find the healing release of tears shared with your T. I have not, in almost seven years, been able to reach this point, even though I trust my T with every aspect of my life. This grief is stuck in my heart, and like a lump in my throat and I am unable to express it. I am vulnerable with him in every other way except this. If anyone has any suggestions, I would sincerely welcome the input - thanks!