[onlytime]

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to post this, but I hope it's not too out-of-line. I know this is really weird, and I feel awful I feel this way, but lately I've been really missing the hospital. I've been hospitalized multiple times over the past few years. Most of them have been short, but I was at one place for 6 months. While being in the hospital isn't fun, per se, I do really miss the comfort and security. I miss having someone else take care of me, of not having to worry about hurting myself because staff are there to make sure I don't. I'm kind of in a weird place emotionally and behaviorally - I have passive suicidal thoughts, I'm self-harming and the depression is hitting me hard, but I'm not an immediate threat to myself (i.e. don't have a plan or means to kill myself). So I don't need to be in the hospital, but I WANT to be there. I hate that I feel this way - who in their right mind would want to be in a restrictive environment?!

I want to talk to my T about this but I'm afraid that if I ever do NEED to be in the hospital, she wouldn't believe me because she would know that I tend to like being in the hospital

Sorry for rambling...I hope that made at least some sense!

Doesn't sound odd to me at all. Having been in the hospital myself a few times, I completely understand what you are saying. The hospital is that place where you have no responsibilities, you can just deal with yourself. I get that. There's even a comfort in the restrictions in that you know what is expected of you, you know the set schedule and routine, etc. One of the reasons FOR all of those restrictions and the routine is so that patients can simply rest mentally and physically in a way that just isn't possible in the outside world.

The hospital always said it can take around 4 months to recover from a hospitalization episode, and part of that is readjusting to real life and reintegrating into the real world again, even if the stay was fairly brief. They spent much time working with us on that transition and warning us that it can be a struggle. That is one reason that they encourage intensive outpatient programs after discharge; it allows for that structured routine for a few weeks while still also living a life outside the hospital walls.

Try to have some patience with yourself. Don't take on too much too early. Does your hospital have some sort of outpatient program where you can have that structure while you get accustomed to life again? You might ask your doctor about that as an option for transition.

[granite1]

hey onlytime it sure does feel like a strange place to be in. but i bet it is kind of familliar to your T.i remember when i was finely out in the real world after years in an institution it was hard .thank god i had some very special people that helped me to learn to live . it is very comforting to be taken care of all decisions taken out of your hands. it isn't a party but neither is the responcibility that comes with living day to day life and responcibilies. it is just hard.has your T or hospital put anything in place to help that transition.
i would definately talk to your T about this .i can be sure it isnt the first time your T has herd this. they are trained to know the differance about when someone truely needs to be in the hospital . i think you even having such insight into this is awsome and a huge step towards becoming healthy

[onlytime]

Thanks for the support, farmergirl and granite1.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way and that it's not completely weird - that's definitely a relief!

The hospital always said it can take around 4 months to recover from a hospitalization episode, and part of that is readjusting to real life and reintegrating into the real world again, even if the stay was fairly brief.

I wish I knew that when I was discharged from my long IP stay.
I've actually been out of the hospital for almost a year, so I don't know why I still miss it so much. It's definitely better than it was, but I think I've been feeling more vulnerable lately, and just want to feel safe.

i would definately talk to your T about this .i can be sure it isnt the first time your T has herd this. they are trained to know the differance about when someone truely needs to be in the hospital . i think you even having such insight into this is awsome and a huge step towards becoming healthy

I hope you're right! I guess I'm just afraid of becoming the "boy who cried wolf". I'm going to try to talk to her the next time I see her, but that won't be until after Thanksgiving

Thanks again for the replies - they were so validating

My T and pdoc were completely aware of my feelings about the hospital, considered them very normal, and never gave me any reason to feel like I was "crying wolf" at any point. It can be really helpful to discuss this with your therapist so she can help you sort through what is a true crisis and what is a need for a feeling of safety. It is okay to just want to feel safe, and talking about it will actually help you feel that safety whereas keeping it to yourself will increase your anxiety.

[granite1]

you know if you are feeling vulnerable it doesn't mean it is because you want to go back to hospital.in fact it could be many other reasons,like stuff you may be working on in T. if you are feeling bad or out of control it isn't strange at all to want to be in hospital. if you want to be in hosp because life is so hard out of hosp then i would say talk to T . you may just need help with life skills and things like that. how to manage stress and responsibility

[autotelica]

I know I would truly hate being a hospital. Not being able to go on my walks or having privacy or doing my artwork would be awful. Or even being able to cut my own hair. Even in my darkest moments, I have been able to hold on to these things. I just can't imagine life without them.

But there's a part of me that wants to be taken "out of the system" for awhile, and for the most selfish reason. I'm tired of trying to fit in and reign in the eccentricities all the time. Like, I want to be able to tic without being embarrassed. I want to be able to allow my brain to run off the rails without someone whispering to me "Did you take your medicine?" I want the freedom to be wild without facing a lot of consequences. Consequences keep me feeling pinned in and unnatural all the time.

Originally Posted by autotelica

But there's a part of me that wants to be taken "out of the system" for awhile, and for the most selfish reason.

That's very much it. I remember one time my pdoc specifically told me he would be having me take a certain med regularly for the first few days in the hospital because what I needed most at that moment was to sleep and have my brain shut down for a few days. I needed the rest; I needed to be taken "out of the system" long enough to recoup some energy and ability to cope. That IS a legitimate need for many who enter the hospital and is why most sleep A LOT for their first few days inpatient. Their system just needs to shut down before it can reboot, and that just isn't something most people have the ability to do on the "outside".

[DelusionsDaily]

Thats not odd to me I feel that way sometimes too. Especially when things are tough and it would be easier to have no responsibilities for myself or anything else.It's really easy to get comfortable there,at the hospital. I know I have done it before. In and out, in and out, because I couldn't handle life. It's not easy to face things sometimes and the hospital is an easy escape.If that makes any sense.

[onlytime]

My T and pdoc were completely aware of my feelings about the hospital, considered them very normal, and never gave me any reason to feel like I was "crying wolf" at any point.

Knowing this helps, that other T and pdocs can understand. I hope mine will understand too!

you know if you are feeling vulnerable it doesn't mean it is because you want to go back to hospital.in fact it could be many other reasons,like stuff you may be working on in T. if you are feeling bad or out of control it isn't strange at all to want to be in hospital.

That's a good point. Thanks for pointing out that my feelings/thoughts are not completely out of the blue.

But there's a part of me that wants to be taken "out of the system" for awhile

Their system just needs to shut down before it can reboot, and that just isn't something most people have the ability to do on the "outside".

I could definitely use a reboot- to get out of my self-destructive cycles. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way!

[onlytime]

It's not easy to face things sometimes and the hospital is an easy escape

Exactly! It's definitely an escape for me too. I wish I didn't have to resort to hospitalization for the safety/escape though! I wonder what "normal" people do when they need a break from life.

[autotelica]

They go on vacation.

They know how to turn off aspects of their life long enough to recharge through other means, healthy means. They also don't get quite as overwhelmed to the depth and breadth that those of us with complicating mental health issues do. I know my unhealthy thinking patterns magnify what is going on and allow things to get out of control, whereas a healthier individual is more able to handle issues as they come individually instead of having them pile on each other and become a huge mountain to climb. I'm getting better at managing life as it hits me and managing my thinking mor rationally than I used to rather than things getting out of hand, but it is something I have to work at every day. That kind of skill just comes more instinctively and naturally to some people.

[adel34]

Onlytime,
If you felt secure and safe in the hospital, then I think it's understandable that you'd want to be there. This isn't everyone's experience, but I can see where you're coming from. I'd discuss it with t anyway, and I'm sure she'd understand.
Also, I'm so glad you had such a positive experience in the hospital! I've heard so many awful stories, I'm so glad you were at a place that was truly helpful.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by autotelica

They go on vacation.

i was just going to say this

At one time, I felt the hospital was a refuge from life, too. Now, I cannot stand them.

Your need to go there will probably fade if you can find something to replace it with. I cannot suggest anything specific, since we are all different.