The darker side

An article from The Indy newspaper.

Now, however, new hope is on the horizon for chronic sulkers with a recognition that their moody episodes are a silent call for help, and that sulking can be a major personality and mood disorder requiring intense psychological therapy.
Sulking is generally thought of as something which children do rather than adults, but it is a major blight on many adult lives. "It is a little known fact that sulking can take on a degree of severity where it becomes a clinical phenomenon, a personality disorder,'' says psychotherapist and author Adam Edward Jukes. A sulk is a reaction to feelings of being rejected where, instead of getting openly angry or talking about the problem, the sulker retaliates with moody silences or monosyllabic replies designed as a punishment. It is closely associated with envy and a desire to destroy the contentment of the other person.
The object of the sulk is to force the other person to make the first attempt at patching things up so that the sulker can then reject them, thus extracting revenge. After what is considered an acceptable period of time, depending upon the gravity of the perceived misdemeanour, the sulker accepts reparation.
Researchers have found that most people sulk at times, and it is a strategy frequently adopted by children as a non-confrontational way of getting their own way. In adults, short sulks can be regarded as attractive. But in its chronic forms, it is a problem that needs treatment.
The causes of chronic sulking are not clear. There might be a genetic component, but one of the latest theories is that it develops in childhood as a punishment for mum in a way which is least likely to trigger chastisement. According to Jukes, sulking in men can also be the first, vital sign of abuse: "In my experience, a very high proportion of abusers are prone to severe attacks of sulking, and have been in a sulk for most of their lives, deriving as it does from the basic fault and desire to punish the inadequate primary carer, mother,'' says Jukes, author of Men Who Batter Women.
"Most abuse is incremental. It starts in a small way, maybe with sulking, and then escalates. It is very rare that a man begins with a vicious attack. They often start by feeling resentment and then withdrawing.''
Fits of sulking are usually provoked by an immovable sense of injustice, victimisation and unfairness which leads to a withdrawal and the build up of smouldering resentment.
"It can be very serious and disturbing to see. I have seen men with chronic sulking where homicide or suicide are real issues. In fights over child custody, for instance, they talk about killing themselves `to see where that gets her','' says Jukes.
At the heart of the problem is the inability to articulate feelings. The sufferer withdraws, and sulking becomes the preferred form of communication. One of the first steps in therapy is to get the sulker to recognise they are sulking. Many refuse to do so. They invariably blame the other person and find it impossible to make the first move. One aim of treatment is to get sufferers to articulate their concerns. Group therapy is particularly effective, where anything is allowed except sulking. Anyone who gets in a huff is ignored.
`Men Who Batter Women' is published by Routledge this week

Trigger:



Wow. Some of this really hit home. Like being about envy and destroying the other person's contentment. My mother was a major sulker. To where we just let her be. She eventually found a 2nd job. That sounds ridiculous but it was true.

Thanks for the article. I just had a conversation with someone about this recently. We talked about why folks sulk and the impact it has on those around them. Some sulkers, withrawers like me also were flat out told that they needed to go away with those feelings. Folks can be taught that it is not OK to express their feeling and that it is too much for those around them to bare. The result of sulking can end up hurting the very ones that couldn't tolerate their feelings in the first place as well as others.

It's good to read this post and again here how this can impact those around the sulker.

Sometimes when I withdraw I am taking care of myself, helping myself breath, comforting myself.
Soemtimes when I withdraw I am sulking and hoping to punish the other for making me feel so bad.
Sometimes when I withdraw I want a time-out until we can calm down so it doesn't escalate.
I'm not sure someone else could tell the difference (except for when I actually articulate a time-out to calm down.

Syra, unspoken communication is as effective as spoken. I can tell if I'm with someone whose thinking things over calmly or whether their caught in silent sulky passive aggressive behaviour. It's not that difficult to tell.

Perhaps you are better than I am.

Not sure it's about being better.

Reading this article brought some very specific people from work to mind who seem to wear their sulkiness on their sleeve very "loudly" for the world to see. I don't run into this so much in my personal life; we've gotten to be pretty open and communicative around here. But some people seem to sulk as if to say, "Everybody look. I'm the victim here. Everyone is out to make my life miserable and difficult. The world is against me." ("But I'm not going to talk about it because I'd rather pout and drag all of you down with me.")

Whether that is really there intent or not, I have no idea (because they won't just communicate honestly what is going on with them to anyone in the first place.)

I like that last couple of sentences of the article: "Group therapy is particularly effective, where anything is allowed except sulking. Anyone who gets in a huff is ignored." That is kind of the dynamic that I see happening in work, although work is obviously not group therapy. Those that sulk the "loudest" are ironically the most often ignored because people really find that behavior passive-aggressive, completely irritating, entirely negative and demoralizing to everyone around them, and just really an immature way to "handle" stress.

Perhaps you are better at tell[ing] if ...with someone whose thinking things over calmly or whether their caught in silent sulky passive aggressive behaviour. It's not that difficult to tell. I'm not that confident.

I think if you sat with someone you'd get a gut feeling as to what was going on.

I am a sulker with my H... he doesn't take my feelings into consideration (he admitted this) so it gets tiring to keep sharing my feelings when they are ignored... but its unlikely that I'd go off the deep end and become homicidal.

I think we disagree about my abilities. I imagine I might get a gut feeling. I have had those. I'm not sure how often my gut feelings are accurate.

This sounds like a new label for characteristics that are already recognized as problematic --or maybe it's an attempt to destigmatize, in a way, the behavior by calling it 'sulking.' Seems to be describing passive aggressive and manipulative behavior to me, also externalizing sources of problems -it's others' fault that I'm feeling and behaving this way, etc.

The interesting thing about this label, though -sulking- is that it is normally a word associated with children, and the behavior described is a kind of 'primitive' or child-like method of coping in relationships, especially the perceptions of rejection and abandonment in relationship.

Interesting article -thanks.

It doesn't sound to me like this article is referring to the kind withdrawing you are referring to in your case.