[Asiablue]

There's lots of posts about transference on here and mostly we all hate it. It is a very common integral part of therapy, every therapist is taught about it in their training and there are books and papers dedicated to this very subject. Transference also happens in every single relationship/friendship we encounter in life, it affects how we interact with people.

So it struck me as strange how we as clients have so much shame around transference. And i wondered if anyone knows why we feel shamed by it so much?

[elysia]

It's not reciprocal, which gives you a feeling of vulnerability. Maybe? Also for ppl who are too proud to admit they need help or other people (heh like me), transference brings up a whole bunch of issues we'd rather never saw the light of day. Also perhaps a fear of rejection or abandonment.... that we know the T doesn't feel the same way, and that they may reject us or not agree to see us, if they feel we as clients are too attached.

[sittingatwatersedge]

just my opinion, but it reverts us to child status and we remember that as a powerless time, we value our adult status a lot and don't like to see ourselves heavily dependent again -

It's something big, that happens to us involuntarily, and we cannot ignore it (and worse, cannot shut it off, we just have to endure it).

That's how someone defined shame - having your private self involuntarily exposed to others and you find that you're unable to defend against the exposure.

And it's especially awful to realize that we're hugely exposed to someone we hardly know (when you come down to it), and who knows so very much about us - it heightens the sense of vulnerability past a tolerable level.

[bamapsych]

Amen to SAWE's post above

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

just my opinion, but it reverts us to child status and we remember that as a powerless time, we value our adult status a lot and don't like to see ourselves heavily dependent again -

It's something big, that happens to us involuntarily, and we cannot ignore it (and worse, cannot shut it off, we just have to endure it).

That's how someone defined shame - having your private self involuntarily exposed to others and you find that you're unable to defend against the exposure.

And it's especially awful to realize that we're hugely exposed to someone we hardly know (when you come down to it), and who knows so very much about us - it heightens the sense of vulnerability past a tolerable level.

awesome explanation! I wonder if clients were given an open explanation about transference and why it occurs at the very start of therapy if it would make it feel less shameful. It wasn't until i read about it here that i realised that my transference was normal. Doesn't make it any less uncomfortable tho!

How many clients must go thru therapy feeling abject shame and maybe even leave without explaining to the therapist what is going on for them. I've been able to tolerate my maternal transference because of my knowledge of why it happens, i still feel a bit embarrassed about it but less ashamed.

Great explanation SAWE! I wonder if it ever gets more natural to talk about with T. Hasn't for me yet. It's not as hard as the first time we had the discussion, but still embarrassing! What helped me though, is my T told me that she's gone through it herself with her own T. She doesn't self-disclose very often, but when she does it's for a really good reason and helpful to me.

[Sannah]

Having issues comes with shame, though. Acknowlegding and recognizing the shame is the first step. The liberating step is realizing that you don't have to be ashamed of your issues and actually being able to believe and feel this. When I was liberated from my shame half of my burden was gone immediately.

[Sunne]

For me, I need to be told over and over that my feelings are okay and normal. He needs to show me consistency with this. He's able to contain my feelings very well and has a very humanistic approach to my feelings.

I think once you start gaining some insight into the transference it can be liberating too. Also having your therapist give you a flashlight so you can see what it's all for really does help.

[sunrise]

Thinking of negative transference, for me, I think it is embarrassing because I feel I should "know better." I know my T isn't my mother but yet I reacted to him as if he would act like my mother (shaming me) in a particular incident in therapy. Even his directly telling me to think back in our relationship for evidence that he was not going to react that way did not help. It made me embarrassed because we have a good relationship and I should not be thinking so ill of him, thinking he would be like my mother. Made me want to hang my head. But he didn't take it personally or anything. Me--I thought it dishonored our relationship. We did eventually get past it...

[rainbow8]

SASE:
When I saw my first T I didn't know a thing about transference, had never heard of the word! I struggled with my feelings for her and didn't want to tell her, I was so ashamed of them. She gently told me that feelings for her weren't really for her, but for my mother. I fought against that. The sexual feelings were shaming though she told me they were sensual, and normal too. I wrote an essay called "The transference web" after my therapy with her. I still didn't understand it but knew it was very powerful.

I'm ashamed now because I can't make the transference go away. My T doesn't make me feel ashamed; she understands my feelings for her, even the baby kangeroo who wants to stay in her pouch forever. Feeling like a baby and child with my T makes me feel powerless and vulnerable, like SASE said. I know I have it worse than a lot of others and that makes me feel even more ashamed.

[KazzaX]

You act like a kid when you are in "transference mode". It is humiliating to act like a kid when you are 30+ years of age - society frowns on it. Normally people would tell us to "grow up" if we acted like that outside of therapy. It is no wonder people find it shameful and humiliating.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Rainbow - try to keep in mind that you do not have control over transference; it's involuntary and you can't shut it off. That's nothing to be ashamed of; I know it's hard to accept, as an adult, that there can be things we cannot consciously control, but it happens.
It is NO reflection on you at all. OK?

[stopdog]

I think that it may be less upsetting in the shame area to have negative transference than the other kind. That one I see has said my anger at her is transference. I think she really has done stuff to be angry at, but if not, I don't feel shame around being angry at her.. I would probably think I had gone completely over the edge of sanity if I had positive transference for her. Perhaps that would be shame.

[QuietCat]

I have never discussed it with T. Other than random talks about me learning to trust that he's not judgmental and can be trusted and patient.

I did wonder how normal it was to feel like my week isn't complete unless I see him. But my transference is mainly as a father figure, so I feel kind of glad it isn't more than that. And once I found this forum I realized this is all normal.

But is it a thing one needs to bring up in a session, or is it okay to just keep it quiet?

[sittingatwatersedge]

thanks SD, after I sent my post I realized that I didn't say there are two kinds of transference
mine is all negative and carries its own kind of shame.

not shame of finding myself dependent on or caring a lot for someone I don't know, but who knows me too intimately,
but rather shame in the knowledge that I've blamed and raged at someone & then realizing that that person never did anything to harm me,; on the contrary desires my good and works hard to help me (including putting up with my ****).

[Brightheart]

The word itself used to trigger me because I felt it diminished my feelings. It doesn't trigger me any longer. I do believe it occurs in all relationships, though it is often more intense in therapy.

[Ike McCaslin]

It may be present in all relationships, but I never paid attention until I met my PDOC. I think it sucks.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

just my opinion, but it reverts us to child status and we remember that as a powerless time, we value our adult status a lot and don't like to see ourselves heavily dependent again -

I think this is it.

[susan900]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

You act like a kid when you are in "transference mode". It is humiliating to act like a kid when you are 30+ years of age - society frowns on it. Normally people would tell us to "grow up" if we acted like that outside of therapy. It is no wonder people find it shameful and humiliating.

Hi all,

Yes I had no idea, what was going on in me! And felt ashamed to be so needy. Now, I learned about "transference" and know other people have been dealing with it, im glad im not alone. But, I did not like feeling so emotional.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Wow, SAWE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a brilliant way o explain it! We all should start writing down somewhere on here some of all of our most brilliant posts, and I think
this would be one for the books. Thanks!

[Healingchild]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

awesome explanation! I wonder if clients were given an open explanation about transference and why it occurs at the very start of therapy if it would make it feel less shameful. It wasn't until i read about it here that i realised that my transference was normal. Doesn't make it any less uncomfortable tho!

How many clients must go thru therapy feeling abject shame and maybe even leave without explaining to the therapist what is going on for them. I've been able to tolerate my maternal transference because of my knowledge of why it happens, i still feel a bit embarrassed about it but less ashamed.

I have been thinking the same thing. I wish the Ts that I have seen would have told me about transference, what it is like, what I might think and feel and that it is normal. I think it would have made a big difference and I would have opened up a long time ago. I see a new T in about 5 months and I have already decided I'm going to start the sessions with this concept and how I feel about it. Thanks for writing about this.

I think my shame comes from perceiving my neediness ( a result of transference ) as my being weak. I should just "suck it up" and get over it...that was then , this is now.... type stuff. I never had anyone to rely on as a child but me, hence I got jacked up... but as an adult to admit there is a longing for that and it is a true need that was neglected and is still being neglected... makes me feel like a giant baby.

[mcl6136]

i have tried to make this into a sort of game, in which I see the ppl in my life who trigger me and say to myself....oh, there goes BIG SIS. Or, my boss's husband....oh, gosh, hey..DAD!

The people I have the most trouble with tend to echo those troubling relationships from my past.

So, that's been the benefit of a few rough scrapes with transference in therapy. So why the hell couldn't a therapist somewhere down the line have taken me aside and said, hey, this is what might happen...and this is the lesson that you could glean from it...instead, I just foundered through. Honestly? This board has helped me sort through this MUCH more than any therapist ever did, and I have had some good ones!

Maybe they just lose perspective on this!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

i have tried to make this into a sort of game, in which I see the ppl in my life who trigger me and say to myself....oh, there goes BIG SIS. Or, my boss's husband....oh, gosh, hey..DAD!

The people I have the most trouble with tend to echo those troubling relationships from my past.

So, that's been the benefit of a few rough scrapes with transference in therapy. So why the hell couldn't a therapist somewhere down the line have taken me aside and said, hey, this is what might happen...and this is the lesson that you could glean from it...instead, I just foundered through. Honestly? This board has helped me sort through this MUCH more than any therapist ever did, and I have had some good ones!

Maybe they just lose perspective on this!

I'm the same, i have learnt so much from this board and it's really helped me be more honest in therapy because i know the things i worry about admitting or feeling are "normal" for a lot of people in therapy and that therapists will have encountered my thoughts and issues many times before.

I just feel sorry for people who haven't found boards like this and maybe quit therapy because they are ashamed of their feelings surrounding therapy or the therapist.

I've never felt shame for having transference towards my therapist.