Feelings about seeing my T tomorrow

I want to clarify a few things. First, my T never said I couldn't ask about her family, just her H. She never even said I couldn't talk about him, just that she didn't want to talk about him. There has never been a boundary about asking about her kids. She's kind of loose about boundaries. I think if their marriage had been okay back then, she would have been okay with it. I remember when I did ask her something once and she answered. She even showed me a photo of him on her phone. So nothing has ever been crystal clear. What's clear is that she wants T to be about me, not her.

tinyrabbit, thanks. Yes, when we do SE it's about how I am in the room with her, right then. But it's always okay with her to bring up anything I'm thinking or wondering about her. Like I posted, she did not say that I crossed a boundary when I asked her today. She was kind of glad I figured it out, I think. My T is flexible. She's not all into rigid boundaries. She DID NOT say it was a mistake to ask her. I'm repeating that! She was NOT caught off guard, she said. She had a week to prepare because I emailed her about it last Tuesday after that session. But she did tell me that she changed her mind after she wasn't honest in her answer. She said it didn't feel right not to be honest with me, and she wanted to tell me.

Since I'm a great one for overstepping boundaries with my t and vice versa, today when I brought up the topic of our rupture two years ago, I told him I felt a) that I would never know the truth and b) that he felt I couldn't handle the truth. And even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I told him I reAlized those statements were more directed towards my mother than to him. So the relationship with t is important in that it helped me see how I directly applied the principle of the r/s with my mother, ie the transference. Then i did more whining but he said it was good - I showed anger that i didn't show before, and I didn't overeat afterwards.

Tinyrabbit:
"I'm very late to this thread but wanted to comment on this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
It hurts me too much to think that therapy isn't somewhat about the relationship between my T and me. Most people agree, in one of the threads on the forum, that the relationship between them and their T is very important.

Do you also think it's wrong for therapy to be about her and me in the room? That's the way my T does therapy. It's NOT about her personal life, but about her and me.

I think therapy is about the relationship between you and her as a T. It's not about you and her as she is fully in her life.

I don't think it's wrong for therapy to be about you and her in the room, but you need to be expecting the right part of her in the room. Does that make sense?"
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Just to be clear, the bolded words are Rainbow's, not mine.

Rainbow - I find your experience with your therapist very fascinating. I wonder if I'd be as interested in my T's life outside the therapy room if my T had divulged much about her life.

I don't ask my T questions and now in 3rd year I still do not know if she's married or has children. I do know where she went to school (diploma on wall) and I do know where she grew up (she visited step-mother last year) and I know her specialty.

Even without knowing much about her personal life, she and I have had lots of occasions of interpersonal - what's the word - engagement, conflict, tenderness, etc. I feel I DO know her - just not the specifics of her life but rather the PERSON who she is.

I think it's great how hard you're working to create some detachment from your T. I believe strongly that our biggest issues are played out with our therapists. Of the many books that explained this, one of my favorites is "Attachment in Psychotherapy" by Wallin.

I sympathize with your struggle. Each of us has our own struggles and I will never criticize you while you're processing your issues here. I applaud you on being so candid on this forum and I know you've helped a lot of people process their own thoughts/feelings about attachment to their T's.

Thank you, skysblue. I appreciate your kind words to me. I agree with you. I know my T mostly from our interactions, and I probably know her better that way than from knowing anything personal about her. I also know her from the things in her office, but that's something else. The connection between my T and myself is NOT based on anything I asked her, or looked up about her. It's based on the way she interacts with me and how she treats me.

I've been wanting to read Wallin's book. I've seen him talk on youtube.

My T doesn't judge me about boundaries. She's just curious about why I do things. We talk about rules, like about the email situation. It was trial and error. She changed them because, as she said, we have to readjust as she got to know me better. Everything is okay with me and my T!

I'm even okay about getting triggered when she was on the phone laughing, after my session yesterday. It's the baby/child part who was upset, and that's something to work on more. I observed my reactions and could look at it non-judgementally. The incident gave me information, and I am sure that my T and I can use it to help me heal from the wounds that cause me to be triggered in situations like that.

I know your therapist was fine with your question and you two are good, as I suspected. To me this issue has never been about your therapeutic relationship per se, just about you yourself and boundaries. Not her. Not your relationship. Not how she reacted (which I suspected would be fine).

I want to clarify a few things. First, my T never said I couldn't ask about her family, just her H.

Sorry, Rainbow, but this is splitting hairs down to the root. Her H is a part of her marriage, obviously.

Rainbow - as long as it is working for you, then I think it is all fine. Sometimes I think all of the mental parts, even splitting hairs (although I do not see it as such), need to be gone through and it is a beneficial exercise. I hope it keeps going well for you.

I'm stumbling a little bit when I read this. Do you know this to be true? Or is this your opinion?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ultramar
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Sorry, Rainbow, but this is splitting hairs down to the root. Her H is a part of her marriage, obviously.


I'm stumbling a little bit when I read this. Do you know this to be true? Or is this your opinion?

No, sorry for the confusion, the bolded part was written by Rainbow:

I want to clarify a few things. First, my T never said I couldn't ask about her family, just her H.

ultramar, I don't want to keep contradicting you because your intentions are to be helpful, but other people in my real life, including my T, disagree with you. It's just your opinion that it's splitting hairs and I DO value your opinion. However, I KNOW the truth because I'm the one in the room with my T. I know what she didn't like when I asked questions about her H about a year ago. This was different. When I asked her if I crossed a boundary and apologized if I did, that's when she said: "You've known me a long time--more than 3 years." Unfortunately, I don't remember her words after that, but never was it anything about crossing a boundary! I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree. Okay? We can't possibly settle this, so I think it's time to drop it. I'll try do my part and won't talk about it again.

Well said Rainbow, it's good to see you minding yourself

Thanks. It feels good, too. I've never been very assertive or strong, and I usually feel powerless. I want to always be nice, but I think I can be assertive and nice at the same time.

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deleted because of my confusion