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  #76  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 12:22 PM
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jenluv jenluv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Syra View Post
I don't assume that. I know it can happen. It happened to me. In very similar fashion. the therapist didn't own her feelings. The therapist blamed me for things I don't think were true and wouldn't discuss it. The therapist put me in a box that I didn't like, and then when I wouldn't go in the box ended discussions. Some therapists don't do their own work, and are in it for the wrong reasons. I'm sorry this happened.
What Syra has described is what I have experienced as well. He said, specifically, "If you need to be angry in therapy then you be angry. It's my job to contain it." But he didn't. He decided that my anger was my being combative and that there was no point in discussing things any further -- that we wouldn't get anywhere. The reason we wouldn't get anywhere is because he wouldn't hear me and own his own crap. Instead he said he would talk to me when it wasn't a "blame (name of t)" session.

Turns out he actually WAS doing therapy incorrectly for my condition (CPTSD). My current therapist is aware that this prior T relationship was actually retraumatizing. And gaslighting? Yeah -- that, exactly!
Thanks for this!
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  #77  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 03:50 PM
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Quote:
Turns out he actually WAS doing therapy incorrectly for my condition (CPTSD). My current therapist is aware that this prior T relationship was actually retraumatizing
Yikes!!!!!Awful email response from T
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  #78  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 03:57 PM
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rainbow8 rainbow8 is offline
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I am SO sorry it ended this way, Torn. I don't know what to say so I will just give you lots of hugs! I hope you're still reading, but it not, I understand your need to stay away.
Thanks for this!
Lamplighter
  #79  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 06:14 PM
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Lamplighter Lamplighter is offline
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Thanks for all the good wishes and hugs, you guys have really helped.

Couldn't not thank you but not capable of saying much else at the moment, hope to be back sometime soon though.

Thank you
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  #80  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 10:05 PM
learning1 learning1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Torn Mind View Post
Learning you needn't have been so sensitive to my sensibilities after all as of my session yesterday I am now once again without a T .

What can I say, I'm feeling totally devastated and reeling from the about face she made on her second email response. The first email from her that I originally posted here really did reflect more accurately what was going on in her mind.

You know I could have put up with all her interruptions and incessant irrelevant talking, I could have put up with her clinical coldness, her detachment, her total lack of compassion, the absence of all empathy, her superficial CBT approach - all for the sake of having my anger heard and validated, that was and is always my chief need that I seek to get met in therapy. And a clinical detached po faced 'professional' seemed the perfect candidate for not taking personally anger from a client. Appearances and protestations of professionalism deceive, as ever...

She pulled the rug on that completely yesterday. She set conditions and expectations on me that made it impossible for me to continue in therapy with her - it ceased to be 'therapy' in the moment she set out her demands of me.

For a big part of the session (in amongst really negative stuff related to other issues) she judged and criticized my 2 emails to her this week as extremely critical and highly destructive and therefore unacceptable . Ironically she later said the first email (which in my eyes was a very reasonable and reasoned and not at all angry email) was very critical, but the second one which I thought was critical because I didn't censor my anger in it, was not critical . This after spending half the session repeating ad infinitum how critical they both were .

And to really put a few more knives in she labelled the very first email I'd sent her several weeks ago outlining what I'd thought had gone wrong in a particular session - at her request I might add, she's the one who was adamant that I send her an email to warn her of any bad feelings or issues I had with a session - as equally highly critical and highly destructive . WTF? Talk about holding grudges and being dishonest and inconsistent - I felt really betrayed at that bit, if she'd found it so 'highly critical and destructive' weeks ago why didn't she talk to me about it at the time?????? Trust stopped even thinking about peeking into this therapy after that undermining backstab. And I might add, not once did she take responsibility for this being about HER feelings vis a vis my emails, she just continually repeated that they and I were extremely critical and highly destructive .

For what it's worth, and I know there will be many here who will automatically assume that because the T has judged my emails as critical then they must be, they were not. SHE experienced them as critical, though they were predominantly about ME and MY FEELINGS - she took them personally, and that was very evident from what she said and read out to me from her written but unsent response to my first email this week. Therapy was becoming more about her all the time and less about me

The bottom line was that she said that I must from now on express my feelings to her 'constructively'. Which totally destroys the foundation of my being in therapy in the first place - I'm actually very good at behaving like a good little girl in the real world and have done so all my life, it's the pattern I'm trying to break - and completely destroyed all faith and trust and respect I might have been nurturing for her. She demanded that I behave in a manner more acceptable to her and that if I didn't she wouldn't work with me. All the time telling me that I would be making a mistake if I 'quit'. So covering her own back actually, a sneaky ploy indeed, saying on the one hand, but I'm not quitting on you (this to maintain her ego image of being a therapist who 'never gives up' to quote her own oft repeated words to me from early in the therapy) but on the other hand setting out personal demands that make it impossible for me to continue...

I tell you what, I don't pay someone seventy quid an hour to kowtow to their emotional expectations or to make them feel good or to accede to their demands and expectations of how I should behave, feel and think in order to make life easy and comfortable for them. I am torn between absolute rage at how this woman has screwed me over emotionally, and profound desolation at having been made to experience myself once again as unhuman, unacceptable and fit only for rejection because of my angry feelings.

Talk about repetition compulsion - I keep bringing my anger to therapists like a pathetic puppy growling over a huge bone pleading with them to accept it and me and not take it personally, and it feels like they promise the earth and then they turn around and say that bone is ugly and offensive and too big, you are not allowed to bring it in anymore...

Well actually, thank god for my anger because it allows me now to say to them go **** yourselves.

Sorry PC I won't be around very much for a bit - firstly it just upsets me unbearably to be around people with a therapist when I'm out in the wilderness again, and secondly because I just feel so completely overwhelmed with despair right now at being the agent of my own rejection and pain because of who I am, that I need time to try and deal with all of the horribly conflicting stuff coming out of this last therapy, and I'm going to be hard pushed to be supportive of anyone right now...
I understand not wanting to be around PC for a bit Torn. It was and still is hard for me to read about people having a great relationship with a therapist, or even people having faith in therapy- advising to trust the therapist or whatever- after my experience. I'm surprised to read how many people had a therapist tell them to express their anger and then get stabbed for doing it, or not guessing how to do it the way the therapist wanted. That's part of what happened with me too. So I'm thinking I better be careful trusting that part of what a t may say in the future.

"desolation at having been made to experience myself once again as unhuman, unacceptable and fit only for rejection"... I know what that's like and I'm sorry. I don't know what to say about it but it makes me think the whole trust your therapist thing is really bad for some of us. I am about to try again but I'm not hoping for as much.

I wish I understood what your looking for in therapy better- something about anger at the t but not about the t, based out of something you were legitimately angry at an adult for when you were a kid, I think... it sounds similar to me in that I have a pretty good idea of what I want out of therapy... but it is probably not a good time to get into discussing what you wanted out of therapy.

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Thanks for this!
Lamplighter
  #81  
Old Feb 23, 2013, 02:32 AM
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CantExplain CantExplain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Torn Mind View Post
The one thing I haven't been 'allowed' to do up to now, is express my anger at them (been terminated for less!)
I'm sorry to hear that. You should feel free to express anger.
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  #82  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 11:32 AM
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Lamplighter Lamplighter is offline
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Sorry to bump this thread from whichever page it's ended up on but I just wanted to update quickly and say thanks for the hugs and support.

I'm feeling both supported and pretty gobsmacked at the number of people who've had equally negative experiences with therapists not accepting their anger. From my own experience I think it's a major failing in therapy generally, understandable but not ok in terms of healing from emotional problems.

I'm feeling half way ok right now because I've lined up an appointment with a new psychologist tomorrow. He may not be able to help me but while I have hope I feel human again hence reading PC in the interim. Hope to catch up with a few threads while I'm feeling slightly better.

Learning I'll send you a PM, if that's ok, rather than carry on on this thread.

I'm also considering starting a thread about anger in therapy, but that all depends on how tomorrow's meeting goes. I'm still really struggling big time and am not holding my breath that I'm going to suddenly find a T who can do what umpteen others before him haven't managed to do.

Torn
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  #83  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 11:34 AM
anonymous112713
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Good Luck Torn.... the T for you is out there.
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  #84  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 10:09 PM
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CantExplain CantExplain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Torn Mind View Post
She’s not big on taking responsibility for her part in ruptures in therapy, there’s always a defence or an explanation or at best an I’m sorry IF…
That's one of my complaints against my therapist. One of the reasons I'm quitting.
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  #85  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 10:48 PM
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skysblue skysblue is offline
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I believe a T should let us express ALL emotions. That's what makes therapy THE safe place. My T has accepted my anger - she even accepted a poem I wrote to her/about her called, "I Hate You".

Are you going to ask in the interview how the therapist will accept all emotions and will you also share your previous experiences with therapists and their inability to help you in this way?
Thanks for this!
Lamplighter
  #86  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 11:03 PM
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~EnlightenMe~ ~EnlightenMe~ is offline
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(((((((Torn))))))))))
Keeping you in my thoughts. I hope things go well tomorrow!
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  #87  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 11:15 PM
learning1 learning1 is offline
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Torn, yes, you're welcome to send a PM. (I don't always log in everyday but I have been lately)
Thanks for this!
Lamplighter
  #88  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 01:51 AM
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CantExplain CantExplain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elliemay View Post
One thing that kind of strikes me here is that you seem to be working yourself up a bit. I call it "kitchen sinking". It's when one thing happens - a poorly worded email for instance - and then this one thing calls in to question the entire relationship. Everything but the kitchen sink gets added on.
That's one way to look at it. Here's another. I'll use myself as an example.

I've been very dissatisfied for my T for a long time but I don't understand why. Then I get an email that hits all the triggers. Suddenly I have words for how I feel.

Now that one email might be innocuous in itself, but it's the straw that breaks the camel's back, opens the floodgates, lifts the scales from my eyes etc.
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  #89  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 03:48 AM
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CantExplain CantExplain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Torn Mind View Post
Learning you needn't have been so sensitive to my sensibilities after all as of my session yesterday I am now once again without a T .
((Torn))

Oh Torn! How awful. I'm so sorry.

((Torn))
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Add that to your tattoo, Baby!
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  #90  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 06:01 AM
Anonymous32825
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Torn,

I was told by my childhood T (when I went back a few months ago to see if I could be her client again and how well we connected, or DIDN'T) about how hostile I was being to her and that it was her practice and she wasn't going to "stand for it"....some of it was real anger, wow, maybe we should explore it?? Duh.
Other times I was really just being quite sarcastic as I had with a past T who had been sarcastic too and thought it was funny.
And then sometimes she got ticked off because she was angry about something I told her had happened, and I wasn't...so she was trying to project that on to me and would tell me I should be angry about it. Ok, so then you can think I am hostile again if I am really angry???
I gave up on her and am with my other T still, for now.
I am so sorry that T treated you so badly. You deserve so much more. I hope your appt goes (or went) well.
Thanks for this!
Lamplighter
  #91  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 06:43 AM
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elliemay elliemay is offline
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Why are you so angry?

I really do hope things go well with the psychologist today. You will be in my thoughts.

I hope you can find some peace.
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Lamplighter
  #92  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 02:51 PM
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Lamplighter Lamplighter is offline
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Thank you so much again everyone for your support and understanding .

I'd really like to reply individually but feeling rather rubbish right now, as my meeting with the potential new P this morning was a bit of a fiasco, and he's not able to help me anyway .

So I'm lying low in the interim to lick my wounds and think seriously about what to do next.

Thanks again all .

Torn
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Somebody must have made a false accusation against Josef K, for he was arrested one morning without having done anything wrong. (The Trial, Franz Kafka)


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