Scared & confused. I don't know what's right & I don't think I can get help anymore.

My former psychologist was treating me for PTSD, DID, EDNOS. He created an online account as another way to communicate with me. At first it was fine but as our communication grew and therapy continued, more and more uncomfortable posts began showing up on his site. There began being posts about his own past and horrific events. He became mentally unstable, in his words “cracking.” Some posts about blood and cutting began to appear one night, a problem I have as well, and a very long, late evening ensued of me trying to get him to put down his knife if I agreed to do the same.

He shut down his site, but reopened another. On this site he posted a pornographic image of a shaved and pierced girl’s vagina, which disturbed many of my alters, myself included.

My psychologist, realizing he was becoming mentally unhinged began to see his former psychologist, although he continued treatment with me up until very recently. He has now ceased most contact with me and refuses to see me. I believe he is trying to get away from the instability I seem to cause him.

I want to let go but I cannot help but continue feeling violated and confused by his requests for my secrecy, and promises to never abandon me, that we would grow old together, I am having a difficult time accepting his choice to abandon me and my mental health is suffering greatly because of it.

My problem is I don't know if any of this is normal therapy, or if it is just me. If it is abnormal as wrong, as my family doctor stated after I showed him the pornographic picture, I am afraid that by coming forward my ex-psychologist will not only hate me, but call me confused or crazy because I have been diagnosed with DID which can include amnesia. I have the image he posted as proof I am not lying, but I’m still terrified.

I just want to be able to let go of him, find out if it was normal or just me, and find a way to move on to learn about a normal therapeutic relationship and boundaries. Please let me know whether this was right, wrong, or if I'm just crazy for being uncomfortable, hurt, and scared. I've been keeping my word to not tell anyone but I can't anymore. Not if I still want help to have a real and normal life.

That's definitely NOT normal T behaviour. I would get another one. That is breach of ethics to me.

Yes he definetly broke boundaries and ethics. In fact i am pretty sure he may have broken the law because he took advantage of you when he was a figure of authority. And legally you are considered vulnerable. Him putting you and alters in a position to help him in a crisis of his is abusive emotionaly and mentally and the porn pic was sexually abuseive. He needs to be reported to his boss and licenseing board and possibly the police.

You don't need to do that. Make sure your PCP knows all that went on and yes you do need a new therapist. As far as you not being able to let go. Understandble. Since he promised you things. (Btw Ts don't promise clients they can grow old together.) And he suddenly left. That is going to becdifficult. The best thing for you to do is get a new T maybe with your PCPs help and journal..or podt here. Hugs. Oh and let yourself grieve and remember the good times yoo. Also come visit the Dd Forum when you get a chance

Thanks so much for all your input. I feel better knowing that what he was doing was wrong and that it wasn't me or my fault, and I don't have to keep it a secret anymore, no matter if he told me I had to or not.

I wish so much it had never happened. Even the last hug he gave me made me cringe. I tried to see a new T today, but it was too triggering because they looked so alike.

I think I will try and take your advice and write it all down, as best I could. I asked for my records, but I've asked for them before and he's never complied. I think I will write it all though, and show it to my PCP and see what he says. I just want to move on at this point, and get help before it's too late.

the way your T acted is horribly unprofessional, unethical, wrong and it definitely was not you. if you want to i think finding a good professional T would help. you could ask your doctor if he has any recommendations for one. please make sure whoever you see is reputable. you don't have to keep this T's secrets. it would probably be helpful for you to talk about it with a new T, but if you are uncomfortable reporting him you can wait on deciding about that for now. i'm really sorry this has happened.

I'm really sorry you've had this experience.

Your T seems to be decompensating from some mental illness. It is nothing to do with you. It's neither your fault, nor can you help him. You need to walk away, find a new T, and talk this through with your new T. Don't worry about making any other decisions just now. Any communication from your T is his illness talking, and you owe him nothing. It really is not even in his best interest, nor yours, to consider anything he has said.

Get help for yourself to get through this.

It sounds like you already told your family doctor; I would ask for his help moving forward.

I've been trying to find a new T but I'm scared and angry. I know you're right, that I need to find a new T and work through it. I've been hinting that direction by mentioning small, vague details, to try and get an understanding of right and wrong, but I'm still afraid of getting him in trouble.

I feel pathetic for that, especially now, after how he's treated me, which makes me realize just how much he messed with my head. I don't think he did it on purpose, but it doesn't change the fact that it been messing with my head, haunting me for the last nine months, and I need some way to let it go.

I take it instead of what I was originally going to therapy for that I should begin with this. Maybe that's the only way I can get past it so someone else can help me. I'm just so afraid. He'll be so angry. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. In truth I'm worried he's already angry, that he already knows, somehow. I'm trying not to blame myself, but I am.

This sounds very weird to me, and definitely NOT normal! You need to report him and then get help from a competent, trustworthy t.

I'm so sorry this happened!
No, none of what he did on that online account is ethical or professional behavior! If he wanted to make an online account it should be for his clients to post on, not for him to be telling them about hisvery disturbing emotional issues! And the pornographic picture is very wrong and probably against the law!
You really do need a new t,and I've heard before how tricky it can be to find someone who is familiar with DID, but I'm sure with help from others on here or your family doctor you can find one.
The most important thing right now is for you to find a new t and to start grieving and letting out all your feelings about all this. None of this was your fault. You just need to keep yourself safe now.

It sounds like your xT owes you money... who was the T here? You need to cut contact with him and find a new one to process that relationship with. I am sorry you had to go through this. Most likely if you wanted to you could pursue something regarding xT license or just cut your losses and find a new T and take care of you.

I'm really trying to move on, but I still feel so guilty. I know I shouldn't, that he shouldn't have told me to keep quiet or tell me it's my own fault, but he did, and I think since I trusted him so much I'm having a difficult time not believing him.

Right now I'm bouncing from therapist to therapist, too scared to talk much or even return for a second appointment. It's affecting me so much more than I ever thought I would. I should have come forward at once before it got so complicated and worse.