[mixedup_emotions]

So, I've barely tapped into CSA stuff in T over the last couple weeks...and ended up having a rupture with T which took a few sessions to work through. I'm still a bit hesitant and cautious - and have been struggling outside of sessions to manage bouts of intense panic attacks.

I finally decided to discontinue group T, and I'm feeling pretty awful about it even though I can name a dozen reasons why I'm glad I did it. I am overwhelmed by all that is going on there and can't handle it, so I set a limit and made a decision. Yet, there is such anguish that goes along with that decision because it is a huge loss for me as well.

Anyhoo...

Night time is my worst time. I am consumed with unexplainable anxiety, and it is pure torture to get to sleep at night. Last night was particularly difficult, and I ended up emailing T to tell him that I am not ok.

His response this morning was, "What do you need right now?"



When you're spiraling out of control and have no idea what you're feeling or why, do you have an idea of what you need?

[Raging Quiet]

(((((Mixed up))))

I remember my T asked me this when I was in a crisis and I didn't know what to say either. Just having someone there helped.

[precious things]

To me, it sounds like you need T to reassure you that you are not losing control and that the two of you can manage the anxiety/panic. I am right there with you working on the CSA issues and you can expect all sorts of out of control feelings to creep up.

[tinyrabbit]

It makes me panic when my T asks me this, but I think it's an important question because it's giving you some control, rather than just imposing someone else's view on you.

Is there something you need to hear from him? I've asked my T to tell me if he thinks I'm doing okay, if he cares about me, if he's angry...

[WikidPissah]

The trauma t (who I never discussed trauma with) used to ask that...so I never called or emailed her. XT (whom I am really missing these days) used to just seem to know what to say. And now I have set myself off just thinking of him...grrrr.

Anyways, I think just saying "I need help grounding" may work???? If that's what you need. But it raises an important point...that being, we should probably think about HOW we want T to respond BEFORE we contact them. This would help T and US a lot. (I never do this myself, but thinking I should if I ever T again)

[unaluna]

It hasn't happened that often, or that recently, but for me it would be a phone call. I would need contact. You might be feeling this way because you are realizing you can't depend on this t the way you'd like to? He has always been a little too loosey-goosey for me; maybe your quitting group is just your first step towards finding yourself a more secure spot. It would be surprising but not so far out of character.

MUE, one time I emailed xT in that state and I knew that if I wanted a response I needed to ask for one. So I said, "If you could reply with something... somehow you always have a way of making things bearable". He did send me a response that helped.. He just reminded me that I was strong and that I had been able to work through other issues and that I would work through this one as well..

Later he told me that my saying "somehow you always have a way of making things bearable" felt like a lot of pressure to him. Go figure...he told me I could call if I was in a crisis and then it felt like I asked too much of him.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the feedback.

I ended up emailing T back telling him that I need to figure out how to deal with the craziness I feel, especially at night. That it's an overwhelming anguish that I can't seem to figure out or get rid of, and it destroys my ability to get any rest. Nothing gets translated into words. It's just stuck, and I can't seem to break through whatever barriers are there.

I told him that I came up with over a dozen reasons in favor of leaving group, yet I feel horrible about it. I'm scared that he's going to hate me as much as I hate me. And I just want the craziness to stop.