Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear T,

I've been cutting, you check my wrists and tell me I'm telling lies, yet you haven't even thought about looking at my thighs......

You help me to be better by simply being there when I need you. You don't even have to say anything. Just being there is enough.

help me not be me anymore, please

I need to see you more. But I don't want to ask you because I don't know how and I'm afraid you will say no.

Dear T,

Guess what?? Tonight I made an impact and it was so liberating! It wasn't in the way i thought it had to be or what i imagined, but it was what i needed it to be. I felt strong but not in a wrong way....It felt good. Thanks for pushing me because I think as much as it caused me to get so uncomfortable and upset and to push you away yesterday, it was probably what I needed.

T, how do you know these things?? Maybe I should try trusting you more, eh?

What is the point of giving me the "emergency" phone number if no one is there to answer it? I know you have a life, T. And I hate that I feel so clingy, but I need you. I wish you had talked me out of cancelling my appointment yesterday. Haven't you realized by now that I don't know anything? Please call me back.

New T,

So on fridays, since this has happened twice and obviously there will be more, you seem to check your schedule and realize you can't see me at what you referred to last session as our "normal" time...and on our normal day. So then you give me other options to pick from and they usually all kinda suck and I end up feeling disappointed...then annoyed at myself because you gave me plenty of notice, so I shouldn't feel disappointed. I don't know if it's just about trust? My other T has been a royal PITA about my session times, so I guess that doesn't help. Oh just...blech.

This is shoddy of your T and I think anyone would feel the same. I think it's really important to have a standing appointment and your T should ASK, not TELL you, if they want to move it.

Well, he called Friday morning and said he needed to change my Tuesday afternoon time, thus why I feel silly about it (lots of notice)...but its the second Friday morning he has changed the "normal" time, so I wonder if he schedules w/out thinking and if I even HAVE this normal time.
He listed some options for me on my vm...he gave me a time on Wed (which I took) as an option and two on Thursday, but then I am seeing my pdoc Thursday and DO I think there is such a thing as too much therapy in a day! He also said if there were another time I might need instead of his options to let him know.
So I think he was probably as flexible as he could be...which is why I feel stupid about complaining. I just wonder what happens Friday mornings when he calls and changes my time. Again, it's only happened twice but its been the exact same time he has realized he needed to change it. I am wondering if it's a couple trying to schedule and they can only make it during my scheduled appt time or something? Anyway, thanks!

T1: I love you!

T2: Thank you for being understanding. It was really great of you that we were able to negotiate something

Just because I was a mental case 15 years ago, doesn't mean I am one now. I want to tell you about some of that stuff but I don't want you to think I'm still that way!

Dear T:

Today, I had to find a multitude of reasons. Because, with my status in life, children that I do love dearly, and perhaps a glimmer of hope at a better life, I needed to stop from thinking that way.
Knowing that one side effect.. Knowing that I cannot miss work.
I feel, online support groups(not this one) are destroying me, on the inside. One claimed, just a couple months ago, that I was creating mayhem. This other one, which, where am I supposed to go for my neurological support??---says, I am close to being considered, um...let's say..You don't Look like you have MS. (an expression people with my illness hear a lot, insert sound for look, and maybe you'll get what term is being used) These rejections, and I know I don't have a personality disorder, and am rather uni-polar, still hurt!
I am not treated like this in real life. I am kind and sweet and quiet and shy and I cannot believe I am going through this, through a blasted, bloody computer screen.
As if, life wasn't hard enough.

I feel like slicing my wrists.

I wish I could describe my feelings to you better. I also wish we could be friends and hang out.

I don't want to abandon my daughters.

Dear T, you keep telling me that things seem to be getting better but its because I don't know how to explain to you what's going on. I had a panic attack yesterday for no reason at all. I was just sitting at home and I started shaking and trembling. I got all jittery and I felt like nothing I could do could stop it. Felt so tired yesterday. Now I'm really worried about next week and I feel like the coping strategies you gave me aren't going to work. You tell me everything I hear is imagined because sometimes my brain makes us think its real when its not but I don't know how to explain how crazy it's been. You asked me the last session why I was so afraid and I told you I don't know. Truth is, its not that I didn't know, it was that I didn't know how to explain to you that I really thought people were trying to make my life difficult so that I'd drop out. I couldn't tell you that I didn't trust you because I thought they had found out about me going to see you and I didn't know if I could tell you everything and still feel safe. I really hope its like what you say and things are getting better but I can't deny that I'm not afraid it'll happen again.

I'm relapsing!

Dear T,

Tonight I'm thinking of you and how I'm going to handle things at work......life has been so unfair to me. You and SHE have just compounded everything. How can people, who appear to be "nice" be so cruel on the inside?? I don't know what I'm going to do next. It's hard to sleep.

T1: thanks for replying to my email. I know u seem so formal but that's probably because you are being cautious.

Dear T,

I woke up missing you /: what is that all about? I wish I could tell you the way I experience therapy and how I feel about you. I wish I could give you the full story of what I've been through as I know it, with no hesitation or difficulty getting the words out. I feel more and more inauthentic every week when I'm gaining new insight or learning something but can't share it with you. It makes me sad, T. I want you to know me but I put a wall up and make you guess around and put you in an awkward position. I guess I just don't do therapy well

Dear Ex-T,

I know I shouldn't have done that and now I pissed you off even if you have SERIOUS mood swings, jesus.
And I don't want to mail you this letter tomorrow.
Because then...that's it. It's over.

Dear T
I can't do it. You don't know what you have asked me to do. The line between pain and pleasure is too fine.

Please don't retire yet.

I'm going to lose my job if I don't stop this BS. Why the F do I procrastinate like this? I have the time, I have the ability and yet this is the crap I pull. Then of course, I turn my work in late and often make mistakes. I can't do it all on Monday but I have to try. <<< and of course that's me procrastinating AGAIN when I should be working RIGHT NOW!!!! I hate myself.