[two sons]

Hi everyone,
I am very sorry, but there is no short version of this. So I apologize in advance for the long post.

I'm not sure where to begin. Well, my marriage (of 26 years) is really in a shambles. My husband is self employed and has been out of control financially for years. I basically shut my eyes and stay out of his business management, because it has been a huge point of contention for us and he will not listen to me anyway. Consequently, we are in a huge amount of debt that I cannot see ever getting out of. I have blindly signed anything he wanted me to sign - so it's my debt too.

I have always worked as an accountant and use my earnings to pay for our living expenses; we cannot depend on my husband providing any funds for living expenses.

Well, my tdoc and pdoc both have been telling me for several years to remove my husband's name from my checking account (and visa versa). We have 2 joint checking accounts - one for his business and one for living expenses. Numerous times, my husband has transferred funds out of "my" account to his without my knowledge. He continually operates with an overdrawn checking account (and I cannot handle this).

Now tdoc is really pressuring me to get this done. This past month or so has been very bad for my entire family due to my husband's irresponsible spending. It impacts all of us (including our two sons ages 18 and 20). Really I think we all four have been or are suicidal - it's very depressing.

Anyway, tdoc is giving me an ultimatum. I think he feels that ethically he cannot continue to work with me if I refuse to make any changes. He told me on Wednesday that he wants me to send an email to the bank (because I refuse to go in or call them) and ask how I can get my husband's name removed from my checking account. I just cannot do this. I cannot go against my husband, no matter what he has done to me indirectly due to his irresponsible spending. I think that if I do not send the email, tdoc will tell me there is nothing more he can do for me. This prospect terrifes me as I have come to depend on my weekly sessions - basically has kept me alive for 3-4 years.

We (my husband, me, 2 sons) are all spiralling in this depression and things are not good.

I don't know how all of you can help with this. It just seems like an impossible situation to me, and I want to give up totally.

Thanks for listening.
Kara

I don't think a Tdoc can force you to do anything. As far as the checking account is concerned your T probably feels that it is the best solution, however if you are NOT willing to do that then this may be an issue he cannot help you with. This doesn't mean he can't help you with other things. Are you expecting an ultimatum? You have a right to create boundaries of your own and one may be , T can't tell you what to do financially. You should discuss this with T as they may be feeling like they are banging their head against a brick wall, as its frustrating to help people who won't take logical action.

All he is asking you to do is send an email asking HOW you would go about getting his name off of your account. He is not saying you have to actually take his name off of the account.

I'm an attorney, not a therapist, but I can see a professional not wanting to work with someone who will not do anything to improve their situation. I have "fired" clients for that before. I give them advice; they refuse to follow the advice because they "can't." The reality is they won't. Bad stuff happens and then they want me to fix it or they blame me for not stopping the disaster. Your T cannot force you to do anything, but he can set his own boundary of not continuing therapy with you just to watch you drop further and further into the abyss because you "can't" do anything to take control of your life and stop the free fall.

Why not just take this one tiny step of sending the email? What do you have to lose? Your H does not have to know, and you do not have to actually take him off yet.

[two sons]

Thanks LolaCabanna and My Kids Are Cool.
I am thinking and reading your responses. So I guess my fear is that if I send the email, what if my husband finds out. He will be absolutely furious with me. I've threatened this many times, but never did anything about it.

Chances are he won't , however if he does..maybe he will start to take you more seriously. He isn't abusive is he?

[anilam]

I think (and this is just my oppinion) that a T can decide to stop working with you anytime he feels that he can't help you anymore, your session are too demanding on him...Yes he has some professional commitment towards you. However, his well being must remain his prime concern.

I am not sure what your relationship with your husband is like. With mine, I would tell him ahead of time. Explain his spending was out of control, the debt was too large, and you have discussed with him many times. Tell him plainly that the money you make supports you both and your sons, and because he moves money without your permission, you are INVESTIGATING the possibility of taking his name off of the account. No threatening. No arguing. Simply explain the problems, that you have discussed it with him and because he will not listen to you, you have to take action to protect you, your sons, AND him.

But as Lola mentioned, if he's abusive, that would change things considerably.

[TheWell]

Two, I agree with your doc. Your money situation is destroying all of you, you have the power to make it better yet you refuse to do it because your husband will be mad? How about you being mad that he's spending you all into depression? How about your kids being mad that their dad is so financially irresponsible that they are miserable?

You can change these things but you don't want to. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it is harsh. If you can't remove your husband from your existing account go to the bank and open a new account in just your name and put your money there.

Only you can change your life.

OH, you know what you could do? You could get a NEW account! Stop your automatic deposition, if you have. Just take your next available check and go to a different bank and start a new account without his name on it!

[two sons]

You all have such helpful suggestions and I really do thank you. No my husband is not physically abusive, but mentally he is. For example, on Tuesday, he called me crying and threatening suicide because he was overdrawn - convinced me to transfer funds to his account.

After reading your responses, I did email the bank to ask what is involved in removing our names from each other's checking. And to satisfy tdoc, I blind copied him in on the email.

I like the idea of setting up my own account somewhere else. I'm not sure why I never thought of that, but I really appreciate the idea.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by two sons

After reading your responses, I did email the bank to ask what is involved in removing our names from each other's checking. And to satisfy tdoc, I blind copied him in on the email.

I like the idea of setting up my own account somewhere else. I'm not sure why I never thought of that, but I really appreciate the idea.

Good for you!! If the bank requires you to call them to make changes to your account, maybe your T would be willing to let you do that during a session? I know when I've been struggling with making phone calls or sending emails, my T suggests that I just take a few minutes during the session to do so. It's so much easier with T's support!

[two sons]

Rhi,
Calling from tdoc's office is a good idea too. Even sending this email to the bank makes me feel like crying forever.

Kara

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by two sons

I cannot go against my husband, no matter what he has done to me indirectly due to his irresponsible spending.

It seems like there are two issues here, and the first is why you won't take the healthy step of protecting your money from your husband's reckless spending.

I don't know why you have to see this as a situation where you are doing something "against" him, as opposed to you are doing something for yourself and for your sons. Perhaps MKAC's suggestion to open a new account is more in line with this perspective, and this is why you are doing it.

But taking a step to keep yourself and your children emotionally and financially safe is not AGAINST him. It is FOR you and your family. It is even for your husband, to protect him from himself. It is not as if you are putting a bullet in his head or kicking him out of the house. It is like taking away the lighter he keeps using to set your house on fire.

The second issue is that I would definitely be upset at my T telling me that he might not be able to work with me anymore. But every professional has their limits and if he can't work with you effectively, ethics suggests that he shouldn't.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

Good for you!! If the bank requires you to call them to make changes to your account, maybe your T would be willing to let you do that during a session? I know when I've been struggling with making phone calls or sending emails, my T suggests that I just take a few minutes during the session to do so. It's so much easier with T's support!

I have done this. Or waited to listen to voicemails until I get to t. It is so much better with t.

[ThisWayOut]

Most banks will take action in person with both of you there. It's a liability thing for them so they can make sure no one is stealing any money from the other. Though you can take your own name off of an account without him being there. You may be betterfoff just opening another account in your own name.
I think a second step would be to make sure your husband cannot threaten you into transferring more money. From an outside standpoint, I would suggest offering to call emergency services for him if the money situation is so bad that be feels the need to kill himself over it. I know how difficult this can be to even think about, but having him do the same thing again would negate having a separate account. It also is emotional abuse. You need to take care of yourself and your kids and your husband... (hugs) neons of this sounds remotely easy.

[WePow]

Do what you must do to be safe. I also like the idea of you having an account with no legal ties to him.