My next T

CantExplain · Feb 26, 2013, 01:39 AM

Time to start thinking about my next T. I have a shopping list. The essence is that he should be as unlike my current T as possible.

1. Male
2. Skills based
3. Structured exercises
4. Coddling
5. No blank slate

And it would really be nice if he was cheap enough to see twice a week.

Wren_ · Feb 26, 2013, 02:09 AM

That's great you are thinking about itCE! I was wondering whether you would consider a male t

Anne2.0 · Feb 26, 2013, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

4. Coddling

I think it is excellent to be thinking about qualities in a new therapist. I do hope, though, that you don't spend all your money on first sessions for a bunch of therapists, until you can find one who will agree to coddle you. I'm not sure coddling is part of the official work of therapists, and it might be (although I really don't know) that it's against therapeutic principles. But good luck with it and I hope it turns out well.

WikidPissah · Feb 26, 2013, 07:34 AM

Good luck CE.

However I too think coddling might be a bit of a stretch.

Feb 26, 2013, 08:48 AM

Good luck can't explain

I am delighted that you have such clarity about what YOU need for YOU

stopdog · Feb 26, 2013, 08:54 AM

Coddling- a boy can dream. I hope you get some CE if that is what you want.

Feb 26, 2013, 09:37 AM

Good Luck CE.... but from what I know of you, I don't see you working with a male T very long and coddling is probably just a dream.

BlessedRhiannon · Feb 26, 2013, 10:24 AM

Good luck CE! Just from my experience, though, you will probably have a hard time finding a T that is both skills based and coddling. The two don't go together very well.

unaluna · Feb 26, 2013, 11:00 AM

So define coddling. Cuz I would say yeah my t coddles me. Literally and figuratively. No conflict, or very little. The only conflict was what I brought in. I remember asking when I first started seeing him, "why aren't you yelling at me?" He said he didn't believe in it.

My recommendation would be to look at child and adolescent psychologists (like mine) and/or Asperger specIalists. I also commend the no blank slate. Current T was my first t to disclose in a local magazine article I read the reason he became a t - none of the other Ts on the article even gave a hint.

Feb 26, 2013, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Time to start thinking about my next T. I have a shopping list. The essence is that he should be as unlike my current T as possible.

1. Male
2. Skills based
3. Structured exercises
4. Coddling
5. No blank slate

And it would really be nice if he was cheap enough to see twice a week.

Out of curiousity, or my OCD need to put everything into a box...is this cognitive/behavioral, psychoanalytic, something else...or none of the above? Or a combination?

I commend you on the male T part....much better experiences.

adel34 · Feb 26, 2013, 03:35 PM

Hi CE,
I'm glad you've come up with a list of qualities you feel are important in a t! I'm doing a similar thing myself.
And to me, it makes sense that you'd list codeling if by that you mean very warm and nurturing in a way, as in you can feel their caring very much. You mentioned before not being able to feel that current t supports you. I agree about hankster's idea of a child or adolescent t. And I don't think the nurturing approach and skills based are necessarily in conflict if the t is very flexible.

precious things · Feb 26, 2013, 04:14 PM

Speaking as someone who has been around the therapeutic block, male T's who are skills based just don't do coddling. I think it's awesome to know what you want out of a t, but the coddling has to be developed within your own life, not in the therapy. I know there are people on here who have T's that do that, but in my vast experience, it just isn't like that. I'm not saying its a bad goal, and heck, if you find someone with all those qualities, could you give me their number? I'm just saying T's are professionals only meant to help us to a point and with so much. They can guide us in the right direction but the real work comes in our day to day lives away from therapy. Sorry if this post is a bubble burst, maybe I'm wrong and such a t exists.....

Lamplighter · Feb 26, 2013, 05:55 PM

Just a passing thought, but from what I understand, therapists who are properly au fait with attachment theory and incorporate it in their practice, might well be the sort who could give you that coddling without it having to be an either/or choice of approach and without it ending up blowing up in your face.

I personally would very much like a T who coddles, in every sense of the word, who was considerate of my feelings and didn't feel entitled to stomp all over them with so-called challenging questions and interpretations, and didn't feel 'ethically' obligated to deny every request and refuse every want on the grounds of my so-called 'best interests'. I get the sense it's important to you so I think you're being very wise in putting that on your list.

As others have said already though, you might be hard pushed to find someone who ticks every box on your list, but at least you know what you want and so stand a better chance of finding someone who might better suit you.

I wish you luck in your search

.

Torn

p.s. bear in mind that sometimes once you've had a look out there at other possible Ts, your original T suddenly might seem much more the right one than you think at the moment. Don't burn any bridges!

CantExplain · Feb 26, 2013, 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by precious things

Speaking as someone who has been around the therapeutic block, male T's who are skills based just don't do coddling. I think it's awesome to know what you want out of a t, but the coddling has to be developed within your own life, not in the therapy.

I think it was Sally in Calvin and Hobbes who said:
Since I'm fantasising, I might as well ask for a pony as well.

I do get coddled in real life. My current T is quite disgusted at the comfortable life I've made for my self.

Why should I go to a therapist who treats me worse than my boss?

CantExplain · Feb 26, 2013, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

I personally would very much like a T who coddles, in every sense of the word, who was considerate of my feelings and didn't feel entitled to stomp all over them with so-called challenging questions and interpretations, and didn't feel 'ethically' obligated to deny every request and refuse every want on the grounds of my so-called 'best interests'. I get the sense it's important to you so I think you're being very wise in putting that on your list.

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

As others have said already though, you might be hard pushed to find someone who ticks every box on your list, but at least you know what you want and so stand a better chance of finding someone who might better suit you.

I wish you luck in your search

.

A lot of people have started threads asking, "What should I look for in a therapist?" and "What should I ask at the interview?"

At least I've got that part sorted.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

p.s. bear in mind that sometimes once you've had a look out there at other possible Ts, your original T suddenly might seem much more the right one than you think at the moment. Don't burn any bridges!

My current T has taken me back four times already. I'm sure she would again.

learning1 · Feb 27, 2013, 01:23 AM

Coddling sounds like a pretty extreme way to put it, and I thought you were begging for disagreement a bit there.

But Adel and Hankster had more nuanced ways of putting it. I guess you can probably figure out how to get it if you really want it.

CantExplain · Feb 27, 2013, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by learning1

Coddling sounds like a pretty extreme way to put it, and I thought you were begging for disagreement a bit there.

But Adel and Hankster had more nuanced ways of putting it. I guess you can probably figure out how to get it if you really want it.

The extra kindness I'm looking for may not be all that much. But my current T is absolutely inflexible.

CantExplain · Feb 27, 2013, 01:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I think it was Sally in Calvin and Hobbes who said:
Since I'm fantasising, I might as well ask for a pony as well.

Or maybe it was: As long as I'm wishing, I might as well wish for a pony.

CantExplain · Feb 27, 2013, 01:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by learning1

Coddling sounds like a pretty extreme way to put it, and I thought you were begging for disagreement a bit there.

That's a bit of posturing on my part.

Someone used the word "coddling" and I'm throwing it back to prove that I wasn't hurt.

And that of course proves that I was hurt.

Ouch.