I Don't Want To Cave - Help -

but, I feel like a naughty little girl. I just joined group therapy ( 4 of us, plus the therapist) two weeks ago. I'm committed at least for the next six weeks, but I don't want to go back. I like the people okay, but the therapist, I have decided is not my cup of tea, though she is nice enough.

No where in her CV, bio, etc., does she say that she is a homeopathic practitioner LMFT. When I interviewed she did talk about this, and that I would benefit greatly from using homeopathy. She tried to convince me that I needed these tinctures in my healing process, and I made it known to her that I wanted NO part (I'm also unwilling to do any psychiatric medicine). At both groups she has has asked others about their using these tinctures, and then she ask me about trying them - Not Fair! At the last group, she got up and walked over to a participant, and put it in the clients water bottle, after I said I wasn't interested. I felt like a naughty little girl that refused to take her medicine. Mom was surely in the room.

I would like to quit, but my goal was to stay at least for the eight weeks or longer, and get better interpersonal skills under the guidance of a professional, and I don't know what to do now. I have issues with commitment. In the past, I have met many people, and become friends, and then I walk, run away, from the relationships. I would always feel inadequate. My therapist says it is not the fear of losing the relationships, it"s the fear of losing the good feelings that the relationships bring. I don't trust enough, that the feelings or the relationship will be there down the road, so I do stuff to sabotage. The same things I've tried to dowith my therapy - attachment issues.

Also, plugging into our "higher power" was mentioned, and that set me off even more.- previous religious suffocation. I respect all people for their beliefs, including religion, and homeopathy, and I just don't feel it's appropriate in this context.

Is it fair to the group if I do not follow through with my commitment? Do I learn to tolerate the distress, and work it out in individual? Do I bring it up in group? I often feel like a naysayer - even here on PC. I want to remain true to myself, and not feel pressured to conform to this therapist leanings.

What to do?

what has your t said about this group? and has group t said you need to try something or can't stay? can you tell her why you aren't there and also why you aren't? that's great you are wanting to try this but not good you are feeling pressured by group t regarding her tinctures

That doesn't sound fair. If you didn't sign up for a homeopathy group, you should be under no pressure to try it.

FANTASY DIALOG:
You: Is this a homeopathy group?
Facilitator: Um ... no.
You: I would be more comfortable if you didn't dispense homeopathy during group time.

I don't think it's right that the group T should be dispensing homeopathic remedies during the group unless it was specified in its description. It seems strange to me, almost like a conflict of interests. You aren't doing anything wrong by refusing them, either. I think you have a valid reason to quit the group. Is there another group you could attend instead?

My therapist said it would be okay to leave for false advertising if I want, but I just don't know, because she did tell me at the interview. I just wasn't expecting it to happen in group. And, the religion part was never mentioned. The group t hasn't said anything about leaving, because I let her know in the interview I wasn't interested, but she continues to ask. It's the feeling of being different that has me uncomfortable. It goes back to a childhood of wanting to fit in or to please others. Many times I could not agree with parents which was not allowed, and then I would feel bad afterward, decades after. I use to be more sure of my decisions with others, and now that I am getting FOO stuff together, I am questioning what use to be a little more solid.

I have a science, and math background, so I always want to see the data, not the anecdotal stuff.

I hope this answers your question, tigergirl. Thanks for responding.

Does this therapist also try to sell the group members these tinctures? It sounds kind of iffy to me, especially how she put the tincture in the group member's water buttle. I just wonder if she is making some money from selling this stuff.

Yes. The group is not your cup of tea. You didn't know how it would be. There should have been better disclosure about the important role the homeopathy would play. Do what is best for you. The "higher power" talk sounds like AA or NA. Is it a recovery group?

CE, that is exactly what I want to say. I may need to finesse it a little bit, though I dont want to. I'm afraid to hurt anger the therapist or the group. In the past, I have had a hard time dealing with other people's anger. I have not angered any one since starting therapy, except for a grumpy Kingager.

some of my best friends are into homeopathy - hey, that's fine with me if they want to believe that crazy ****, but they better not try to force it on me. some people have bad boundaries - this helps you define yours as good and strong. I think my friends are surprised that I don't try to change their minds to my beliefs, and then I don't follow THEIR beliefs! There is a third option, ya know - peaceful coexistence. They really want me to admit I think they're "wrong" - they don't seem to understand the concept of, it can be fine for you but not for me. That, or they're just running their Amway training on me, which REALLY makes me mad and makes me question our r/s.

Good question. I honestly don't know. I will ask on Tuesday.

No, it is not a recovery group. It's a private practice therapy group. Groups, other than recovery groups are hard to come by in our city.

Rainbow8, groups just don't exist in our city. I tried a group this summer, and was triggered when the therapist gave the "correct" way to spank a child - I can still see her hand in the air. I and my therapist may need to search again, and wait patiently until something is found.

Hankster, some of my best friends are into homeopathy, and they do suggest it often enough, but I have always politely declined, and don't necessarily feel pressured. My mom os always offering up herb teas to cure whatever she thinks may ail's one (I need the tea, because I'm the crazy one) - I never indulged. Also, I've never had a hard time saying no to a therapist before. I always said no to be ornery, because of mother- transference. I wonder if this is practice for, or if I see mommy over the holidays?

I've never been able to coexist with my mom, but maybe if I can coexist in this group peacefully...

I'd imagine that bringing this up in group T would be a wonderful exercise. I participate in a gestalt group, and it's all about how you're feeling in the moment....so sharing your angst is encouraged and expected. It's an opportunity, for sure.

And, topic aside, becoming aware of your feelings and how you choose to address them is important for you.

Thanks mue, I agree with you about Gestault groups. This is not one. It's just an ordinary interpersonal support group. I'm hoping to find, and eventually get into a Gestault group. There are several for therapist in my area, and one that has no openings for non practitioners.


I may just go ahead, and bring it up. Thanks mue.

I went through something similar. I think my T did not think it was the greatest decision on my part to seek out a group, but he supported me in processing it.

I lived in a community overflowing with Ts. Seems like every Dr or prof's wife pursued an MA in Counseling and hung out a shingle. This was a survivors' group.

It took me a long time to see the dysfunctional patterns in the group, culminating in the T lying and sacrificing me to the group's anger rather than fess up and take responsibility for her actions. It was so bad that she then abandoned the group (and some of the women were very dependent and the group was their only therapy). Of course, some blamed me for "making her leave." I don't think so. Another T took it over, and she was nice enough, but I didn't feel she was experienced enough to handle what was now an extremely unstable group. I got out.

I tell you this because I see red flags here. It isn't about whether or not homeopathy is credible (the science seems more than a little whacked to me, but I have had good results with a couple of remedies), but rather the T's inserting it into therapy as a one size fits all approach. And doing this during group time and appearing oblivious to how this casts you in the role of outsider from the get-go.

I understand you're not wanting to repeat any of your patterns by leaving; at the same time, sometimes it really isn't us that is the problem! I'd hate to see you devote time in therapy that could be productive for you to dealing with the fall-out from an inherently non-functional group.

Thank you feralkittymom for sharing your experience, and the warning. My therapist also feels I don't need group. I started looking for a group as soon as I started to feel an attachment. She feels I was looking for the wrong reason, "I'm too much for her."

I suspect if I leave, protocol requires me to go to one more group for closure.

Probably so. But maybe not as you've only just started it. I did that for 3 meetings, but I'd been in the group for 1 1/2 years. It wasn't pleasant, but it was a good experience in neutral acceptance, and so I could leave feeling I'd handled it well.

You do not have to bound by protocol unless you want to go back one more time.

First of all I should say that I am really into alternative treatments, and I have tried all kinds of massage, acupuncture, cranial-sacral therapy, homeopathy, and herbal remedies. The cranial-sacral therapy didn't do much for me, but I (and I've also used homeopathy on my dog) have had good results from all of them at different times. Sometimes these things have helped me where medical has failed, other times I have tried them first before medical intervention.

If you are talking tinctures, you're not talking homeopathy, you are talking an herbal extract/herbal remedy. Homeopathic remedies are in pill form, usually tiny pills, and the pills reflect the tiny amount of active ingredient that is thought to kick start your immune system and eliminate the symptoms you are having. An herbal remedy works just like medicine in terms of its effect on the body, it's just that the extract is made from plants (although as I understand some prescribed medication has plant sources too).

So what you're talking about is an herbal remedy involved in the T practitioner story, not a homeopathic one. The way you tell the story, though, and I could have gotten it wrong, you seem to object to the fact that you were asked to try it. You said no. I don't see that she "pushed" it farther, so my attitude would be what's the problem with someone asking you if you wanted to try something? That's just something that happens in T, group or not. T asks, would you like to try . . . beating a pillow with your fists, doing some deep breathing . . . . trying a body scan . . . pretending your abuser is in this empty chair . . . . etc. As long as the question isn't would you like to try doing my laundry or would you like to try having sex with me, I don't really get the problem with being asked to try something.

It seems you're a little panicked from your thread title, like you're afraid you're going to be beaten down into trying the herbal thing and you don't want to "cave." That seems a bit of an extreme reaction to me, as people who are comfortable saying no don't worry about this. I don't really understand why you would assume that this is going to be a problem in the future, even if you are asked again if you want to try it, I don't see where it's being forced or coerced or where you're being made out to be the baby who can't handle it or are otherwise being groupthinked into it. I don't know why you just can't say no if you are asked again, and maybe it would be an opportunity for you to confront something (difficulty saying no) in a very direct way. Maybe this is something you need to experience rather than something to run away from. As I think you realize by your reaction "naughty little girl", you are bringing something into this situation from the past that just isn't there now. Say no and move on; I don't see why the situation calls for more than that, unless you're looking for a reason to leave the group-- which is a perfectly legitimate thing to do. You don't have to do it if you don't want to, but I think you'd get more out of it if you left in a mindful and reflective way rather than out of a historical reactive way.

Groups are hard. There is always going to be something like this that makes you uncomfortable, different, out of step, "non compliant", or whatever. That's just the nature of group therapy and it's pretty much the nature of being part of a group in the real world, at work, socially, in the community. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable was a very valuable thing for me to learn, and I did a group T for about 9 months, then a bunch of years in a self help group.

The "higher power" thing would bug me but again, I think there is a solution that works for the nonreligious. I am not religious at all, but someone taught me years ago that many people think of the "higher power" as the "best self" (completely internal) or as something secular that inspires awe in you (for me, "nature" with the imagery of beautiful oceans, mountains, lakes, forests, etc). So when I hear higher power, that encourages me to call on the part of myself that is (as my T puts it) "how you came, not how you got" and it encourages me to use the positive powers of the universe and nature for inspiration. It doesn't have to be a religious thing.

I guess my feeling is that there is something that drew you to seeking therapy with a group, and that is probably a great instinct. Maybe this group isn't the right one for you, and I'm not trying to tell you that you should do it. But I also think that choosing something that stretches outside your comfort zone in a way that's still basically okay can be a really good thing. It can kickstart change and it can open up possibilities to confront issues you need to resolve in ways that individual T cannot.

Hi Anne2.0, thank you for your response. Yes, you're right about my feelings being extreme, and so far I haven't reacted. I'm in therapy, because of these feelings, and progressing quickly. Unfortunately, it's not a linear process. In childhood I wasn't aloud to say no, it was a sign of disrespect. Oh, as a kid I was forced to say no if we were visiting and we were offered a slice of juicy, homemade pie, or mouth watering chocolate cake. Yes, I unhappily squeaked out, "No, thank you." Childhood responses and feelings transposed into adulthood. I did not feel listened to as a child, by others or myself, and am now learning these skills.

I I felt I made it clear to the therapist that I don't want to be a part of homeopathy in my interview. She chooses not to respect my decision. Only, because she is a therapist, and it involves others I feel like the uncooperative kid back in elementary school. Usually, these days I am fine with my decisions. I have friends, and a mom that offers alternative remedies all the time. I continue to politely tell them no, because what I get out of the relationships is more important to me. I'm willing to protect their feelings, and tolerate more from people I care about. If I felt this way about group i.e. I get healing out of the group, and it is worth it to put up with the things that trigger me I would stay. I just started in this group, so I'm not as invested. I gave up a private coffee klatch that I had just started going to, and felt I got more out of it. They've offered to change the day, but my plate is full. I was hoping a guided group would be more helpful.

I like your take on higher power, and will try it. Thank you.

I have group later today, so it's testing day, i.e. putting new confidences to the test in real life. I am hoping to stick it out with this group, at least for my initial commitment. Then my individual therapist will speak to her about my interpersonal skills, and We will reevaluate.

What protocol is this? Your insurance company's? I'm not sure what you mean. I believe you don't have to go back if you don't want to.

I do like MUE's suggestion about raising this issue in group--the homeopathy and maybe the higher power too. I think it would be good for the group leader to hear how uncomfortable her talk makes at least one group member. Who knows, perhaps others in the group don't like this stuff either. (I am not against a group member mentioning that they believe in a higher power, but just statements that assume everyone has a higher power--this is excluding.) I guess I would like to see this group leader put on the spot and come to see how her homeopathy schtick can be perceived. (If it were me, I would even use the word "schtick" when I raised the issue... )

The protocol is being polite by not just disappearing, and saying good-bye.

####UPDATE

I went to group, and the cat got my tongue. I called later, and told the therapist my concerns. She offered me an out, because it was not a good fit.

What I decided, is I would at least stay for the agreed amount of weeks (5 left). And, next week I will address the group and let them know that I will not be participating in the alternative therapies. Also, the topic will be open for discussion. I can live with this.

Thank you everyone.