New counselor didn't work out.....

Hi,

Well, let's see if I can summarize this in a short way. At the end of May, my former counselor moved away. I'd been seeing him for three years, and we had an excellent working relationship. Even though it was hard to see him leave, and I wasn't ready to stop counseling, we still ended on a positive note. I wished him well, and felt grateful to have worked with him. However, I have been really missing him, and it's been hard.

Because he left with somewhat short notice, we had trouble getting a referral arranged. He had trouble finding referrals, too. I started seeing a new counselor after he left. I saw the new counselor for three visits, and the last visit was this past Wednesday. It just isn't a good personality match, and all sorts of weird things kept happening. I could describe some of the things that were happening but maybe that isn't beneficial. At the last session, I said that the working relationship seemed awkward to me, and I asked him if it seemed awkward to him. He said yes, and he thought it would not work out. He said he would try to find referrals, but yesterday we talked on the phone and he said he can't find any referrals.

So at this point I don't know what to do. I've tried to look for counselors on my own since my former counselor left, and I'm not having much luck either. I called the three referrals my counselor gave me, and this one man was the only one who called back. I don't know if this is a message to me that it is time to stop counseling, or what! But I do know that I'm not doing very well at the moment and it seems like it would be better to be talking to somebody.

Anyway, it has been a hard time. The last counselor was an upsetting situation.

Thanks for listening, I guess I just needed to say it somewhere. It is hard to try again and have it go badly. It is more depressing somehow. Sorry this is a bit long.

Take care,
ErinBear

Erinbear,

I'm so sorry it didn't work out with your replacement therapist.

That is something I can understand...... my very first therapist moved after just having seen her for 5 months, I liked her a lot. The referral she sent me to was not a good match-- I struggled for about 5 months with that one.

We are here listening, sorry your experience was upsetting .... ----- who knows there still could be that "great fit" out there...... just may take some time to find him/her. It took 3 years in my case-- I believe there is hope.

Thinking of you

Hi Mandyfins,

Thanks so much for your note - I really appreciate it.

I'm sorry you had to go through changes with your counselors, too. Wow, it took you three years to find a new counselor! That must have been so difficult. I admire your courage for getting through that time. I think that must have taken a lot of bravery.....

Thanks again for the note.

Take care,
ErinBear

I am so sorry that your new t did not work out. What a disappointment after losing your t so abruptly. I hope you continue looking for someone that is compatible so you can continue healing.

Well, I'm not one to take credit-- don't think it was bravery ..... but I will say-- it helped in my case having PPD (paranoid personality disorder)-- as I became very stubborn and figured therapists were just full of it --!!! I struggled horribly on my own for three years, then had a bad "mental crash", which lead me to my current therapist.

I certainly hope you don't have the struggle or "crash"---- I'm hoping you will post here, or reach out to family or a friend if you are struggling, until you find that "good fit" of a therapist.

I admire so many here-- like you-- that can communicate their lows and highs and get the support they should.
I may have said this before--- I'm too private for my own good!

Anyway, I think it's good that you posted--- keep reaching out and keep us updated too-- OK!

Hi Bipolar Bear,

Thanks so much for your note - it was indeed a disappointment that the new counselor didn't work out, and I've been having a hard time since the counselor left....so I really wished there had been somebody I could speak with since I haven't been doing well. So it has been doubly hard.

Thanks for the kind thoughts from a fellow bear :-)

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Mandyfins,

I'm sorry you got to such a low point - that sounds really hard. (((((Mandyfins)))) hugs if okay. I guess on the plus side of all that, it sounds like you have found a T you like now. I'm glad for that, anyway! And yes, I do think it takes courage to try again when you've had some bad experiences, so good for you for sticking with it and giving it another try.

Thinking of you,
ErinBear

I'm sorry to hear this! I wish you lots of luck and love in your search to find a counsellor who is a good fit for you ((((((((((((( ErinBear ))))))))))))))

(spelling is correct for the UK ...)

Its hard getting a therapist you like and are comfortable with after being with one therapist for so long.

When I had to start seeing LL because SKR and I decided it was time to drop the therapy part of our relationship I knew there was never going to be another SKR for no one can replace her and how we did my therapy stuff. When I told this to SKR she told me that most people who are with a therapist for more than a year end up having trouble connecting to a new therapist because their mind is set in the way things were done with the past therapist. Most people end up bouncing around from therapist to therapist because on a deeper level their mind is still comparing who they see to the past therapist - their manerisms, ways of talking and handling situations and so on. She asked me to at least choose someone even if I decided not to stay with that person permanently but atleast choose someone so I wasn't left hanging with no one. I told her no I'll be fine. Well being DID when it came time for no contact for a year I lost it, I dissociated and came close to going off the deep end so to speak. Long story short a friend of mine contacted SKR and let her know I was crashing. SKR wrote me a letter again asking that I allow her to help me find another theraist. I agreed.

This time I went into this process of looking for a new therapist with an open mind set of no one was going to be SKR and right now and no matter who I choose I'm going to hate that person just because they are not SKR. I don't have a choice. If SKR and I are to be able to remain friends I have to see someone or lots of someones else for a year. So the first person SKR chooses for me I will take and I can either spend that time miserable because it isn't SKR and the person will have a different personality then SKR and will be doing things differently then SKR or I can say fine here is what I need to do to make myself be the best person I can be. No matter who I get my insurance is paying them to help me fix me. So that is what they are going to do -

help ME fix me in whatever ways I want to do it and how I want to do it.

I am the consumer here. When I go grocery shopping I dont buy things I don't like.

So I am going to set my own pace and set down my own goals for what I am going to do with or without this new therapist.

And thats what I did. I continued doing things the way SKR and I did things. I took the time with my new therapist LL as if I was taking a review course - I strengthed my grounding techniques, kept up with my journaling and art therapy, awareness therapy, sensory stimulation therapy, and so on and took my time explaining to LL what SKR and I were working on. If I saw at any point that she was not quite understanding what my therapy stuff was all about I took it down to her level so that she could follow along with what I was doing. and I took time to get to know her and her therapy approach.

My setting this slower but on my issues as I saw them pace also gave LL a chance to get to know me as a person. She saw that I was the one that was going to be the lead for now - for I came to sessions prepared with my journals, artwork, therapy projects, and let her know what I was working on, on my own.

Since therapists base their sessions on what a client brings in to the sessions either by actually bringing things in or by what the client is saying LL followed my lead.

Once I was confident that LL understood what I needed and how I do things I slowly started letting her take the lead.

I started out totally hating LL and ended up with a great therapist who wants whats best for me. I have now been with LL for a little over 2 years.

Maybe what I did will work for you. try sitting down writing down why you need to be in therapy, and what problems are that you want to work on, and ideas for working on them. Even if the ideas are totally off the wall put them down on the paper. Theres your problems and theres your goals and possible ways for fixing those problems.

Then open the phone book call a mental health agency and ask if they are accepting new clients. if so schedule an intake appointment,

Since you know why you want to be in therapy, what your problems are and possible ways to solve those problems you can go to the intake appointment with a clear head about the type of therapist that you need - someone with experience with the problems you want to fix, and someone who is flexible or open minded to the kind of things you would like to try during therapy time to try and solve your problems.

The intake person hands in your file to one of the supervisors and the supervisor reads what you said during the intake appointment and matches you with the therapist within that agency that matches what you need and what you want to do during therapy.

Sometimes you may not have a choice who you get assigned to for example I didn't have a choice. LL was the DID specialist with this agency so whether either of us liked it or not I was on her caseload and she was my therapist.

But just because you don't have a choie of who you end up with does not mean you cannot work with that person for you have set down wrote out your problems, goals and possible activities for fixing your problems. 98% of therapy is the client doing the work anyway. the therapist is there to point out areas that you are not looking at in the problem and suggesting possible other ways that may help you to fix your problems and sometimes yell at or with if you need to.

Good luck with your next therapist.

Hi Fuzzybear,

Thanks so much for your message, and for the good wishes about finding a *counsellor* who will be a good match for this silly bear. It helps to be able to talk about it here, so thank you for listening, and thanks to the others, too. This past six weeks or so have been really hard.

Take care, and thanks,
ErinBear

Hi Myself,

Thanks so much for your reply, and for sharing your experiences. I appreciate it, and it's wonderful you've been able to find a way to adjust to your new therapist, and bring in the therapy experiences you wanted to use from your prior therapy relationship, and continue them. I'm glad that was possible, and that your new therapy relationship is now a good one for you.

Yes, I do know that each new therapy relationship has to start from scratch, and I kept that in mind this time and will do so in the future too.

Thanks again, Myself.

Take care,
ErinBear

You're welcome. hang in there

Thanks, Myself, I sure appreciate it :-)

Take care,
ErinBear

((((((((( Erin ))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

(((erinbear)))) don't use any of that as a "sign" to quit therapy! Things just don't go as easily as we want them... keep on seeking someone to talk and share with. TC.

((((((January)))))))) thank you

Hugs,
ErinBear

Thanks, Sky, I appreciate it....thanks for your message.

Take care,
ErinBear