[~EnlightenMe~]

I drove to my new T's building, which is in another city close-by. I walk into the building, and go to the elevator, which says CALL above the button. Clearly, it is an old building. The elevator has switches by each level for what I don't know. The hallways are narrow, and the bathroom has pink tiles on it. I really love the building for some reason, it doesn't look like much, but it has a good feel to it. I felt like going into the bathroom, turning on my phone and recording an EVP session to see if there were any ghosts residing there that would speak to me, lol. I think I've been watching Ghost Hunters too much. But I do get a good feeling from the building, maybe it has fung shui, who knows? I wanted to include this part because I forgot to write about it last time.

This session, I can feel that I connected a lot more than the first session. He asked questions, so did I. I told him about me freaking out about the termination deal. I told him I so badly wanted to know what happened and asked if I should get the therapy notes. He said I could if I wanted. I told him that I was afraid to do that, even though I wanted, because I am pretty sure that it would increase my rage. He said, yes, I agree with that. We can talk about how you feel here, this is the place to do it. You can talk about how you feel about the termination as much as you want. I said, "You'll BE sorry you said that!" He laughed - I'm glad he has a good sense of humor.

We went over more history stuff as he want to know me better. It's kind of difficult sometimes. He reminded me that he would be gone one Wed. in October, I said, okay. I left feeling like I had processed a lot of material which really felt good. I do deserve to feel this way and I can learn from my new therapist and I will do my best to handle things differently.

I left and walked through a beautiful historic neighborhood to get to my car. I am going to be okay. I am going to move forward. I do plan on changing a lot in my life, and I know I will be happy. It will just take a lot of time and patience.

Thanks for listening

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I drove to my new T's building, which is in another city close-by. I walk into the building, and go to the elevator, which says CALL above the button. Clearly, it is an old building. The elevator has switches by each level for what I don't know. The hallways are narrow, and the bathroom has pink tiles on it. I really love the building for some reason, it doesn't look like much, but it has a good feel to it. I felt like going into the bathroom, turning on my phone and recording an EVP session to see if there were any ghosts residing there that would speak to me, lol. I think I've been watching Ghost Hunters too much. But I do get a good feeling from the building, maybe it has fung shui, who knows? I wanted to include this part because I forgot to write about it last time.

This session, I can feel that I connected a lot more than the first session. He asked questions, so did I. I told him about me freaking out about the termination deal. I told him I so badly wanted to know what happened and asked if I should get the therapy notes. He said I could if I wanted. I told him that I was afraid to do that, even though I wanted, because I am pretty sure that it would increase my rage. He said, yes, I agree with that. We can talk about how you feel here, this is the place to do it. You can talk about how you feel about the termination as much as you want. I said, "You'll BE sorry you said that!" He laughed - I'm glad he has a good sense of humor.

We went over more history stuff as he want to know me better. It's kind of difficult sometimes. He reminded me that he would be gone one Wed. in October, I said, okay. I left feeling like I had processed a lot of material which really felt good. I do deserve to feel this way and I can learn from my new therapist and I will do my best to handle things differently.

I left and walked through a beautiful historic neighborhood to get to my car. I am going to be okay. I am going to move forward. I do plan on changing a lot in my life, and I know I will be happy. It will just take a lot of time and patience.

Thanks for listening

Antimatter,
That is great news. I am glad you approve of your new t and also that he is encouraging you to talk about your termination- the cause of all your sadness and anger. I hope that this new T will be able to shed some light on the termination and give his two cents worth and maybe enlighten you as to why your ex T did this.
Big hugs to you and well done for being so pro-active

[sweepy62]

That's a great post

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by button30

Antimatter,
That is great news. I am glad you approve of your new t and also that he is encouraging you to talk about your termination- the cause of all your sadness and anger. I hope that this new T will be able to shed some light on the termination and give his two cents worth and maybe enlighten you as to why your ex T did this.
Big hugs to you and well done for being so pro-active

Thank you so much for your reply! I feel alot better since I was able to somewhat connect with my newT. I may talk about termination, but it won't be focused on my xT and his reaction, it will be focused on, as I told my new T, "Why I got triggered all over the place," when xT set boundaries and at the end. We are focusing on me, and because of that, I will be able to make it through. Thanks for the hugs and your supportive post I really appreciate it!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

That's a great post

Thank you so much Sweepy! I hope you are doing okay

Why I got triggered all over the place," when xT set boundaries

Do you have any abandonment issues that you are aware of? I am only asking because I have huge issues with this and I would get so triggered by this too. I would be hurt beyond belief, like I felt when my T terminated out of the blue.
JUst wanted to say I know how hard and frustrating it is but you are helping yourself now and thats the main thing

[roads]

Sounds like a great continuation on your path of discovery. Happy roadtrip!!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Just as a side note, I really think that having gone through so much and not having a therapist to help me process everything really delayed me getting better and increased my rage. I don't plan on being like this always, but for now I do need someone to help me work through things. And this is good, and I accept this since it is where I am at this point. I am proud of myself, even though I have raged and spewed anger all over the place, for making it through. I fell into the abyss, lived there for awhile, and then climbed my way out. I did do this. I really did. I love what I did.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by button30

Why I got triggered all over the place," when xT set boundaries

Do you have any abandonment issues that you are aware of? I am only asking because I have huge issues with this and I would get so triggered by this too. I would be hurt beyond belief, like I felt when my T terminated out of the blue.
JUst wanted to say I know how hard and frustrating it is but you are helping yourself now and thats the main thing

Yes, huge abandonment issues! I was so ungodly hurt beyond belief that itsent me into an enraged psychotic depression, if there is such a thing. I think I posted some kind of enraged negative post nightly for god knows how long, with a few good ones in between. It was nice to be on PC and just to get it all out, and I truly held nothing back.

I am definitely in it for me now. I still care alot about my xT, but I don't need him. I will never stop caring about him, and I think that it is okay for me to wish that he is happy. He helped me on my journey as far as he could, and now it is time for me to move on and find someone who can start where he left off. I like my new T thus far.

I am sorry you had to go through termination, it sucks. Thanks for your post

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Sounds like a great continuation on your path of discovery. Happy roadtrip!!

Thanks Roadie! It's time for me to find a path of my own. I love roadtrips, btw

Antimatter... I'm so happy you were able to really hear your new T. If you are like me, there will be times when this feeling will slip and you will head down the old path... remember to come back and read this thread...

feelings are just feelings we don't have to act on them... i keep telling myself this over and over again.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Just as a side note, I really think that having gone through so much and not having a therapist to help me process everything really delayed me getting better and increased my rage. I don't plan on being like this always, but for now I do need someone to help me work through things. And this is good, and I accept this since it is where I am at this point. I am proud of myself, even though I have raged and spewed anger all over the place, for making it through. I fell into the abyss, lived there for awhile, and then climbed my way out. I did do this. I really did. I love what I did.

I am so happy for you Antimatter and you are right...you should be proud of yourself. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to "climb out of it" and I am glad you did. It wasn't easy to get where you are and I am glad you are there and have the ability to give yourself some credit.

It sounds like you found yourself a really good new T.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Antimatter... I'm so happy you were able to really hear your new T. If you are like me, there will be times when this feeling will slip and you will head down the old path... remember to come back and read this thread...

feelings are just feelings we don't have to act on them... i keep telling myself this over and over again.

Thanks Ready! I know I will slip back down again, that is my pattern. I know that feelings are just feelings, but my rage needed a voice, it needed to speak, and it did. It was a part of getting better that needed to happen, so I hope I will soon be on the mend. I did hear my new T, and I used to hear my old T, though for awhile I didn't understand him.
I will revisit this thread when needed, and I'm glad you are doing well.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

I am so happy for you Antimatter and you are right...you should be proud of yourself. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to "climb out of it" and I am glad you did. It wasn't easy to get where you are and I am glad you are there and have the ability to give yourself some credit.

It sounds like you found yourself a really good new T.

((((Psychic))))))
I'm so glad you posted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So good to see you, we are both in a better place!!!!!!!

[mixedup_emotions]

So good to hear that you saw your new T and that you were able to express some of what's been going on and how you've been feeling. I really hope this T works out for you, so you can get much needed relief.

[adel34]

Hi Antimatter,
This is the best news I've heard from you in a while and I'm so happy for you! What a positive session! You totally deserve it. You're on the right track.

[Sannah]

WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Excellent work AMatter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so impressed!

[taylor43]

I am so happy for you!! (((((((((((Hugs)))))))

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I left and walked through a beautiful historic neighborhood to get to my car. I am going to be okay. I am going to move forward. I do plan on changing a lot in my life, and I know I will be happy. It will just take a lot of time and patience.

Thanks for listening

I am really happy for you that you have had such a positive experience with this T. I think that talking about the termination with exT will be really helpful for you and for him. I would partly like to see you feel some sense of normalcy for your reaction (as in, it is a legitimately awful thing to be terminated) and I also think that termination is not just termination, it is about dealing with loss and abandonment and betrayal, and those subjects are both universal and ongoing.

You are doing great.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I am really happy for you that you have had such a positive experience with this T. I would partly like to see you feel some sense of normalcy for your reaction (as in, it is a legitimately awful thing to be terminated) and I also think that termination is not just termination, it is about dealing with loss and abandonment and betrayal, and those subjects are both universal and ongoing.

You are doing great.

I think that talking about the termination with exT will be really helpful for you and for him.

Do you mean that after I improve, that you think talking about the termination with my extherapist would be a good idea? I do hope I am able to do this, after I work through it all and am able to figure out what is mine to own. I do wish that I knew what was mine, what was transference, what what him, etc. But I honestly don't, and I am okay with that for now but will work with that with my newT.

Thank you for saying that termination is not just termination, because of all the elements of which you speak, it has been a rocky road and I care about my xT so I struggle when I'm enraged at him. I feel like I'm betraying him and myself. But, I think you are right, I do need to accept my reaction as being just that, a reaction to abandonment, betrayal, and loss. My rage and pain comes from not wanting my xT to be any of these things, but I am now experiencing the pain of accepting that this is a huge loss. I do think my new T will be able to help me through this, to help me become more independent, and to help me with my dissociated parts.

Thanks for your reply.