[Jungatheart]

Are you ever surprised by others responses in life? The kind that make you take a second look at yourself? Re-evaluate what your guiding force is?

Others responses to I guess what I would term as therapist abuse were eye opening. I broke all ties with T and his family today. It was tougher than I thought it would be. He sends me an email back about his care for me and that he was sorry that our “miscommunications hurt me”. His words are like torture and make me doubt myself. Even with validating feedback, I watch myself spiral down, rationalize, minimize - all the things that got me into trouble in the first place. I do think that reporting him is going to be an important piece of this process. I am not there yet. It’s still so scary to me.

Beyond the betrayal and manipulation by T, I feel like I am experiencing a major loss in my life.T spoke/emailed with me basically every day for the past year or more. I really enjoyed his support, liked hanging out with his daughters. I am haunted by lots of conflicting feelings - almost like I am trying to leave a cult. I was dependent on T, a pull that felt almost like an addiction. I was hooked from the first time he told me he cared about me.

So I continue to go against my grain - because my grain feels like that's how I hid the abuse/unethical behavior for so long. My grain feels like it leans towards total lack of boundaries, instant gratification, self blame. I don't trust my grain (migraine?) right now. I'm going to break this pattern. One way or another.

Has anyone out there really shifted a pattern in your life? Gone against your "grain", so to say? I'm looking for hope, strength, a purpose to this real pain and confusion.

Jung... I haven't experienced anything like you have but I do know what you are talking about when you say "going against your grain"... I have learned that sometimes if I do exactly the opposite of what feels "natural" that is what turns out to have the best results...

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

Are you ever surprised by others responses in life? The kind that make you take a second look at yourself? Re-evaluate what your guiding force is?

Others responses to I guess what I would term as therapist abuse were eye opening. I broke all ties with T and his family today. It was tougher than I thought it would be. He sends me an email back about his care for me and that he was sorry that our “miscommunications hurt me”. His words are like torture and make me doubt myself. Even with validating feedback, I watch myself spiral down, rationalize, minimize - all the things that got me into trouble in the first place. I do think that reporting him is going to be an important piece of this process. I am not there yet. It’s still so scary to me.

Beyond the betrayal and manipulation by T, I feel like I am experiencing a major loss in my life.T spoke/emailed with me basically every day for the past year or more. I really enjoyed his support, liked hanging out with his daughters. I am haunted by lots of conflicting feelings - almost like I am trying to leave a cult. I was dependent on T, a pull that felt almost like an addiction. I was hooked from the first time he told me he cared about me.

So I continue to go against my grain - because my grain feels like that's how I hid the abuse/unethical behavior for so long. My grain feels like it leans towards total lack of boundaries, instant gratification, self blame. I don't trust my grain (migraine?) right now. I'm going to break this pattern. One way or another.

Has anyone out there really shifted a pattern in your life? Gone against your "grain", so to say? I'm looking for hope, strength, a purpose to this real pain and confusion.

I have. I was very attached to my forner T too, and boundaries were fuzzy (no sex or anything)by her initiation. Since she left me, instead of me leaving her, I didn't have to make the decisions you had to make. but there were efforts to see about reconnecting, and like you, it was my logical, thoughtful self that I listened to, or would have been right back there.

I imagine you really are experiencing a major loss in your life, even if it did cost you a lot. I totally understand the cult-like feeling. I think that is normal in an abnormal situation. I was very dependent on my T too, and had many many conflicting feelings. But those periods lessened in intensity, length, and the time between periods increased. It took a while, but it happened.

I tend not to think about it as going against the grain. I think of it as having two different parts inside me. The needy part that loved being cared for by my forner T. And my logical, competent part, that knows that going back to someone by becoming less, and hiding parts of me isn't healthy and won't last. So now I spend time taking care of hte needy part in other ways that are more healthy (another whole thread).

[Asiablue]

I think it's important to take things slow right now, realise that reporting him isn't your primary concern at the moment, you have time to do that. (I think you can still put in a complaint up to 5 years after the event, but check with your area)

Right now, you are going to feel some intense emotions, you are grieving for someone you had a lot of feelings for and the loss will be immense. He is going to apologise and minimise and definitely won't take much responsibility for what he's done because he'll know he could get in a lot of trouble if he admits what he's done.

Can you find yourself a new therapist who can support you thru this?

[adel34]

Jung,
I'm so proud of you for the great work you did today! This is an amazing first step, and your determination to go against your tende! Though I can hear you're struggling you seemlike a very strong person with a lot of insight into things. It's great you're reaching out too!
It is a major loss in your life. Your therapy relationship was a relationship, very intimate, like a friend or significant other or something, though of course not exactly like that! But very important emotionally. So think of it like greeving the loss of someone like that, give it all the time you'd give any other important relationship.
In this case, you're right, it is a lot like leaving a cult, or the first thought I had was like leaving an abusive partner. His response of "I'm sorry I hurt you. I really care about you," I expected. It's like the abusive partner saying they'll never hit/insult/ do whatever to their partner again just to get them back. Please try not to fall for it!
I know it's hard too missing the daughters. This whole situation is so complicated, but you're facing it with great courage. Keep posting here and reaching out for support.

[archipelago]

You sound very strong to me. To break the connection took lots of courage. And wanting to do something healthy "against the grain" also shows strength and courage. Right now you are wounded and need time to heal. Trying to force too much at once might backfire. Trying to provide extra care for yourself and seeing if you can be gentle and soothing with yourself will be challenging. Also feeling the loss and hurt from ending such a relationship will take some recovery and time. You seem really clear-headed about this whole thing, even if your emotions are tangled up right now. It may be too hard to imagine or too soon, I'm not sure, but considering talking to someone, maybe a temporary counselor, just while you are recovering might help. Or going to a group where people might understand and give you support. And of course posting here since people seem genuinely concerned.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I suffered this kind of loss also, but I didn't have the courage to do what you are doing. It is traumatizing massively, and for you to have had a therapist that was so unethical, I know adds to your pain. I am so sorry you had to go through this.

I had to shift this pattern in my life, and it has been hell. It does get better with time, but I am 7 months off of the termination and I still get enraged/upset at the way I was terminated. I did find a therapist who is a really good fit for me; there is hope.

I hope when you are ready, that you are able to find a therapist who has boundaries and can give you therapy for your past therapy. It will get better, it just takes time.

Even with validating feedback, I watch myself spiral down, rationalize, minimize - all the things that got me into trouble in the first place.

I get this totally. My therapist has helped me with this, and I am starting to see a change. I know how painful it is not to believe in yourself.

Sending safe hugs your way.

[TheWell]

Jung, I think you did exactly the right thing. It must feel horrible but you are doing the right thing. You need to find a therapist who lives by good boundaries.

[Jungatheart]

Thank you all for your support. I sure don't feel strong right now.

Like Syra and Adel34 said, it really does feel like leaving an abusive partner or a cult. It feels like some brain washing has occurred. I feel like the real courage will be in staying true to my decision, in not contacting him, in not falling for his words. The real courage lies in being gentle with myself.

Thank you for the hope, that I will be able to trust myself again one day. That it takes time. I like the idea that any relationship where you have to become less, hide parts of yourself, is not healthy. That's something I can work with.

I know I really need a therapist to help me process this. I quit my job/no health insurance.....lots of free time to drive myself crazy. I'm living off a limited budget and interviewing for jobs. I think though that this is actually pretty dire, so I will see about finding a sliding scale T for at least a few sessions.

Being able to write and receive support on this forum has been really helpful to me. So thank you all.

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

I feel like the real courage will be in staying true to my decision, in not contacting him, in not falling for his words. The real courage lies in being gentle with myself. ....

Being able to write and receive support on this forum has been really helpful to me. So thank you all.

It was so so hard for me to cut off contact with my former T. I initially made a decision to not contact him for 30 days, no matter what. No phone, no e-mail, no nothing. Two of my friends both decided to give something up for 30 days too, and it helps knowing that they are supporting me in that way...it gives me strength when I just don't think I can make it.

I miss him terribly, and I try not to put myself in situations that trigger me. I only read certain threads on PC, I put away all of the gifts he gave me/notes he wrote to me so I wouldn't be looking at them all the time, and I try to stay focused on what's in front of me and not what's behind me.

Some days are harder than others, and the first couple of weeks were excruciating. But as more time passes, and there is more space between where I am now and and our last contact, it gets a little easier.

We had almost daily contact too, for five years. It's a big loss. Piling an unethical termination (mine) or a relationship without any boundaries (yours) on top of the loss makes it even harder, because there is so much anger to process as well.

One day at a time. You can do it, and the more support you can get around it - here and IRL - the better.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

Are you ever surprised by others responses in life? The kind that make you take a second look at yourself? Re-evaluate what your guiding force is?

Others responses to I guess what I would term as therapist abuse were eye opening. I broke all ties with T and his family today. It was tougher than I thought it would be. He sends me an email back about his care for me and that he was sorry that our “miscommunications hurt me”. His words are like torture and make me doubt myself. Even with validating feedback, I watch myself spiral down, rationalize, minimize - all the things that got me into trouble in the first place. I do think that reporting him is going to be an important piece of this process. I am not there yet. It’s still so scary to me.

Beyond the betrayal and manipulation by T, I feel like I am experiencing a major loss in my life.T spoke/emailed with me basically every day for the past year or more. I really enjoyed his support, liked hanging out with his daughters. I am haunted by lots of conflicting feelings - almost like I am trying to leave a cult. I was dependent on T, a pull that felt almost like an addiction. I was hooked from the first time he told me he cared about me.

So I continue to go against my grain - because my grain feels like that's how I hid the abuse/unethical behavior for so long. My grain feels like it leans towards total lack of boundaries, instant gratification, self blame. I don't trust my grain (migraine?) right now. I'm going to break this pattern. One way or another.

Has anyone out there really shifted a pattern in your life? Gone against your "grain", so to say? I'm looking for hope, strength, a purpose to this real pain and confusion.

I don't know your whole story, but from what you've written here, it sounds like you have made a good decision. Therapy is supposed to be about you and not about the therapist. It should have only been you and him in this relationship, not his family. Big red flag there.