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#26
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Spoke to T again this afternoon. He was checking on me to see that I had contacted my pdoc (which I hadn't quite yet at that time). I had called and made an appointment, but it isn't until next Wednesday. T wasn't comfortable with me waiting 10 more days to speak to pdoc, so he managed to convince me to call for phone consult.
T used an analogy that completely "feels" like what is going on with me. It is like I am in a car and the accelerator has gotten stuck, but now I'm at the top of a hill about to go careening downhill and there is a brick wall at the bottom that I'm about to hit. He reminded me that I can crash in a matter, not just of days or even hours, but that he's seen me crash literally in a matter of minutes. I had forgetten that, but he sure hasn't; he said my ability to crash so fast scares the heck out of him. So, I put in a call to pdoc, and he got back to me just a few minutes ago. Back on the lithium but at double the dose he had me on previously (still not as big a dose as I've taken in the past, but should kick in well). No wellbutrin at this point as it can be activating. He's also calling in something for sleep. I'll go pick them up later. Today the mania hasn't been so pleasant which is one of the reasons I realize I'm about to head down that hill. My thoughts are racing and really scattered. I jump from one task to the other, one activity to the next, one thought to the next constantly. Makes it really hard to complete anything at work to any satisfaction. Starting to feel my anxiety level rising. I'm dreading the crash that is on its way. This is not going to be good. Last edited by Anonymous100110; Apr 15, 2013 at 07:51 PM. |
![]() Anonymous100300, Anonymous33425, Anonymous37917, BonnieJean, FourRedheads, rainbow8, tooski
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#27
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Its been a rough 3 weeks... My last session with T (2weeks ago on Thurs) was the most emotion I've shown. Even though I see my T every other week, I would have made a special appt to see her last week because I was so low... but she was away. In a few days, it will be time for my appt but now I'm so shut down and I have myself convinced that I'm fine and I don't need therapy. I've been planning how to quit.
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#28
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My T's receptionist just called and he had a cancellation this afternoon and wants me to come in at 4:00. Thank God! I think He's looking out for me.
I do think I'm sliding very quickly from manic to mixed to depressed and the slide sucks. I hate this. This is the aspect of bipolar disorder that people just don't understand. These extreme shifts in mood/activity level/energy are so very out of any ability to control. There is no psychological "root" to what is happening right now; this is very biological. Therapy won't do crap to help "fix" this/understand this, etc. As T said yesterday to me, no amount of talking is going to make this better right now. This is a medical issue at this point that pdoc has to help get a handle on. This is when I truly understand why this is called a mental "illness", and I hate it. What T will do today is work with me on skills to manage the symptoms while I wait for the meds to kick in an do their thing. That time and support system helps reassure me that if my symptoms reach a breaking point, I will have him (and pdoc) to call on in that emergency. It reminds me of the steps I need to be taking, the warnings I need to keep look out for, and the decisions I will need to make if and when I see certain things happening to me symptom-wise. Did I say I hate this? Sorry. I'm in a mixed bipolar state right now which comes across as really angry and irritable. I hate this. |
![]() Anne2.0, Anonymous33425, Anonymous37917, FourRedheads, pbutton, rainbow8, tooski
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#29
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Saw T this afternoon and he wants me in the hospital now. In fact, he really wanted my husband to drive me directly from his office to the hospital. That didn't happen. I don't have a job I can just drop and walk away from without a bit of preparation. I also need to get bills, etc. in line here at home; my husband's memory problems makes him unreliable at best about remembering to do such things.
I came home and gave my pdoc a call. He called right back and agreed with T that I need to be in the hospital where I can have more constant support and my meds can be adjusted more aggressively. He would have liked me to check in tonight also, but that just isn't a possibility. My plan at this point is to get instructions together and grades as updated as possible tomorrow so that I can walk away without the stress of leaving my classes in a shambles in more ways than one. Next week is state testing, so I won't be seeing two of my 3 classes for 3 of the days next week anyway, so I can be gone and not feel like I'm missing to much instructional time with students. Pdoc told me to call him tomorrow if my plan is to check in tomorrow evening which I think at this point it is if I don't chicken out between now and then . I'm really not scared to go; in fact, I think it will be a relief to be there because what I am feeling and experiencing right now is very uncomfortable and frightening in its own right. I know the hospital will be safe and intervention/help will be at my immediate disposal. I just put in a message for T to call me tonight. Hopefully I'll hear from him in the next hour (assuming the pdoc who is on call in his office listens to the voice mail -- I'm sure he will; they haven't failed me yet.) |
![]() Anne2.0, Anonymous33425, confused and dazed, pbutton, rainbow8
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#30
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Hi Chris - Just hope everything is OK with you. Please check in when you get a chance so we know you're all right. Sending positive thoughts your way.
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__________________
Resistances crack & true heart's desires break forth. The eruption of a new calling frightens & astounds, shaking the Self to its core. |
#31
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Hi Chris,... let us know how you are doing when you have the opportunity. I've been praying for you.
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#32
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I'm actually doing pretty good! I've felt 'well' and in a good mood for a WEEK now. Tired, still, but it's like the fog has lifted and I can actually see. I'm being creative, I'm making things, doing things, making decisions and plans for the future. I actually have some hope and enthusiasm and drive, and don't feel broken. I've been seeing my T for almost 2 years now, and today she said she had never experienced my being like this before. We've had many great sessions, but today was a really happy session
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![]() kaliope, photostotake
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![]() pbutton, rainbow8, tooski
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#33
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Made it home in time to surprise the boys when we picked them up from school. We all ate out and spent some time just being with each other.
Kind of tired now though. Glad I don't have to go back to work until Monday. |
![]() photostotake, tooski
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#34
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Just wanted to check in somewhere:
Had a really good appointment with my T yesterday. Our previous session had been really rough, so I was a bit nervous going in, but things mostly went super well. We talked about what happened last time, and we talked about some of the stuff going on. She wants to see me weekly for the next couple months, so that makes me feel a little more secure. The only bad part was that she said something that confirmed one of my biggest fears about our therapy relationship, and that threw me off quite a bit. She just said it and kept talking, so I don't think she has any idea how big it is for me, so I'll have to figure out a way to bring it up with her next time I see her, especially since it is going to be on my mind a LOT for the next week. But other than that, things are good in that area now. Just have to get the rest of my life under control! ![]() |
![]() Anonymous33425, BonnieJean, pbutton
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#35
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Sorry to hear that nessaea - do you want to say what it is?
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#36
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Busy day running errands. I saw T this morning. He was surprised my pdoc had discharged me so soon; usually my stays are a little longer. It was a good session.
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#37
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good to hear you are doing well, just some girl. I have been doing really fantastic, but now I worry that im not so fantastic and im really manic instead. worse, I left two freak out messages for t and now I am embarrassed to go see him.
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![]() Anonymous33425
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#38
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I've been having some anxiety and crying. I have an appt w/ my T tomorrow
__________________
#SpoonieStrong Spoons are a visual representation used as a unit of measure to quantify how much energy individuals with disabilities and chronic illnesses have throughout a given day. 1). Depression 2). PTSD 3). Anxiety 4). Hashimoto 5). Fibromyalgia 6). Asthma 7). Atopic dermatitis 8). Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria 9). Hereditary Angioedema (HAE-normal C-1) 10). Gluten sensitivity 11). EpiPen carrier 12). Food allergies, medication allergies and food intolerances. . 13). Alopecia Areata |
![]() FourRedheads, nessaea, pbutton, tinyrabbit
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#39
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Thanks for asking tinyrabbit, but I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it yet. I feel like it is a stupid thing and is completely wrong of me to be thinking, so I'm kind of ashamed to bring it up...even here! (Which probably doesn't bode well for talking about it with my T, does it?)
:P |
![]() rainbow8
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#40
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Great day, great week, even though this was the last week for psychodrama.
I couldn't resist letting my therapist know how I felt in an email this afternoon: *Just Because...I can, "I love you." GTGT *No need for a better reason. I am glad that you can. Love you too. Therapist Last edited by Anonymous35535; Apr 26, 2013 at 10:05 PM. Reason: Spelling |
#41
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Not a good day. I've had a whopping headache, blurred vision, and stomach problems all day. I'm a bit worried this may be a side effect issue with the saphris, but it's hard to know at this point. The headache and vision issue might also be allergies. I caught the pollen count on the news, and everything is in the very high range. That does cause me problems, so I'll just see how the next few days go. I see pdoc on Tuesday, so if I'm still having problems then, I can address it with him directly.
Needless to say I've been a bit low today. On a more positive note, my high school son who was hospitalized in January has been nominated for an award by the special education department for his work with the severe and profoundly handicapped students. He is a teacher's aide, and really has a way with those students. He's feeling good about things. |
![]() BonnieJean, confused and dazed
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![]() rainbow8, SallyBrown, tooski
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#42
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My day is kinda ok. It's raining outside which usually puts me in a low depressed mood. I have no plan to get out today. Prob be on PC a lot today.
__________________
#SpoonieStrong Spoons are a visual representation used as a unit of measure to quantify how much energy individuals with disabilities and chronic illnesses have throughout a given day. 1). Depression 2). PTSD 3). Anxiety 4). Hashimoto 5). Fibromyalgia 6). Asthma 7). Atopic dermatitis 8). Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria 9). Hereditary Angioedema (HAE-normal C-1) 10). Gluten sensitivity 11). EpiPen carrier 12). Food allergies, medication allergies and food intolerances. . 13). Alopecia Areata |
#43
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I took a walk with a friend @ 6:30 A.M. Then I saw my therapist at 9:00. I thought my appt was at 10:00. I showered in record time, and was 7minutes late. And, I didn't beat myself up for being late. I hate late. Progress on my part. I don't even remember apologizing. Wow! It was a good session with laughter, and lots of holding. Again, she let me know, I'm getting 'whole.' I feel it, too. I will miss having her like this when therapy is officially over.
I still didn't get my laundry done. Mañana. My afternoon siesta is almost over, and I'm off to a yummy grown-up dinner, then to a play @ 8:00, with a good friend. I only hope I can stay awake till the end. I get to go back to therapy on Monday. There is something to be said about having a regular routine. I'm starting to like it. Yes, I like my life, and I'm learning to like me. That's why my therapist kept beaming at me today. She said I've been beaming myself all week - she noticed - lovely. |
![]() 1stepatatime, BonnieJean
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![]() rainbow8
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#44
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Spoke to the pdoc on call this morning about my headache, vision, etc., and we decided to see how the day went. Still some vision issues, but not nearly the headache and no sore neck, so I suspect this issue is the horrible pollen count. My son said he was miserable with allergies to yesterday.
Spent the evening with my son's girlfriend browsing the internet looking for furniture, etc. for their apartment. Then she and I went out for frozen yogurt and did a bit of shopping. It was nice to have some girl time with her. Living in a house of all boys, girl time is pretty much non-existant. |
#45
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So tonight I went bowling with three of my friends....it was good to get out and do something fun. I was happy because my T emailed me from wherever it is that she is on a vaca. I'm just worried because my daughter leaves for the Navy boot camp next Sunday, my T won't be back until 5/14 so as much as I am trying not to project, I worry about how I will handle these changes. I wish my T was in town
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![]() Anonymous35535, Cocosurviving, nessaea, rainbow8
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#46
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I loved my dinner, the play was good, and the company enjoyable. I'm able to hold onto the good - no longer afraid that the good feelings won't last or I don't deserve them. More progress.
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![]() HealingTimes
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#47
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Just woken up and it's such a beautiful day! I am going to take my children to the lake and have a walk around it, it's a really lovely walk.
I feel good ![]()
__________________
“Change, like healing, takes time.”. Veronica Roth, Allegiant |
![]() 1stepatatime, nessaea
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#48
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Decided this isn't med side effects. YAY!! But I am absolutely miserable with allergies: headache, blurred vision, etc. Our pollen count is sky high and won't get better for a few days at least.
I see T tomorrow and pdoc on Tuesday. Lots to talk about with them both. |
![]() 1stepatatime, rainbow8
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#49
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My day has been good. Depression did not win.
I was pretty motivated today. I stayed inside but I completed a lot of tasks. 1. Washed dishes 2. Mopped the kitchen floor 3. Washed and folded a load of laundry 4. Cooked pork chops and green beans (I hadn't cooked since Oct)
__________________
#SpoonieStrong Spoons are a visual representation used as a unit of measure to quantify how much energy individuals with disabilities and chronic illnesses have throughout a given day. 1). Depression 2). PTSD 3). Anxiety 4). Hashimoto 5). Fibromyalgia 6). Asthma 7). Atopic dermatitis 8). Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria 9). Hereditary Angioedema (HAE-normal C-1) 10). Gluten sensitivity 11). EpiPen carrier 12). Food allergies, medication allergies and food intolerances. . 13). Alopecia Areata |
![]() 1stepatatime, FourRedheads, nessaea
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#50
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I had a good nights sleep, and woke up feeling okay, but wanted to be held by my therapist. Sent her this email:
Can you hold me today? Her response: GTGT, "Normally I would say yes. However, this is the first day in a long while that I had no one scheduled, and no other commitments, and so I promised the day to My Kiddo - 100% at her disposal for whatever she might want. I have to honor that promise. (Am doing a quick check of emails while she has a shower - am then turning it off for rest of the day). Please, take care of yourself. Be good to you. I'll look forward to seeing you tomorrow." Love you, FM My response: "Good for you!" GTGT Well I enacted my defense mechanism of yawning, and sleeping. At 3:00 I was explaining to my son how that works for me. He believes its just laziness. I can yawn a hundred times in 2-3 minutes. I know this latest episode has to do with my therapist being busy. I will not bury it. We will discuss it tomorrow in session. The difference is I'm aware of the pattern, and looking at what drives it on my own and/or with my therapist. Then, and only then, can I change it. Ah - more progress. Spent time talking with my own kiddo - love those moments - and now stuck doing loads of laundry. And, I am doing them myself, not hiring help. More progress. |
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