[Miswimmy1]

And it was not good. I thought about not going. But I went. And I have absolutely nothing to show for it. It makes me question whether therapy is working. I feel like there is so much unsaid... I feel like while she is telling me how well I'm doing, we both know that I hve been a wreck. She basically congratulated me for not losing it while she was gone. That hurts. Because I *did* lose it. I lost what we used to have. I'm so confused. I'm going to try and work it out here.

There were a few things she said:
- "besides feeling like I got hit by a bus, I'm ok." that sarcasm hurts. It's like she thinks I don't care about her. Or that I haven't thought about what it's been like for her. What am I to say to that? I don't feel like its right to talk about her, but I also don't want her to take my silence as uncaring.

- "you have to learn to deal with those feelings. Use your tools." that invalidation of feelings... I *have* been. It has taken all I had to just survive the weeks. I don't think she really knows how hard it was. I had brought up not wanting to do exposure this weekend because I feel so unsafe and not confident. I thought she would help me work through it. But it's back to her saying things like this... It's been like that ever since I quit medication... (if you won't listen to me and take medication, then you are on your own)

- "I have us back on regular schedule next week. Do you? Or are you going to fire me?" I guess I got my incontent feelings across. But I wish she wouldn't have said that. It's still like... (if u won't listen, then I can't help u). I wanted her help! I don't like the way she implied that either I listen to her or find another t. Also, how am I supposed to answer that? Ugh!

Another few things...
- she was late
- I ran into the patient after me, as I was leaving, and I overheard their happy exchange. It makes me jelous... We used to have that. (on a side note, I particularly don't like that girl, cuz I have heard about her, and we have things in common. My t refers to her now and then. It makes me feel like I'm not special when that happens.)
- she didn't even mention the emails I sent her while she was gone
- she didn't mention how hard it was... And she knows more then well, cuz my emails were only when I was really really in need, because I was trying to not bombard her while she was resting

I just feel really confused. And hurt. And lonely. There aren't really words for what happened. But right now, I just want to shut down and be numb. Because right now, I hate how I'm feeling.

I suspect she does feel like she's been hit by us bus (and that description isn't particularly sarcastic; really just metaphorically descriptive); I don't see how her describing her physical discomfort says anything at all about you not caring about her. Unless you've left something else off, it just sounds like her describing herself, not making any kind of allusion to you.

Telling you to use your tools isn't invalidating; it's just a reminder. I suspect she very well knows how difficult this was for you. Did you ask her to help you work through what you needed to work through? Did you ask her to work with you on those skills? Or were you waiting for her to read your mind about what you needed?

I also don't read her asking about next week's schedule as saying "if u won't listen, then I can't help u". Sounds more like she clearly understands you are angry because she has been away for a few weeks (rational or not) and that she understands your ambivalence about therapy right now because she knows the separation was painful and difficult for you. She was acknowledging your anger toward her, but I don't see in what you quoted any statement about meds or any implication that you should find another T.

If you wanted to discuss your emails, why didn't you bring them up?

I think she absolutely mentioned how hard it was for you (see all of the above), maybe not directly, but she seems to clearly understand you had a difficult time and are pissed.

Kind of sounds like you are still in a place of anger with your T for "abandoning" you these last couple of weeks and instead of being direct with her and specifically telling her what you needed or what you were feeling, you were wanting her to figure it out all on her own (maybe as some "sign" that she cares?).

You already have shut down, which is why your session wasn't particularly productive. You are going to have to really talk to her about how you've numbed yourself out (maybe so you won't get hurt) and how you truly feel about the experience of the past two weeks. It is up to you to be honest and forward with your T here. Only then will you be able to move beyond your anger and move forward in your therapy.

[Syra]

This all sounds so familiar to me, and I'm so sorry to hear you having to go through this. I never could get myself to leave my ex-, despite all the warning signs, which were similar. I was so attached to her. But I was able to stick to my values and my questions, and not let her tell decide what was right and what was wrong with me (which I wimped out on a little bit, but generally not) - and she eventually fired me.

I don't think that is inevitable that things won't work out. I think if it was my current therapist, we would work it out. I've been in other situations that things didn't look like things would work out, and with enough talking they worked out. But I don't imagine this will go on forever. Something will change, or one of you will reach your limit. And what I think was the best thing I did was stay with my values and my understanding of things.

[Wren_]

(((((((((((((Swimmy)))))))))))))))

[Syra]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I suspect she does feel like she's been hit by us bus (and that description isn't particularly sarcastic; really just metaphorically descriptive); I don't see how her describing her physical discomfort says anything at all about you not caring about her. Unless you've left something else off, it just sounds like her describing herself, not making any kind of allusion to you.

Telling you to use your tools isn't invalidating; it's just a reminder. I suspect she very well knows how difficult this was for you. Did you ask her to help you work through what you needed to work through? Did you ask her to work with you on those skills? Or were you waiting for her to read your mind about what you needed?

I also don't read her asking about next week's schedule as saying "if u won't listen, then I can't help u". Sounds more like she clearly understands you are angry because she has been away for a few weeks (rational or not) and that she understands your ambivalence about therapy right now because she knows the separation was painful and difficult for you. She was acknowledging your anger toward her, but I don't see in what you quoted any statement about meds or any implication that you should find another T.

If you wanted to discuss your emails, why didn't you bring them up?

I think she absolutely mentioned how hard it was for you (see all of the above), maybe not directly, but she seems to clearly understand you had a difficult time and are pissed.

Kind of sounds like you are still in a place of anger with your T for "abandoning" you these last couple of weeks and instead of being direct with her and specifically telling her what you needed or what you were feeling, you were wanting her to figure it out all on her own (maybe as some "sign" that she cares?).

You already have shut down, which is why your session wasn't particularly productive. You are going to have to really talk to her about how you've numbed yourself out (maybe so you won't get hurt) and how you truly feel about the experience of the past two weeks. It is up to you to be honest and forward with your T here. Only then will you be able to move beyond your anger and move forward in your therapy.

I read what you've written and I get scared. It sounds like you think you know what happened or how to interpret what happened - and what Miswimmy needs - more than she does. I don't hear it that way.

I also get nervous when someone tells another person that they are wrong about their therapy.

Perhaps I have misunderstood you and that isn't what you meant.

(((((Miswimmy1))))) I hear and understand your hurt.

Originally Posted by Syra

I read what you've written and I get scared. It sounds like you think you know what happened or how to interpret what happened - and what Miswimmy needs - more than she does. I don't hear it that way.

I also get nervous when someone tells another person that they are wrong about their therapy.

Perhaps I have misunderstood you and that isn't what you meant.

I clearly said that I could only go on what she wrote and that if there was more to it, it wasn't coming across in the information she was giving in her post. I don't believe I at all said that she was "wrong about her therapy", so I'm not sure where you get that.

Miswimmy knows she has a history of overthinking and perhaps misinterpretting what her therapist is saying and doing, usually in a very negative light. Perhaps you don't know all the history here which is why you see what I am saying as "scary". Sometimes it takes a few posts for any OP to clarify and flesh out what he/she is trying to say. I'm sure Miswimmy is quite capable to clarifying her thoughts and feelings as the thread progresses. I promise, I have no evil purpose here.

[autotelica]

Originally Posted by Syra

I also get nervous when someone tells another person that they are wrong about their therapy.

If farmergirl thinks Miswimmy is wrong about what she perceived (which is 100% possible), is she supposed to not say anything? Isn't the whole point of posting hearing other viewpoints?

I do not see how it benefits Miswimmy to have people tell her that suspicious are correct. They may be, but her own account does not indicate this. Notice how many times she says "it's like". She's interpreting rather than reporting.

I've never heard someone say "It feels like I've been hit by a bus" in a sarcastic way. I admit that it's possible, but it would be a rather unusual way of expressing resentment. Miswimmy, I know how it is when your therapist is sick and you're feeling weird about talking about yourself. But your therapist is NOT holding that against you. She knows you care about her but that you also care about yourself. If all you wanted to talk about was her, she'd be rightfully concerned.

[Bill3]

I'm really sorry about what happened with T today and how you are feeling.

It sounds like t did not express anything like a reasonably full understanding and validation of what you experienced in her absence. She may have that understanding, she might be willing to validate, but one cannot know unless the understanding and validation is actually expressed.

"Are you going to fire me?" does sound to me like a disconcerting thing to hear. Did you agree about the regular schedule? If yes, when do you see her again?

Because I *did* lose it. I lost what we used to have.

I think that there were two different forms of "losing it" under discussion. She, it sounds like, was talking about being able to continue on in school, having some approximation of a regular life. You are talking specifically abut the relationship that the two of you used to have.

I'm so confused. I'm going to try and work it out here.

This is good, it is an example of "using your resources"--which you did in her absence and are trying to continue to do.

[Nightlight]

I think for me part of the most healing part of therapy is sticking through those times and not quitting. It really helps to find out things can get bad (there can be disconnection, or even miscommunication) and things can still get better again. T can still remain consistent, stable, solid, reliable, patient, while they help us to build up that trusting relationship again...and that's such a healing thing. It doesn't mean this sort of difficulty will never happen again. Each time this sort of thing happens, it is bad...but gradually you learn to use the experience of surviving the last time...and the next time it happens it's a tiny bit less awful. I think gradually that sort of learning helps more and more with every day life.

I can understand why you struggled. I even think T understands why you struggled. I've also heard my T having happy exchanges with people before me, and then a really sad low session with me. She really wants to be completely there for me in the hour I need her. I bet your T is the same, and laughter with someone doesn't always signal a better or closer relationship...so try not to worry too much abut that. You can get back to that place in your relationship with T where you're able to laugh, trust and connect. I hope you let her work back towards that with you. I really think it's so worth it.

[Bill3]

I was thinking about your emails.

I go to a spiritual director. I sent her a Christmas card. The card has a picture of our kids and also of our dogs. You would think that a person would mention it. It is also the first time she would have seen our kids.

She didn't mention the card today. That bugged me. I wondered: Should I ask her about it? Maybe I should have, but I figured that if I did, then I felt that I would putting her in the wrong, you know? So I didn't say anything. But it bugged me, and I can see why t not mentioning emails would bug you.

[adel34]

Hi Swimmy,
Sorry you had such a hard session. I know for me, it can be so hard to come out and say things in therapy, like asking for help with the OCD stuff. Especially when you guys have had such a long break and this was so hard for you.
Her comment about are you gonna fire her I don't think was right. I'm just sorry the session was so hard.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Syra

I read what you've written and I get scared. It sounds like you think you know what happened or how to interpret what happened - and what Miswimmy needs - more than she does. I don't hear it that way.

I also get nervous when someone tells another person that they are wrong about their therapy.

Perhaps I have misunderstood you and that isn't what you meant.

I don't think that you are reading Chris' statements for the words that I think are very clearly there. You are placing an interpretation that is filtered through your own biases, not what was actually said.

For the sake of argument, even if Chris had stated what you believe, I think that using the word "scared" has the effect of squashing opinions that are different than yours or otherwise chilling the discussion that naturally results when someone starts a thread here. Although it doesn't always happen, posters ought to be willing to at least tolerate opinions that they might not agree with. It's okay to ignore them, or post that you disagree, or otherwise express your voice. But if you are suggesting that people who might see things differently than the poster ought to be silent, I think that's wrong. If you start a thread hoping to just get a bunch of people to agree with you, perhaps you ought to include a note within it that you don't want to hear alternative perspectives. Otherwise, I assume we are all here to learn and that suggests that we be willing to at least listen to what other people have to say.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Syra

I also get nervous when someone tells another person that they are wrong about their therapy.

I just ignore the posters I think tell others what to do. Or you can block them. Remember they can't really do anything to do you.

Miswimmy- The one I see did refer to an email I sent wishing her well when she was out last year after falling and breaking some bones. I was surprised, but it was nice she acknowledged it. I think I would attribute some of the therapist's offed-ness to still being not back to being completely well.

[Miswimmy1]

@auto, farmergirl: I appreciate all opinions and points of view

@syra: I get what u are saying. I hadn't taken it that way, but thank you for that differing view on things...

@ bill: I didn't say anything. I just sat, and said sure. It was what came out of my mouth. I see her tue.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry you felt so bad about your session. I know it's hard going back after a break. I don't think your T was being sarcastic about feeling like she was hit by a bus. Maybe your answer could have been "I'm sorry", without getting into a conversation about her surgery.

My T never mentions my emails to her unless I bring them up. I don't like it but there must be a reason Ts do that. My T likes to deal in the present, the way I feel sitting in her office, unless I bring up something else like emails or something that happened during the week. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about my feelings. It's probably difficult for your T to get back to work, too.

I think that you and your T will be fine. Hopefully, you'll get back on track next session and she will be feeling more herself then, too.

[~EnlightenMe~]

((((((Miswimmy)))))),
I am sorry that your session didn't go well.

I am at a loss for words, but know that I am hoping that all goes well for you in the upcoming weeks.

[velcro003]

my T also doesn't bring up emails unless i say "please bring this up, because i will be too scared to." even then she goes "So, I got your e-mail..." and waits for me to talk about it.

i also agree that saying "i feel like i got hit by a bus,but am otherwise ok" is just her saying she feels like *****, but is ok enough to be here and do therapy. not that she doesn't care about you or anyting of the like.