[geez]

Anyone have thoughts on a T that has the 'life experience' of what you've been through vs. a T that has not?

In terms of 'life experience' I'm thinking in terms of an abusive childhood.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by geez

Anyone have thoughts on a T that has the 'life experience' of what you've been through vs. a T that has not?

In terms of 'life experience' I'm thinking in terms of an abusive childhood.

Yeah, I've thought about it because my T seems to just understand things so well. You wonder how someone could be so understanding, but then I think about how many years of experience he has had and that a lot of that life experience might just be lots of experience with people who've had the same experiences as me, and not that he's personally experienced it in his life.

[Nightlight]

I haven't dealt with that sort of abusive childhood myself. I did experience quite severe depression and anxiety as a young child and parented myself to a large degree. My T has mentioned one time, one moment when she was younger and she had to take herself away on her own, and she cried and... I forget how she worded it, but she felt like you do when you're quite depressed. Sometimes, I'm so aware of how little she understands about how hard I work and fight for life all the time. Sometimes she seems so caught up in they're just thoughts and can't hurt you mode, that I think she forgets...they do hurt me, a lot. She's also given me examples of how fantastically people with severe disabilities have gone on to live their life and make the most of what they've got...and I think, sometimes she forgets that the way I struggle is quite different from that sort of struggle, but it's still a huge struggle. So sometimes I think about what T has experienced compared to me. I know she didn't have the ideal family life herself, and so there are some things she can relate to, and that's actually quite helpful. I wish she understood what it was like to have nobody...and then to just have one person, a T who is so contained by boundaries and who you'll one day lose forever. Sorry, that was a really gloomy post and probably not very related to what you're after, Geez.

In terms of a T having experienced something similar, I think they need to have moved through the issue and done a lot of work on it themselves, before being able to help someone with something similar, so that their own issues didn't get in the way. It can be nice, I think, to have someone who really gets it though.

[feralkittymom]

I've had experience with 3 Ts: one male, my long-term T; and 2 females who consecutively ran a group. Both of the females had abuse backgrounds (long-term T did not). Both female Ts allowed their own issues to grossly interfere with the group.

Personally, I would never knowingly enter therapy with a T who shared my issues. I think any sense of affiliation or extra understanding is marginal at best, and destructive at worst. I think it's all part of a bigger problem that too many people in treatment or needing treatment seek to "help" people really from an inner need to help themselves and simply get in over their heads. It's also why I favor higher degrees as credentials because it weeds out some of these folks.

I do think character is important. For me, it speaks to authenticity and trust, and is more indicative than sharing a negative life experience.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

I haven't dealt with that sort of abusive childhood myself. I did experience quite severe depression and anxiety as a young child and parented myself to a large degree. My T has mentioned one time, one moment when she was younger and she had to take herself away on her own, and she cried and... I forget how she worded it, but she felt like you do when you're quite depressed. Sometimes, I'm so aware of how little she understands about how hard I work and fight for life all the time. Sometimes she seems so caught up in they're just thoughts and can't hurt you mode, that I think she forgets...they do hurt me, a lot. She's also given me examples of how fantastically people with severe disabilities have gone on to live their life and make the most of what they've got...and I think, sometimes she forgets that the way I struggle is quite different from that sort of struggle, but it's still a huge struggle. So sometimes I think about what T has experienced compared to me. I know she didn't have the ideal family life herself, and so there are some things she can relate to, and that's actually quite helpful. I wish she understood what it was like to have nobody...and then to just have one person, a T who is so contained by boundaries and who you'll one day lose forever. Sorry, that was a really gloomy post and probably not very related to what you're after, Geez.

In terms of a T having experienced something similar, I think they need to have moved through the issue and done a lot of work on it themselves, before being able to help someone with something similar, so that their own issues didn't get in the way. It can be nice, I think, to have someone who really gets it though.

My T says something similar as well. She tells me about some things that it's feelings that are there but don't show who I am in my accomplishments in life etc.... She also talks about the people with a disability and they are positive etc....

I think sometimes a T can make our feelings seem undervalued or unworthy of importance. Almost like 'you didn't have it bad right?' And then I have to tell my T yes I did It's like I have to justify myself much like how I had to justify myself to my mom. I know my T is coming from a really good place but it irks me sometimes. I need to call her on it next time it happens.

[geez]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I've had experience with 3 Ts: one male, my long-term T; and 2 females who consecutively ran a group. Both of the females had abuse backgrounds (long-term T did not). Both female Ts allowed their own issues to grossly interfere with the group.

Personally, I would never knowingly enter therapy with a T who shared my issues. I think any sense of affiliation or extra understanding is marginal at best, and destructive at worst. I think it's all part of a bigger problem that too many people in treatment or needing treatment seek to "help" people really from an inner need to help themselves and simply get in over their heads. It's also why I favor higher degrees as credentials because it weeds out some of these folks.

I do think character is important. For me, it speaks to authenticity and trust, and is more indicative than sharing a negative life experience.

Interesting points. I've experienced other T's that were lesser degreed than my current T and some were good and some were not. I guess it comes down to what I'm looking for vs what I need?

[critterlady]

I have no idea whether my T has any similar experiences to mine. He doesn't tell me much at all about his own background. I don't know if it makes a difference. He's completely empathetic and I expect he would be either way.

In general, I don't think it's necessary for a T to have the same issues as their clients. An oncologist doesn't need to have had cancer to be able to treat cancer patients.

[elliemay]

I can say without equivocation that I hope neither of my therapists have had to go through what I went through.

[feralkittymom]

I guess I would want to look for what I thought I needed. But a T who is compromised is a factor that I think holds more potential for harm than good. I see it as people can have all sorts of talents. And while it's possible for a T to have an extraordinary talent derived, in part, from a negative life experience, finding such a person would be very difficult to do. I wouldn't be able to experience that talent without engaging in the process. If I engage, and then find that the T's life experience plays out harmfully rather than wonderfully, I've been harmed in the process. I'd rather avoid the risk (and the theoretically possible extra benefit).

As an academic, I know how difficult it is to earn the Doctorate, and how comparatively easy it is to earn the Masters. It certainly isn't a guarantee, but if someone's incentive really is fulfilling a self-need, a Doctorate is a much bigger hassle to commit to, so less likely.

[Bill3]

feralkittysmom: What would you say about a person with a Doctorate in another field who changed careers later in life and got a Master's in a therapy-related discipline?

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Bill3

feralkittysmom: What would you say about a person with a Doctorate in another field who changed careers later in life and got a Master's in a therapy-related discipline?

Since I think it's the intention behind pursuing the profession, I don't think other degrees or time of life would make a difference. I guess I'm saying that a Doctorate in another field wouldn't be any insurance one way or the other?

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by geez

I think sometimes a T can make our feelings seem undervalued or unworthy of importance. Almost like 'you didn't have it bad right?' And then I have to tell my T yes I did It's like I have to justify myself much like how I had to justify myself to my mom. I know my T is coming from a really good place but it irks me sometimes. I need to call her on it next time it happens.

I'm sorry you can relate to that feeling, because it is tough. It is so nice to be able to talk to people here who understand some of those things that others don't.

It's tough because it's like, well yes T, that's the exact thing I don't like about myself, that I can't just get out there, be a great person and make the most of what I've got. I am trying, but it is my thoughts that really hold me back, and that's my struggle. Sometimes the thoughts and feelings have hurt me so much, that when I was in extreme physical pain at the same time, to the point of not being able to stand up without doubling over, my body did register that physical pain (that I couldn't stand or walk), but I actually couldn't feel the pain hurting. It didn't hurt and it was so minor compared to the emotional pain I was experiencing at the time. I actually wished the physical pain was worse still, so it would distract me from the other pain. So I tend to think it's not fair to say it doesn't hurt. It might not be the same kind of hurt, but it hurts, and it's awful to feel this way so often. It's exhausting. I think some T's forget how hard the constant uphill battle is sometimes.

My T gave me that example, saying there was just the one time she felt so bad and unable to do anything except give in for a while. I'd never wish for T to have gone through anything worse, but I think, because it was just that once, that she forgets how hard it is when you never, never truly shake that feeling.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by critterlady

In general, I don't think it's necessary for a T to have the same issues as their clients. An oncologist doesn't need to have had cancer to be able to treat cancer patients.

I think it would be better if an oncologist got put through some of the procedures, tests and ways of being treated that cancer patients endure.

It does not matter to me if the therapist has the same experience as I do. Sometimes I think they over-react to what I say but I don't know if it is based on over identification in that they went through something similar but worse, or over active imaginations making them think it was worse than it was for me, or merely that they are messing with me by pretend over reacting because they find my reaction to what I tell them to not fit with what they consider appropriately over the top.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by geez

Anyone have thoughts on a T that has the 'life experience' of what you've been through vs. a T that has not?

In terms of 'life experience' I'm thinking in terms of an abusive childhood.

I think my T has had a fairly cushy life. I don't think that damages her credibility.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I do think character is important. For me, it speaks to authenticity and trust, and is more indicative than sharing a negative life experience.

Yes! I agree with this.

[stopdog]

The most insane therapist I tried was a phd. I don't think I have known any of the issues of the ones I have tried. I know they had all been through therapy except the phd (she is unknown - she was too weird for me to even bother asking). I think it is important for me to make sure they have gone through therapy than their personal history of issues or what their credentials are.

[CantExplain]

I once talked to T about this.

Me: I assume you've suffered?
T: Yes, I've suffered.

That was good enough for me. I didn't need to know what her suffering was.

I didn't need to know what her suffering was.

I like and identify with that point of view, CantExplain. I don't think two people will have shared the exact same life experiences - and to be honest, if my T would say "yes, a parent did the same thing to me in the same situation" I would be a bit uncomfortable. I would feel that I would be expected to react like T had reacted, I'd feel like a failure because T had obviously handled it much better (seeing as how he is functional and successful) and I would be wary of talking about it because I wouldn't know if T was reliving his experiences. Maybe I would be able to get past that with T's help, but I don't think that I would personally find it helpful - because again, everybody's experience is different, so I wouldn't feel that T understood me better because of that.

However, getting a doctorate is one life experience I'm grateful that my T shares. He has a MD (in psychiatry), not a PhD, but the relevant thing for me is that he knows about academia and can relate to my work situation, which is a very big part of my life. And he has a very academic communicative style - and that makes it feel as if he understands me.

[elliemay]

At this stage in my therapy I'm pretty generous with therapist's insanity. I get that. What I'm very stingy about is credentials.

It *is* much harder to get a PhD than a masters. It requires a sacrifice of time and effort far beyond the non-terminal degrees.

I simply want to see a provider that was willing to put in that time in order to practice.

[Dreamy01]

My former T's childhood was quite healthy, nothing like mine. She didn't tell me this directly but it was quite obvious from various things she mentioned about her family from time to time, her relationships with them. It wasn't a massive issue for me until later in therapy when I felt the need to explore the past more (until then we'd been looking at a lot of present issues) and she kept telling me she was sad that I simply couldn't 'let go of it.' One of her ideas was to go down the beach with a balloon and let it go!! Maybe it works for some, but not for me. When she said that i thought she really can't know what it's like to grow up with abuse and neglect. It takes more than a balloon to let go of it I'm afraid. That was one of the issues I had with her by the end.

I don't really know about current T's childhood but it's more than obvious she has suffered. I know one or two things about her current life and that's enough for me to know she hasn't had it easy. We've focussed a lot more on my past and she accepts it moulds who I am to a large extent.

[Perna]

My T was a different nationality and wholly different childhood, I am sure, one of the few similarities I know of was she and I went to the same sailing school as adults, LOL (not bad for metaphors?).

Feelings are just feelings, like dreams are just dreams and attending to them and giving them a life of their own away from one's self instead of using them as tools can be like playing with knives?

[mixedup_emotions]

Occasionally, a thought pops into my head about whether or not T really gets it because he hasn't experienced it. And then, I realize that it's more about how I am frustrated, angry, resisting or disagreeing with him about something that spurs that thought.

For example, at the moment, he is telling me that my caretaking of my mother (who I rushed to the hospital a week ago, was in critical condition, etc.) at the hospital has been "extreme" - that it would be understandable if it were my child (it's our job as parents) but not my mother. Because I'm angry/frustrated/disagree with what he's saying, I thought to myself, "Well, he doesn't understand. His mom passed away when he was a child and he doesn't have a good relationship with his dad. So, how would he know what's understandable or not!"

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by elliemay

At this stage in my therapy I'm pretty generous with therapist's insanity. I get that. What I'm very stingy about is credentials.

It *is* much harder to get a PhD than a masters. It requires a sacrifice of time and effort far beyond the non-terminal degrees.

I simply want to see a provider that was willing to put in that time in order to practice.

The phd I saw held poker games with clients, told me I was "not allowed" to quit therapy with her, made bets with clients for a free appointments if she was wrong, told me she was the only person in my town who knew how to do couple's therapy properly, attended client's parties, and reduced most things to red brains and blue brains. (I have known a lot of people who tried her because she is openly lesbian). Her credentials are excellent. But the other stuff was way too much for me. She tried some of it on me, it did not work.

stopdog, I'll go out on a limb here and say that that doesn't really sound like appropriate behaviour for a T. Any T.

[feralkittymom]

The phd I saw held poker games with clients, told me I was "not allowed" to quit therapy with her, made bets with clients for a free appointments if she was wrong, told me she was the only person in my town who knew how to do couple's therapy properly, attended client's parties, and reduced most things to red brains and blue brains. (I have known a lot of people who tried her because she is openly lesbian). Her credentials are excellent. But the other stuff was way too much for me. She tried some of it on me, it did not work.

It's always tempting to use the exception to disprove the rule, but it's not logical.

It's like people who choose to believe that cigarettes aren't connected to cancer because they know someone who smoked and lived to be 102.