Couch 46: How's tricks?

I feel bad that I can't connect with anyone right now. My H wants to give me a hug or a kiss...and I literally wave him away and cringe if he tries to get close..... and its not about him its about me...but he takes it so personally.

When I've been in a time period where I've been triggered/bad dreams/thoughts of the past, I get like this...

Its terribly mean and if he did it to me...I would be hurt but its involuntary... I can't help the cringe...

RTS - would he listen if you told him the reason?

Probably.... once I tried to explain that it is like I just have too much on my mind and it feels smothering...

I'm usually too agitated/annoyed and all together irritable to explain anything nicely... it comes out "get away"

I just can't handle people needing things from me during these times...

see its not like he's trying to support me by doing this... he thinks I'm mad at him when I get like this so its more about him wanting to know "we are okay" and not about "oh I can see your having a hard time what can I do to support you...." he's still number 1 in his thoughts...
(and I know its true because I asked and he said he thought I was mad)

Well I'm off for a late night "Walmart" run. Apparently my son lost his beach towel last year and for some reason is unwilling to take the old Elmo one, or the Finding Nemo one or the Fish are Friends not Food towel to his "after prom"... imagine that...

W is up , cant sleep so she came out to stare at me... Awesome.

I'm back...found a nice "manly" beach towel for him.

Okay, so she's not happy about the new job. You got the hint. Is the job even gonna be permanent? Testing an implementation could be temporary. Is she so independently wealthy that she can support you? Why isn't she in this for the long haul? Aside from that you guys were kinda fighting before anyway. Why do you have to make a decision now, I guess is what I'm asking. Why is everything right now with her? Am I reading that right? Am I just too old again??

Your right Hank... There is a little more to the story...yet I'm not going with her to BR... She in leaving at 6:45 am tomorrow

Lola, could she be worried about you? About leaving you alone?

that would be her issue...and not a reason to feel guilty for not going ...
(probably just projecting my feelings)

Yes I think that is part of it. I will use these days to really think about things. Ill need someone to talk to... Although she said that my "friends" on line have changed me.

Lola, what does she think is "different" about you? Do you see the "differences" as improvements? I"m not asking so you have to share just for you to "think" about.

No one stays the same forever...people grow and change all the time.... the goal is to try to do it together or at least in a complementary way....

Hey... I might have missed this so sorry but did you ever get in to see your T? If not could you get an evening skype session next week?

Right. WE changed YOU - by you putting yourself out there to help us. You know that's what abusive spouses say - your friends are no good, honey! I don't see why you can't just take a break for a weekend - it doesn't have to be the end of the world. She is power-trippin. In my mind, anyway! Tell her to come up here and help me clean my house, do a good deed, help an old lady out! If she has so much energy!

I'm sorry, I am nuts! I hope you two w ork this out. It's hot up in here.

off to bed...goodnight Lola and Hankster.

Thank you Hank....good night RS.

I get the entire change thing, I just don't know...,its a cross roads.

I'm such a lonely isane loser. After my last disasterous relationship effort I've joined a dating website.
Not that I'm saying people who use these sites are lonely insane losers...

Way to go BP... I love my online friends...it could be a good thing.

Could be, you can screen who you want to see you on this one.

What are you doing still up?

I have trouble with clean-shaven men due to CSA. They could be extremely nice but if they try to kiss me, I nearly vomit and pass out. I'm discussing this next week with T. I haven't kissed a clean-shaven man since I was 14 or 15.

Here I am again talking to my many friends.

Cant sleep and that is how I felt about having facial hair.... I hated it

And why can't you sleep. LC?

Are you home? or still away? I haven't had time to catch up yet.

I meant men with facial hair and W and I are fighting .... So I'm up