[Kacey2]

Hi,
I know that I have not been around here in a long time but I know that there still are a few of you around here that know a little bit about me and I wanted to share some really great news. Some of you might remember that last year I had to get 80 stitches in my arms due to self-injury. I did continue with DBT therapy and happy to say that I finally graduated!! Yea! I have also had my scars professionally lasered 5 or 6 times. It did help but they are still distinct. Well, recently I had some cosmetic surgery and when my surgeon saw them, it gave me the courage to talk to him about them. Actually I emailed him... too vulnerable. He said that he could fix them for me by removing the skin and pulling it all together to make one big longitudinal scar on both arms. I would still have a scar but not one that was so obvious self harm. I will have to do it twice I guess, once the new scar heals half way he will do it again. I asked him about insurance covering and he said there was no way that my insurance would cover this so he is doing it for free basically. I just have to pay for the cost of the materials he uses. Oh my gosh, I am so in love........ I am so very happy. I burst into tears when he told me that.

I feel like this is such a turning point for me. I am done with DBT and still doing weekly individual therapy sessions. I haven't cut in over a year. When I had my first surgery they worked so well with me and my anxiety. I have never been treated so nice at a medical facility before and my Dr. said he wasn't going to pull the plug because my anxiety was so high. He said we would take it one step at a time and they did. It was so great. Now I can't believe this about my arms. What a dream come true! How can a girl be so lucky? - this is my heart bursting with gratefullness!

[stopdog]

That is good to hear.

[CantExplain]

Wonderful news!

[Asiablue]

Lovely to hear about the kindness of others, gives me faith in the human race. Great news for you too Kacey, so happy you are doing well.

Kacey, so glad you are doing well. I'm happy to hear you sound so happy.

[karebear1]

That is really, really wonderful for you Kacey. I'm so happy to hear the relief and happy tone in your post.

Thank you for sharing your good news!!

[unaluna]

Wow that sounds all so wonderful. I'm really happy for you. It's so nice to run into such a nice Dr. I love my dermatologist too.

[Anne2.0]

I am happy for you that this medical angel has appeared to help you with something so difficult. You deserve the help, and the happiness, of these positive events. I hope things continue to go well for you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

Hi,
I know that I have not been around here in a long time but I know that there still are a few of you around here that know a little bit about me and I wanted to share some really great news. Some of you might remember that last year I had to get 80 stitches in my arms due to self-injury. I did continue with DBT therapy and happy to say that I finally graduated!! Yea! I have also had my scars professionally lasered 5 or 6 times. It did help but they are still distinct. Well, recently I had some cosmetic surgery and when my surgeon saw them, it gave me the courage to talk to him about them. Actually I emailed him... too vulnerable. He said that he could fix them for me by removing the skin and pulling it all together to make one big longitudinal scar on both arms. I would still have a scar but not one that was so obvious self harm. I will have to do it twice I guess, once the new scar heals half way he will do it again. I asked him about insurance covering and he said there was no way that my insurance would cover this so he is doing it for free basically. I just have to pay for the cost of the materials he uses. Oh my gosh, I am so in love........ I am so very happy. I burst into tears when he told me that.

I feel like this is such a turning point for me. I am done with DBT and still doing weekly individual therapy sessions. I haven't cut in over a year. When I had my first surgery they worked so well with me and my anxiety. I have never been treated so nice at a medical facility before and my Dr. said he wasn't going to pull the plug because my anxiety was so high. He said we would take it one step at a time and they did. It was so great. Now I can't believe this about my arms. What a dream come true! How can a girl be so lucky? - this is my heart bursting with gratefullness!

fantastic news casey... an idea in case you dont want to go through two surgeries.... I had many self injury scars and suicidal scars on my arms and wrists. I didnt want to go through the surgeries and laser treatments so I went with tattoo. my wife and I sat down with a tattoo artist and we developed a very beautiful tattoos that would span my whole arm but mostly blend in with my normal skin tone.

Kacey,,,, so glad you came back to post about your experience.
i hate my scars, but i now look at them as part of the pain i had to go through....

sounds like you found a keeper in a dr.!!!!

sending safe hugs for your continued journey!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

fantastic news casey... an idea in case you dont want to go through two surgeries.... I had many self injury scars and suicidal scars on my arms and wrists. I didnt want to go through the surgeries and laser treatments so I went with tattoo. my wife and I sat down with a tattoo artist and we developed a very beautiful tattoos that would span my whole arm but mostly blend in with my normal skin tone.

Ummm... I think I'd rather have the surgery!

[Kacey2]

Oh Wow Guys, thanks for all the encouragement and responses. I wish I would have gotten on here and looked sooner. I really didn't expect anyone to remember me enough to want to write back to me so this was a nice surprise!

I met with my plastic surgeon yesterday for a follow up on my last surgery and to assess the arms and talk about how to treat them. It was so hard to talk about. I almost cried. It was the whole biting my lip to focus on that pain and trying to prevent the tears. It was/is just really vulnerable.

He did ask me if I was going to do it again and I replied with this; "I knew you were going to ask me that Dr. H and I would love to tell you no Dr. H I will never do this again but I can't. Here is what I can tell you, The fact that I have had so many times of slipping into 'not reality' (a term that is easier than psychosis) my psychiatrisst says the probability of that happening again is not just very high it is more accurately a given. I can tell you that I have had a lot of therapy and skill building classes and the hope is that when that comes around again I will be equipped with skills I need and I will ask for help. I also comply with a hefty coctail of medications and the pharmacy even puts them in bubble packs so I remember to take them. He said that was the best answer I could give him because it showed that I put some thought into giving him an honest reply.

He really does like me an awful lot. He gave me a hug when he first came in the rooms and said,"There's my favorite patient."

Ok so about the surgical stuff. He said that we had options and they were to either cut a big chunk of my skin out and then sew the surrounding tissue back together to not make it look like distinct cutting scars. He would have to repeat this two times on each spot that he did. The second option would be to do a skin graft by harvesting tissue from my public area like where they do c section scars and after cutting out the skin on my arms attaching the skin grafts there. The first option he could just do with mild sedation and local anesthetic and it could be done in a procedure room where they do minor surgeries. The other he would have to use twighligt sedation and we would have to go back to the OR.

Right now the plan is that we will start with the cutting out the scars and make new ones. If that doesn't go well or he doesn't think it is going to work very well, we will proceed to skin grafting. I am going in next Tuesday and I will be getting some sedation first to take the edge off. I will keep you posted. Thank you to everyone that supported me with replies, thanks, and hugs. I will let you know how it goes.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

The second option would be to do a skin graft by harvesting tissue from my public area like where they do c section scars and after cutting out the skin on my arms attaching the skin grafts there.

((Kacey))

Wow! That sounds pretty serious. And it would give you yet another set of scars.

Do you have any skin to spare down there?

[Anne2.0]

I cannot even begin to tell you how impressive you are to be courageous enough to even have that ability to deal with trying to physically heal the scars for your past. And you add on top of that having this kind of conversation with a physician and the thought that has to go into it.

Your ability to just get in there and confront this head on rather than running away or avoiding it is really inspirational. I also think that the way you are talking about the possibility of relapse and your ability/power to change your response from an unhealthy one to a healthy one is absolutely right on. It is true that we cannot control how we feel-- whether it is that swirl of depression, flush of anxiety, or what you call "not reality." But you are illustrating what our T's often call "changing our response." We can learn how to recognize the signs that it is coming or here and make different choices to how we respond to whatever is plaguing us. Thus the value of learning skills, be it mindfulness or whatever assortment or array of things ground us, and we can ask for help.

I am really grateful for you sharing you story with us and I wish you the best as you move forward. I really appreciate the opportunity to see how far you've come and admire everything you've accomplished. It helps remind me that I CAN do these things in my own life, too.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I cannot even begin to tell you how impressive you are to be courageous enough to even have that ability to deal with trying to physically heal the scars for your past. And you add on top of that having this kind of conversation with a physician and the thought that has to go into it.

Your ability to just get in there and confront this head on rather than running away or avoiding it is really inspirational. I also think that the way you are talking about the possibility of relapse and your ability/power to change your response from an unhealthy one to a healthy one is absolutely right on. It is true that we cannot control how we feel-- whether it is that swirl of depression, flush of anxiety, or what you call "not reality." But you are illustrating what our T's often call "changing our response." We can learn how to recognize the signs that it is coming or here and make different choices to how we respond to whatever is plaguing us. Thus the value of learning skills, be it mindfulness or whatever assortment or array of things ground us, and we can ask for help.

I am really grateful for you sharing you story with us and I wish you the best as you move forward. I really appreciate the opportunity to see how far you've come and admire everything you've accomplished. It helps remind me that I CAN do these things in my own life, too.

Oh Anne2.0.... If I could reach through my computer and wrap my arms around you I would give you the biggest hug. Thank you so much. Your post really meant a lot to me. The greatest thing is that I can really see how much healthier I am now too. I can not believe how ill my mind really was and now I am so so much better. So much stronger. I have never felt more secure than I do right now. I am not going to think about what and when my mind will short circuit. I am just living in the moment. I have worked so hard. Years of therapy; Knock down drag out fights with my t, 72 hour holds, tased by police when I was psychotic. Horrible, horrible stuff and many of you have heard all about my struggles as they were happening and encouraged, supported, and challanged me. I am so grateful for all of you guys that have hung in there with me.

Dealing with my scars has been really hard. I cried all day on Thursday. I couldn't stop for anything. I think I was greiving all those dark painful times. I will see t tomorrow and talk about it and then Tuesday is my big day. I hope I can hold it together. Yikes!

CE- you're too funny. Yes, it is going to hurt if we need to do skin grafts. I don't have extra down there but they just scrape off your skin not any fat or muscle. I am hoping for a scar revision though. We are going to try that first.

I emailed my surgeon and asked him if he was going to take care of me on Tuesday. And he replied that he was going to take GREAT care of me! He is such a keeper. I am going to have sedation and he said it will be all numb and it won't hurt at all.

I will keep posting about this as it unfolds. I have to process this somewhere, it is just too big to hold on to myself and of course not many people in my life are people that understand this stuff. Yes, they see the scars and will see the changes but it is just one of those things that does not get talked about. Thank you Anne! Thank you to all of my PC pals that have supported me through out my journey to wellness. I am off and running! KC

[CantExplain]

So they take some layers of skin but leave enough behind to keep growing without leaving a scar?

Skin grafting has come a long way.

[~EnlightenMe~]

((Kacey))

I am so happy for you! I am also glad that you have come so far. Keep us posted.

Very happy for you.... it will be nice not to see reminders of the past.

[Kacey2]

Well I just came back from t appointment and t and I are both doing a reading assignment; The Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown and we were supposed to discuss the next chapter but t asked first if there was anything I wanted to talk about first so of course I was like, Yes!

I updated him on my last appointment with my surgeon and what we had discussed and what the plan was and then of course the tears came and we talked about what the tears were for. I talked about how there is so many sad times and these scars are a constant reminder of those. We talked about all the past su attempts and horrible hospitalizations and how I never wanted to talk about it but in fact they really were traumatic.

I told him that when I first began therapy with him I would look at him and think to myself, "I wonder if he knows that I am going to kill myself?" It was a certain thing, it wasn't if, it was when. I did infact have two very near death attempts in my course of treatment with him, not to mention those before. He said it was a miracle that I was alive and it wasn't for the lack of trying I put into dying.

We talked about my feelings of heartsinking despair and that there is no words to describe that at the moment you have decided to take your own life. I told him I was angry, actually outraged for that girl that was hurting for so long and I can't understand why no one stepped in for her. He said he doesn't know why either and we can talk about it but we may never know why. He said that people may just have wanted me to be quiet, but that is not a kind thing to do because clearly I had a lot to say.

I told him thank you for getting in the trenches with me. He said it was a lot of work for both of us. I said it was a miracle. He cried. I cried. He encouraged me to validate the despair but not add shame to it.To not be ashamed of that girl. I said we will have to work on that. I talked about how I feel so strong now, I am in school and doing really well. I am eating right and exercising, I have friends, I feel competent in areas of my life that I hadn't before. I described a moment of connection I had last week and that it made me hopeful that I can continue to connect with people and not isolate myself. He cried again at that. I am at a different place and when I worry about what may come I tell myself that you can't step into the same stream twice.

Finally when we were wrapping up I asked him how I was going to get through tomorrow. I said I was going to work hard at being in the moment but I was scared that I was going to cry. He asked what would happen if I did cry and he affirmed he thought I would. I told him I would be embarrassed. He asked what the tears would say. I told him they would be sad for what was and so very grateful for what is now. He said that was perfect and how could you not cry over that. And he cried again. He told me not to worry and he said that my doctor obviously cares very much about me and he is not going to judge me for crying. He said that it is safe to be vulnerable there tomorrow. ............... I think I am ready. Anyone want to come with me for support? I have never asked for a pocket rider before. I am so scared, I am so sad, I am so happy, and I am so excited........I'm ready.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

I think I am ready. Anyone want to come with me for support? I have never asked for a pocket rider before. I am so scared, I am so sad, I am so happy, and I am so excited........I'm ready.

You are ready, and I am in your pocket. I will pass along to you the strength I borrowed when I had minor surgery in the fall-- I don't need it right now.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

I think I am ready. Anyone want to come with me for support? I have never asked for a pocket rider before. I am so scared, I am so sad, I am so happy, and I am so excited........I'm ready.

That was a really wonderful session and I feel privileged to have read it. Count me in.

Kacey I remember you. I am so proud of how much you've grown. You are a brave woman and should be very proud of yourself! You give me hope by sharing your story. Thank you for that. I will gladly be a pocket rider if you'll have me.

[elliemay]

I'm in your pocket. It's so nice when someone looks at those scars without judgement.