[MASIMO]

VACATION....aarrrggghhhh!~4 weeks abroad.
He leaves at least twice a year for parts unknown.
He knows how it upsets me, and does what he can to
support me during his absence. I'm going to be seeing
his partner until he returns.

I still feel sad, lonely, unsafe, lost and a host of other feelings.
I know he will send me an email at some point. He always makes
contact once or twice during his trips. I have some sessions recorded
so I can listen to his voice. That helps.

I just turn into this little girl feeling left on the curb. I need to put my
big girl pants on now.....I hate it when he leaves, just hate it.
I go through a period of grief right when he departs, then go through a
period of resentment when he returns. I'm going to try to work on myself
in his absence, but I often get very depressed. I wish I could reduce my dependency on him. I guess at some point it will happen naturally. It still hurts therapist!

[precious things]

That is tough...4 weeks is a long time. My T travels often and even missing a week can through a huge disruptive wave to the process. That is cool you get an email and can see someone while he is gone. I hope it passes easily for you.

[Perna]

Plan something you want to do for when he is away, that you couldn't do with him here because you'd have to go to therapy. Then, plan something bigger to look forward to that will happen after he gets back; when I terminated with my T, for example, I was moving house and then going on an international trip right after so I was almost glad I was terminating because I really wanted to concentrate on the new house/upcoming vacation.

Think about the patterns of your sessions; do you take off work or do anything the same each week? When my T went away for her 4-8 weeks times off I would not tell them at work, would continue to leave in the afternoon each week as if I were going to therapy :-) I got a little "vacation"/early leave time from work that way. It was relaxing to be home early and able to do whatever I wanted, etc.

Too, I use to grab a handful of individually wrapped candies in the morning of therapy day and start eating them on the long drive in the afternoon getting to therapy and played a game trying to make them last until I got home in the evening from therapy. I converted that habit into a "marker" for how long T was away, I used one candy for that day and had them all together, ceremoniously ate the one for "that" week the same time each week, etc. It helped me feel the continuity of before to after and I could get a better grasp of the time passing/how much time left until T was back.

Too, I bought blue "exam books" that are like 8 pages http://www.shoplet.com/Roaring-Sprin...OA77512&rtop=1 and did a weekly "report" which I mailed the same day each week (usually a weekend day) to my T's work address.

Think up various projects like that or ways to "test" how well you function without T. Deliberately try to do things that scare you to see if you can tell if you are better able since starting therapy. Range across the whole time you have seen T so you know how "small" the time period of his being away will be.

[unaluna]

I am glad you will be seeing his partner. I know I was afraid to leave my long-time therapist, even though things really were not working. It is not really a good thing to feel the same way about your therapist year after year. I think it means you are not changing.

For example, today my t offered to give me his magic bullet (no comments from the peanut gallery, please!!). We often talk about nutrition, and I asked if he had one. He said he might even have an extra one. I think we had this exact same conversation a few years ago, and he offered to bring his extra one in for me, and I got like all goofy and told him no. But this time I was able to stay in the moment and say yes, I'm not afraid of what it would cost me to accept something from someone. I reacted like me, not like my mother and father's daughter, who was taught to always say no, never be a burden.

So hopefully this other t, since he is your t's partner, can maybe help improve your therapeutic relationship with your own t. My pdoc used to be a student pdoc who just happened to have my t as his supervisor for his t work (but not his pdoc work) - anyway we 3 were all seeing each other at the same time for a couple of years, and it was near the beginning of my time with t, so we weren't yet that close. Sometimes I would complain to my pdoc about him, and he would just say that wasn't his impression of the t at all. And vice versa I would complain about the pdoc to t. I think when we've been tricked and abused, this*helps, to have this kind of crosscheck. Good luck

[Perna]

Just one tiny question, hankster, this:



Or, this:



Okay, I have that out of my system But that's a good idea, if you can get something simple from your T (or give him something of yours to take with him) that provides a nice link? Ask him to recommend or give you a book/movie or something he liked he's done/seen and do/see that while he's away. My T idly commented on seeing "Cider House Rules" and enjoyed and I made my husband take me to it (I'm not a big movie person) and he hated it and it was psychologically very difficult for me :-) but now I think about T every time it's on TV or something.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Perna

Just one tiny question, hankster..
Okay, I have that out of my system But that's a good idea, if you can get something simple from your T (or give him something of yours to take with him) that provides a nice link? Ask him to recommend or give you a book/movie or something he liked he's done/seen and do/see that while he's away. My T idly commented on seeing "Cider House Rules" and enjoyed and I made my husband take me to it (I'm not a big movie person) and he hated it and it was psychologically very difficult for me :-) but now I think about T every time it's on TV or something.

Cute pics, thanks perna!!

But looking at the progress, the difference, in how I've handled these gift opportunities is really the point for me. The first time t gave me something - a coffee mug - I assumed it was temporary and that he would want it back. It's like, what was wrong with me that I would think that?? But really - who cares - that person is gone now. I like seeing that change. It's so hard to see our own change.

[MASIMO]

How you Feel towards your therapist evolves according to where you are at with your therapy. It might not sound like it But our relationship is constantly changing and so am I.

What has helped me in the past is to write and save emails to send him when he returns. A way of journaling to him when he is away. Also, seeing his partner who is a MSW is very helpful and interesting to hear different opinions.. I also see my pdoc next week. I will survive I just wish for once I could say i thrived while he was away. He would be proud of me.

[unaluna]

Yeah sometimes I can't tell if I am getting better or worse. Is it my imagination? My denial? My mother would say, if you're not married, you're not better. It sounds like your t bugs you to leave your h. But maybe there ARE changes happening, just not the ones we thought we wanted to happen, but that mean our lives are working better anyway. My t says, progress, not perfection.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by hankster

It is not really a good thing to feel the same way about your therapist year after year. I think it means you are not changing.

hankster has some very wise words here. Anytime we keep having the same negative reactions to our therapy or therapists, we need to explore what is keeping us locked into that same pattern, over and over. You identify this as "dependency" on your therapist and "wish" that you could reduce it. It's not just going to magically happen, I think you have to work on it.

Sometimes what helps me understand my stuckness in an unhealthy pattern is asking the question, how do I benefit from this? Most of us are pretty rational beings at least some of the time. Even depression and anxiety "symptoms" can work for us depending on what's going on in our lives.

But for you, it seems to me that you benefit from feeling dependent because you get "tended to" because of your little girl lost feelings-- he emails you when he's away, he engages in preparations with you (including recording sessions) that you can use while he's gone. A lot of energy gets spent on your dependency feelings, and if you reduce or no longer have them, you have much to lose.

It's not unlike something I realized earlier this year when my child wasn't feeling well. He could have gone to school, he didn't have a fever, but I could tell he was under the weather. I kept him home-- my husband was out of town, so it required me to cancel my plans. He got homemade chicken soup and a lot of attention from me. As it should be. But I wanted to make sure that he also benefited from my attention and food and concern when he wasn't feeling ill, so I ramped up the attentiveness in the days following his being ill. (I've now returned to my low level neglect, not to worry

My point is that sometimes we engage in unhealthy behaviors because we are rewarded with care and concern for doing so. Classic example, the person who feels suicidal and expresses those feelings. Other people, including T's, jump to attention, express concern, offer extra care. It is NOT the same thing as manipulating people, I'm not trying to say that. I think both the person doing the unhealthy thing and people's responses to it are largely unconscious. With my kid, I had to consciously look at what I was doing when he was sick and make sure that I did that when he wasn't, too.

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

hankster has some very wise words here. Anytime we keep having the same negative reactions to our therapy or therapists, we need to explore what is keeping us locked into that same pattern, over and over. You identify this as "dependency" on your therapist and "wish" that you could reduce it. It's not just going to magically happen, I think you have to work on it.

Sometimes what helps me understand my stuckness in an unhealthy pattern is asking the question, how do I benefit from this? Most of us are pretty rational beings at least some of the time. Even depression and anxiety "symptoms" can work for us depending on what's going on in our lives.

But for you, it seems to me that you benefit from feeling dependent because you get "tended to" because of your little girl lost feelings-- he emails you when he's away, he engages in preparations with you (including recording sessions) that you can use while he's gone. A lot of energy gets spent on your dependency feelings, and if you reduce or no longer have them, you have much to lose.

It's not unlike something I realized earlier this year when my child wasn't feeling well. He could have gone to school, he didn't have a fever, but I could tell he was under the weather. I kept him home-- my husband was out of town, so it required me to cancel my plans. He got homemade chicken soup and a lot of attention from me. As it should be. But I wanted to make sure that he also benefited from my attention and food and concern when he wasn't feeling ill, so I ramped up the attentiveness in the days following his being ill. (I've now returned to my low level neglect, not to worry

My point is that sometimes we engage in unhealthy behaviors because we are rewarded with care and concern for doing so. Classic example, the person who feels suicidal and expresses those feelings. Other people, including T's, jump to attention, express concern, offer extra care. It is NOT the same thing as manipulating people, I'm not trying to say that. I think both the person doing the unhealthy thing and people's responses to it are largely unconscious. With my kid, I had to consciously look at what I was doing when he was sick and make sure that I did that when he wasn't, too.

As much I would like to reduce my dependency, I believe it's necessary right now to depend on him for lack of anyone else in my life that can provide the level of guidance and support from an objective standpoint. I cant get this from any family or friends unfortunately...few and far between. I am in a dangerous situation, and every decision I make could be life altering. I really need him to help me determine if I am acting in a way that keeps me safe during this difficult period in my life as it's hard to see myself. I could reach out to public concerns for some help but I have found keeping things as clandestine as possible protects me. I have had some bad experiences with being "outed" and the time will come when this will all hit the fan.

So I think the dependency is necessary right now, I am not putting it all on him to keep me safe, there are others aware of my plight, but he is helping me pull it all together in a way that is giving me strength. But unfortunately, it's very tough when he is gone.