[healed84]

the more I am in therapy the more I learn that I need to discover more things out about myself. I disclosed something t T last session that he has encouraged me to explore, in talking about my struggles with church he has encouraged me that I need to go on my own spirtual journey and find out what it is that I am looking forward. I Feel so selfish.

I feel so selfish because both of the things that T encourages me to explore will have a direct effect on my family, on my marriage, on everyone around me.

So, I feel like in one sense what I am learning in T is to be selfish..

anybody else feel this way, any suggestions for me?

When we're wrapped up in codependent families. It feels wrong to do what is entirely normal.

When we find our journey we are better able to be part of a family.

[granite1]

yup i totally understand this. i often feel unbelieveably selfish at times

[Anne2.0]

Not to put the "F" word out there unnecessarily, but many feminist writers have written about how the roles of wife and mother encourage women to put others first, at the cost of their own needs. I think much of my own therapy has revolved around feeling that it's not only okay, but necessary, for me to put myself first at times. To some extent, parenting is all about putting your kids' needs first, but that burden can be shared with one's spouse and it doesn't do irreparable harm for kids to be able to wait for what they need, in age appropriate ways.

I don't think of it as selfish. I think of it as balance, like a checkbook. There is a cost to always making withdrawals and never making deposits.

But on the religious piece of it, I am the spouse whose partner went on his own spiritual journey, with little thought of the blowback it would have on our marriage or our family. We went from going to services on the high holidays in the fall and hosting seders in the spring to doing none of these things together. I've bagged organized religion altogether and he goes to services with our son most Saturdays. It has taken a long time for me to find my peace with his fanaticism, because my beliefs clash with orthodoxy in pretty much every way, at very deep levels. At the same time, I think it is important to give your partner the space and time they need for their own journey, however much you might dislike what that journey is. That is part of loving someone, in my opinion, that you don't hold them back from growing.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

When we're wrapped up in codependent families. It feels wrong to do what is entirely normal.

When we find our journey we are better able to be part of a family.

this is how I feel too... its hard to know what is normal.

Rather than selfishness, I try to think of this as self-awareness, nuturing my "self", honoring my "self".

[Perna]

Originally Posted by healed84

I feel so selfish because both of the things that T encourages me to explore will have a direct effect on my family, on my marriage, on everyone around me.

But what is to say that effect will be negative? Think of it like Matthew 5:15?

"No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house."

Your exploring might shed more light for other people to see by.

[sconnie892]

Healed,
I had those selfish feelings in therapy too. So much so that I asked my pastor for some reading material because I felt therapy was so "me" focused. I still struggle with these feelings sometimes.

[wotchermuggle]

I feel like therapy is the most selfish thing I do in my life, so I can relate to that feeling of selfishness.

[WikidPissah]

I think it depends on how much selfishness it actually amounts too. It's okay to take care of yourself, and do things for yourself, but if it's at everyone else's expense it gets into the "selfish" reign. You have young children. As long as their needs are met, they are well loved and cared for, they are not neglected (which I know they aren't) then you aren't being selfish totally. You're a good mom Healed, I am sure you will find the balance.

[stopdog]

I don't think that taking care of one's self is selfish. There may be changes for everyone, but it may be those changes do not have to be interpreted as wrong, or negative or bad.

I can totally relate to this healed. As someone who always put everyone else first, learning to say no and learning that other peoples moods have nothing to do with me and it is not my job to make others happy; it feels weird to put myself first.

It feels weird for me to talk about myself for an hour because I am so quiet in real life and my mother always interupts me and tells me to be quiet that I just stopped talking about me or even to anyone because it felt wrong.

But we all go to therapy because we want to learn how to help ourselves so in a way we are not being selfish it is just self care something that most of us are not used to. So I try to think of it as helping ourself not selfishness. I think maybe we just need to alter our thoughts about it and try and be kinder to us.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by healed84

the more I am in therapy the more I learn that I need to discover more things out about myself. I disclosed something t T last session that he has encouraged me to explore, in talking about my struggles with church he has encouraged me that I need to go on my own spirtual journey and find out what it is that I am looking forward. I Feel so selfish.

I feel so selfish because both of the things that T encourages me to explore will have a direct effect on my family, on my marriage, on everyone around me.

So, I feel like in one sense what I am learning in T is to be selfish..

anybody else feel this way, any suggestions for me?

It is important to focus on yourself in therapy. My T is always saying, "Never mind them, what about you?"

[feralkittymom]

We all have needs. It's only when we deny them, or meet/ not meet them based upon value judgments that we get into trouble. Unmet needs have a way of finding their voice in unhealthy ways.

[CantExplain]

My experience is that only selfish people accuse me of being selfish.