[Anastasia~]

I absolutely despise myself. I think my wonderful T could care less about me. Life is life, isn't it? He hates me and wants me gone. HE hates my neediness. As do I. I didn't get to talk about home. I feel so desperate and I despise it. I don't want to feel this way. I'm really a nobody. I really don't matter. I wish I was just dead so I wouldn't have to feel and I wouldn't be a burden to anybody. IF he's trying to get rid of me, why can't he just tell me this and be forward? Now I have to go back to his office next week looking like a chump. I despise myself. He's probably not going to answer my text telling him I'm devastated. I want to destroy myself and never make it back.

I missed two weeks while he was gone, which I get wasn't his fault. I thought I was getting better but I was wrong. I'm just as sick as I ever was. I truly hate myself, being myself sucks. Work is stressful. Home is uber stressful. My issues at the time are stressful. **** THIS.

Did something happen in session?

You really do matter.

[Anastasia~]

Thank you Rayne. I am trying not to cry because I don't want my family to see me. I'm devastated. I had to wait an extra week after his vacation. I talked about some of my past. I talked about how I was still angry at my previous T and he said, "You're angry at him because he hurt you?" I said, "NO, I'm angry because he traumatized me." I said, "and he gets to walk through the raindrops like everyone else. I told him how unimportant I felt when I was young. I asked him for an extra session, he said no, he has more people because it's fall now. I asked if he had any time during the day, and he said, "no." I texted him, I give up. I texted him, "I'm devastated." "Sorry for being desperately needy." "I'm hopeless."
NO answer to that one. I AM SO ****ING ANGRY. And hurt.

[Anastasia~]

NOW I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEDNESEDAY TO RESOLVE ALL OF THIS. I ****ING DESPISE MYSELF. I HATE BEING ME MORE THAN I CAN EVER SAY. Thanks T for hurting me. Great way of getting rid of me, yes, you are smart. You know how to hurt me and drive me away. You won. I lost. I guess I"m a horrible person. You didn't even say, if someone cancels, nothing. NO reply.

sounds like youre eading a lot into things. i would give him the benefit of the doubt.

That's the worst-when you have to wait with all those painful feelings after a bad session. For some reason, I thought you saw him twice a week.

My T once told me if he didn't want to work with me, he'd quit doing so. I bet yours would say/do the same.

You were talking about the T who traumatized you 8 years ago-is that the one? Maybe that stirred up bad feelings and memories too. I understand how traumatic that can be. I feel emotions like that too and understand how terrible it all feels. I really hope he texts you back soon, so you can have a sense of calmness to carry you over.

[Anastasia~]

Rayne-
I am so upset and hurt. I just can't imagine lasting until next week. It is SOOOOOOO painful and I am oscillating between hurt and anger. No, I just see him once a week. I don't want to be in this pain, I don't want to care.

No, this T isn't the one from 8 years ago, although we talked about him today. We talked about how many people get to do whatever they want to people and just walk through the raindrops. If someone was more important than I, there would be consequences. It doesn't matter that I'm in pain. I'm such a big baby and I Feel so embarrassed. I texted him what am i supposed to do with these emotions? He usually texts me back but I'm not sure if he will this time or not. I deserve this.

I'm not usually so histrionic. I am dealing with somethings at home that I for some stupid reason didn't tell T.

Oh, no, I meant if you were talking about that T, it could stir up the self-hate and other crappy feelings that you felt from that experience back then.

It will go away, though it seems unimaginable. I get really keyed up too...it's the worst. It always helped when T was soothing, but he hardly ever was like that. If your T was tired or stressed, maybe from getting back from vacation, perhaps he wasn't present enough for you.

Still, talking about Traumatic T might have triggered this state since you said you are usually not that histrionic.Oh, I just saw you said you're dealing with something outside of therapy. Maybe you could bring it up next week?

You'll make it through. It will pass. Do you have a pet or stuffed animal to cuddle with? I heard weighted blankets can be soothing and thought of getting one someday.

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

Oh, no, I meant if you were talking about that T, it could stir up the self-hate and other crappy feelings that you felt from that experience back then.

It will go away, though it seems unimaginable. I get really keyed up too...it's the worst. It always helped when T was soothing, but he hardly ever was like that. If your T was tired or stressed, maybe from getting back from vacation, perhaps he wasn't present enough for you.

Still, talking about Traumatic T might have triggered this state since you said you are usually not that histrionic.Oh, I just saw you said you're dealing with something outside of therapy. Maybe you could bring it up next week?

You'll make it through. It will pass. Do you have a pet or stuffed animal to cuddle with? I heard weighted blankets can be soothing and thought of getting one someday.

Rayne-- Thank you so much. This really hurts, it's not just me being clingy. I don't think T is going to reply to me again. T was fine in session, I knew when I left that I was feeling off. Yes, I will bring up what I'm dealing with next week. I have my beautiful black pup. Thank you so much for your help. I had made so much progress and I"m back where I was. ugh. THank you.

[Argonautomobile]

I'm sorry you feel this way, Anastasia. It is the absolute depths-of-hell worst. Being you is the one thing you can't get away from, ya know?

I hope you're able to work through this, remember what you like about yourself, and take care.

[Anastasia~]

Argo- thank you. I don't want to care anymore. I'm in too much pain all because someone can't get me in for a session. I am devastated that I am like this. I don't know what I did.

[Argonautomobile]

You didn't do anything wrong. Emotions suck. Sometimes things are hard. Do you have anything you do that makes you feel better? Watching cat videos? Taking a walk?

[Anastasia~]

Argo- I do like looking at animal videos I'm totally fine today. My episodes now just last for an evening or night, but yesterday I was in so much pain and misery. Today, I'm grounded and fine. Work gave me a lot to focus on and do. I didn't think about last night at all today, it was nice. Thanks to all that helped. I appreciate all of you.

Would it help to see a psychiatrist? Despising yourself is depression that a T might not be able to talk you out of.

[nottrustin]

Sounds like a painful situation. But you do matter. Hopefully you are able to talk to T and find out this is a misunderstanding. Until then we are here to support you

Glad to see you doing better!

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

Would it help to see a psychiatrist? Despising yourself is depression that a T might not be able to talk you out of.

I did just see a psychiatrist and take antidepressants and I take abilify to help it. Thanks for the idea. Self-hatred is a part of my personality disorder, unfortunately.