[autotelica]

I am disappointed in something that my therapist did (or rather, didn't do). I guess on the grand scheme of Disappointing Things People Do, it scores really low. But it's not like the other kinds of disappointments I have felt with her. Like, sometimes I wish she wasn't so quick to dismiss my feelings--to be invalidating. But when she's done this, the hurt I feel is real small and I can resolve it all on my own. This time, I just don't know what to tell myself to make me forget.

I suspect people will tell me to talk to her about it. But what if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? What if I end up generating a bigger disappointment? What if I embarrass myself by letting her know I really care about her caring? I would hate to make things worse.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by autotelica

I am disappointed in something that my therapist did (or rather, didn't do). I guess on the grand scheme of Disappointing Things People Do, it scores really low. But it's not like the other kinds of disappointments I have felt with her. Like, sometimes I wish she wasn't so quick to dismiss my feelings--to be invalidating. But when she's done this, the hurt I feel is real small and I can resolve it all on my own. This time, I just don't know what to tell myself to make me forget.

I suspect people will tell me to talk to her about it. But what if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? What if I end up generating a bigger disappointment? What if I embarrass myself by letting her know I really care about her caring? I would hate to make things worse.

Yes, but I am careful (as with everything) in how I raise the topic/issue. How receptive people are to you is highly based on the presentation.

Yes, I tell her.

[unaluna]

Yes, tell. It's more about you having the guts to delicately confront the other person, and being confident you can get what you want out of life.

[Nightlight]

Apparently sometimes I do make mountains out of molehills. If I feel let down or badly hurt though, I'm not going to hide it. I will talk about it.

So I say, tell her. It's how you feel after all, and if you are making something out of nothing, you have every right to find that out and work through it in therapy.

[autotelica]

I guess I could preface what I say with, "I'm afraid I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but I think I need to get this off of my chest."

Or I could just ask her if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think she will probably point out that I'm being assertive or expressive and not take what I say personally. So instead of swallowing the let-down, I will try to reveal it somehow. But I'm going to try to not be emotional about it. If I can keep calm and cool, then I will feel like I'm still being strong.

[Anne2.0]

Everytime I have told my T when I think he has screwed up, for things that are or aren't his fault, he has always been enormously receptive, even when I haven't said it in the Best Possible Way. He has always said, thanks for the feedback and, more generally, he says he is always willing to hear what I have to say. He even acts like he means it.

Even if indelicate in presentation, I do think T's are especially grateful when you tell them what doesn't work for you, because this is information that makes it easier for them to help you. And I think they are very glad that you can stand up for yourself with them; it equalizes the relationship.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by autotelica

I am disappointed in something that my therapist did (or rather, didn't do). I guess on the grand scheme of Disappointing Things People Do, it scores really low. But it's not like the other kinds of disappointments I have felt with her. Like, sometimes I wish she wasn't so quick to dismiss my feelings--to be invalidating. But when she's done this, the hurt I feel is real small and I can resolve it all on my own. This time, I just don't know what to tell myself to make me forget.

I suspect people will tell me to talk to her about it. But what if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? What if I end up generating a bigger disappointment? What if I embarrass myself by letting her know I really care about her caring? I would hate to make things worse.

I think you are insightful in knowing your fear of letting her know that you care about her caring. That, in and of itself, would be something to explore.

I definitely think you should first tell her your fear of telling her you are disappointed, and then I suspect it will be a little easier to tell her. Let us know how it goes! :-)

[stopdog]

Yes. It does not really do anything but I do let the woman know.

[Miswimmy1]

I let my t know when I am not happy with her. But I try and make is so that i am not attacking her. I will say like, *I* did not like... and *i* feel... that way, you put in your point of view, as opposed to playing the blame game and saying *u* this or *u* that.

It's really only happened once - my T had forgotten a really important thing that I'd told him, about the recent death of a family member, and so I had to tell him about it again. I couldn't believe he'd forget a thing like that, and I was rather disappointed about it. The next session I did bring it up; I hadn't been sure if I would be able to, but I'm really glad I did. I prefaced it by saying something like "After last session I was feeling a bit unhappy with the fact that you'd forgotten" - like miswimmy says, focusing on your feelings, and on the action you're disappointed about, rather than on the T's person. (Not that a T should not be able to deal with this kind of thing even if it isn't phrased perfectly.)

[BonnieJean]

Yes, do bring it up.
Sometimes I go back and describe my experience with the particular interaction. It gets us talking. Some times I see a distortion in my thoughts and so learn about myself. Sometimes she acknowledges how her behavior/reaction made me feel and leaves it at that. But with a feeling of being together or understanding it together. She has apologized at times too. Ts are human.

I have brought it up in the past but I regret the way I brought it up. When I was less skillful I brought it up in such a way where it was a direct attack on how she practices therapy. That was not skillful on my part. I agree with the other posters that you should bring it up and focus on your feelings about the situation.

I have been considering this thread a lot before replying. I felt like you might think I was exaggerating when I say that telling my first therapist about my frustration and disappointment with him and with therapy was a life altering experience. But that was true for me.

I did not express my disappointment or anger well. I basically told him that he had ruined my life and I hated therapy. I refrained from saying that I hated him, but I kinda did hate him. I certainly had NO fond feeling for him at all. So I was raging at him, but in a quiet, really contained way. He responded to my anger with kindness and a gentle humor that diffused my disappointment and anger and allowed me to see that I was being a bit unreasonable. Then he asked me what he could do differently to help me AND he actually followed through with doing what I needed. Never, and I do mean NEVER in my life had someone met my anger and disappointment with them in that way. Anger or disappointment had ALWAYS been met by rage, even when I was completely justified in my anger or disappointment.

To have my therapist accept my anger and disappointment, even when it was at least somewhat unreasonable, and still be kind, and gentle AND want to help me was truly life altering. Life didn't have to be the way it had always been. Relationships COULD be different. Not everyone on the planet was going to get mad at me just because I was disappointed in them.

With my current therapist also, my telling him about things he has done that hurt or disappointed me has been really healing. He owns his part of the problem, even while sometimes gently pointing out that I may have misconstrued some things.

I hope you are able to have the discussion with your therapist and it goes well.

[Syra]

I had a T who would pretty much respond when I had a problem, but I never felt totally resolved about it. I stayed anyway because I thought so many other things were good. I wish I had paid attention. Eventually she got upset with my questions and started telling me what my problem was, and it wasn't her problem.

I found a new therapist. The other day, for about the fourth time, I told him something he did that was difficult for me. He responded as he always has: listening, checking in with what was going on with him, and exploring the issue with me. He never owns what he doesn't think he should own, but he will own what he thinks is his, and he never sounds defensive. He seems open and curious. The last time I almost started crying. It just felt so wonderful to not be afraid I was going to make him angry, uncomfortable, whatever.

[autotelica]

Thanks, everyone!

I still don't know how I will broach the topic. What probably will happen is that I'll go into my session tomorrow and she'll be so kind and attentive that it will seem petty to bring this up. So I won't. This seems like it would be a good thing. But if it happens, I won't learn how to feel comfortable complaining and expressing disappointment.

I do tell my T when he does something that is disappointing to me or what I see as a screw up on his part. He welcomes this as part of my "therapy" is largely based on my relationship with T. He is to model a healthy response to my anger or disappointment. I appreciate that he also can admit he is human and makes mistakes. This gives me the opportunity to forgive him within the realm of a healthy relationship. Something I have never experienced.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by autotelica

Thanks, everyone!

I still don't know how I will broach the topic. What probably will happen is that I'll go into my session tomorrow and she'll be so kind and attentive that it will seem petty to bring this up. So I won't. This seems like it would be a good thing. But if it happens, I won't learn how to feel comfortable complaining and expressing disappointment.

The most wonderful experience I have had in therapy is when I brought up something that seemed to interfere wtih my therapy, while T was doing all that he had been trained to do. He listened, and then started to problem solve with me how to make it work better for me. No defensiveness. No labeling. And no assigning blame - to himself or me, which was good. This was about the 4th time we'd had some kind of issue to work out. And what I learned from the process was so much more important than resolving the acute issue. My trust in him is now immense, and I can really be me - even the parts of me that usually hide. Because he is like that, I find more of me making itself present, and that is incredibly wonderful for my therapy.

[autotelica]

How do you express the depth of a disappointment without sounding like you're trying to guilt the other person into an apology?

For instance, with the latest disappointment, I felt so bad that I felt suicidal.

Do I tell my therapist this? Or should I just say that I felt sad and leave it at that? I guess I'm afraid that I would sound melodramatic if I told her just how badly I felt.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by autotelica

How do you express the depth of a disappointment without sounding like you're trying to guilt the other person into an apology?

For instance, with the latest disappointment, I felt so bad that I felt suicidal.

Do I tell my therapist this? Or should I just say that I felt sad and leave it at that? I guess I'm afraid that I would sound melodramatic if I told her just how badly I felt.

It's hard to say without more information, and I want to respect how much information your choose to share and not share. I wonder if something like htis would help:

When you said/did __________ I felt ___________. I wanted to close down. I'm afraid to talk now. I don't feel safe and I want to feel safe for my therapy to work.

I can imagine me saying that to my therapist. I think it can be said in an accusatory tone, but also in a a vulnerable way. And I can imagine him responding really really well.

Perhaps an example, which isn't near as profound, I told him:

When you keep noticing all these other parts coming up I get confused and I can't follow it. I start paying attention to being a good student and catching all the nuances, and I forget about my process. And then I start shutting down from being overwhelmed

His response was wonderful. He didn't take it as criticism. He took it as information from me about what worked for me. And then we explored it together. I do feel lucky to have found him. My previous T would not, did not, respond this way.

[autotelica]

"When I emailed you that I got at trouble at work and that I'm going to stop taking my meds because of it, your only words were to call pdoc. You didn't ask me about what happened at work or ask me how I'm doing. I needed comforting, but your response was not comforting. It was purely problem-solving.

This is what life seems like it always going to be for me--a long-range exercise in problem-solving. But I would like to experience life as a human being, too. Human beings have feelings. I need help realizing and valuing my feelings. When you acted as my problem-solver rather than my comforter, I felt like maybe I don't deserve those things. Maybe they are, like everything else not tied directly to the basic of survival, luxuries that I just can't afford.

This idea makes me want to give up completely. I don't know what to do to make it go away."

[ECHOES]

I try to, although I really struggle with it. But yes, she wants to know. We just had this conversation; she wants to know when I am disappointed, angry, etc. She can help me best when she understands me, and how my inner world works, and letting her know when I disagree, when I'm disappointed, angry, etc. help her to help me. It's part of the "anything and everything" that is to share in therapy.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by autotelica

"When I emailed you that I got at trouble at work and that I'm going to stop taking my meds because of it, your only words were to call pdoc. You didn't ask me about what happened at work or ask me how I'm doing. I needed comforting, but your response was not comforting. It was purely problem-solving.

This is what life seems like it always going to be for me--a long-range exercise in problem-solving. But I would like to experience life as a human being, too. Human beings have feelings. I need help realizing and valuing my feelings. When you acted as my problem-solver rather than my comforter, I felt like maybe I don't deserve those things. Maybe they are, like everything else not tied directly to the basic of survival, luxuries that I just can't afford.

This idea makes me want to give up completely. I don't know what to do to make it go away."

Is this what you have mailed to your T or thinking of sending?

My experience of telling my therapist when I have been upset or disappointed in her has always been good. I was so so afraid of ever doing it because I so badly wanted her to like me and I wanted to please her but when I finally did tell her about something that really upset me, her response was wonderful. She said how proud she was of me for having the courage to do that. And she has said that more than once. So I was wrong in thinking that to please her I needed to keep quiet about things, she was actually more 'pleased' with me when I was honest and gave her the feedback. She saw it as a great step forward for me and was apologetic and not one bit offended.

[autotelica]

If I had a better tongue, it would be what I would say to her.

I don't think it's important enough to email her about.

[velcro003]

no, i never directly have ever said anything to her.its too scary