[Abby]

I feel awful. I am trying to remember all feelings are temporary and that these feelings are illogical. But it is overwhelming and even though I must be slightly detached as I can see myself spirraling and a part of me is yelling at myself to get perspective...i can't hear it and I feel impulsive and this desperate need to change things or run away from the horrid feelings by hurting myself. Writing that seems really stupid but it does seem pretty logical in my head too. It is hard to describe. I feel ashamed for feeling all this so I cant talk to anyone, I thought about emailing my therapist but as much as I want her to know there isno pi oint in her knowing. I am embarrassed that I feel overwhelmed by really nothing at all. I feel trapped on my own. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel but I want to not be alone it hence writing here...although I am ashamed about that too. I dont even know what I am ashamed of or if it is shame I am feeling or something else entirely. I may want to hurt myself just to keep others out and maybe that is why I cant talk either...maybe it is more that a part of me won't! How do I deal with this when everything is distorted? All I know big is that I hate myself but I have no reason too. I should stop trying to explain. Sorry I have no one to talk to and I need to get it out. It is horrid having a therapist but not knowing what to bother her with! I want her to know but I also dont want her to know. Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy!

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know exactly what your saying. But it may help if you emailed your T. There's something about doing that that helps me become unstuck. That's if you have a good experience of your T being able to help through email.

Writing here is a good option too. ((Abby))

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I am embarrassed that I feel overwhelmed by really nothing at all.

Maybe you were triggered?

[adel34]

Hi Abby,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know what it's like to be overwhelmed and yet judge myself for feeling this way. It's such a struggle!
I would e-mail your t. Just getting this all out to her might give you some relief, and even if she doesn't respond by e-mail, you'll have your concerns written out so that you can maybe talk about it next session.

[Abby]

Thanks for the support. I want to email and it may help to tell someone I know in real life as I always feel so lonely...but I dont know what to say. If I dont have good coherent thoughts I tend to give up because I have no idea what I am attempting to communicate. I know something triggered me but I dont know what or why and that is hard sometimes. Makes me feel even more lonely...i appreciate you all hearing me and understanding.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Abby

It is horrid having a therapist but not knowing what to bother her with! I want her to know but I also dont want her to know. Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy!

i am sry that you feel this way. i can totally relate and my heart goes out to you.

i think that this is something that you should tell your therapist. if she knew that you get into these spirals, she may be able to spend some time with you working on coping mechanisms and ways to self soothe. I deal with this as well, and my t and I hav been working on ways to break the spiral. its tough, i know. i know that sometimes, it feels easier to just hide things like this from t, but she is a resource and I think she will be more than happy, not to say relieved, that you were able to come to her with this. it is her job to help you, and i think you may find her more helpful than you may hav thought. best of luck!

[WikidPissah]

(((abby))) It's so hard to let a therapist in while not letting them in. It's like trying to keep a door locked when you have to open it every few minutes. I know, I am queen of the "keep it to myself" camp. I haven't even told this trauma specialist I see that I am having major health problems. I got an awful dx a month ago and still have not told her. It isn't that I am keeping it from her, it just hasn't "come up". Weird, right?

[Abby]

yes I understand that - "it just hasnt come up". I do try my hardest to be honest and I m open to talk about anything, even all my flaws that seem to like to keep presenting themselves over and over in therapy! But it is difficult to put words to something that is pure feeling plus I would rather someone else rather than me bring it up. I guess it is a work in progress. I'm not unwilling to talk or secretive...just reluctant to think anyone cares. I tend to need a lot of encouragement...well it is really that I need constant updates during the conversation I am not being 'too much'.

I am finding the constant intrusive thoughts exhausting. I tend to try and ignore them and see them just as thoughts nothing more but they do get tiring. My therapist is really open to talking about self harm which is great and I do talk about it but I get embarrassed that she may think I am being over-dramatic about it all. I try not to make it into much in my head as thoughts are thoughts...but it is a bit upsetting.

I think I may write something down for my therapist about today. I need a way out of the huge self hate I am overwhelmed with sometimes...thank you all so much for caring and offering me somewhere I can splurge out all the horridness I feel inside. It really helped. I need someone to know sometimes. I will try to talk to my therapist next week.

[Sannah]

I would suggest trying to figure out where the feelings are coming from. This has been the way that I have figured myself out.