Couch 52 - Are you being served?

He does, and my group t does as well. They both would probably be pleased if I reached out again. It just feel so wrong for me to do so. It's so frustrating because I know that it would probably be good for me to tell them what is going on, but at the same time it is so foreign to me. Right now I think that I am going to go ice my knee, enjoy some wine, and listen to some music.

I appreciate the comments and the advice. Have a good evening all.

I once dated a woman who said she couldn't understand why anyone would ever buy a book, they are free at the library. I asked her if she had ever read a book that she might want to reread, to own, to consult whenever the fancy struck her. She said no, not really. We didn't last long.

Busy afternoon... went to see xT and then to run a shopping errand and now I am just back from my neice's wedding rehersal. My older son is an usher. My younger son is handing out programs.. I'm glad I took off the whole day from work because I have 3 dress shirts to press and I have to hem my little guy's pants (they came cuffed so i'm just doing a quick tuck up in for places to make it look good but not good enough that the hem will stay in forever)...

I'm excited for my neice and her man but after watching this production I'm glad I just have boys.

What about this?

"That's my daughter you're talking about and you'd better treat her right."

I'm feeling very angry with Madame T. But hey, at least I'm not paying her.

Why are you feeling angry CE? did you talk to her since the email in response to your card?

Enjoy the wedding Ready. I love a good wedding (with an open bar).

Thanks Ike... yeah I don't think this will have an open bar... and I am sitting with my siblings and their spouses so that could go either way... atleast I am NOT sitting with my parents!

I feel like I need a therapist to help me with my therapist.

I get sick for a few days and the couch is re-born! Feeling better, the swelling has gone down. Just packing the car for the best little folk festival in Oz.(That's Australia, for the non-Antipodeans) Just have to pick my daughter and her friend from school later on and I'm folking it up for the weekend. Just realised I'm going to surrounded by booze and drugs, will have to remember the drug management strategies my T taught me.

Sounds like a great weekend, BPA. Have fun.

Thanks Ike. This year there will be no undue pressure from my ex-h. Just enjoying the music with no expectations. Are you still sick, saw something on the other couch.

Getting better, glad you are. Missed you on the old couch. Don't go over there, it's closed. Anybody I've heard of at the festival?

Nope. I'm still processing *old* anger.

Dark of the moon,
On the 6th of June,
With a Kenworth hauling logs,
Cabover Pete with a reefer on,
And a Jimmy hauling hogs.

Ah, sweet poetry.

Jean has a long mustache.

I doubt it. It's mix of local talent and some biggish Australian acts. Folk music isn't commercially popular in Oz.

Hey couch peeps....Sorry I haven't been keeping up with the couch. Been offline quite a bit today. Just got off the phone with xgrpcoT. She is so amazing. She texted me asking if I was up for a call and we chatted for an hour.

She said that she is amazed at how I've been handling this. How I'm able to recognize T's issues yet still be willing to help understand them and work around or through them, and still try to maintain the integrity of our relationship. She does feel that he is abusive in some ways but that he also has a lot of good qualities too.

We both acknowledged that it in some ways can mirror the cycle of abuse, and I need to be mindful of it. I told her that was too hard for me to take in right now because I am attached and it would be really scary to lose him. But that I am also looking into the other options and am trying to be open about it.

She did not like how he immediately threatened termination. She also didn't like some of his responses to me, telling me all the ways I caused him to come to that conclusion, etc. But she said that we seemed to have come to a better place towards the end and if I'm willing to try it, then she understands - but that she doesn't want me to take any blame or ownership of what he's been doing. This is HIS stuff.

And him believing I have an intent to harm the group, him needing me to not address issues with him in group, etc. - she feels so angry about that. Furious, actually. She said she needed to calm herself down after reading that. I told her I wasn't sure how I was going to navigate through that yet. She said that in the whole year that she has been a part of group with me, she has never seen me have any inkling of an intent to harm. She has seen me struggle with talking, shutting down and providing help to others in the room - and she has not seen T help me in any way.

She doesn't quite understand what the script is all about. Neither do I, but T and I will be working on it together so I guess we'll see what comes of it.

I told her about how T wants me to give him a sign if I start to detach in group, so he can help me. She said that's not a very good technique. My body is reacting that way for a reason and trying to pull me out of that in a group setting (a lot of my trauma happened in group settings) could be even more traumatizing. She believes that maybe being in group right now isn't the best thing for me - that I should be working through some of my trauma in individual T before being in the group setting. That's exactly what I was trying to tell T - that I wanted to work through it in individual sessions NOT group...yet he won't hear of it.

She also said that in one way, I am acting like the therapist and he's acting like the client, and that bothers her.

I can't remember what else. It feels so good to have someone who truly understands the situation on my side. Incredibly helpful.

I'm really pleased you've got someone who understands.

One of the things that is really hard with Madame T is that no one else who knows her sees her the way I do. It's very isolating.

((( CE )))

That must be incredibly frustrating and definitely isolating. I was helped to see that it's not me. You don't seem to have anyone to provide that validation - leaving you all alone to try to figure out what's yours and what's hers. So difficult. I'm sorry you're in this place, CE.

MUE - I am glad the woman therapist is helping -but I would be worried about weird triangulation and the fury of the male t (he sounds to me like he has control and anger issues) if he finds out. I hope it works out for you.

MUE, I'm not sure your relationship with your T is healthy, and I am even less sure that the other T butting in and contacting you to try to set up the telephone call is healthy. As a professional, I would be furious if another attorney was calling my client behind my back and second guessing me.

Thanks, SD. xgrpcoT mentioned the triangulation aspect. She felt honored that I reached out to her so that she could help me through this hurdle, but ultimately triangulation isn't a good idea. I understood that. She wanted to talk to me tonight (after I emailed her) to get a sense of where I was after today's session because she was worried for me - especially when she sees all the harmful things he's been doing. Now that she has a sense that I am pretty aware of the various aspects and have a good grasp of the risks and issues but am willing to try to work towards salvaging the relationship while keeping my options open, she is less concerned for me because I have my wits about me. She did say that I could email her any time I wanted to. She knows I'm pretty respectful of boundaries, so I won't be relying on her for ongoing support.

I hear ya, MKAC. I'm not sure my relationship with T is healthy either, but now that the signs are pretty clear, I can work towards figuring out whether or not we can still accomplish the work that I need to do.

I'm not really going to try to judge whether or not the other T helping me is healthy or not. I just know that it has been tremendously helpful for me in navigating through this nightmare. It's been priceless, actually.

That's really sweet of you, MUE. I value your support!

Big hugs to MUE and who ever else needs them. Just about to take off, looked out the window and black clouds everywhere. Now I have to find umbrellas.