[Mapleton]

Does anyone mind if I have a little pity party?

I think I would trade so much for the abillity to communicate more 'normally' whatever that is, where people recognized that I was more like them than not.

I try, oh so very hard, to mimic the human connection that, I think, I've been missing so long. I know that probably everyone will read this, and think "what are you talking about?". You get plenty of replies "and and and".

The times I want to have said something smart yet human, it seems like no one noticed, or I got it wrong... Or a million other possibilities, and I sit with my OCD refreshing, hoping that someone... anyone could see this struggle and pain. Every failure is magnified a million times. I know it's a little selfish. Im sorry. I can't help it.

Thats why therapy is so scary a concept; what if I this happens the same way in therapy? What if I'm rejected there the same way. What if I'm abandoned? Will I be an annoying space in a calendar with a day and a date, and a frowning doodle drawn beside? What if I don't get to see someone often enough to feel like The neuroses don't build up?

I'm not a dramatic person, although I recognize that this post was grade A self pity. I know there are a lot of people here. I don't want to be a 'special' person, just that I can find a way to be valued, recognized and simply put, 'human', rather than this exhausting effort to be one. M.

[stopdog]

I think a lot of people feel that way from time to time. I think it is not an unusual thing, even though not pleasant, to feel sometimes.

How were the kofte kabobs.

[Willowleaf]

You say you don't want to be a special person. I think we all deserve to be special. Why should some people feel more special than others, although I get what you meant about therapy. I still struggle with it and even after 3 years feel that my t must feel like that about my appointments, but recently we have started to really work on these feelings. I think therapy is the best place for them. I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think a lot of people feel that way from time to time. I think it is not an unusual thing, even though not pleasant, to feel sometimes.

How were the kofte kabobs.

Thank you so much for asking. They were quite a bit of work, but that will be so much less next time, now that I know how.

They were awesome, and I would have made and shared them with everyone. They were that good. You know how you really can't make gyros at home? These don't have quite the same satisfying texture, but were better tasting than a gyro.

[WePow]

I adore your honsety! I suspect most people feel what you describe, they are just not able to share or express that feeling. We, humans, need validation from others. It is part of survival itself.

The problem comes when we do not feel validation ( safety in a pack ) we go into an internal fight/flight/freeze state. This can manifest in numerous ways such as fighting others to prove worthiness to be included in the group, or flght from the group in a hope that someone will miss them and come assist by bringing them back into the pack. Both have the same goal of being validated by the group.

One of my toughest lessons in life was to learn how to see the validation of others in ways i may not have seen before. It may not be direct validation, but it is just as real and valid. For example, just the act of living in a comunity depends on the group. Someone needs to be the police. Someone needs to make food. Make a list of how many different types of people validate your life because they do what they do for the whole. Unless they start putting out a sign at the grocery stores saying everyone except you can shop there, you are validated.

The second thing that helped me was being able to start self-validation. Almost everyone wants to be acknowledge for the special gifts they bring to the table. The secret on this is to start finding ways to celebrate the gifts of others first.

Being able to verbalize the positive aspects of others teaches us how to celebrate our own gifts.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

You say you don't want to be a special person. I think we all deserve to be special. Why should some people feel more special than others, although I get what you meant about therapy. I still struggle with it and even after 3 years feel that my t must feel like that about my appointments, but recently we have started to really work on these feelings. I think therapy is the best place for them. I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

I hear what you're saying about deserving to be special, but... There is this thing called 'theory of mind', which is this thing that is a deficit in autism, but normal in everyone else, I think.

Theory of mind is essentially when you can connect that not only you have experiences and feelings, but that other people do too. It's not that I don't know, but it's a conscious and not an automatic thing for me, so when I say...

I don't want to be special, I mean also, that I recognize that I have to not be 'too special' or just effectively on my own, emotionally.

Your post meant a lot, thank you.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by WePow

I adore your honsety! I suspect most people feel what you describe, they are just not able to share or express that feeling. We, humans, need validation from others. It is part of survival itself.

The problem comes when we do not feel validation ( safety in a pack ) we go into an internal fight/flight/freeze state. This can manifest in numerous ways such as fighting others to prove worthiness to be included in the group, or flght from the group in a hope that someone will miss them and come assist by bringing them back into the pack. Both have the same goal of being validated by the group.

One of my toughest lessons in life was to learn how to see the validation of others in ways i may not have seen before. It may not be direct validation, but it is just as real and valid. For example, just the act of living in a comunity depends on the group. Someone needs to be the police. Someone needs to make food. Make a list of how many different types of people validate your life because they do what they do for the whole. Unless they start putting out a sign at the grocery stores saying everyone except you can shop there, you are validated.

The second thing that helped me was being able to start self-validation. Almost everyone wants to be acknowledge for the special gifts they bring to the table. The secret on this is to start finding ways to celebrate the gifts of others first.

Being able to verbalize the positive aspects of others teaches us how to celebrate our own gifts.

Thank you. My assessment MSW said she thought I had incredible openness, and maybe I should do something related to counseling. I agreed but felt inside that I was still holding so much in, so what did she see?

I think Ive dealt with stuff intellectually, so I have that going for me

Thank you for your post. It's incredibly insightful, and every word rings true. I'll try to internalize what you've written... because those are the kind of things that seem obvious to help, but aren't so obvious when you're stuck.

I'm glad you're on your way to healing WePow

[Yoda]

[jkbob]

Originally Posted by Mapleton

I think I would trade so much for the abillity to communicate more 'normally' whatever that is, where people recognized that I was more like them than not.

Do I know this feeling! I always get that people think I'm weird and while I'm not unlikable, I think my differences ostracize me from close relationships.

Originally Posted by Mapleton

I sit with my OCD refreshing, hoping that someone... anyone could see this struggle and pain. Every failure is magnified a million times. I know it's a little selfish. Im sorry. I can't help it.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one and don't you just hate how something so little can carry so much weight. And you sit there thinking "please reply, please anyone?..."

Originally Posted by Mapleton

Thats why therapy is so scary a concept; what if I this happens the same way in therapy? What if I'm rejected there the same way. What if I'm abandoned? Will I be an annoying space in a calendar with a day and a date, and a frowning doodle drawn beside? What if I don't get to see someone often enough to feel like The neuroses don't build up?

One of my biggest fears is that I'll get too needy in T. That I will be "that" client and that my appointments will be dreaded. Then what? I start to rely on my T and then she's not there when I need her. So then what? I would have been better off never expecting/hoping for the support.

Originally Posted by Mapleton

I don't want to be a 'special' person, just that I can find a way to be valued, recognized and simply put, 'human', rather than this exhausting effort to be one.

You are not alone.

(((hugs)))

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Mapleton

I try, oh so very hard, to mimic

I would stop with the mimicry; it is covering up and obfuscating the wonderful Mapleton who is trying to see what's where, who Mapleton is, and how to walk, talk, and chew gum at the same time.

Unfortunately, a lot of us don't learn how to communicate and interact well when we're children or we have special needs problems, etc. and our learning task takes longer or starts later. But mimicking others only works when we're starting out as very young children; we mimic our parents (and look where THAT got us :-) and learn good stuff or, not so much? Later, when we're older we are all turned around so knowing who to mimic, how can we if we don't know the principles in the first place?

Mimicking (T and other people we know/trust) can come later after we get all this stuff off us that doesn't fit. Our mothers dressed us funny and we can't just put more clothes on top of the ugly ones?

The times I want to have said something smart yet human, it seems like no one noticed, or I got it wrong... Or a million other possibilities, and I sit with my OCD refreshing, hoping that someone... anyone could see this struggle and pain. Every failure is magnified a million times. I know it's a little selfish. Im sorry. I can't help it.

This. Really well put. I wish I could say something brilliant in response (I've started about four different posts) but hopefully it counts for something if I say that it's something I can relate to so much.

I've come to like you a great deal, Mapleton, even though I know nothing about you.... and even though you have on occasion made me confused ("did I write that post? Oh, right, no, it was the other Ma[...]on" ) You have a voice, which is yours. Sometimes our voices drown here, but you are seen. And I know what you mean by not wanting to be special, too.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Sometimes our voices drown here, but you are seen.

Your voice is seen - how's that for a mixed metaphor?

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Your voice is seen - how's that for a mixed metaphor?

See You On The Radio - CBS News

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

This. Really well put. I wish I could say something brilliant in response (I've started about four different posts) but hopefully it counts for something if I say that it's something I can relate to so much.

I've come to like you a great deal, Mapleton, even though I know nothing about you.... and even though you have on occasion made me confused ("did I write that post? Oh, right, no, it was the other Ma[...]on" ) You have a voice, which is yours. Sometimes our voices drown here, but you are seen. And I know what you mean by not wanting to be special, too.

The thing your parents or school never tell you (or at least didn't tell me,) maybe because they figured that its so self-evident...

the size of the gesture that you put out, or receive, is utterly irrelevant to the size of the emotion that gesture evokes.

I guess if everyone knew how important everything was, no one would get anything done, and maybe our job is to get the f*** over the small stuff. The problem is, for some of us, when there's no big stuff, the small stuff is all you can sweat.

And thank you for your reply. I didn't know because I couldn't read your mind, but its very fulfilling to hear that.

I feel terribly guilty that I can't respond to absolutely everything, absolutely as fast as I would like too, but that's another post! (and I will get to everything... that I can keep in my awful working memory... eventually.)

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by jkbob

Do I know this feeling! I always get that people think I'm weird and while I'm not unlikable, I think my differences ostracize me from close relationships.

Well, you're pointing out, I'm not alone... Which means neither are you . I'm hoping that I get some release and the same for you.

One of my biggest fears is that I'll get too needy in T. That I will be "that" client and that my appointments will be dreaded. Then what? I start to rely on my T and then she's not there when I need her. So then what? I would have been better off never expecting/hoping for the support.

Yeah. I guess I've read enough to realize that the trust/transference thing in therapy is important. I plan to address it up front... Hopefully not sounding too weird. I'm going to say that I'd like to test how she really feels about the worst parts of me and see what she says. Basically letting her decide how to respond to my trust test rather than secretly testing her.

It helps that she's new and that I'm prepared for that. I'm not sure how i'll handle 'needy' and 'i need more help than you offered' without sounding incoherent though.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would stop with the mimicry; it is covering up and obfuscating the wonderful Mapleton who is trying to see what's where, who Mapleton is, and how to walk, talk, and chew gum at the same time.

Unfortunately, a lot of us don't learn how to communicate and interact well when we're children or we have special needs problems, etc. and our learning task takes longer or starts later. But mimicking others only works when we're starting out as very young children; we mimic our parents (and look where THAT got us :-) and learn good stuff or, not so much? Later, when we're older we are all turned around so knowing who to mimic, how can we if we don't know the principles in the first place?

Mimicking (T and other people we know/trust) can come later after we get all this stuff off us that doesn't fit. Our mothers dressed us funny and we can't just put more clothes on top of the ugly ones?

As always, Perna, a pitch perfect and wise reply. I kind of agree that mimicking is not ideal. The problem is that being the "real Mapleton" didn't work out so well in childhood or early adulthood. This is less painful.

I understand the real solution is to fix the injury that got me here. Wish me luck and the same to you.

[FeelTheBurn]

Or maybe, Mapleton, this is a good time to just sit back and receive all the positive feedback coming your way! I echo it--in the short time I've been here, your posts have stood out as thoughtful, insightful, reasoned, and very, very human. Needing and wanting connection, being seen, is something that resonates with most of us. And, speaking for myself, my urge to respond to your original post was instantaneous and full of feeling: I wanted right away to make sure you knew that I have very much valued your presence here, and that your ability to communicate your struggles has helped illuminate my own. So take a minute and soak in a little "virtual love."

[WikidPissah]

Gads...do I understand that! For what it's worth, I think what you have written is quite human, and touching.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Mapleton

Thank you so much for asking. They were quite a bit of work, but that will be so much less next time, now that I know how.

They were awesome, and I would have made and shared them with everyone. They were that good. You know how you really can't make gyros at home? These don't have quite the same satisfying texture, but were better tasting than a gyro.

They sound good. I may try to make some myself now.

[WikidPissah]

I really need to make some tofu gyros.

[granite1]