My H is going to group therapy for his addiction to porn. He is seeing the clinical director at the practice of my xT. So in short we were seeing therapists in the same practice. His T is my xT's boss. I quit psychodynamic therapy (via email..i know...) with xT a couple of months ago.

My H's T gave him this assignment. Ask me to list 5 ways that he or I contribute to the crisis in our marriage. I don't know what his T means by crisis. What do you think crisis in a marriage would mean? I think of it as big not everyday things that happen like for us..the disclosure of his porn addiction and our prior fertility issues... But was thinking of responding to it as if crisis means things that make me question my H's love/committment

The other difficult point for me is that I know once I write these out for H that he will most likely discuss them in group. How would you feel about that?

Is anyone else's H in individual or group therapy at the same time as you were? Were you able to handle the "chaos" of the emotions therapy brings up with both of you in therapy?

I would not be comfortable with my husband discussing me in group therapy. That would make me unhappy.

In terms of a crisis in the marriage, although nothing big or dramatic has happened in my marriage, I do think my marriage is in crisis. I say that because it seems like we are walking on the edge of the relationship ending. Things are a bit better than they were, but if anything marginally bad were to happen, I know that it would likely be the end of the relationship. In other words, the relationship is no longer strong enough to survive what might otherwise be 'normal' issues.

[0w6c379]

Well I'm not currently married but I will offer my thoughts on what I think "crisis" would mean. I think it means to address major problems that YOU
believe are affecting your relationship now. Such as the porn addiction you mentioned. Please know that the examples I'm going to suggest are just to serve the purpose of giving you an idea of what I think T is looking for. I am in therapy myself and have no knowledge of what you have gone through in your life nor do I presume you would identify with anything here, this is purely an example, such as: Do you "think" that you have contributed in any way to his porn addiction (by pushing him away for instance)? I'm NOT saying you did at all but if you have any thoughts on this I think that might be worth mentioning (I think it is natural to wonder what we may have done - if anything - to contribute to our partner's addiction). Or, let's say you feel that you think your husband has been pushing YOU away because he is tired of being blamed for the infertility issue. Maybe you are angry with your husband for not doing this or that? Maybe you "think" he is angry with you for not doing this or that? Maybe he is not angry with you at all and just needs a release or escape from other problems he is having.

The questions are to raise your thoughts and relay your perceptions on what is going on. This is all exploratory to help narrow down the field to the cause of your husband's behavior. It is not about "blaming" anyone for anything but I think it is about feeling blame or ascribing it to someone. This matter will not likely be resolved by answering 5 questions but it will help the T and your husband to see your perspective of the whole matter. I think it is important for you to assist in participating. If you are uncomfortable in your answers being discussed in a group session, then I would definitely raise this with your husband and ask that he discuss it privately with T. Maybe he could have a private session just for this matter alone? Is that possible?

Did you stop going to your T because of his relationship with your husband's T? Do you think it would help if you see a different T?
Best wishes to you.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I would not be comfortable with my husband discussing me in group therapy. That would make me unhappy.

I agree, but then I think.....things could be a lot worse than my husband talking about me in therapy. He could refuse to try and change and I could be looking at divorce. I think letting him have space to figure things out on his end is better than not.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

What do you think crisis in a marriage would mean?

Anything that could threaten the marital bond or lead to divorce.

A few examples:

When one partner wants to leave the marriage because they aren't happy.
When one partner becomes intimate either emotionally or physically outside the marriage.
When one partner has an addiction like porn, drugs, gambling, alcohol etc...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

My H is going to group therapy for his addiction to porn. He is seeing the clinical director at the practice of my xT. So in short we were seeing therapists in the same practice. His T is my xT's boss. I quit psychodynamic therapy (via email..i know...) with xT a couple of months ago.

My H's T gave him this assignment. Ask me to list 5 ways that he or I contribute to the crisis in our marriage. I don't know what his T means by crisis. What do you think crisis in a marriage would mean? I think of it as big not everyday things that happen like for us..the disclosure of his porn addiction and our prior fertility issues... But was thinking of responding to it as if crisis means things that make me question my H's love/committment

The other difficult point for me is that I know once I write these out for H that he will most likely discuss them in group. How would you feel about that?

Is anyone else's H in individual or group therapy at the same time as you were? Were you able to handle the "chaos" of the emotions therapy brings up with both of you in therapy?

based on what you posed and the kind of group he is in, my guess would be the crisis of his turning to porn...how do you and he contribute to why he turned to porn..

usually when a therapist asks something like this the crisis is the reason why the client is in treatment.

example Im in a group therapy for dissociation problems. so the crisis in my wifes and my relationship would be how and why dissociation affects my wife and I, how we contribute or dont contribute to my problem of having dissociation.

Another example someone who is in AA their "crisis" would be their drinking and how that affects their relationships.

Wow ...it never occurred to me that H's T may be asking about my contributing to H turning to porn.... I've spent the last year of therapy with xT convincing me that I am not responsible for my H's porn addiction and that H started this addiction at 13 years old way before me... now I'm not sure how to respond at all to this or even if I'm willing to...

addiction is only the responsibility of the addict, its not your fault RS.

[critterlady]

I wholeheartedly agree with Lola. You didn't cause his addiction. Nothing you could have done contributed to it nor can you fix it. Addicts often deflect the responsibility because facing up to it for themselves is too painful.

I'm not married, but I would assume that a partnered person in a group therapy situation will occasionally mention their partner.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Wow ...it never occurred to me that H's T may be asking about my contributing to H turning to porn.... I've spent the last year of therapy with xT convincing me that I am not responsible for my H's porn addiction and that H started this addiction at 13 years old way before me... now I'm not sure how to respond at all to this or even if I'm willing to...

maybe thats the point the T is trying to make, that he and only he made the choice. by asking him to come to you and the two of you talk about what made him turn to porn will one open communication between you two and two make the point that nothing you could have done made him open that porn book, go on porn sights...

like an alcoholic who at first places blame on others instead of their own actions for the drinking maybe your husband is still stuck in blaming other reasons for his problem. one of the fastest ways to make a point is a hands on activity.

I asked my H to contact his T and ask what he meant by "crisis in marriage". I can't be sure how to respond without understanding the question.

[murray]

I've been struggling with how to respond to this thread as it hits a little close to home for me. So sorry that you are feeling bad about this.
To me, I think of a crisis in a marriage as something which puts the relationship and the trust in serious jeopardy- such a porn addiction, an affair, lying...and often the aftermath of those types of things. The way the both spouses react to the discovery of something like an addiction can cause other issues. In my case there was distrust, resentment, shame, etc which caused me to perhaps behave in ways towards my H that might have made it harder for us to attempt to move past the crisis. I m not sure if this might be what the T is looking for. I don't know.
Also as hard as it was, I knew that my H was going to be discussing me in his group therapy but I figured it was in an effort to help him with his problem. Besides, I told myself that I didn't know any of them and it was supposed to be confidential so I tried my best not to think about the fact that I was a topic of discussion. Sadly my H wasn't always kind enough to play along with my attempt to put it out of my mind by informing me of the groups opinion of me at times. Anyway.... so I do understand how hard this is.

If I have offended or upset you in any way I am terribly sorry. As I said, this topic hits pretty close to home so I am finding it hard to comment without saying too much.

[Victoria'smom]

What do you think crisis in a marriage would mean? Not being able to trust H with my feelings or withholding things from him.

The other difficult point for me is that I know once I write these out for H that he will most likely discuss them in group. How would you feel about that?

My H was in group for awhile. I was not worried about what he said about me, our relationship, or our family. Anything that helps him heal. If I'm part of the problem then I'd rather H find out so we can fix it.

Is anyone else's H in individual or group therapy at the same time as you were? Were you able to handle the "chaos" of the emotions therapy brings up with both of you in therapy?

Our whole family is in individual therapy, occasionally group and family therapy. My H and I usually sit in the others sessions (we call bs faster then T). We both are flies on the wall in each others therapy. He says messed up things about me and vice versa. We also kick each other out when we feel like it. A lot of times we go to the park and talk about Therapy after. I find H knows me better then me. Some times we work on relationship issues but usually we do individuality work. There are times that our T's kick our partners out but we can calm each other fast.

I think dreaming about situations is the way to tell you are totally stressed about it. I had 3 different dreams about this situation last night. The first dream I was in my husband's group and his T was talking but he had a heavy accent and I couldn't understand anything he was saying... so I asked him to repeat it and he said it slower but I still couldn't understand it yet everyone around me was nodding their heads like they understood.

The second dream I had was that I had been hanging out/spending time with one of the guys from my husbands group therapy but he told me we couldn't hang out anymore because my xT told him we shouldn't be hanging out...that it wasnt a good idea... (my xT told me that he had a friend in my husbands group therapy)

The third dream was I was back in my husbands group again and they were talking about how the practice was expanding and going to have more locations but that the website was going to stay the same...

I think I'm officially stressed out about this...

I know my husband has talked about me lots of times in group and it has never bothered me before because its always been his perspective of the situation but if I am supposed to list the things that I think are affecting the relationship now....that is me opening up about a lot of things that truely hurt me and me being vulnerable (even though I'm not there) to be shared with a group of guys who may sit there and roll their eyes and say comments about it... it would really hurt if his T said something that invalidates my feelings...

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

My H is going to group therapy for his addiction to porn. He is seeing the clinical director at the practice of my xT. So in short we were seeing therapists in the same practice. His T is my xT's boss. I quit psychodynamic therapy (via email..i know...) with xT a couple of months ago.

My H's T gave him this assignment. Ask me to list 5 ways that he or I contribute to the crisis in our marriage. I don't know what his T means by crisis. What do you think crisis in a marriage would mean? I think of it as big not everyday things that happen like for us..the disclosure of his porn addiction and our prior fertility issues... But was thinking of responding to it as if crisis means things that make me question my H's love/committment

The other difficult point for me is that I know once I write these out for H that he will most likely discuss them in group. How would you feel about that?

Is anyone else's H in individual or group therapy at the same time as you were? Were you able to handle the "chaos" of the emotions therapy brings up with both of you in therapy?

its not your fault my h and i been married for a long time and in the beginning he use to use porn to make our intimacy better he is not addicted so i kinda felt dirty about it so i spoke to him saying maybe once in a while but not everytime and he agreed

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I know my husband has talked about me lots of times in group and it has never bothered me before because its always been his perspective of the situation but if I am supposed to list the things that I think are affecting the relationship now....that is me opening up about a lot of things that truely hurt me and me being vulnerable (even though I'm not there) to be shared with a group of guys who may sit there and roll their eyes and say comments about it... it would really hurt if his T said something that invalidates my feelings...

I see your point about you allowing yourself to be vulnerable by sharing with your H things that have hurt you. That feeling of vulnerability would be exponentially increased, I would think, by knowing that he's going to share it in a group.

I think it's really important for your H not to share with you the things he talks about in group that involve you. I don't think you should know that he has talked about you in group or what he has said. I think you need a really strong boundary if you're going to share these things with him. That he does not come back to you and share things that the other group has said about your reveal, or he does not come back and share with you that he even shared these things that you said.

I think that by him sharing these things, he's creating sort of a triangulated conversation between him, his group and/or his T, and you. It's fine for him to share directly with you HIS thoughts and feelings-- e.g. if he were to say, "today in group I talked about how badly I feel for how much I have hurt you", that seems un-triangulated. But if he were to say "today in group I talked about how badly you must feel because of my addiction and Bill said that you were obviously a strong woman and didn't need my pity." Or T said this about you, or whatever. I don't think it's helpful to you to know what others have said about you and how you feel. What your H feels about how he's hurt you, fine.

I don't know if this makes any sense. But I'm the person in therapy in my marriage and I talk a lot about my husband and my marriage. But I do not tell him anything about what I talk about in T, and it feels to me that if I did, it would have overtones of "my T thinks that you don't support me enough" and a few other issues. I think that what one person chooses to pass on to the spouse about his or her own therapy process should be strictly limited to sharing about what he has learned about himself and how he wants your marriage to be different. IMO only.

[murray]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I see your point about you allowing yourself to be vulnerable by sharing with your H things that have hurt you. That feeling of vulnerability would be exponentially increased, I would think, by knowing that he's going to share it in a group.

I think it's really important for your H not to share with you the things he talks about in group that involve you. I don't think you should know that he has talked about you in group or what he has said. I think you need a really strong boundary if you're going to share these things with him. That he does not come back to you and share things that the other group has said about your reveal, or he does not come back and share with you that he even shared these things that you said.

I think that by him sharing these things, he's creating sort of a triangulated conversation between him, his group and/or his T, and you. It's fine for him to share directly with you HIS thoughts and feelings-- e.g. if he were to say, "today in group I talked about how badly I feel for how much I have hurt you", that seems un-triangulated. But if he were to say "today in group I talked about how badly you must feel because of my addiction and Bill said that you were obviously a strong woman and didn't need my pity." Or T said this about you, or whatever. I don't think it's helpful to you to know what others have said about you and how you feel. What your H feels about how he's hurt you, fine.

I don't know if this makes any sense. But I'm the person in therapy in my marriage and I talk a lot about my husband and my marriage. But I do not tell him anything about what I talk about in T, and it feels to me that if I did, it would have overtones of "my T thinks that you don't support me enough" and a few other issues. I think that what one person chooses to pass on to the spouse about his or her own therapy process should be strictly limited to sharing about what he has learned about himself and how he wants your marriage to be different. IMO only.

This is such great advice. When my H (ex to be) would tell me what his T or the other group members would say about me it was very hard to deal with.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

What do you think crisis in a marriage would mean?

Anything that would acuse either partner to think they were better off alone.