[Sooooloney]

Has anyone else had obsessive thoughts, fantasies about their therapist. I realize this is pretty standard because this person has helped you and been kind and understanding and empathic but I don't seem to be able to stop myself from obsessing about what this therapist thinks about me or how he feels about me. It takes up a lot of time and energy and is ultimately very depressing because I know deep down that he doesn't think about me or feel anything about me outside of the therapeutic relationship we have shared. How have others gotten over these feelings?

[(JD)]

I guess it would matter how LONG you have been fighting these thoughts that would categorize them as obsessive or not??? If what you are discussing in therapy is connected to needing to feel close to the T, that would be fine imo.

If you have had these thoughts for more than several months, then certainly I would think a good discussion with your T about them would help you cope better, and allow the thoughts to lessen over time. Certainly if they continue to distress you.

TC!

[Sooooloney]

I have had these thoughts for over three years. I have stopped seeing my therapist - well almost - my son had some serious issues last month so I went back after a few months' break to seek help for that. I thought not seeing him would lessen the attraction but I seem to be hanging on to it. I presently have no plans to resume therapy with him or anyone else because I shouldn't think the way I do. Not because it's particularly morally wrong but because it makes me feel bad and eventually leads to depressive episodes.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry they are so upsetting for you. I would like to see you continue in therapy. Things tend to not get better on their own, and since you already have a connection with this therapist, why not? Maybe hearing from the T himself, that such thoughts are normal, plus a short term focus upon them, with discussion, would surely lessen their effect upon you, imo.

Depression tells us lies. It really is ok to feel close to your T. Usually, ppl who need long term therapy have relationship issues anyway, and having these feelings within a safe context i.e. with an ethical T, will help you to learn about safe relationships, and feelings, imo. Your T is used to helping ppl with these thoughts and feelings.

You sound like you've already done much of the work in building trust with the T, now why not take the next step and reap more of the reward for the effort?

[Sarah116]

Sort of, I wonder a lot about my doctors. Sometimes I wonder too much.

[Sooooloney]

I realize it's hard not to have a "love" relationship with your therapist, especially if he or she fulfills some of your needs for compassion and understanding but I have taken what he has offered and misinterpreted it as reciprocal personal interest in me. This appeals to me greatly. Even though I haven't seen him in weeks, the feelings are every bit as strong and the thoughts every bit as obsessive. He's on vacation right now but when he's in town I "bump" into him regularly. I arrange my day around these "chance" encounters. It's not that I talk to him or anything. The encounters are not usually that close. He lives near me and I walk my dog at a time when I know he might be driving by or I go to the bank near his office or have coffee at a nearby coffeeshop on the off chance that I may see him. It's akin to stalking but not quite or at least I hope not quite because I couldn't really live with that thought. When I was in therapy with him we did discuss my "positive" feelings for him but I didn't get past it.

[Hopefull]

I have caught myself thinking of my T in a somewhat more fund way than I would like. I discovered a few weeks ago that she cares about me. I spend two or three days thinks "___ cares about me." over and over. I cried and grin off and on all that day. I found myself thinking that I love her. But, it really just that I love her words. She is so darn good at saying what I need to hear at times. But she has only just hit the She understands me and cares about me point now. I rarely have anyone get that far with me. It took six months for that. I think I will get to where I trust her as a person rather than as a professional.
I hope you find a way to deal with these thoughts. It might help to talk to old T or a new T for a while.

I don't have any helpful advice, but I wanted you to know that I do the same thing.

There is nothing wrong with thinking about your therapists past or present. it just means you connected with and trusts /trusted them to help you.

My therapists know when I am seeing them I do think about them as a way to calm myself and they have all told me there is nothing wrong with that. In fact they welcomed it.

When I told SKR about my doing a relaxation visualization at night of imagining the people that were in a support group I was in, in another state, were in my home at strategic points (windows, doors, ) through out my home gauntlet style and then a couple in my bedroom and SKR and a friend on each side of my bed and sometimes I imagine one or the other holding me while I go to sleep. To enhance this relaxation visualization I arrange my pillows into a V shape and lay or curl up in the middle of it as if I am in SKR's arms. SKR thought that was wonderful how I learned to self nurture myself with relaxation visualizations and added to this by giving me a small scented pillow. Its one of those eye relaxation bead pillows you can buy at bed and bath stores and isles in department stores. SKR has not been in my life as a therapist for over 2 years but I still use that relaxation visualization from time to time and that bead pillow is right there with me.

LL (my present therapist) knows I do relaxation visualizations to help myself go to sleep at night and they include my imaging my therapist is here with me. She has added to this by the two of us doing relaxation visualizations during therapy sessions and when we do we record them so that I can put on the recording at home and imagine she is with me doing them at night or anytime that I need to use them.

his topic comes up alot here so there are more threads about this here. you can find them by doing a search by clicking on - advanced search - at the top of the page. I have found the best way for me to use the search area is type in the topic and then in the days fiels change that one to years and the other one that says older than I put one day that way all the threads on my chosen search topic shows up.

[winterbaby]

yes it is so so hard isn't it. I think that is mother nature's way (some biological thing in our minds) to let us know we still have work to do on ourselves and with this therapist. Unfinished business so to speak.
As to how long it takes, it does vary, I would think as long as you are seeing him, it would be hard not to have these thoughts. Maybe try working them through again and again with him until you are clear about what you need from him, and how he understands your feelings and can help you with them.I don't think there's anything wrong with bringing it up as often as you need to discuss it.
I think sometimes we have to dwell on something until we are well and truly sick of thinking about it! (remembering my teenage crushes on Donny Osmond. ha ha ha. ) I know its not the same. I just remember thinking, Iwill NEVER get over him. LOL!!!!

[Determined]

One way I have kicked my obsessive thoughts about someone I felt was paying attention to me was to find out more about them. I had a teacher who was very willing to pay attention to his students. I looked up his number to find out where he lived and found his house, he was married and had kids. It went along way to realizing there was nothing special between us he was just doing his job. He was my teacher for two more years and I was able to give up my obsessions around him. I was able to see that he had similar interests in other students as well so I just read too much into it.

[Sooooloney]

Your input has been very helpful. At least I don't feel like a freak. How can something so helpful, cause so much pain. Intellectually it makes sense that we need transference in a therapeutic relationship in order to work through the foggy mess that's in our minds. It makes sense and it's rational. BUT, intuitively the therapist (in my case of the opposite sex) is attractive, caring, empathic and insightful. Who wouldn't be attracted to him? He moved into my neighborhood (less than two blocks away) two years after I started therapy with him. I took it as a sign - yeah right. He originally comes from the same part of the country as I do - Kismet don't you think? We both like the color green. The list goes on and on. You get the picture. I dwell on the similarities and build sandcastles in my mind. I don't receive that kind of positive reinforcement from anyone else so I guess it makes sense that I would seek it out. But it's one-sided and empty and that's what's really wrong with it. I depend on this one-sided relationship to fill my needs and I don't want any other and therein lies the problem.

Tansference is putting problems onto the therapist to be worked out. for example a client feeling like the therapist is acting like their abuser when the therapist is trying to get the client to work on a problem. then in the process the client lets the therapist know by saying something like "you're just like so and so"

Attachment is carring about the therapist, thinking about the therapist, dreaming about the therapist.

The way I keep the two straight is with the saying -

I am attached to those friends and significant others in my life.

and also - transfering means moving something - a lamp from a desk to a stand. a paper from the notebook to the table.

so transfering in therapy is moving from one therapist to another to get work done.

and transference is moving a problem from me to the therapist to work on it.

hang in there.

[Sooooloney]

That makes perfect sense. I haven't ever thought of my therapist as my abuser or as those I have lost trust in so it is not transference but rather attachment issues that I'm dealing with. Unfortunately, getting to know more about him hasn't been particularly helpful because I still think he's great. Thanks for pointing out that distinction though.

[Hopefull]

I liked the transferance explanation. I have always found it easy for me to know the difference. I usually recognize the one by the fact that I am responding emotionally to the person as if they are my step-father.
As for attachment issues, I think we get those because our T's satisfy a lot fo psychological needs. This makes us feel more intimate with them than with a lot of other people. I suspect that you may find that you still have some strong psychological needs. The last time I saw a counselor, I didn't hardly miss him when he terminated sessions. Now, I find that I like to play his old tape just to hear his voice. I miss him because he fulfilled psychological needs and my strange compulsion for a counselor is really strong now. Perhaps, you could try to find a way to fulfill some of your pschological needs here, pretend therapy sessions in your mind and other techniques that you have been taught.

[Peanuts]

I do this also. The therapist who helped us find a path towards helping our son who was displaying very aggressive behavior and was a pre-schooler at the time - I think about him often. And I wonder what he is doing and how his family is etc etc. Even though we did not spend a ton of time with him, he was just so pivital in getting the path started that helped my son that he will forever be special to me.

When I've run into him in public, I always feel nervous or giddy or something - it is very annoying and confusing to me that I react that way. I don't know what it all means and I never really paid attention to whether I'm spending too much time thinking about him. I don't think it is too much time - but I never really thought about it until I read your post and all the replys. I wonder if it could be that when you make a human connection that touches you deeply and personally - it makes a profound impact.

I suppose that if you are concerned or bothered by your thoughts about this therapist, perhaps you could make contact with him to work through it. Its better then suffering. And if it doesn't help, you will be no worse off.

good luck

[JustAPixie]

This is quite an issue... it seems like a lot of people develop feelings for their T's, including me, and obssess about them. I don't have the answer to that one, but I would sure like to know.

I am also having "thought" anout my T, but I haven't had the guts to brought it up yet... there has to be an answer if it's such a general thing and good way to get rid of these thoughts!

[(JD)]

I think the idea in general is not worry about these thoughts, and don't work to get rid of them! Transference can also be good... you can treat the T like someone you care about very much, or who cared about you ...or someone you wanted to care for you... and it does help the therapeutic process. Having a bond with your T is a good thing. Enjoy!

[biiv]

this is such a problem for me too. i always thought i was being seriously sick to feel so fond of my T and visualise her being there when i need to calm down or just go to sleep so i have always really struggled to avoid doing that. i guess it does make sense to think about and feel for someone whos there for you and listens. its good to know others have the same feelings!