[Fixated]

So in the last week it has been determined that I am not special to T and never will be. T cares because it is her job to care. She cares about all clients equally.

I have my doubts about how true the last point can be, but this is the reality with which I have to deal.

I'm not sure I know how to do it. I tried to quit last session. As expected, T didn't put up a fight. In the end, I decided to table it because I just wasn't sure of the right decision.

I've realized that so much of the reasoning behind why I did things in therapy was clouded by my desire to get T to like me. At times, it pushed me to be vulnerable when I didn't want to be. I think it also altered my perception of T. I tried to excuse away her distance and coldness because I wanted to find the opposite in her.

That's all been blown apart now. It's like starting over. But I don't know if it will work. How can you be vulnerable to a brick wall? That is just a recipe for pain and punishment.

I know therapy is not supposed to be easy, but I think there is a line between being hard for the sake of progress and just being plain torturous. The demeanor of my current T kinda makes it feel like the latter.

But how do I know if this is just me trying to run away? And how can I be vulnerable to a T who will never care beyond a paint by numbers sense? It feels like my risks are just expected instead of appreciated. idk

Fix you need to talk to her about your desire to be special and what kind of comforting and support you are looking for. It is possible that her blank slate approach won't work with you and you may need to find a new T. I am sorry that this is happening and I get it, as I think everyone except a few of us yearn to be special to our T's. There are plenty of T's out there and if this one isn't working then perhaps you can interview new ones till you find a good fit.

Fixated,
Can you try not to think of t as someone who is just doing her job?
try to think of her as somebody who does genuinely care? I really can't beleive she told you that, it was cruel and its no wonder you feel like this.
Of course the reality is that, she is somebody doing a job but I would hope that she does it because she enjoys it and because she cares.
Lets look at this from a different perspective, has t ever shown you that she does not care?
Have you ever felt that during your session she showed you that she didn't care? If she did then it is a fact but I really don't think your t means that, I hope she was having a bad day that day or perhaps she was just holding good boundaries by telling you this, maybe she tells all of her patients this. I don't see how it could be very therapuetic but maybe she is afraid to admit she cares. It is easier for her to pretend she doesn't.
I don't know what her reasons are but it is up to you if you believe it to be true and if you do I think it will hinder your progress. I personally could not work with a t that said that.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Fix you need to talk to her about your desire to be special and what kind of comforting and support you are looking for. It is possible that her blank slate approach won't work with you and you may need to find a new T. I am sorry that this is happening and I get it, as I think everyone except a few of us yearn to be special to our T's. There are plenty of T's out there and if this one isn't working then perhaps you can interview new ones till you find a good fit.

Thanks. Yeah, we did talk about it a bit. I really don't know specifically what she could do differently. I mentioned maybe saying something in the realm of "thank you for sharing that" when I take a risk and open up. But then I wonder if I would find that condescending. I also maybe wish she would just say one thing that she likes about me or how our therapy is different than that of her other clients. I just doubt she would do this last part though.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Fixated

And how can I be vulnerable to a T who will never care beyond a paint by numbers sense?

Something you said earlier in this quote also struck me. It seems to me that it could be a very deep and profound thing to see who you are in therapy without trying to get your T to like you. Sounds like a place to begin being authentic, which has the likelihood of being able to put you on the road to somewhere good.

But the "paint by numbers" and a couple of other things suggest that you feel that your T is being formulaic with you, or that she's going through the motions, which translates to me that you don't feel that she listens deeply or responds to you the person as opposed to you the client. Maybe you feel this way because of your own internal reactions about not feeling special and the interpretations you are making about her behavior. But maybe it is because this T relationship isn't what you're looking for or what you need. I don't think it would be a bad idea to have a consultation with another T to consider the possibility that maybe you need to switch.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by Fixated

Thanks. Yeah, we did talk about it a bit. I really don't know specifically what she could do differently. I mentioned maybe saying something in the realm of "thank you for sharing that" when I take a risk and open up. But then I wonder if I would find that condescending. I also maybe wish she would just say one thing that she likes about me or how our therapy is different than that of her other clients. I just doubt she would do this last part though.

My T often thanks me for sharing hard things with her and acknowledges that she knows it was a risk and it was hard for me. I don't find it condescending...I usually get a little self-conscious and a little embarrassed, but it feels very validating to know that my T gets how hard it was for me to take that risk.

Just a couple of thoughts after reading your posts - It seems like you equate not being special with T not really caring about you at all, and that isn't what she said. Maybe she really is cold, and a blank slate, and distant. If that's true, and she really is that way, then maybe you need a T that is more in to building a relationship with you and is more warm and interactive. But, maybe that's the way you've decided to label T since you know that she doesn't consider you special anymore. Is it possible that since you've decided that she doesn't really care because you're not special, that you've labeled her as cold and uncaring?

If you've been continually changing who you present to your therapist in an attempt to get her to care, then maybe this would be a good opportunity to stop that and just be authentic.

I also think you might want to talk some more about your need to feel special to T. Maybe explore WHY you have this need, and how you can fill that need yourself rather than relying on external sources.

Originally Posted by Fixated

Thanks. Yeah, we did talk about it a bit. I really don't know specifically what she could do differently. I mentioned maybe saying something in the realm of "thank you for sharing that" when I take a risk and open up. But then I wonder if I would find that condescending. I also maybe wish she would just say one thing that she likes about me or how our therapy is different than that of her other clients. I just doubt she would do this last part though.

I went through a period of sorta mourning that I could never be more than "just a client" but have since made peace with it, my t does say things like "thank you for being brave enough to share that" when I tell her something really hard for me to say, and then I also finally understood that while she doesn't play favorites, the relationship that we have is nonetheless special because it is unique to the two of us and during that 50 minutes anyway, she is not thinking about anyone but me. So I'm special in context. And that works for me.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Fixated

How can you be vulnerable to a brick wall? That is just a recipe for pain and punishment.

the best image I can get out of this is not pain and punishment, it's hearing the echo of your voice coming back at you - the words you hear that way may strike you and help you see your own patterns

but (just my opinion) it's a pity it would be that way.

You do say that yr T cares for all her clients; so maybe she's not such a brick wall after all. Maybe it only feels that way. Still this sounds hard.

as for running away, they all go to the same school pretty much. sorry...

for me, I'd have to talk and talk and talk about it. In time it's bound to wear a hole in one of you, and hopefully some change for the better will enter in. hang in there.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Fixated

I've realized that so much of the reasoning behind why I did things in therapy was clouded by my desire to get T to like me. At times, it pushed me to be vulnerable when I didn't want to be. I think it also altered my perception of T. I tried to excuse away her distance and coldness because I wanted to find the opposite in her.

But how do I know if this is just me trying to run away? And how can I be vulnerable to a T who will never care beyond a paint by numbers sense? It feels like my risks are just expected instead of appreciated. idk

There is something about hanging in there and staying *in* it until you get over this hump. You'll learn something - and grow from it. You may let go of some expectations about relationships in general that aren't helpful to you. You might also chrystalize some things about relationships that really are important for you. In any event, ideally, you don't want to leave until you feel "clear" to leave without feeling unresolved pain.

[stopdog]

I think it can be hard to know whether to stay and try or cut your losses and move to one who you mesh with better. I do know some therapists will say what they like about a client. The two I see do. And I don't want them to or know why they do it. I am just saying that there are therapists who will do that sort of thing. If it is what you want and the therapist you have now refuses, then maybe time to find one a little more expressive for you.

[Fixated]

Thank you all for your comments. I have read them all carefully and took them with me (in mind) to my session today.

Somehow we actually had a decent session today. We still misunderstood each other, and I am still confused about things, but I felt like she really listened today. I mean she always listens, but today was different somehow.

She clarified that her job is important to her and she cares about the people she works with. It's not her job to care.

At the same time though, she said she is going to stop trying to help me talk at the beginning of session. She said that almost none of her other clients have so much trouble talking. Said she doesn't think it's helpful to me when she tries to ease me into talking. The whole idea of this makes me panic.

Idk. There is still a great divide between me and T. I think we are fundamentally different types of people. But I think I will at least stick with her long enough to try and work through all this disappointment that I cannot be special to her.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Healthy children don't grow up with parents as "blank slates". I think that human interaction, the therapeutical relationship, is what heals the patient. It sounds to me like you know what you need, someone who you don't have to put words into her mouth for her to say something human. I think it would behoove you to interview a different therapist (s) just to see. It might make all the difference in the world. ((((((hugS)))))))))

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Fixated

...At the same time though, she said she is going to stop trying to help me talk at the beginning of session. She said that almost none of her other clients have so much trouble talking. Said she doesn't think it's helpful to me when she tries to ease me into talking. The whole idea of this makes me panic.

I really resonate with the whole issue of melding the therapists beliefs, personality, needs etc with the client's. Below are some ideas I have used. I don't know if they will work for others. Just thought I'd put them out there in case they MIGHT help.

One time when I was starting new, I brought some pictures I had drawn to talk for me. Actually, I can remember one time after I had been with her for a long time, I showed her a picture of how something felt, when I couldn't find the words. So if she is going to rely on you to start the session, do you think it would work for you to start with talking about somethign you drew - or a poem, or a picture you've seen that triggers feelings in your.

Would it help if she started the session with "What do you want to talk about?" and would she be willing to do that.

Or make it a script to start each session with "I want to talk about ______" even if your answer is silence, thought, body motions, whatever, until you find a word or she responds to something.

Hmm. I remember a group I was in for women in prison, and if the members couldn't answer the topic question, they were asked to just come up with one word. I was surprised how successful that was.

Just ideas.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Fixated

How can you be vulnerable to a brick wall? That is just a recipe for pain and punishment.

I know therapy is not supposed to be easy, but I think there is a line between being hard for the sake of progress and just being plain torturous. The demeanour of my current T kinda makes it feel like the latter.

I'm feeling that about my T right now, and indeed I have had crises like this several times a year since I started.