I thought it would never end. The crazy T love. It consumed me and set me on fire and made me feel as if I would cease to exist if I didn't find a way to get closer to it. I couldn't get enough of it and I could not bear to be away from it. I needed it like nothing I have ever known. The intensity of it was like nothing I have ever experienced. It was a drug. I got my fix every week looking into his eyes and basking in his unconditional acceptance. It wasn't enough so I started getting my fix with emails and waiting for his response. Then that wasn't enough and I needed to hear his voice. I began calling him sometimes three times a week between sessions and emails. Then text messages. Then I had a recording of his voice to soothe me when I wasn't calling, being therapatized, emailing, or texting him. For the first time in my life I felt loved. I felt accepted. I felt, I KNEW, that this must surely end with the realization of all of my romantic fantasies. I had found my soulmate in my T.

It didn't end that way though. While I was losing myself in this fantasy relationship with T, something else was happening. It wasn't all sunshine and roses. The pain of being away from him was as intense as the joy of being with him, in his presence. The pain of knowing at some unconscious level, that I rarely wanted to acknowledge, that it would never happen, that I would never be with him the way I wanted to, made me feel like I wanted to die rather than be without it. The thought of losing him terrified me. The closer we became the more fearful I was. The more I understood that he did in fact really and truly love me, the more distrustful of him I became. I questioned him and his methods. He contained it. I tested him and pushed him and he contained me. I stood on the edge of reason daring to go over and he pulled me back in. He kept me emotionally held through it all and waited.

He did his job so well and loved me. Yet all the while he was waiting for his opportunity. I gave it to him in the form of a gift. It was a gift that came from my heart, and my artist, and expressed how much I love him. I was so anxious to give it to him, that I dropped it off at his office the day before our session. I arrived at my session and did something peculiar and out of character, that I had never done before. I gave him the check before we started. (deep down I knew what was coming) He asked me what I wanted to discuss and I told him and he said ok, but I need to address the gift. He said he couldn't accept it.

I was stunned, gut punched, and literally bowled over. I did it. Finally, after all this time I bumped into a boundary. It was more like I ran headlong into it after a year long sprint. The pain was indescribable. I couldn't speak. I wept, doubled over, and told him I would never take it back. He kept asking me to look at him and I couldn't. I was devastated. I got up and excused myself to the washroom and left. We had barely started the session and I didn't go back. I drove to a parking lot and sobbed in my car for over an hour before driving home not knowing if I could survive the night. He texted me that I could go back that he was still there and I said no. I lashed out instead and told him he was just afraid and myriad other projections. I told him via text that I was NEVER going back.
And I meant it.

I made it about twenty-four hours before I called him and told him we needed to talk. I sobbed and he listened and we scheduled a session. I went in and it was good. I went in again and it was better. And after this last one I have new eyes to look upon my life with. All it took was that one devastating blow to completely shatter the illusion and I am grateful.

I experienced my T relationship as I have experienced my other important relationship. I have never experienced love and acceptance so when it was happening I didn't really believe it. I couldn't see it. If I thought I saw it, I had to test it to make sure it was really there. I had to make sure I earned it by being a good patient. I had to ask for constant reassurance that he wasn't going to terminate me. I needed to be consumed with him so I could understand him and make him happy so he wouldn't leave me. The more he gave me the less I trusted him. In the end when I realized he wasn't going anywhere, I had to leave to quell the pain. I made my own exit his fault. I succumbed to my own fears, made them manifest, and blamed him. All of this has played put in my real life. All of this time he has been telling me that I am loved by the person I have so furiously tried to push away. It may be too late for that relationship but I see it. It's staggering to see and accept these things, but I am.

I know this is long but I really needed to get it out. I still love T but it is deeper and different and a little closer to what true love should be. I know my T loves me and it's so much better than the love I thought I wanted from him. I don't know. This **** is so damn difficult but it is worth it. Thanks all.

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

I thought it would never end. The crazy T love. It consumed me and set me on fire and made me feel as if I would cease to exist if I didn't find a way to get closer to it. I couldn't get enough of it and I could not bear to be away from it. I needed it like nothing I have ever known. The intensity of it was like nothing I have ever experienced. It was a drug. I got my fix every week looking into his eyes and basking in his unconditional acceptance. It wasn't enough so I started getting my fix with emails and waiting for his response. Then that wasn't enough and I needed to hear his voice. I began calling him sometimes three times a week between sessions and emails. Then text messages. Then I had a recording of his voice to soothe me when I wasn't calling, being therapatized, emailing, or texting him. For the first time in my life I felt loved. I felt accepted. I felt, I KNEW, that this must surely end with the realization of all of my romantic fantasies. I had found my soulmate in my T.

It didn't end that way though. While I was losing myself in this fantasy relationship with T, something else was happening. It wasn't all sunshine and roses. The pain of being away from him was as intense as the joy of being with him, in his presence. The pain of knowing at some unconscious level, that I rarely wanted to acknowledge, that it would never happen, that I would never be with him the way I wanted to, made me feel like I wanted to die rather than be without it. The thought of losing him terrified me. The closer we became the more fearful I was. The more I understood that he did in fact really and truly love me, the more distrustful of him I became. I questioned him and his methods. He contained it. I tested him and pushed him and he contained me. I stood on the edge of reason daring to go over and he pulled me back in. He kept me emotionally held through it all and waited.

He did his job so well and loved me. Yet all the while he was waiting for his opportunity. I gave it to him in the form of a gift. It was a gift that came from my heart, and my artist, and expressed how much I love him. I was so anxious to give it to him, that I dropped it off at his office the day before our session. I arrived at my session and did something peculiar and out of character, that I had never done before. I gave him the check before we started. (deep down I knew what was coming) He asked me what I wanted to discuss and I told him and he said ok, but I need to address the gift. He said he couldn't accept it.

I was stunned, gut punched, and literally bowled over. I did it. Finally, after all this time I bumped into a boundary. It was more like I ran headlong into it after a year long sprint. The pain was indescribable. I couldn't speak. I wept, doubled over, and told him I would never take it back. He kept asking me to look at him and I couldn't. I was devastated. I got up and excused myself to the washroom and left. We had barely started the session and I didn't go back. I drove to a parking lot and sobbed in my car for over an hour before driving home not knowing if I could survive the night. He texted me that I could go back that he was still there and I said no. I lashed out instead and told him he was just afraid and myriad other projections. I told him via text that I was NEVER going back.
And I meant it.

I made it about twenty-four hours before I called him and told him we needed to talk. I sobbed and he listened and we scheduled a session. I went in and it was good. I went in again and it was better. And after this last one I have new eyes to look upon my life with. All it took was that one devastating blow to completely shatter the illusion and I am grateful.

I experienced my T relationship as I have experienced my other important relationship. I have never experienced love and acceptance so when it was happening I didn't really believe it. I couldn't see it. If I thought I saw it, I had to test it to make sure it was really there. I had to make sure I earned it by being a good patient. I had to ask for constant reassurance that he wasn't going to terminate me. I needed to be consumed with him so I could understand him and make him happy so he wouldn't leave me. The more he gave me the less I trusted him. In the end when I realized he wasn't going anywhere, I had to leave to quell the pain. I made my own exit his fault. I succumbed to my own fears, made them manifest, and blamed him. All of this has played put in my real life. All of this time he has been telling me that I am loved by the person I have so furiously tried to push away. It may be too late for that relationship but I see it. It's staggering to see and accept these things, but I am.

I know this is long but I really needed to get it out. I still love T but it is deeper and different and a little closer to what true love should be. I know my T loves me and it's so much better than the love I thought I wanted from him. I don't know. This **** is so damn difficult but it is worth it. Thanks all.

I thought this was beautifully written, and I am glad you were able to recognize the breakthrough when it came, and make something good out of it. Something great. ::huggs:: I am so proud of you!

Thanks TC...

[lostmyway21]

I also think this is wonderfully written. Very insightful. It made me think a lot about my relationship with my T. Thanks for this.

[Miswimmy1]

Wow! Amazingly said you were so brave to do that and I'm so happy for you that your t reacted the way he did. I know some might not have. I'm so glad that your relationship with your t has only gotten better, u learned from it, and you both are continuing to grow and learn and change for the better

I just want to say that I'm so moved by your post. Seriously, I'm just blown away - I have no words. What a tremendously painful experience this must have been, but it sounds like you grew from it. I can only say thanks for sharing. You've given me so much to think about, and I'm glad that you seem to be handling this. Hugs.

[lotsofq]

That was incredible, thank you so much for sharing!

[CantExplain]

You are very brave and resilient. It would have taken me at least a fortnight to recover from that. One of the my ruptures was a couple of months.

[Lauru]

My xT did not love me at all, she didn't even have unconditional regard for me. I failed by getting sick, and she dumped me. The night I OD'ed and was suicidal I called her. She told me not to call her and hung up. I hate her. She hates me. I guess we're even. She has hurt me down to my core. I will never see her again, and she is relieved. I always knew that if people saw the real me, they would hate me and leave. And I was right.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Lauru

My xT did not love me at all, she didn't even have unconditional regard for me. I failed by getting sick, and she dumped me. The night I OD'ed and was suicidal I called her. She told me not to call her and hung up. I hate her. She hates me. I guess we're even. She has hurt me down to my core. I will never see her again, and she is relieved. I always knew that if people saw the real me, they would hate me and leave. And I was right.

((Lauru))

That was so beautifully written and composed! I can feel your pain seeping through, it must have been unbearable! Did your t accept your gift after? This was like an excellent novel I couldn't put down, thank you for being so honest!
I always feel tricked by therapy, our t makes us fall deeply in love and trust them, then they dump us and break our hearts I sometimes think it does more damage!

[Dreamy01]

Oh gosh, this really resonates with me. Thanks for sharing. It is so hard to come up against a boundary and then face the reality of the relationship. It's so very painful. But I'm glad it has helped you see that T does care for you even if not in the way you want. That is a hard realisation but I think ultimately a very healing one.

[SoupDragon]

"Wow" was also the first word that sprang into my head and I also respect your absolute bravery. Well done and thank-you for sharing what sounds like an amazing experience.

Originally Posted by Lauru

My xT did not love me at all, she didn't even have unconditional regard for me. I failed by getting sick, and she dumped me. The night I OD'ed and was suicidal I called her. She told me not to call her and hung up. I hate her. She hates me. I guess we're even. She has hurt me down to my core. I will never see her again, and she is relieved. I always knew that if people saw the real me, they would hate me and leave. And I was right.

((((Lauru)))).... I am so sorry you had this experience. Your T really failed you. I can't comprehend why she would have treated you that way. At the very least she could have been compassionate and directed you toward crisis intervention. I hope you are in a better place now.

Originally Posted by button30

That was so beautifully written and composed! I can feel your pain seeping through, it must have been unbearable! Did your t accept your gift after? This was like an excellent novel I couldn't put down, thank you for being so honest!
I always feel tricked by therapy, our t makes us fall deeply in love and trust them, then they dump us and break our hearts I sometimes think it does more damage!

This may have been the most painful experience of my life. I am not sure because I am still processing. T does still have the gift. He is holding it and wants to give it back to me when it has a different meaning.

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

Oh gosh, this really resonates with me. Thanks for sharing. It is so hard to come up against a boundary and then face the reality of the relationship. It's so very painful. But I'm glad it has helped you see that T does care for you even if not in the way you want. That is a hard realisation but I think ultimately a very healing one.

Thanks dreamy01. I have never had the experience of coming up against a boundary like this and having it so utterly reshape/transform/correct my perception. It was terribly painful, but absolutely necessary.

[Sunne]

This is really beautiful.. and reminds me of my relationship with my T. Hopefully I can get past the point of falling in love to just having deep love for him.

Thanks for sharing!

[rainbow_rose]

psychicbaby, what you've written (and experienced) is amazing and intense. sound like a huge learning experience for you and that is so awesome. thanks so much for taking the time to share this!

i'm not even close to allowing myself to feel the depth of feelings i have toward my therapist. every time i bring it up, she doesn't seem get my need to talk about it. and i can't handle the pain of trying over and over to get her to understand.

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

i'm not even close to allowing myself to feel the depth of feelings i have toward my therapist. every time i bring it up, she doesn't seem get my need to talk about it. and i can't handle the pain of trying over and over to get her to understand.

rainbow_rose, I am sorry you have a hard time discussing this subject with your T. I hope that she can get to a point of understanding, so you will be able to work through it with her.

I was hesitant about posting this because it is so difficult to like myself while accepting this stuff, but I am glad I did because it seems a lot of people can relate.

Originally Posted by Lauru

My xT did not love me at all, she didn't even have unconditional regard for me. I failed by getting sick, and she dumped me. The night I OD'ed and was suicidal I called her. She told me not to call her and hung up. I hate her. She hates me. I guess we're even. She has hurt me down to my core. I will never see her again, and she is relieved. I always knew that if people saw the real me, they would hate me and leave. And I was right.

that sounds like malpractice.

but a lot of people did not want to work with me either because I was suicidal. they are afraid. im sorry your xt was so awful.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Psychic,
Your story was so well-written, and I have to say that I really feel for you as we have had some similar occurrences.

I never truly fathomed that I would ever be with my T IRL, or be a part of his family. I said that I wanted him to adopt me, but when I think of it really happening I feel sick. Because I think I needed the idealized version of T to stay right where he was, and if I ever became a part of his real life, my idealized T would be gone. I don't know if that makes sense.

That being said, I do identify with your wanting your T to love/care about you. It did feel good to see him, to talk to him, and it is painful not to see him. It is painful that my ending wasn't the same as yours. I hope it is okay to say that Psychic, I hope you understand that I am truly happy for you!

Please KNOW that I am truly SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy for you and SOOOOOOOOOO proud of you! I suppose that things will continue to get better for you. It is good to know that you made it through this. Please keep posting and keep us updated! You are very strong and courageous!

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Psychic,
Your story was so well-written, and I have to say that I really feel for you as we have had some similar occurrences.

Thanks Antimatter, I really do feel for you too

I never truly fathomed that I would ever be with my T IRL, or be a part of his family. I said that I wanted him to adopt me, but when I think of it really happening I feel sick. Because I think I needed the idealized version of T to stay right where he was, and if I ever became a part of his real life, my idealized T would be gone. I don't know if that makes sense.

Yes this makes a lot of sense to me. It is difficult to let go of the idealizations we have of people.

That being said, I do identify with your wanting your T to love/care about you. It did feel good to see him, to talk to him, and it is painful not to see him. It is painful that my ending wasn't the same as yours. I hope it is okay to say that Psychic, I hope you understand that I am truly happy for you!

It is fine for you to say that! I wish that your ending had not been so traumatic and painful for you.

Please KNOW that I am truly SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy for you and SOOOOOOOOOO proud of you! I suppose that things will continue to get better for you. It is good to know that you made it through this. Please keep posting and keep us updated! You are very strong and courageous!

I really appreciate your support and sentiments. I am here for you. This is definitely not the end for me as I still have a very long way to go. Unfortunately seeing/accepting my behaviors does not magically change all of them or provide me with all of the skills needed to immediately curb them, but it is getting better. I know if I see them I can change them and I want to.

I know things have been so difficult for you and I want you to know that YOUR courage inspires me. No matter how difficult it gets you are still here, you are still reaching out, and trying, and that matters.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

I really appreciate your support and sentiments. I am here for you. This is definitely not the end for me as I still have a very long way to go. Unfortunately seeing/accepting my behaviors does not magically change all of them or provide me with all of the skills needed to immediately curb them, but it is getting better. I know if I see them I can change them and I want to.

I know things have been so difficult for you and I want you to know that YOUR courage inspires me. No matter how difficult it gets you are still here, you are still reaching out, and trying, and that matters.

Thank you so much Psychic. I am here for you, also. I know it is not the end of your journey, but you have figured out a huge piece of the puzzle. We will be courageous together as we trudge through the muck and the mire and will reach a point that is more peaceful and more consistent.

Take care of you!

[Lauru]

[QUOTE=Psychicbaby323;2594213]((((Lauru)))).... I am so sorry you had this experience. Your T really failed you. I can't comprehend why she would have treated you that way. At the very least she could have been compassionate and directed you toward crisis intervention. I hope you are in a better place now.

She said I was "disturbing". She never really cared, obviously. I was allowed to hang around as long as I was healthy. But if I got sick, it was a kick in the butt out the door.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

that sounds like malpractice.

but a lot of people did not want to work with me either because I was suicidal. they are afraid. im sorry your xt was so awful.

My pdoc said it was unprofessional and unethical. He didn't give up on me.