[granite1]

the las few weeks have been tough for me.i have been dealing with things that i have never wanted to feel or even acknowledge.never wanted to speak out loud. one thing i am seeing is in dealing with some pretty horrible stuff my T has been stead fast and strong . making decisions when i just couldn't because it has gone against everything i believe.right or wrong. she has listen to my crazy ranting and has yet to conform to what i believe and to hold true to her opinion that is drastically different then mine. when i was sure she was ready to walk away i couldn't believe she was right there saying yes she will still see me.countless hours of silence that she continues to sit through .allowing it to be whatever it is.

yesterday i shared with her a story of my life that i have never shared with any other T or in RL .i have shared some here. but never to speak the words i did. and she was OK .she used words like abuse,humiliation, trauma. words i have always had a hard time hearing.she seemed to make it OK .no big deal .she seemed to understand just this small simple piece of my history .she could understand my level of mistrust and accept it for what it is. can i really trust this person to help me start to make some sort of sense out of my life to i can actually be happy

one of the big things i cant seem to figure out is what is OK to say,what is important.what i told is just a small drop in the bucket of a huge amount of horror.how do i deal with that kind of thing because it seems just huge and endless.so many endless streams of beating and horrible things .i feel if i say one small thing an endless stream of horror is also attached to that .how can you process something so huge in my head.it is endless and overwhelming. any input in this would be so welcome.kind of like if you were attacked and horribly beat one day.that is something horrible to have to process .how do you even begin to process this as one of a lifetime of beatings and abuse.when it is so common place is it even abuse then or even traumatic.it seems just common every day life .how can you label it trauma. am i making any sense at all???anyway thanks for reading

[stopdog]

I am glad the therapist is there with you.

Granite, I remember having a conversation with my xT about if it was just how life was than how can it be abuse or traumatic... He said that we are wired as humans to need certain things and when we don't get that it is traumatic whether we know it is or not at the time....

My xT said something that sort of helped me... he used an analogy of my past to a overflowing stuffed garage filled with junk.... he said first we can sort the past into piles of similar events or events with same person or someother way to group it... then we didn't have to process every event.... it actually did help me for it not to seem so overwhelming.

so maybe for you there would be away for you to categorize the events into the feelings that went with it... Like if you dealt with the chair and your moms words, the time in the bedroom, etc....

I'm so glad your T is there for you.

granite, my T says it is the day in, day out abuse that is so hard to recover from. It just grinds at you constantly. It creates more complex problems than abuse that is more episodic or just happens a few times. You just keep trying and keep sloughing through the mess, I guess. I do not know the answers. I just know that I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just keep trying, granite. Your T will help you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

one of the big things i cant seem to figure out is what is OK to say,what is important.what i told is just a small drop in the bucket of a huge amount of horror.how do i deal with that kind of thing because it seems just huge and endless.so many endless streams of beating and horrible things .i feel if i say one small thing an endless stream of horror is also attached to that .how can you process something so huge in my head.it is endless and overwhelming. any input in this would be so welcome.kind of like if you were attacked and horribly beat one day.that is something horrible to have to process .how do you even begin to process this as one of a lifetime of beatings and abuse.when it is so common place is it even abuse then or even traumatic.it seems just common every day life .how can you label it trauma. am i making any sense at all???anyway thanks for reading

The tragedy of abuse is that it is so common and goes on so long. People get used to it and think it is normal.

I greatly admire those who first pointed out that it is not normal, not right, and it can and must be stopped.

[feralkittymom]

You get through it by letting it out a little at a time, like releasing the steam of a pressure cooker, and by doing so, you let your T absorb it from you. Her being there, even in silence, (maybe especially in silence), is her holding you psychologically.

You are understood.

There was a time--most of my life--when I thought the simple happiness of daily living was unimagineable.

But it is there ahead of you. Believe in your T guiding you there.

[~EnlightenMe~]

You are very brave. Thank you for sharing your story. You have made SO much progress.!

Granite, yes your post resonated with me. What was our life when spoken about feels surreal. It feels as if we are the ones that are creating a trauma where none existed. That unfortunately is part of being traumatised I've learnt.

You were brave to talk and with time it does begin to make a little sense.

[sittingatwatersedge]

are you making any sense? It makes perfect sense.

some PC people who had huge stores of horror memories have said that the way to go is as slowly as you need to, Granite. Talking about talking about it, if that's helpful. at some point you are ready to tell one small thing and you know you're ready, so you tell it.

I don't know that it ever gets easy... no. but it comes.

You say the bad stuff stretched over years, so be patient with the time it may take to let the sunshine in for healing. there's no rush.

if you don't mind I will add this - I am so glad you didn't quit yr T and can now post what you have, about her, about her and yourself. The two positions are MILES apart and indicate a lot of growth, IMO.

you are doing such good work!!!

[WikidPissah]

I like the "steam" visual. I don't know what in my life is considered "trauma" and what isn't. It's all just life to me. I think finding a therapist that doesn't wince when you mention something is huge. You need her to be strong. There is no time limit on telling. You don't have to tell it all. You don't have to be precise, or accurate. You don't even have to tell details (unless you want to).

You're doing well granite. So brave.

[Sannah]

granite, I am so glad that you shared with T. This is how you will get through the rest. By sharing bit by bit. Good work!

[Anne2.0]

Yes, you are making sense. My history has some shared elements with yours, some different. I can tell you that I used to feel on the other side of the big icky collection of junk where it feels like it can overtake your entire being at anytime. It won't always feel that way. I think you once said that it was like a freight train heading straight for you. One day it might be more like a battery operated Thomas the Train

Where to start, what to say next, which pebble to pick up to throw in the pond. It reminds me of Anne LaMott's book on writing, Bird by Bird. She took the title from a little anecdote where her brother had school report due on thirty birds in their state (or something like that). It's the night before it's due, and he's of course overwhelmed by how much work a description of all thirty birds will be. He's crying and freaking out, and asks their dad how he can possibly get it done. Bird by bird, their dad says, and its as much an instruction for getting therapy rolling as a school writing project.

bird by bird, granite. I guess you don't worry about the rest of the flock and you just focus on the bird in your hand.

[feralkittymom]

Love LaMott's book.

There are still significant portions of my childhood that I don't remember. Not just unremembered trauma, but no memories at all, even of ordinary stuff. This bothered me because I couldn't see how I could recover if I couldn't remember everything: wouldn't the unremembered continue to twist my life into knots?

My T told me he didn't believe that to be so. That the processing I had done would result in changes that would not be erased. That, in fact, the changes would become more solid, growing more deeply over time, because the changes didn't reside in the therapy, they resided in me.

What I've found is that he was right. I have recovered a few more memories spontaneously in the years since. They were powerful in recognition, but not overwhelming emotionally. Even though they were quite horrific events, and they were momentarily shocking to me, I experienced a resilience I'd never known before. They've taken their place in the landscape of my life, but they didn't "undo" me fundamentally. I have to think that this is what recovery is.

I could not have foreseen this would be possible while I was in the middle of the process. But my inability to see this had nothing to do with the reality of its existence.