unproductive session

In short, I sent new t an email over the weekend about my feelings and such about old t (so that i could coherently explain myself when not in tears in her office). I put a lot of thought into it and made myself very vulnerable. she talked about a little bit, but nothing major. I had basically told her that if she wasn't willing to meet me halfway and explain things to me, then i would not be able to efficiently work with her. I think that in itself deserved a conversation. But no mention of it whatsoever. We proceeded on to play jenga the entire session as an ice breaker.

i am very frustrated that this new t too doesn't seem to be listening either. I told her some (of what I thought were important things), and she didn't even bring it up. I was basically showing her how heartbroken I was and she didn't even mention it. I now feel very vulnerable because I shared with her all these feelings and she has them, but is not aknowledging them. It makes me confused and angry and if I had known it wouldn't have done me any good, then I wouldn't have written them. Because now they are out and no one is helping me cope with them any more than they had before.

It may be that you have to bring it up to her in person. Have you talked to her about writing?

It sounds like, that by starting with the game, she is trying to start v e r y slowly. It's possible that she felt that it's too early (before you trust her and knowing that it's going to be very difficult to do that at the outset) to dive into this. But I can see from your perspective that you might need to do this *in order* to be able to trust.

I think, though, you're going to have to tell her how you feel in person. A lot of therapists really prefer to talk things through -especially the most intense and difficult things- in person, which doesn't mean she responding in person to what you wrote, but you expressing to her in person what you feel and she responding to that.

I think this is going to be a slow process and it's going to be hard to trust her. I know you feel vulnerable about the e-mail, but maybe think of it as that she has it, read it, gets it, is holding it for you, for a time when you feel more comfortable talking to her about it.

What did you talk about while you were playing the game? Did it help a little as an ice breaker?

Is she not listening? Or are you not talking? She didn't bring it up - but you didn't either. Emailing doesn't necessarily mean you want to talk about it. It could mean you DON'T want to. Maybe she was taking her lead from you?

You are going to need to actually speak to this therapist. If you weren't talking, she was probably taking your lead and taking it slowly with you, assuming that you wrote the email because you aren't ready to talk about it yet. You write things in your post like "I told her" "I was showing her", etc., but if you didn't actually speak these things to her, she was only trying to respect your need to go slowly as your not bringing them up verbally seemed to indicate.

In another thread you said you hate this therapist. In this thread you say you won't be able (I read that as "willing") to be able to work with her efficiently. This is going to sound harsh, but you are going to have to make a decision as to what is more important here: being angry at this therapist because she isn't your old T, or finding ways to communicate and cooperate with this new T so that YOU can continue working on YOU. Right now it just seems like the biggest impediment to your healing is your unwillingness to even consider that this T might have something new and helpful to offer you.

I wonder if you somehow feel you are betraying your old T if you give this new T a chance. I might be off there, but it would fit with the intensity of the reaction you are having.

I know this situation isn't what you want, but it is what it is. You can to continue to put your back up and be uncooperative with this whole situation, or you can decide to truly give the situation a chance. The healing from your old T relationship doesn't (and really won't and can't) happen prior to starting with this therapist. It is going to be a slow and gradual process that will only come with time.

It seems like you are demanding it all happen NOW, but perhaps your care team is right in only dealing this out in very small bytes. They know nothing they tell you right now, no information they give you now is going to heal the open wounds you have. They know it is going to take time and right now want you to focus on YOU, which is most important. Are YOU willing to focus on YOU?

Another possibility to consider:

New T does not want to reenact old T, where so much happened by email. Therefore new T is not responsive to your email, but waits (as suggested above) for you to initiate discussion in person.

that makes sense what all of you are saying... i just wish she would reach out and show she cares, because thats all i need right now... to know that someone really does care about my feelings. i think ive made them pretty clear and i know that the situation is not ideal but i really just want to feel wanted and cared for. thats how old t made me feel and thats why i loved her so much. this new t seems distant and cold.

Swimmy,
I know you miss your old t so much and I think what this new t is trying to do is to build up some sort of trust with you first before you go into the deep work.I think she is also keeping her boundaries tight because of your ex ts boundaries and your daily contact. Different ts work different ways, some ts would be horrified with daily contact and others wouldn't bat an eye lid. You say it helped you can you tell your new t that this is what you need and not what she is providing. Also can you not contact your old t yourself?

I can try but I don't think she will listen. I've hinted and she said outside session contact unless its a scheduling issue.

I can, but old t won't reply... its a legal thing isn't it? if she answers me? she said she will only reply if my parents allow it

With old T, one important way of knowing that you were cared for was through the out-of-session contact. Current T says that she won't do that. But what if she were to show in session that you are wanted and cared for?

I think with the daily contact, something your old therapist maybe didn't teach you are strategies to tolerate your intense feelings between sessions. IRL, it's not an option, you'll have to be able to do this in order to have close, satisfying relationships, so therapy is a good place to start to learn this. Painful sometimes, but doable.

I think once you *experience* that what seemed like an emergency at the time, the next day is not, you survived, you will start to feel capable and empowered, perhaps with better self esteem. Eventually, with time, you may come to feel this as a triumph! Baby steps.

There are all kinds of ways therapists (and others) can show they care, though I think this is something you'll have to experience to begin to believe; the important thing will be to be open to that experience. I think perhaps the feeling of being cared for in person, with this person sitting in front of you, attuned to you, not judging you, respecting and holding your vulnerability, may end up being more powerful and fulfilling than you could have ever imagined!

Much of this is new to you, but I think eventually you can come out the other side, maybe even stronger

(((((((swimmy))))))))) i hope you can try talking about the things you said in the email in your session; and that you experience a difference side of new T - the caring one you yearn for and need

I'm just remembering how, for the first three months of therapy, I kept thinking my T was cold, distant and uncaring. He really wasn't. But I wasn't able to experience him as caring, not yet.

What, for you, would make you feel like she cares about you?

To show some empathy for the grieving I am going through over losing my old t. I still feel like she just wants me to move on so we can begin our work together.

What if you told her that you need time to grieve and asked how she might help with that?

i will try and tell her but she scares me. I see her in an hour tho, so I will try.