I need some advice. Badly.

Hi all.

I really need some advice. How do you mend a closet dysfunctional family?
As a bit of background, I'm from a chinese immigrant family who has settled into the UK. My parents ran a chinese takeaway for most of their lives raising my brother and me up.

All my life (I'm now 24) I never questioned anything surrounding my family. The family was like a deity that I didn't dare touch. I had my falling outs and everything from time to time, but I accepted things as normal - why wouldn't they be?

But now, after a transition into my dream career path and an awakening of sorts, I find myself the only one within my family who can honestly do ANYTHING to save it from spiralling into oblivion.

My dad suffers from gambling addiction, and my mother is a "martyr" in inverted commas. My brother has pretty much distanced himself from us, although he opens up to me a lot more than my parents (we're living under the same roof at the moment).

A week ago, my mother threatened for the nth time to divorce my father. She called me for the nth time after the episode. I gave her my advice, which, albeit cold and clinical, was my honest attempt at helping.

My advice? Just break up.

But talking has not helped. My mother puts up her shields and tries to belittle me, while my father scurries off into his hole. It got to the point when I, who has never turned for help outside of the family, dialled up a family advice helpline and gushed down the phone.

So yeah, my parents are pretty much destroying themselves, and it's taking a toll on me.

Sure I could walk away and deny responsibility. But deep down, a part of me still loves and cares about my parents, and I want them to at least be happy within themselves.

It eats away at me. On one hand, I'm on the path to happiness with my own life, and on the other, behind me, there is chaos.

I think a psychiatrist or psychologists who goes deeper than putting labels on people and things is what my family desperately needs.

What should I do?

Live YOUR life

YOU can't mend others. You can only heal yourself. Al anon is a good place to learn how others have come to accept this. I wish you well. YOu are in a difficult place, but you can have peace for yourself if you allow it to come into your life. I work on this one day at a time.

The sad reality, I believe, is that you cannot control your parents' relationship. You can extend your loving concern to each of your parents, but I think you're going to have to set some boundaries with your Mother regarding her venting to you about your Father. This will also save you from being belittled. You will have to be quite firm, but not angry. Try to stick with "I" statements, rather than attack her behaviors--"I cannot allow myself to be put in the middle of your relationship with my Father" rather than "You always put me in the middle of your fights and then attack me."

Let her know repeatedly, if necessary, that you will not discuss, nor be the recipient of, her marriage issues. Make an offer to talk with her about whatever other issue you'd like and express your caring of her. If she refuses, tell her you're going to have to hang up now. And do it.

The goal is to preserve your individual relationship with each parent, but not be dragged into their marriage problems.

You may want to seek some support just for yourself in coming to terms with all of this--but don't expect to fix them.

It's a painful predicament that you're in....witnessing destruction and feeling powerless. Unfortunately, as others have said, setting boundaries and enforcing them is a healthy step for you. It's a difficult dilemma, though, because you do love them - and by setting boundaries that were never there before, they can typically be met with resistance and an increase in the attempt to bring you back to where you were. It takes strength and commitment on your part to maintain the boundaries until they are able to adjust, if they're willing.

I remember when I went through this, it was so incredibly painful as the guilt and sadness - and the love and fear - all crept in. It would have been easy to give in to them...but holding my ground was so much more difficult. I would have deep, intense pangs of desperate guilt and sadness - but I kept the boundaries in spite of how I was feeling....knowing that the end result would be healthier for me. Eventually, things improved - not with those people, but with me. I was able to grow closer to the people who were able to evolve with me...and kept my contact limited with boundaries in place with those who were unable or unwilling to evolve with me. I am still able to love them without being their doormat.

I have struggled with this issue myself. It's not easy at all. Especially when the role of "vessel" has been put upon you.

I was the vessel for all my mother and father's problem. The irony!

It's not your part play if you choose not to. And you do have a choice.

You could try to get them help, but, if experience has taught me anything, it will be of little benefit - unless they seek it out for themselves.

You could try to encourage that, but letting go of the outcome of their choices was the best thing I ever did.

My advice - get help for yourself.

Megane otoko,

I was struck by what you wrote, because like you, I find myself in the position of possibly being the one to "fix" my family's problems. I am first generation American, but my mother's is a family of Chinese immigrants and I have seen a lot of similar patterns among your family, my family, and other families that are recently out of China. There are some very strong cultural influences -- which may or may not apply (caveat 1) and are definitely not excuses for bad behavior (caveat 2). So take everything I say with massive grains of salt... however, spoiler alert: ultimately, I think that others here are correct to say that your top priority now should be self-care.

I'll note also that it's not just my potentially similar cultural experiences with patterns, but also the fact that you highlighted your cultural heritage without really needing to do so, that makes me think that you also might think that it's relevant.

The first pattern is the very strict elder-child hierarchy. Not just in terms of showing respect (something East Asian families seem to have on lockdown), but also who ends up shouldering the family's emotional burdens. Somewhat related, the second is that confrontation is to be avoided at all costs, and any compassionate intervention is labeled "interfering", and any unsavory information is kept secret, even when it flies in the face of logic to do so. Finally, there is a massive stigma associated with psychological problems or emotional needs.

The result is the passing on of emotional and psychological burdens from generation to generation, with the possibility of intervention, rehabilitation, or reconciliation as slim. Another friend of mine, who came to the US when she was 5 or so, found herself in the position of being the one to figure out what to do about her uncle, who was wrongfully deported from the States. She had no experience with immigration law (we're scientists) and not a lot of cash (at the time, we were grad students), and was a member of the youngest generation (we were 25 or so), but there she was, trying to collect money from relatives and taking out loans to see lawyers, spending all her free time reading up on the law, and perhaps most excruciating of all, extracting information from her family. You would think this would be easy, that everyone would be giving her all the info they had in order to get their family member back. But no, quite the opposite. At some point, she found out that her uncle had, for a time, lived in Argentina and had an Argentinian passport. She was upset, having already spent time and money on the case and now having to go back and update everything to reflect this fact. When she asked her family why they hadn't told her, they said that it was private, and not anyone else's business. Which sounds outrageous to an American, and was a frustration of hers that I could relate to completely.

My grandmother is also a "martyr", also engages her children inappropriately in her issues (your mom's marriage issues are NOT for her to discuss with you on a regular basis), also makes threats constantly, throws fits when not the center of attention. She even through one of these fits while the youngest of her grandchildren was in the hospital dying. My grandfather was mostly a good man, but tended to deal with family problems by refusing to speak about them and withdrawing. We have a huge, sordid family secret, which has been truly damaging to have kept a secret, and I may very well be the one to have to blow it out of the water, because again, the pain and grimness and anxiety from it has been passed to me and my brothers and cousins, because while a couple of people (my mom included) have tried hard to face it head-on, the overwhelming response has been silence.

This is all my way of saying, I have an idea of what you're up against.

The thing is, the only reason I will take any responsibility for that secret is that I see it as a way to protect my own children (I'm 29, no kids yet but that's on the table in the near future). It is for ME and my kids and my cousins' future kids, but not for anyone else. I can't fix the way the older generations deal with things. I can tell them what I think, I can suggest a therapist, but I can't actually fix it. This has been a very hard lesson for me to learn.

I think you handled your mother PERFECTLY. She's not trying to engage you in a real conversation, she's trying to get you to feel sorry for her, pay attention to her. I find the best way to deal with people who are being passive-aggressive in this way is to answer only exactly what they say, and refuse to engage in the subtext.

A mother like this has to be doing you damage, and so I think the most important thing for you to do now is to find a way to keep YOURSELF safe from damage that can be done. You seem to be suggesting family therapy, but I think in this case, individual therapy needs to happen first, for all parties involved. This destructiveness goes beyond poor communication or family habits, and seems to be deeply rooted within how your parents handle their problems.

I see your dad as being maybe more tractable than your mom. If you can see him -- privately, without your mom, and without informing your mom about it -- and maybe give him some information on how to get past his addiction, and offer to help him if (and only if) he chooses to take CONSTRUCTIVE steps toward kicking his habit, you might be able to get through to him.

But you must realize that your parents are individual adults, and are responsible for themselves. You are NOT responsible for them beyond being loyal and supportive to the extent that you are also able to keep yourself healthy. They may refuse to engage. What is most important is that during this entire time, you take care of yourself. I know you want to save them, and it's horrifying and sad to watch them self-destruct. But only they can make the choice to help themselves.

Take care of yourself

Ditto ditto ditto. If the real question is, are you going to take care of them when they are old and sick, you can do that better when the time comes if you have built your own life in the meantime. My mother also is a gambler - there is no relationship there. Don't be a fool. Sorry to be harsh.

Welcome to PC!
I'm so sorry you're going through all this right now. I can so empathize.
I had issues with my family-- alcoholic mother, father in denial, terrible arguing and drama from the time I was a teenager. I was always the peacekeeper and listener for everyone, even back then, but it wasn't til I got out of the house when going to college, and realized like you are now, how messed up things were. It was then that I really pushed therapy on my family, truly believing I was helping and that I could save them. It took several tries, the situation getting worse, and issues coming to a head in a big way about a year ago for me to realize the painful truth: I can not save them, and they don't want my help. There was a lot of greeving for me that my family may never change, and it was a difficult time. But it gave me strength to take my life into my own hands, as one of my therapists put it, and really put my energy towards taking care of myself. I moved out of the house, what I hope will be permanently, this past June.
I've taken a position that's more neutral now. I'm living my own life. I still care very much about my family but I can't be caught up in their drama. I have enough emotional issues (many of them unfortunately made worse by the environment growing up) not to take on more by trying to fix or figure out their problems. Sometimes I get the sense that things are getting better, other times I think it's just an act to maybe try and get me to move back in with them. But in any case I'm staying right here no matter what they do.
Sorry to go on and on, but your story so resonated with me.
So to summ up: My advice? If you want to try to intervine with your family and seek therapy on their behalf, then go for it. I know for me I had to try this several times before I realized it wouldn't work. People telling me it wouldn't wasn't enough. But what I learned was finally that they have to be willing to take care of their own issues, and I'm not responsible for them. And the best thing is support for myself. So find a therapist if you feel you need it, or go to a support group such as Al-anon or ACOA. Or call the helpline. Try and have things you enjoy in life, and a life outside family drama. Most importantly, take care of you.