Couch 52 - Are you being served?

(((CE)))

Yea, exactly. I try to think...did I go to school the next day? What grade was I in? It's too crazy blurry...everything runs together. All I know is when I was 18, I got accepted into Brown and hightailed out of that hell hole, and never went back. We escaped Granite. We came out alive. We are strong.

Morning couch friends...
I will have to catch up later.
Just wanted to say Hi.
T today over lunch hour. I am ready but also nervous. There is much to discuss....

Yes, you certainly are.

Good luck to those who have T today!

Hey Mastodon...how did your appointment go today?

I hear ya, granite. I find it hard to believe too. My T says that by sharing it with others, it takes the burden of the secret off of my shoulders...and that when I share with others who care about me, they react differently than I would expect - and their feelings are much different than mine - causing a corrective emotional experience.

One of my biggest struggles is that people will view me as repulsive, dirty, unworthy, beneath them, etc. T tells me that my perception of how others view me are very different from reality, and that by experiencing the truth - that people don't view me that way - is important. The risk there is that some may actually view me the way I'd imagine - and that feels horrifying to me. He said that when I share painful experiences, I feel humiliated and shameful - while others feel empathy, caring, sadness and anger. I need to be able to allow their caring to sink in so that ultimately I can let go of some of the painful humiliation and absorb the more affirming things that are offered to me.

In theory, it sounds great. I just don't see how it works....and my fear is so great that others will judge me, criticize me, say things that would create more feelings of shame and humiliation - that it would destroy me.

I'd imagine at some point, I can get to a place where others reactions towards me don't affect my sense of self. That seems like a whole other hurdle.

I remember when I was trying to discontinue that unhealthy friendship with the woman who tried to run me over....she knew of some of my past and chose to throw it back in my face, blaming me. It was awful. Luckily, I was in a place where I was able to see that I didn't have to own that. It still hurt - and it's hard to take that risk with people.

I also don't see how talking about my past is necessary in relationships that I have now. It's in the past. But T believes that meaningful relationships involve this type of thing, because we react in ways that show that we are not aware of the impact our history has on us. Bringing those things to awareness with others has the potential to help the relationships we have with others. Otherwise, they are left in the dark not knowing why we react the way we do sometimes.

It's all so complicated. I can't seem to wrap my head around it at the moment. I'm just trying to keep my head above water and go with the flow.

Oh, and T doesn't encourage just re-telling the story. That's only a part of it. His approach is more about how we feel about ourselves in the moment....so, how do we feel about the re-telling...expressing those feelings and working through those feelings is what's important.

Alright, couch peeps....I'm on a cleaning mission....

Thanks for asking - it went well. It's really difficult, but hey, that's therapy...
I feel ashamed to talk about it in terms of being difficult though, seeing what the rest of you are struggling with.

Memorable moment:
T: So you are saying that [x] will never happen?
Apt: No, never.
T: *raises eyebrows*
Apt: Well, hardly ever.
T: *loses composure*

Darn it all. I need to paint something I've been working on for the wall in the great room, but I can't find the box that contains my brushes and acrylics. Gads...there is about a dozen boxes in the basement that haven't been unpacked. Several are just keepsakes and xmass stuff...but where the heck are my art supplies? Looks like it'll have to wait until I can either get hubby to find them or make a trip to AC Moore's.

therapy is so hard mastodon .you dont need to feel bad at all for having it be dificult.
OMG what do you mean T loses composure?

Your stuff is as hard as anyone else's. No shame!!!

And that conversation is a riot.

i would never pass up a reason to go to ac moore's lol use a 40% off michaels coupon lol

Moore's is so much cheaper than Michael's...and have you seen the new JoAnn's? They still have great material, but their craft stuff is extremely expensive.

You know....I *think* I put my paint in my portfolio bag with extra canvas'...it's only 5 tubes, primary colors because I mix my own color. Maybe it's not in a box at all...hmmmmm...

If I were a large black zip up portfolio, where would I be?
hmmmm.

Thanks, granite

I meant that he lost his calm expression and laughed when I unexpectedly started quoting Gilbert and Sullivan at him.

At that place that makes the great soy lattes (if I remember correctly)

I wish the one I see knew G and S. One time, when she was denying her wiliness, I went into "With Cat-like tread upon our prey we steal..." and she had no clue.

Ah...Starbucks...yes, better than painting! Good idea!
You must educate her. Any therapist worth their salt would know G & S.

I am not handing her money to educate her. Plus it would take forever if we threw in her lack of being well-read.

she's not well read?
Good god, stopdog, how do you even converse with the woman?

It is a constant challenge. Such a challenge that right now, I have requested that she not talk unless she wants to ask a question. Her talking does not help me. Literary allusion to her is like therapy speak is to me.

ok...walking down to Starbucks..(thanks apt!) then I really MUST figure out what I am going to do today. Since I can't paint, I am thinking I'll have to work. Arg.