For many of us on the boards, there was a disconnect with being parented properly. Hence therapy, the therapeutic relationship and transference. So I was curious, how many people stay in contact with their parents. Has anyone's parent had a change of heart and if so, were you able to overcome the hurt from childhood and have a healthy adult relationship?
How many people have no relationship with their parents?
For those of you who do and the dynamic has not changed? If not then why have a relationship?
Some time ago on PC someone told me that I'll forgive my parents someday....but I don't believe that is required for me to get better, as poison will always be poison.
What does your T think?

[Fixated]

I think I am different from a lot of people on here in regard to my childhood experiences. My parents definitely failed me in many respects, but (apparently) a lot of the animosity I feel is just me needing to resolve my own issues. Apparently, I've just perceived a lot of things incorrectly. I've built a lot of unhealthy patterns to deal with my childhood.

Sometimes I think this might be worse than actually having parents that were abusive versus me living in an unhealthy, chaotic environment. Idk. It's like...yeah...things sucked.....but I clearly overreacted to everything.

[murray]

Great topic Lola.

My father died when I was 15 so that leaves me with just my mom and step-father. It is actually very interesting to see how my relationship with my mom has changed. She was not a great mom, to say the least, when I was growing up. However we now have a very nice friendly relationship which I am very happy about. After many bad years, she went through an enormous change and is almost a different person. She got sober, went on psych meds and has grown up quite a bit. There are still issues and I have to be careful with boundaries with her as we can end up in a very dysfunctional place pretty quickly if I let her get too intrusive/dependent/controlling/etc. For the most part though, I am very happy with the place we have gotten to.
The problem with this is that I see how much she was able to change and it gives me hope that others will do the same and sadly I think she is one of the exceptions.

Also, I was reading on another thread about hugs and it is only within the past couple years that I have felt comfortable when my mom hugs me. She is way too touchy and intrusive and I never was able to relax around her. Now that I am more secure in myself(through therapy) and I am able to set boundaries with her and others (sometimes) I can finally feel that I am free to accept a hug, rather than have it forced on me, and that has made all the difference. Sorry, bit of a tangent there.

[wotchermuggle]

Full contact with one parent.....other one has died.

[granite1]

my T thinks i should have no contact and to realize that what i want isn't going to happen.
i seem to want a good mom so bad that i keep trying but am always dissapointed in the long run. and i cant seem to accept it even when the mother is trying to be suportive

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Full contact with one parent.....other one has died.

I should have put a caveat in about deceased parents, as in prior to death. Sorry

[Screenager]

Full contact with both, but then again I still live with them and they're also really great parents.

My father is dead but I cut off contact with my step mother. I did try to understand her but it got to the point where I decided I couldn't have her in my life anymore. She has made no attempt to get in touch since which actually underlines our whole relationship, ie, she never tried to close the gap. It's hard, I don't do this easy, I miss the tiny part of her that I loved. But ll her other parts were to destructive to me. I don't feel I have to forgive her, she did what she did, I just have to concentrate on my life now.

My father is deceased. Prior to his death, I had full contact with him and limited contact with my mother. I saw her only to the extent it was necessary to see him. Now that he's gone, I have some limited contact with her.

If my T had his way, I would have no contact with her at all. [The marriage counselor my husband and I see also feels this way, but is not as forceful or adamant about it.]

[Ike McCaslin]

I have always had full contact with both parents(dad died 12 years ago). I don't understand my feelings of transference for my PDOC. I tend to think I had an ideal childhood.

My parents live 1200 km away so I checked limited contact with both. I would have constant contact with both of them if we all lived in the same town.

[Sannah]

I went through the stage of anger with my mom. She didn't understand anything I was saying, like I was speaking Greek or something. My other 2 sisters did the same thing with her. I think that she has a denial shield up to protect her because I don't think that her ego can accept the reality. I went about my way of building my life and healing myself. I am no longer angry with my mom. I actually feel sorry for her because I see her as very wounded and she is missing out on a lot of life behind her shield. I interact with her like I would any stranger. I have no emotions about it anymore so I don't have to be angry.

Originally Posted by Sannah

I interact with her like I would any stranger. I have no emotions about it anymore so I don't have to be angry.

I get this, still a little residual anger , but mainly nothing.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I get this, still a little residual anger , but mainly nothing.

Yeah, and I guess I also have my shield up against her because she will never hurt me again.

[taylor43]

My mom died when i was 15. I have no contact with Dad, he is abusive towards me!

[autotelica]

I talk to my parents (through my mother, typically) about every two-three weeks.

Sometimes I go through moments when I feel resentment towards my parents. Especially when I see other parents interacting with their children in ways that I perceive as "ideal". The other day I went to Home Depot and I saw parents building treehouses and whatnot with their kids. When I see things like that, I start thinking of how my parents failed. How they were too busy to do things like that with my siblings and me. And how they never treated us as individuals worth getting to know.

But overall, I don't have major beef with either one of them. I can distinguish their "sins" from who they are. My father did mean and cruel things, but he's not a mean and cruel person. My mother was not as motherly as she could have been, but she's doing her best now. I just have to do my part by letting the both of them in more than I have. It's very easy for me to put them out of my head and not factor them as components of my life, but I do know that this hurts them. So I need to stop.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I have full contact with both parents...they only live 20 miles from me. I really wish I had limited contact with them, as they are a huge source of anxiety for me. Unfortunately, since my brother died, they've become rather clingy to me. I love my parents, I just don't always like them, and I don't know how to tell them that, or even if I should.

My T would love for me to bring at least my mother to a session, but I just can't do it.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Yeah, and I guess I also have my shield up against her because she will never hurt me again.

I think for me it was, if a person causes more harm then good in your life ...you need to make a decision about whats best for you. I use this regarding all people, why should the bad parents not be included? And yes, It is a way to protect me, fool me once.... but never again.

[healed84]

I have never really had a relationship with my father, even though he lived with us on and off for most of my childhood. Just never had a connection with him. Along with the fact that he was abusive to us.. and I have no desire to really even call him my father. He had a daughter 8 years ago, so I have some contact with him now so I can have a relationship with my half sister.

My mom.. she was not abusive really.. She was really just absent and turned her eyes from the abuse from my father (he was abusive to her as well).. I spent a lot of my pre-teens and teens mad at my mother and didn't know why. I know why now, and I am working on it. So.. We have more contact that me and my father, but really.. it is so she can see her grandkids. We really don't hang out just to hang out or anything.

[nicoleflynn]

I never knew my father (divorce), and met him when I was 33; he died shortly after.

My mother was verbally and physically abusive; I joined the army (best decision I ever made) .

Unfortunately I married someone like my mother and divorced him after 31 years.

My mother has mellowed and I have been calling her every Saturday for 40 years......I know she has no idea what a number she did on me. SHe just turned 90.

[TheWell]

Both my parents have passed away.

[stopdog]

One parent is dead and one parent lives a long way from me. But I have contact with the living one and had contact with both when both were alive.

My parents live about 500 miles away, so I don't get to see them nearly as much as I'd like, but we talk frequently by phone. Dad is now 82 and Mom is 78; this month they will celebrate 60 years of marriage. They weren't perfect parents, but they came pretty close. They certainly modeled respect and love for my sisters and I. We were very blessed.

[nicoleb2]

No contact with either. Dad died when I was 16, mom died 4 years ago

[critterlady]

I had contact with both of my parents before Mom died. Now that she's gone, I have full contact with my father. Well, at least as much as it can be with us living several hundred miles apart.

My T would prefer I have very limited or no contact with my father until I work through what a mess he and my mother made of me when I was a child.

I just can't cut him off. A couple of other siblings have done that and he has never forgiven them. It would leave another sibling with all the work of dealing with him, both while he's alive and after he's gone. I can't do that to my sibling.