[thawing]

Ok so I've been suicidal before so that itself wouldn't come as a surprise to my therapist. Lately it's changed a little from a rash impulsive feeling I get when things are particularly bad to something that feels more logical and thought out. The only thing that's stopped me in the past is how it would affect my family and friends but I'm making preparations to make it easier for them.

The actual point of this post isn't for people to try and persuade me not to do it. It's just that I'm confused about it myself. I want to tell my therapist and talk to her about it. It makes me wonder whether I actually do want to do it. I don't want her to think I'm just saying it or just looking for attention. But then maybe by talking about it I am just looking for attention? It worries me to be honest, I've spent the day clearing out my bedroom so it's less for my family to do later and it worries me. But then surely if I'm worried about it it means I don't actually want to do anything?

Another thing of note is that the planned date isn't imminent. It's over a month away (I think). I don't want to be hospitalised because I NEED to be left to my own devices.

I just don't know how to bring it up or what to say or how to tell her. My appointment is tomorrow and I want to tell her, but how?

[BlessedRhiannon]

I think that if you're doing this much planning, then you definitely need to talk to your T about it. Maybe you could say to your T that you're safe right now, but really worried about some of the thoughts you've been having, and see where the conversation goes from there. Being worried about it is a good thing, but all the planning is not. My therapist has told me that she never views a client talking about suicide as "just looking for attention." She views it as the client saying "I'm in this much pain and I don't know how to cope." Looking for attention isn't necessarily a bad thing anyway...it means that you want someone to notice your pain and help you with it.

I will say this - nothing you do will make it easier on your friends and family. My brother took his life 12 years ago. He had it all planned out very well, had disposed of his property, there was very little for the family to do but grieve. It did NOT make it easier. It actually made it harder, because it was so obvious that he'd planned this out, and as his big sister, I'd always watched out for him. I missed all that planning he did, and I STILL feel guilty for missing it. I still feel like I should have noticed, should have seen what was happening with him, should have tried to talk to him or gotten him help or something. That guilt is probably never going to leave me. It has faded over the years, but it's still there, over a decade later.

[anilam]

Please, talk to your T about it. Stress that you are safe for now- that should be enough for her not to report. She may want you to sign/ promise you won't kill yourself for some time.
I really think talking about it might help you review this decision- and reviewing it needs cause it is stg that can't be taken back.
And as BlessedRhianon already said there's nothing you can do to make it easier for others- imagine s.o. close to you commited SUI- can you think of anything that would make it easier for you? I know I can't.
I do agree that this choice is yours to make, however, I think that you should be aware of all the consequences...

[Willowleaf]

You say you are feeling confused about it hence the post. I have had the same confusion and my t says much the same as Rhiannon's about it demonstrating the amount of pain you are in. If you could talk about it I'm sure it'll help. I had a conversation very similar to that which you are describing and the things it bought up were really beneficial. She was also suprised about how strong my beliefs were about some things. Please try it if you can as even these confused is it attention or not feelings want to and deserved to be heard.

[tinyrabbit]

What's wrong with wanting attention - namely wanting your T to attend to your feelings and listen? It's a myth that wanting attention means you shouldn't get any. I think you are right to want attention regarding this.

[PeeJay]

I went through this too. I'm so sorry that you are in this place.

I told T this after the fact:

"Part of me wanted to live and part of me wanted to die. Part of me was planning for my own death while the other part fed me and went to work as if life would go on. Those parts were in disagreement over everything but one thing. The one thing they agree on is that I should not tell a therapist of my plans. The part that wants to die does not want to be thwarted and the part that wants to live does not want to be hospitalized and face a work disruption and humiliation in front of my family and further lose what I have to live for."

My T was amazing and took it in stride.

People who are suicidal are deeply ambivalent -- there's a part that wants life and a part that can't cope anymore. I think that people who seek suicide don't truly want to die, but what they want is a way to end the pain. Their pain exceeds their resources for coping with that pain. And that's not their fault. I cry just thinking about this struggle of mine.

This Web site helped me to understand that.

metanoia (dot) org (slash) suicide
(The forum won't let me post the link because I'm still too new to these boards)

You have good days ahead. Bless you.

[thawing]

I told t. I don't remember how much I told but I think I said I'd made up my mind to do it? I remember saying it would be easier for those around me and she disagreed. I really don't remember much else which is very frustrating. I didn't get hospitalised, she asked if I felt safe (yes) and if I had any immediate plans (no) and she let me go. It felt like a lot of the session she was giving pep talks on how things will get better again etc which don't really affect me at all because I just don't believe her so I kind of zone out. And she kept on telling me to go to A&E or my GP if I do feel unsafe which irritates me, because although I know she has to say that, I know and she knows I won't do that yet she still says it.

I think I've come to the conclusion that suicide is something I have to do, I need to do and I want to do. But there is part of me that must still have hope and want to live, because I'm at the stage now where I do want to talk about it to my t even if it means hospital or other consequences. It's confusing and I don't understand but I think that explains why I do want to talk about it, even if it will thwart my plans. Session again on Monday and I am psyching myself up to be as open as I can.

[Moodswing]

I attempted suicide Super Bowl Sunday 1999 and it SUCKED waking up in the hospital alive. Work out your issues now in therapy and just don't do it.

[WePow]

I do believe strongly in the right to choose life. i am also someone who believes that the choice must be made with honor and respect to everyone impacted by that choice.
There should be NO harm done to the innocent in any way, shape, or form.

The T is bonded to a client through not just being paid, but their connection with their client on an emotional level. Clients do not always get to see what is inside the heart of a T.

The choice is always there. Just do the right thing...

[archipelago]

There do seem to be two basic suicidal modes just as you describe. One is impulsive and one more "philosophical" or detached. Of course that detachment can be like a dissociation, not letting the emotion be felt. The only way to break through that is through human contact I think or some kind of breakthrough on one's own.

Since I've been on both sides, both in that mode and also a suicide prevention hotline worker, I understand what it's like. I can only say the obvious. Suicide is not undoable. It's permanent. And it affects a lot of people in very negative ways. People who know others who have died this way are 40 times at greater risk themselves for depression or even suicide.

I think it might be good to call one of these hotlines and talk more about it. They are so used to talking about suicide that it wouldn't be hard to be open. It's anonymous and free. Plus you can call as many times as you want. People will understand; they have been trained and have experience so it might be helpful.

[WikidPissah]

(((thawing)))

Just keep talking to T about it. Keep being open.

and...I know you don't want to hear this, but your family will be in torment whether they have to clean your room or not. It's never a clean break. never.