[lostmyway21]

forget it

[unaluna]

just tell him. maybe - no, no maybe about it, I DO have a weirdo T, that's why we get along so well - but I know I can't creep him out. More like, the creepier, the better. There is nothing i can do or say. Maybe someday he'll realize it goes both ways

[lostmyway21]

I can't even manage share it here without feeling like people will think differently of me. I guess that's my answer.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Talk about it some more. Definitely tell him about it. Sounds like obsessive thoughts, and there are ways to work through that.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I can't even manage share it here without feeling like people will think differently of me. I guess that's my answer.

I'm so sorry you feel that way. I don't think any differently (or less) of you.

[lostmyway21]

Here I'll repost the original post. I hope you guys don't think too differently of me after though. BR's and hanksters post were helpful so I think I should leave it up for others. Even though I'm scared too.

"Okay I've been doing something for a long time. Well for almost two years since my PTSD stuff all came up. I have a tendency to run through scenarios in my head. I know everyone does that... but there more like worst case scenario bad things happening ones. I do it whenever I have to much time, mostly on bus/train rides or on walks. I tried to tell T on Monday but he thought I meant like normal ones. Then I emailed him today and told him he didnt get it. I elaborated a little more by saying they were one worst case scenario bad ones were I'm always trying to figure out how I need to react. He told me he gets it.

I don't know if I should leave it at that or actually tell him what kind of scenarios I'm thinking? I highly doubt he's going to ask. I feel really awkward bringing it up. I feel like there's something really wrong with me for doing this. I worry by telling him I'll just make it even more uncomfortable.

I have a session in the morning. I don't know what to do. I've kept this from him for a long time."

[unaluna]

see, I couldn't figure out what you were actually talking about. maybe t did, I can be dense sometimes if people don't spell stuff out. still, guys get into MUCH yuckier stuff than women even imagine, so i'd still say go for it.

[Focus62]

I think I do exactly what you're describing. It's like if we knew how we'd respond to the worst possible scenario, then it wouldn't be so bad if it really did it happen. We would be prepared, and that gives me comfort. But sometimes I just can't figure it out, and I have to find a way to put it out of mind or distract myself from those thoughts because otherwise I stress myself out for no reason! I have not talked to my T about this, because it doesn't really interfere with my life so much as other things, but if you feel you need to explain yourself, go for it. I think it would help .

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by Focus62

I think I do exactly what you're describing. It's like if we knew how we'd respond to the worst possible scenario, then it wouldn't be so bad if it really did it happen. We would be prepared, and that gives me comfort. But sometimes I just can't figure it out, and I have to find a way to put it out of mind or distract myself from those thoughts because otherwise I stress myself out for no reason! I have not talked to my T about this, because it doesn't really interfere with my life so much as other things, but if you feel you need to explain yourself, go for it. I think it would help .

Yes this is what I do. Sometimes the scenarios are more in relation to my PTSD stuff. Most the time not. It's interfering with my ability to focus lately.

[Focus62]

If it's interfering with your ability to focus, then I think you should probably talk about it. If it impedes upon your daily functioning, he will probably be able to help you talk through it or change your behaviors.

[lostmyway21]

I'm only scared because the scenarios are REALLY worst case. I'm worried what he will think. I swear I've thought of everything. I'm guessing it's a mix of my Military/Police/EMT training and all my past PTSD stuff (and wanting to be able to react). I can't stop it though.

[rainbow8]

I don't think any differently about you. In fact, I feel closer to you because I do that "worst case scenario" thing too. I've told my T but I always feel embarrassed. I try to pass over it quickly when I have those thoughts. Like a phone call is going to be about a tragedy. I can't cope with thinking it about my family so I imagine what ifs about my T. I'd be devastated, so how could I cope if it were my family? I'm not sure if that's what you're talking about, but I don't know what else is "worst case" scenario. I'm sure your T has heard this before. They've heard everything!

I thought of worse case scenarios all the time. My brain automatically defaulted to that. One night driving home, after a really stressful day at work where I actually feared for my life, i pulled over on the side of the road and called my T. She was in a hurry and I was dancing around the matter (what I really thought)...finally, I just blurted it out (worst case scenario, deep seeded fear, negative scary thinking). I immediately felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I finally SAID it, outloud, to someone that was listening and who cared. And who understood.

I was embarassed to tell her but I had to....i couldnt hold it in. After that, I never went to that "place" again. My mind doesnt take that path anymore.

I hope you will share with your T.

[lostmyway21]

So I talked to T about this today and it was interesting. He said it was totally normal, especially for me. He said since my brain defaults to negative thoughts...for two reasons (chemical imbalance-bipolar, and past events) and I have severe anxiety from being off anxiety meds that this would happen. He said normal people do this all the time. He said he does it all the time, but I am going to be more prone to the negative bad worst case stuff. He said people think about stuff like driving off the side off the road and what would happen all the time. That actually wasn't exactly where I was going, but I have done that. Mine was more like having bad things happen. He said it would make sense that my brain doesn't shut off, but when I find my self doing it I should try and refocus on things like my goals and day to day stuff that I need to do. I guess it was just comforting that he was not phased at all by it an insisted whatever scenarios I was running it was going to be perfectly normal considering my past.

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

So I talked to T about this today and it was interesting. He said it was totally normal, especially for me. He said since my brain defaults to negative thoughts...for two reasons (chemical imbalance-bipolar, and past events) and I have severe anxiety from being off anxiety meds that this would happen. He said normal people do this all the time. He said he does it all the time, but I am going to be more prone to the negative bad worst case stuff. He said people think about stuff like driving off the side off the road and what would happen all the time. That actually wasn't exactly where I was going, but I have done that. Mine was more like having bad things happen. He said it would make sense that my brain doesn't shut off, but when I find my self doing it I should try and refocus on things like my goals and day to day stuff that I need to do. I guess it was just comforting that he was not phased at all by it an insisted whatever scenarios I was running it was going to be perfectly normal considering my past.

That is great news! I am so glad you shared and you found comfort and a safe environment!

[lostmyway21]

I went to pdoc today and I had to tell him about this issue. It went so badly.

I had to see if it was my meds making it worse or if we could correct it with meds. So he asked me why I have a problem focusing and I told him that I run a lot of scenarios. Then he asked what kind, and I said bad ones but I didn't elaborate because it really didn't matter if he knew. He stopped everything he was doing, and looked up at me like I grew three heads. Then he basically told me that it WAS weird and that normal people DON'T do that. But we ran out of time right at that moment and he said we would discuss adjusting stuff next week when I see him again. Now I feel like I'm totally weird and wrong for doing it again.

I feel like he totally undid everything T did. I don't know if I believe T or if he was just trying to make me feel better about it? Pdoc is always straight forward about things. Now I'm unsure who is right about this issue. Why do they see this oppositely? Pdoc put enough doubt in my head to believe I'm all screwed up for doing this now.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I went to pdoc today and I had to tell him about this issue. It went so badly.

I had to see if it was my meds making it worse or if we could correct it with meds. So he asked me why I have a problem focusing and I told him that I run a lot of scenarios. Then he asked what kind, and I said bad ones but I didn't elaborate because it really didn't matter if he knew. He stopped everything he was doing, and looked up at me like I grew three heads. Then he basically told me that it WAS weird and that normal people DON'T do that. But we ran out of time right at that moment and he said we would discuss adjusting stuff next week when I see him again. Now I feel like I'm totally weird and wrong for doing it again.

I feel like he totally undid everything T did. I don't know if I believe T or if he was just trying to make me feel better about it? Pdoc is always straight forward about things. Now I'm unsure who is right about this issue. Why do they see this oppositely? Pdoc put enough doubt in my head to believe I'm all screwed up for doing this now.

You have the power to decide whether you are going to go down that path again...and I hope you choose not to.

I have many of those types of thoughts...and I too have been told they are quite common for even the "normal" folks. With my limited experience with pdocs, I'm not surprised that your pdoc said something like that. That's why I have greater faith in my T who is more invested in this type of stuff - rather than a pdoc that focuses on meds to take care of "symptoms". But that's just me.

Well first, what is "normal" anyway? I agree with what your therapist said, like mixedup emotions I've also been told that thinking of bad scenarios is pretty common.

How well does your pdoc know you, compared to your t? I just wonder if your t has a better understanding of your history and behavior and thoughts and is able to see the big picture better. Labels like weird, normal, don't help. You are you, you are talking about this with T and that is what matters. I also hope you choose not to get so hard on yourself about it.

[TheWell]

I do it whenever I'm in a crowd. I start to feel panic until I find my escape routes. I think about what I will do if someone starts shooting. I push myself to stay at crowded events even though I want to leave. Thank you 9-11 for my current anxieties.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by TheWell

I do it whenever I'm in a crowd. I start to feel panic until I find my escape routes. I think about what I will do if someone starts shooting. I push myself to stay at crowded events even though I want to leave. Thank you 9-11 for my current anxieties.

I never get anxious. One of my worst case scenarios is active shooter scenarios. What would I do if someone did that park, subway ect, how should I react? Do I react to the shooter or treat a victim as an EMT first? Blah blah blah...The scenario unfolds in detail my head. I often wonder if that was from my military police or EMT training, but I'm kind of relieved that I'm not the only one.

[pbutton]

Oooh. I just remembered that one time T1 told me that every night when he comes home from work, the neighborhood boys are playing football in his yard. He said EVERY night he worries that one of the boys will hurt himself on the landscaping in the yard. Every time he has to talk himself into deciding that everything is ok and the yard is safe enough.

Probably not the worst of all worst case scenarios, but this is someone who is very healthy and doesn't have any anxiety problems. (In fact that was his point when he was sharing this story with me.)

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Oooh. I just remembered that one time T1 told me that every night when he comes home from work, the neighborhood boys are playing football in his yard. He said EVERY night he worries that one of the boys will hurt himself on the landscaping in the yard. Every time he has to talk himself into deciding that everything is ok and the yard is safe enough.

Probably not the worst of all worst case scenarios, but this is someone who is very healthy and doesn't have any anxiety problems. (In fact that was his point when he was sharing this story with me.)

So if your T did that every night..was my T was right after all?

My severe anxiety/negative thoughts/past history does make the worst case scenarios normal for ME..?

[TheWell]

Lost, I would say it sounds very normal. I think your pdoc needs meds

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

So if your T did that every night..was my T was right after all?

My severe anxiety/negative thoughts/past history does make the worst case scenarios normal for ME..?

I would say so. My worst case scenarios are more like yours. I can't imagine that it is too uncommon. I think your T is right.

((((Lost)))) Do you see your Pdoc for full 50-minute sessions or the fairly typical drive-through session?

My Pdoc has done that to me. I learned that is when I have to communicate that he is off base (he doesn't see the whole picture). He hardly knows what is going on with me - other than my physical, emotional symptoms and bits and pieces of what we can smoosh into a 10 minute (or-less) session. He is super smart, a great MD, but he isn't Kreskin.

I've been seeing the guy for 8 years, and I adore him but he has thoroughly p***** me off once of twice. Seriously. Sometimes he just does not get it, and it's because he truly does not KNOW what is going on or how I got there (he doesn't know the whole story. He just hears a symptom).

(And how could he? I see him for 10 minutes every 3 months and he has never read my T file...he has full access, of course).

The first time he made an off-handed remark, I was so angry after I left, I had to pull off in a parking lot and call him at the office to TELL him that I was angry, and why.

When I explained the whole situation (he actually opened his schedule a bit more for me to talk to him without rushing), and then he was like, "ohhhhhhhhh. I didn't know that. no wonder."

Really.

R