[~EnlightenMe~]

I am a failure at work. I cant do the most mundane tasks. My behavior is not like me. Someone there was a ***** about my odd behavior. I told T I was having major dificulties at work. I am so afraid but I dont matter. How do I tell people that something is wrong with me, that my brain is to ceasing to function and that it is alarming and not have them thnk it is bec. I am crazy? I am a new kind of crazy, as in I remember doing something odd for my behavior which I was unaware that I was breaking this social skill. I feel ridiculed every freaking day and I have NO control over being incompetent. I cant remind myself to do better, it doesn't help. I ****ing hate people at work. I hate being on called on everything I do wrong, I hate myzelf. I need a brain scan or something. Sometbing has changed. HELP ME PLEASE!

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Antimatter )))

I'm so sorry you're struggling. It must feel awful to feel so overwhelmed and out of control. Is it possible for you to take some time off from work? Maybe even some short term disability?

(( HUGS ))

[likelife]

The short term disability idea isn't a bad one. When I was really struggling a couple of years ago, my pdoc suggested reducing my work hours, which really helped.

I'm sorry you've been struggling so much.

[Nightlight]

I'm sorry you're going through that too. I also hate being judged like that at work. I worked in an environment for a while where you got called out on every teeny tiny mistake made, and it does get really draining.

I think sometimes you have to try and stand back from the situation and see whether the things you are doing are that bad or if your colleagues are being unfair. I always need my therapists help with things like that.

I relate to the feeling of something changing too. I left school early without qualifications and when I finally decided to return to study I was really surprised that I was able to get really decent grades. It's been the only thing I can do sort of well, even though I don't think it's much about natural talent, just effort. I'm not convinced if that will get me through the entire degree without any natural ability though. Now, I can't even keep up with the only thing I was doing okay at. I can barely look at my textbooks. When I try, my brain shuts down completely. I can't take anything in. I'm setting myself up for failure, I know, and I'll probably end up feeling worse about myself when I do fail. I do know how it feels to really want to change something, but be unable to. I keep trying to force myself to study. I get through about 10 words at a time, before I can't take in any more. I feel pretty useless at the moment too.

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I am a failure at work. I cant do the most mundane tasks. My behavior is not like me. Someone there was a ***** about my odd behavior. I told T I was having major dificulties at work. I am so afraid but I dont matter. How do I tell people that something is wrong with me, that my brain is to ceasing to function and that it is alarming and not have them thnk it is bec. I am crazy? I am a new kind of crazy, as in I remember doing something odd for my behavior which I was unaware that I was breaking this social skill. I feel ridiculed every freaking day and I have NO control over being incompetent. I cant remind myself to do better, it doesn't help. I ****ing hate people at work. I hate being on called on everything I do wrong, I hate myzelf. I need a brain scan or something. Sometbing has changed. HELP ME PLEASE!

Anti, I won't argue with your assessment of how you're doing because I don't actually know, but I just want to say that it's very possible you're not doing as badly as you think you are. I say this as someone who tends to demand way too much from herself, so I can often feel like I'm failing even if I am failing at a set of tasks that is way above what's necessary or sufficient. I do get it though -- I fell behind at work in September, and my record of everything I did that month looks like a barren wasteland.

Do you have any allies at work? Anyone you can trust, just to tell them that you're going through some personal stuff right now that you don't want to disclose, but really need some understanding on? Sometimes just knowing that someone else knows why you're having a hard time, and that it's NOT because you suck or are incompetent but rather are really struggling emotionally at the moment.

I actually ended up telling MY BOSS about my recent semi-termination (yes, semi, we are kind of talking again, at least trying to sort through things even if it results in full termination), which is something I never in a million years thought I would do. However, my boss is actually a psychiatrist, so for one, he doesn't have that negative and biased attitude that some people have toward therapy/depression/meds that others with less empathy or relevant knowledge do. Secondly, he was the one who noticed that something was wrong. When he asked, I talked about other things that were going on in my life but I knew he wasn't buying it -- I've seen enough shrinks to know when I'm not leaving a room until I say what's really going on -- so I just told him. And he's been very supportive and kind, and has never ever used it against me -- nor did he lower his expectations or take it easier on me, which I would almost have disliked more!

I do realize that that is a really exceptional case, but sometimes you really can be surprised by who shows support and how much. If you don't have that person, is there a candidate for "work buddy" with whom you might direct a little energy into cultivating a got-your-back relationship?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Someone there was a ***** about my odd behavior.

and not have them thnk it is bec. I am crazy?

I feel ridiculed every freaking day

I ****ing hate people at work.

I hate being on called on everything I do wrong

It seems that you are focused on other's reactions to you? That what is really bothering you is how you are seen? If this is true, it does add a whole new layer of difficulty. It adds this new layer of super self consciousness which makes things more difficult I think. So if all of this is true, working on your concern about how you are seen by others might be fruitful.

[struggling2]

sorry you are struggling antimatter

i agree with what Sannah said above. and also the idea of maybe taking a little time off...even just a few days maybe to try and decompress a little bit...maybe get an extra appt with your T in there?

hang in there!

[Wren_]

((((((anti))))))

[~EnlightenMe~]

Thanks for everyones replies! I am truly having a hard time, I am also worried how others see me. I know myself, and that I am unable to focus enough to complete one thing, seriously. I just can't. I have never been like this. Of course, since one lady told me how much I screwed up, and i felt so humiliated and felt so much shame that I just can't meet expectations. And the expectations aren't rocket science, they are easy, if you can remember what someone said five minutes ago and/or focus for two seconds. I went to work today, and it wasn't as stressful, although I screwed up the same amount. I just don't care anymore. I was doing more, but now people don't want me to do anything because I screw it up. I don't want to not hold my weight, but I just can't do it right now. If I try to do something, I spend an inordinate amount of time making sure it is right, and I keep having to go back and do it again.

Even though work was less stressful, my brain hurts. My brain is throbbing and I sometimes feel dizzy for a shortwhile. I'm not sure that it is all emotional, it might be related to my abnormal blood test. WHo knows?

Yes, I actually do have a person at work who I can talk with. Luckily, I helped her when she was having a hard time. I know I can count on her, I just have to fill her in, I guess. Good suggestion, reminder

Mue, Lifelike - thanks! -
I have taken some days off, too many in fact. I can't afford to go out on disabililty, I just wish I could at least physically fell better

Sannah--
I am focused on others' reactions, because I am afraid of feeling ashamed or being shamed. Also, I haven't built my 'self' yet. I am focusing on the shame aspect in therapy now.

Sally, I am so happy for you about your therapist. I hope that all will go well, and that you get to resolve things with your therapist, whether or not you will still work with him. That must be a relief.

((nightlight)) == Yes, draining is the right word. I guess we not alone in our feelings of uselessnessWe'll have to talk more about you having difficulty reading, etc. Take care

Thank you, struggling2No thanks on the extra appt. with T, lol. Last Wed. I sat there most of the time feeling shame, because it was triggered when i almost dropped my drink and it startled me and this was all while my therapist was sitting in front of me watching. (the drink had a cap on it). I was embarrassed, and majorly reacted, I wanted to hide, I wanted to run, but didn't. I just sat with radiating shame, and wanting desperately to hide. I think I'll see him next Wed.

Finally, the weekend. I have a major headache that is like none I have had before. My temples hurt. I just want to be normal.

[Miswimmy1]

Awww... Eat. Sleep. Try and make routine and stick to it. The time might pass quicker... Feel free to PM me if u want!

[MissCharlotte]

I would tell you not to worry but I am invisible right now.

Ah well, don't worry friend. This too shall pass. When you are home and relaxed plan something really awesome for work and write down the directions. Execute them the next day.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I can see you. I am glad you are psting again.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Antimatter )))

About the drink incident at T's office....did you talk to T about your feelings of shame? I'd imagine that bottling in those feelings would result in feeling so awful. And perhaps there's some connection there to what's occurring at work. Feeling shameful and internalizing it. Just something to consider.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I definitely talked to T about the shame, it was a brilliantly agonizing session. I sat there feeling the intense shame with no defenses. T really helped me through it. It started to dissipate as I sat there with it, and as T talked me through it. It increased before I left. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, only to go to work and feel ashamed because I feel incompetent. Only to have someone ridicule me while looking like a total idiot. How do I live with constant failure? I 'm not going to make it. I started feeling anxiety this morning about Monday. I slept all day.