[HereAndThere]

I've been in therapy for almost 2 months and I'm still not sure how it's supposed to work. I've asked my T for some direction and he said I can talk about anything I want and to tell him stuff only on a level that I'm comfortable with, no pressure.

So I've told him about some childhood trauma without going into too much detail. Every now and then he'll shed some light on looking at situations differently and using other patients as examples.

But is that all there is too it, me going in and talking? I'm still really reserved and hardly look him in the eye, so maybe he's waiting for trust to build up?

[stopdog]

This is my third attempt at it and I have been going this time for over 2 years and I still do not understand what is supposed to be happening. Therapists are quite cryptic and I have several cynical beliefs as to why that is so.

My rudimentary understanding of it is just going in and talking is pretty much the mainstay of the endeavor.

[Nelliecat]

There's no wrong way

Keep going, keep talking and be patient. I felt the same for a long time. It's a totally different relationship from any other you'll ever have and it takes time to get used to that.

Also, I wonder why your T uses other patients to give examples? That's quite unusual I think.

[tinyrabbit]

Two months isn't long. I've been going for three and think I'm just getting started.

It's very common not to make eye contact. Personally I prefer to sit side by side on the floor.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Hi HereandThere,

I very rarely make eye contact with my T and I have been seeing her 6 years now

I think building up trust is very important and can take different amounts of time for everyone. For example, as someone with BPD, trust is an extremely difficult thing for me and it has taken me literally years to build that up and even now I still doubt T sometimes. So just be patient and take things as they come. Don't stress about doing it right or wrong, as someone said, there is no 'right' way of doing therapy. Just talk about what you feel you need to and go with the flow. Hopefully with more time and trust, things will seem clearer. Good luck!

[harrietm]

I'm particularly sensitive about this, because when I first started seeing my t I was always asking what I should talk about and he said I could talk about whatever I want. I expressed concern that I was doing it wrong, and he said there is no right or wrong way to do therapy.

Then 9 months into it we had a different type of session, and he said at the end of it "this is the first normal therapy session we've had.". I felt incredibly betrayed. If that is what he wanted me to talk about, why didn't he tell me when I asked repeatedly? Why did he tell me there is no wrong way to do therapy?

So now I am very distrustful of therapists. After 4 years I have a new one and she has a sand table. I told her that I don't know how to use it and she said there is no right or wrong way. I said "yeah, I've heard that before. I'm sure I could do it the wrong way."

[sittingatwatersedge]

I think the saying could be improved... e.g., there is no ONE right way... and from experience I know there is no ONE wrong way.

For some people who post here, a T showing any benevolence or caring would be the wrong way - for others, a T who does so would definitely be doing it the right way.

For some, a T's positive encouragement is motivating; for others, it would be received as patronizing (def wrong way!).

Clients can skip sessions, or lie, or hide things, I'd say that's a 'wrong way'; for my particular T, when I focus my attention on her she takes great exception to that, so for us that's a big time 'wrong way'.

if you try to be open & honest, to show T what is inside you (and sometimes that can be quite a challenge), you are doing it the right way. I'm wishing you the best in this journey!

[tinyrabbit]

I do think it depends a lot on the individual. I don't want to set goals or discuss a topic for the day. We just talk and see where we go. I thought I wanted more structure but I was wrong.

[WePow]

My first round of therapy in college (mandated after the loss of a close friend), I did nothing for months but show up each week and sit in silence looking at the T. He would try to engage me, but I refused to respond most of the time. When I questioned the purpose of even showing up, he told me that just being there was a big accomplishment and step in healing. After several months, I finally started to talk a little. Then I graduated and did not have to see him anymore.

This second round of therapy the past three years has been a much different experience. I was ready to open up and talk. It was time.

My point is that the main thing to do is just keep showing up and being honest. It will grow into what it is supposed to be.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by harrietm

Then 9 months into it we had a different type of session, and he said at the end of it "this is the first normal therapy session we've had."

I'm curious about what he meant. How was that session more normal?

Originally Posted by HereAndThere

But is that all there is too it, me going in and talking?

I think it depends on what you need. If that is what you need, then keep going with that. With my first therapist, who I saw off and on for 9 months, a big role of the therapy was giving me a place where I didn't have to pretend that things were OK. It was so much pressure to have to go through the work day, to have to go through the mechanics of home life, while appearing functional and fine, that therapy was a relief for one hour to drop that facade. Later, I needed a different thing from therapy. So I would encourage you to seek out what you need in that room.

There are some mock (and some real) sessions of therapy you can view online, that might be interesting for you to look at to understand the range of what can happen in the room. Also, transcripts of sessions. I read some of these once quite some time ago and remember thinking, what they're talking about sure is boring! I guess our own lives are most fascinating to ourselves. But even that gave me useful information, as in I didn't want to spend my sessions talking about stuff like that.

[tinyrabbit]

I wondered what was "normal" about that session too. I also wondered whether "normal" necessarily meant "good, unlike the others" or simply "different to the others". Was it definitely a value judgement?

Like sunrise, I need somewhere to go where I don't have to pretend things are okay or engage with the everyday demands of my life. I'm gradually realising that I specifically want somewhere that younger, wounded parts of me are accepted too.

I used to worry about doing therapy "properly". I made notes and wrote about memories. But the two best sessions we've had (in that we seemed to make the most progress) were ones where we just talked and saw where we ended up. Like yesterday. We started out on some very random topics and somehow ended up making some major progress.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by sunrise

There are some mock (and some real) sessions of therapy you can view online, that might be interesting for you to look at to understand the range of what can happen in the room.

Don't suppose you have any links or suggestions of where to look? I'm intrigued.

[harrietm]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I'm curious about what he meant. How was that session more normal?

When I first started I didn't know anything about therapy, just that things were very painful for me. I had a lot of existential issues, but I didn't realize that is what my problems were, so I was always talking about amorphous, big picture, deep stuff.

On that fateful day 9 months into therapy I talked to my t about how I went out to dinner with my friends a few days before, and he and I talked about the dinner, and what I said and what they said, etc etc.

That is what he considered "normal" therapy. He later apologized for using the word normal, but he said "most" (I am assuming all) of his clients come in and talk about their week. I never would talk about my week.

He said that if we talk about what is going on my life from week to week, the deeper stuff will come out. I said that if I already know what the deep stuff is, why do I have to waste time talking about the surface stuff?

We never agreed about that, but I did try to do things more his way towards the end. And along the way I did have problems that he was very helpful with. He was good with day to day stuff.

As I learned more about therapy, I came to see that there are different types of therapy and different types of therapists. He wasn't particularly deep or existential, so we were not a good fit. But I became very attached to him and stayed for 4 years, all the while trying to do "normal" therapy, and we both ended up frustrated, and I never felt like I was doing it right.

I wish I had known more about therapy when I started, and I wish he had explained to me more of what he wanted and how he worked, rather than saying that I could talk about whatever I wanted, and that there is no right or wrong way. He obviously had a preferred way of working, but was not forthright about that, and to this day says he never would have referred me to someone else.

[tinyrabbit]

I think that was a pointless thing for him to say. You're not his other clients, you are you! Was the problem really him not saying what he wanted... or him not listening to what YOU wanted? Therapy is for you!

Personally I only talk about my week if I feel it's relevant eg if something happened with my family or I had a bad experience or indeed a really good one. Yesterday we talked about: whether my T has a rule about not passing people tissues, getting comfortable in therapy, boredom, my throat, vinegar, Facebook, my ex, yawning, a flashback I had, and crying. And I showed him some photos.

[harrietm]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I think that was a pointless thing for him to say. You're not his other clients, you are you! Was the problem really him not saying what he wanted... or him not listening to what YOU wanted? Therapy is for you!

Personally I only talk about my week if I feel it's relevant eg if something happened with my family or I had a bad experience or indeed a really good one. Yesterday we talked about: whether my T has a rule about not passing people tissues, getting comfortable in therapy, boredom, my throat, vinegar, Facebook, my ex, yawning, a flashback I had, and crying. And I showed him some photos.

One of my major problems is taking the blame for everything, and I did this in therapy as well, so I don't know what was my responsibility and what was his. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to change my communication style so that he would understand me, which I know sounds ridiculous. I tried so hard to make it work, and it ended up being just really painful for me.

My new t understands me so well, and is so much a better fit. I was terrified to change t's, but it was the best thing I've done. I'm still sad about leaving him, and I see him once in a while and email him updates also.

So back to the original question - is there a right or wrong way to do therapy? I guess the better question is "Is there a better or worse therapist or type of therapy for each of us". The key is, how do we know?

[HereAndThere]

Thanks everyone for your input, it made me feel better. I think I went in with expectations of him being more direct in how messed up my perspectives are and 'this is how we fix it', more of a goal setting situation.

To answer the question about using other patients as examples, I think he does that so I can better understand the situation and to show I'm not the only one who feels that way. He doesn't give names or any other information.

I guess I'll keep on going, he's very comfortable to be around and he already learned how to phrase certain things so as not to trigger anything, especially when it's almost time to leave.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by harrietm

That is what he considered "normal" therapy. He later apologized for using the word normal, but he said "most" (I am assuming all) of his clients come in and talk about their week. I never would talk about my week.

FWIW, I never talk about my week either. So I guess I am part of the "not normal" club. Thankfully, I don't care. My T never acts like he expects me to discuss my week.

[tinyrabbit]

Harrietm I am so glad you changed Ts. The old one sounds like he wasn't attuned to you at all.

I think there's definitely a better or worse therapist for each of us rather than a right or wrong way to do it. For example, do you want your T to be a blank screen or more of a knowable person? Do you want to set goals or topics or just see how it goes? Do you need to work on coping and stabilising or go deep into past stuff? Do you want your T to react to what you say or just sit and listen?

I think the most important thing for me personally is that my T is a relational therapist, so it's about forming a relationship rather than him being a blank screen. He is sarcastic, argues with me and can be very challenging and annoying at times. He also patiently goes round and round my cycle of losing trust and needing to be reassured, over and over. Whereas I've heard some Ts get frustrated when complex PTSD sufferers repeatedly lose trust in them.

Sorry for all my epic posts, I like talking about therapy!