Shame work on desiring maternal touch

This is what my T has been trying to get me to "accept"...that it's never going to be there. So, she threw me into left field by responding to my request for a long hug. You see, she was raised without much maternal touch either and she said she just had to "get over it." I wonder if she's changing her mind on that?

The T-message I find it hardest to understand or accept is "It's not good for you to get everything you want." What does that mean, anyway?

I kinda get the nuance of it, but can I put it into words? I'm not sure. I know it's unrealistic to expect to get everything we want. I know it's immature to pitch a fit when we don't get what we want. However, we will sometimes get what we want.

Does that help?

The story of King Midas?

Excellent allegory!!

sigh. this is a thread that evokes shame from me. i feel like maybe this is an issue with me, but am too scared to look at it.

i confuse myself because i am so very confused on my sexual orientation, and then am confused on if it is maternal touch i desire or is it just from a woman? no clue. there are certain people that evoke my want to be near them. literally. a few of my aunts, my boss (long story, but she has been there for me through a lot) and a couple of people throughout my life. EXCEPT i have a mother that i do NOT want to be physically close to. hugs hello and goodbye are fine, but more than that would make me feel very uncomfortable. and this weekend at my poppa's funeral, i was at his casket saying goodbye to him when my brother and dad came up to be with me. i freaked out a little and said "get away from me! i want to be alone." i think i hurt my dad's feelings i just didn't want them touching/being near me. i can't say i would react the same if oen of my aunts came up. i am not sure.

I'm sorry your family doesn't KNOW you better, to be more sensitive to you. They haven't taken the time and made the effort, is all. Seems like only our T's know us this well, not many more.

well how would they know that i wanted to be alone/didn't want their comfort? i don't let them know me. also, this is the first big loss in my family, so this was new for everyone. i knew i would rather be alone, but i didn't just announce it. i did allow my dad to put his arm around me during the final prayer even though it made me slightly uncomfortable.

Um... no.
She might be talking about expectation but I doubt it.

velcro, I think some families DO know each other. I have a girlfriend, her brother actually showed up to help her move. I showed up to help her move. She's moved a lot. I've moved a lot. She's helped me move. My brother has never helped me move. Whereas I've helped my brother move, more than once. So - where ARE people when you need them? I finally stopped blaming myself.

I also feel shame for wanting maternal touch. I am particular about touch in that I'm not comfortable with it unless you are in my 'bubble' of friendship or unless I am the one initiating it. I LIKE touch, but I don't like people touching me.

I don't have a terrible relationship with my mom.. I am gay though. I can be physically affectionate with her, but I don't actually talk to her about anything at all.

I want to throw my two cents in here.

A person can be entirely straight and still have an overwhelming desire for maternal touch/soothing/comfort. I have this deep need, due to emotional and physical deprivation of it in childhood. Yet I am definitely not gay.

In some cases, if a person is gay, I can see how a desire for comfort from a t "could" become se*ualized. But it may not either. And a straight person can badly want mothering nurture too.

How does one identify the need for touch as being a need for maternal touch? I had never made that connection with my own wishes for human touch. It had never crossed my mind. I know my mother never hugged or touched me in any way that I have a memory of so you would think that desire would loom large for me. But not. Not that I can recognize anyway.

I was so pleased so see this thread as I struggle with this big time and the feelings of shame I have around it are huge. I wasn't hugged as a child. My parents once said it would have been child abuse to touch me as I didn't like it. Maybe one day I will tell them what actually was abuse. Anyway my t is happy to hug, hold hands, do body work, but the feelings of shame I have are huge and I am spending a lot of time sitting with the longing and the shame at the same time. I don't think I am bisexual and have spent quite a bit of time trying to double check that it isn't a sexual thing. I am gradually coming to the conclusion that it is a substitute for the maternal touch I have never had.
My t says that if I let myself receive some of the touch I need that eventually the cravings will lesson, but I always feel that it could leave me longing for more and more that cannot be met. Unfortunately I am single with friends that shy away from touch as well so I can't get the need met there.
The feelings are so complicated I was so relieved that several of us are struggling with the same emotions around this. It somehow makes it less scary

I write this as I sit across from my wonderful mother, and she can not touch me., She cannot hug me. At Xmas I longed to be touched by her, and other immediate family members - no go. I came back here a month ago hoping it might be different, because I could now speak to her, and my dad about what I needed. Mom tried, dad tried to coach mom, and she just couldn't wrap her arms around me. Dad does a bit better. The difference for me, is I want it, yet I know don't need it from them. Why? I do not have a partner so, my therapist provided all of that for me. I am filled up. That attachment that she freely allowed within her boundaries have filled me up enough to not keep hitting my head against a brick wall trying to get what I rightly deserved as a baby/kid from them, and what they can't give me now. I can't change them, yet I finally feel continuously good in their presence. Why? Again, it was the physical touch, the maternal touch that I needed, and that my therapist provided.

My third week here I sent this email, "I love you. I wish I had someone to hold me." She responded, "Love you too. You do have someone to hold you - just not there in person. So draw on that and see if you can hold yourself. I could, and I did."

Before therapy - I Hated Touch. I could not tolerate it, except from children, and even that was iffy for me. Now, I can handle it. I pass it on. My friends, and extended family says I give the best hugs. Isn't that what it's all about? Also, when I give hugs I get a heart warming emotional return. I can take it in - progress.

Love this goingtogetthere. I'm same as you were, wanting that maternal touch but unable to tolerate it. I'm glad your therapist has met that need for you.