Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old May 29, 2013, 09:24 PM
Miswimmy1's Avatar
Miswimmy1 Miswimmy1 is offline
~ wingin' it ~
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,791
In short, I sent new t an email over the weekend about my feelings and such about old t (so that i could coherently explain myself when not in tears in her office). I put a lot of thought into it and made myself very vulnerable. she talked about a little bit, but nothing major. I had basically told her that if she wasn't willing to meet me halfway and explain things to me, then i would not be able to efficiently work with her. I think that in itself deserved a conversation. But no mention of it whatsoever. We proceeded on to play jenga the entire session as an ice breaker.

i am very frustrated that this new t too doesn't seem to be listening either. I told her some (of what I thought were important things), and she didn't even bring it up. I was basically showing her how heartbroken I was and she didn't even mention it. I now feel very vulnerable because I shared with her all these feelings and she has them, but is not aknowledging them. It makes me confused and angry and if I had known it wouldn't have done me any good, then I wouldn't have written them. Because now they are out and no one is helping me cope with them any more than they had before.
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hugs from:
1stepatatime, Anonymous32930, Anonymous58205, Bill3, herethennow, Raging Quiet, rainbow8, tinyrabbit

advertisement
  #2  
Old May 29, 2013, 09:26 PM
stopdog stopdog is offline
underdog is here
 
Member Since: Sep 2011
Location: blank
Posts: 35,154
It may be that you have to bring it up to her in person. Have you talked to her about writing?
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1
  #3  
Old May 29, 2013, 09:58 PM
ultramar ultramar is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,486
It sounds like, that by starting with the game, she is trying to start v e r y slowly. It's possible that she felt that it's too early (before you trust her and knowing that it's going to be very difficult to do that at the outset) to dive into this. But I can see from your perspective that you might need to do this *in order* to be able to trust.

I think, though, you're going to have to tell her how you feel in person. A lot of therapists really prefer to talk things through -especially the most intense and difficult things- in person, which doesn't mean she responding in person to what you wrote, but you expressing to her in person what you feel and she responding to that.

I think this is going to be a slow process and it's going to be hard to trust her. I know you feel vulnerable about the e-mail, but maybe think of it as that she has it, read it, gets it, is holding it for you, for a time when you feel more comfortable talking to her about it.

What did you talk about while you were playing the game? Did it help a little as an ice breaker?
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1
  #4  
Old May 30, 2013, 01:17 AM
tinyrabbit's Avatar
tinyrabbit tinyrabbit is offline
Grand Wise Rabbit
 
Member Since: Feb 2013
Location: England
Posts: 4,084
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miswimmy1 View Post
In short, I think that in itself deserved a conversation. But no mention of it whatsoever.

i am very frustrated that this new t too doesn't seem to be listening either
Is she not listening? Or are you not talking? She didn't bring it up - but you didn't either. Emailing doesn't necessarily mean you want to talk about it. It could mean you DON'T want to. Maybe she was taking her lead from you?
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1
  #5  
Old May 30, 2013, 04:38 AM
Anonymous100110
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
You are going to need to actually speak to this therapist. If you weren't talking, she was probably taking your lead and taking it slowly with you, assuming that you wrote the email because you aren't ready to talk about it yet. You write things in your post like "I told her" "I was showing her", etc., but if you didn't actually speak these things to her, she was only trying to respect your need to go slowly as your not bringing them up verbally seemed to indicate.

In another thread you said you hate this therapist. In this thread you say you won't be able (I read that as "willing") to be able to work with her efficiently. This is going to sound harsh, but you are going to have to make a decision as to what is more important here: being angry at this therapist because she isn't your old T, or finding ways to communicate and cooperate with this new T so that YOU can continue working on YOU. Right now it just seems like the biggest impediment to your healing is your unwillingness to even consider that this T might have something new and helpful to offer you.

I wonder if you somehow feel you are betraying your old T if you give this new T a chance. I might be off there, but it would fit with the intensity of the reaction you are having.

I know this situation isn't what you want, but it is what it is. You can to continue to put your back up and be uncooperative with this whole situation, or you can decide to truly give the situation a chance. The healing from your old T relationship doesn't (and really won't and can't) happen prior to starting with this therapist. It is going to be a slow and gradual process that will only come with time.

It seems like you are demanding it all happen NOW, but perhaps your care team is right in only dealing this out in very small bytes. They know nothing they tell you right now, no information they give you now is going to heal the open wounds you have. They know it is going to take time and right now want you to focus on YOU, which is most important. Are YOU willing to focus on YOU?

Last edited by Anonymous100110; May 30, 2013 at 04:51 AM.
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1
  #6  
Old May 30, 2013, 06:48 AM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,966
Another possibility to consider:

New T does not want to reenact old T, where so much happened by email. Therefore new T is not responsive to your email, but waits (as suggested above) for you to initiate discussion in person.
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1
  #7  
Old May 30, 2013, 02:35 PM
Miswimmy1's Avatar
Miswimmy1 Miswimmy1 is offline
~ wingin' it ~
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,791
that makes sense what all of you are saying... i just wish she would reach out and show she cares, because thats all i need right now... to know that someone really does care about my feelings. i think ive made them pretty clear and i know that the situation is not ideal but i really just want to feel wanted and cared for. thats how old t made me feel and thats why i loved her so much. this new t seems distant and cold.
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hugs from:
Bill3
  #8  
Old May 30, 2013, 04:35 PM
Anonymous58205
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Swimmy,
I know you miss your old t so much and I think what this new t is trying to do is to build up some sort of trust with you first before you go into the deep work.I think she is also keeping her boundaries tight because of your ex ts boundaries and your daily contact. Different ts work different ways, some ts would be horrified with daily contact and others wouldn't bat an eye lid. You say it helped you can you tell your new t that this is what you need and not what she is providing. Also can you not contact your old t yourself?
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1
  #9  
Old May 30, 2013, 06:46 PM
Miswimmy1's Avatar
Miswimmy1 Miswimmy1 is offline
~ wingin' it ~
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,791
Quote:
Originally Posted by monalisasmile View Post
You say it helped you can you tell your new t that this is what you need and not what she is providing. Also can you not contact your old t yourself?
I can try but I don't think she will listen. I've hinted and she said outside session contact unless its a scheduling issue.

I can, but old t won't reply... its a legal thing isn't it? if she answers me? she said she will only reply if my parents allow it
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
  #10  
Old May 30, 2013, 07:20 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,966
Quote:
i really just want to feel wanted and cared for.
With old T, one important way of knowing that you were cared for was through the out-of-session contact. Current T says that she won't do that. But what if she were to show in session that you are wanted and cared for?
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1, ultramar
  #11  
Old May 30, 2013, 08:00 PM
ultramar ultramar is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,486
I think with the daily contact, something your old therapist maybe didn't teach you are strategies to tolerate your intense feelings between sessions. IRL, it's not an option, you'll have to be able to do this in order to have close, satisfying relationships, so therapy is a good place to start to learn this. Painful sometimes, but doable.

I think once you *experience* that what seemed like an emergency at the time, the next day is not, you survived, you will start to feel capable and empowered, perhaps with better self esteem. Eventually, with time, you may come to feel this as a triumph! Baby steps.

There are all kinds of ways therapists (and others) can show they care, though I think this is something you'll have to experience to begin to believe; the important thing will be to be open to that experience. I think perhaps the feeling of being cared for in person, with this person sitting in front of you, attuned to you, not judging you, respecting and holding your vulnerability, may end up being more powerful and fulfilling than you could have ever imagined!

Much of this is new to you, but I think eventually you can come out the other side, maybe even stronger
Thanks for this!
Bill3, Miswimmy1
  #12  
Old May 30, 2013, 09:57 PM
Wren_'s Avatar
Wren_ Wren_ is offline
Free to live
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: In a sheltered place
Posts: 27,669
(((((((swimmy))))))))) i hope you can try talking about the things you said in the email in your session; and that you experience a difference side of new T - the caring one you yearn for and need
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1
  #13  
Old May 31, 2013, 10:37 AM
tinyrabbit's Avatar
tinyrabbit tinyrabbit is offline
Grand Wise Rabbit
 
Member Since: Feb 2013
Location: England
Posts: 4,084
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miswimmy1 View Post
that makes sense what all of you are saying... i just wish she would reach out and show she cares, because thats all i need right now... to know that someone really does care about my feelings. i think ive made them pretty clear and i know that the situation is not ideal but i really just want to feel wanted and cared for. thats how old t made me feel and thats why i loved her so much. this new t seems distant and cold.
I'm just remembering how, for the first three months of therapy, I kept thinking my T was cold, distant and uncaring. He really wasn't. But I wasn't able to experience him as caring, not yet.

What, for you, would make you feel like she cares about you?
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1
  #14  
Old May 31, 2013, 01:56 PM
Miswimmy1's Avatar
Miswimmy1 Miswimmy1 is offline
~ wingin' it ~
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,791
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyrabbit View Post
What, for you, would make you feel like she cares about you?
To show some empathy for the grieving I am going through over losing my old t. I still feel like she just wants me to move on so we can begin our work together.
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hugs from:
Bill3
  #15  
Old May 31, 2013, 01:59 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,966
What if you told her that you need time to grieve and asked how she might help with that?
Thanks for this!
Miswimmy1
  #16  
Old May 31, 2013, 02:00 PM
Miswimmy1's Avatar
Miswimmy1 Miswimmy1 is offline
~ wingin' it ~
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,791
i will try and tell her but she scares me. I see her in an hour tho, so I will try.
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hugs from:
Bill3, ultramar
Reply
Views: 1298

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:49 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.