Couch 53 Bringing it All Back Home

Not that I have an agenda today or anything , but I think this is REALLY important to note. The way a man treats his children has a HUGE impact on the emotional well being of the children. I also recently read this article: University of Michigan News Service | Damage to abused mothers' children starts early, is often severe for one of my domestic violence cases. "Damage to abused mothers' children starts early, is often severe."

This is a website I have referred clients to as well: ACADV: Children And the Effects of Domestic Violence
It discusses the affects of domestic violence on children and it gives a lot of information on shelters and other resources.

I'm getting off for the day, hopefully. Hope you guys have a good day.

You too, mkac. Just so you know, I don't think you were *****y to me, you were putting things into proportion. FWIW.

[I still think I am right about what I said, mind, but on a different scale, perhaps.]

We will, but you too! And thank you, I agree.

Jkbob,

I have a friend who was in a somewhat similar situation. I do know how hard it can be to do what needs to be done to be safe. I get that but I want to caution you...

If you think there is a chance he will harm or has harmed your kids and you don't do anything about it... child protective services could take the children away from both of you... your H for what he did and from you for not protecting them...

The way my friend made it out of the situation was that "someone" made an anonymous tip to child protective services... and the kids were old enough to say what the dad had done to the mom and that they were afraid of him... and child protective services took the dad out of the house and changed the locks...

It started the process for her...

But if you truely fear for your life... then take your kids and go to a domestic violence center where they will protect you..

Wow my stomach is tied in knots... and I'm so anxious ... this really triggers me..

Are you talking about the jkbob thing? Or what I wrote? I'm a little paranoid about sharing sometimes. Either way, I'm so sorry. People all too frequently suck at life.

Not the wrong thing to say, imo. It's what you're feeling for whatever reason. It's not an ugly contest

I know this and I have been honest with my T. He has not harmed or attempted to harm the kids. I do realize that being in that environment can be hurtful and for the most part they are sleeping when stuff happens which is NOT all that frequently. I also realize that they could get caught in the crossfire and I've made it clear to my T that if something happened to one of the kids, that would be the final straw for me. I am not giving up. I believe my H can be an honest and loving man. He has proven this to me and I want to give him the chance to "be better."

Take care

Maybe this thread part should be moved to relationships? Gotta go, I have t.

jkbob... is H in therapy? anger managment? anything to suggest he is working at "getting better" Its near impossible to do on his own...

I can understand the not wanting him to go to jail... but how about taking you and your kids out of the environment until such time that H completes a certain amount of t... go stay with family or friends... or ask him to go live with family or friends...

but by choosing not to do anything you are really choosing to do something... you are choosing to let it be taken out of your hands... where I live if a neighbor calls the police about DV and they see a mark on a person they will arrest without you signing a complaint. but not only that... they will call child protective services as well.

My bff grew up in a house with DV... her mom never knew she knew until my bff was a teenager and then she would get between her dad and her mom.... my bff is so screwed up she said she used to lay in her bed and cry and be so afraid when she was little..... don't do this to your kids....

Most of my parents' fighting happened at night. It left me with the inability to trust that what I experience is reality. Kids can sense what is going on, and if it's hidden, all the worse.

Kids can see black eyes, and that is harmful as well. I am afraid they will think that it is ok if someone does it to them.

Listening to this I will say that first you are a wonderfully compassionate person, and you have tremendous courage. Thank you.

What I do wonder, is, when you say that you want to give him a chance to "be better", what resources does he have to change this? I'm assuming this wasn't accidental nor the first time? I've heard that substance addiction can be involved in this... Is that part of it? I've personally seen with my Mom/Dad that this happens in cycles, so the "sorry" can be just the precursor to another round.

I know you're in therapy. Is he? I know there are specialized domestic violence classes. Is he in denial or will he actually do something active to stop how he's hurting you and the kids?

I said you were courageous. If he will get real help, and you support him, that's one form of courage. The other form, is if he won't or can't that, you do something to stop worse from happening.

The black eye sounds awful. It's ridiculous to hear you concerned about hiding it. I'm so sorry.

One time is one time too many!

My bff's father beat his wife... my bff's grandfather beat her grandmother... its generational... do you have a son? what is he learning? what about a daughter? do you want her to think this is okay?

okay I'm probably letting my own stuff get involved in my responses.. I hope you find a way to learn boundaries and self love and respect for yourself and your children.

This, exactly... I basically wrote the same thing, except a specialized DV class may be more appropriate. The one thing, though, is HE has to see this as HIS problem and be committed to change it. Otherwise he may just go through the motions.

We all need to own our own therapy, right?

The answer is no. I keep pushing him to do something but refuses. He blames me. I get angry and fight with him and he uses that as his excuse to hit. I push him to his limit. So he says.

I am getting to the point of saying enough is enough, leave and don't come back until you are able to prove to me you are willing to do something differently. Even if that is just T or whatever. At least it would be showing me that he is actively attempting to do his part to improve our relationship.

It's not okay, and it's not your fault. Even if he did get triggered by anger he can have some self restraint.

He's displaying denial. That needs to change. I think your 2nd part is exactly right. An ultimatium may be wht he needs to finally change.. Like a separation, but don't let him him hurt you or the children in the process. Get some support so this can be done safely. Your safety is primary, or the cops have to get involved.

If you can explain that your being struck means that he needs to make the change, and he actually does it, then that's fabulous, but I'd be really concerned that he will react violently again. Don't let that happen. You owe it to your yourself and kids. So, remember safety first.

jkbob... with my H's addiction... his therapy was an ultimatum... Also, I made sure his T knew what was going on... and his stopping T has to be a joint decision between his T, me and H. this was done through a private T ...so its possible to have these plans in place even if you can't find a specific DV program.

Hopefully you don't need me to tell you...that NO ONE can do ANYTHING that DESERVES violence... especially not in a domestic situation.

jkbob, I really feel for you as it's a difficult situation to be in - and I know how frustrated people were with me when I was going through it. I made all the right excuses "it's not always THAT bad".

For me, I had a lot of fear around the idea of leaving him "on his own", taking on full responsibility for the house, our child, etc. But ultimately, the pain of staying in a bad situation exceeded the fear and discomfort of the idea of change - and I got out of the situation.

Things are SO much better now as a result. My daughter no longer lives in fear or in a tumultuous house. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I am struggling with the house. Yes, I'm in financial ruin. But, I don't have to deal with walking on eggshells and can actually relax in my own home. And I taught my daughter that we deserve better than to be treated that way.

As an aside, we too went to therapy - marriage counseling at first. My T suggested that he see a T individually and a pdoc. He did - until I decided I wanted a divorce. Then, he stopped going - saying that he only went to appease me so that I wouldn't want a divorce. It takes willingness to face your issues and work on them in order to change. He wasn't willing to do that, even though he showed up.

He hits because he chooses to hit. Plain and simple. It has nothing to do with you "pushing" or anything else you do. It's a choice. He wouldn't hit you in the grocery store, because he knows that's unacceptable. If he can control himself in public, he can control himself at home. He's simply choosing not to control himself.

How many chances will you give him?

Do you want your children to grow up thinking that it's okay for a man to hit a woman (or anyone else for that matter)? That is precisely what you're teaching them. If you have daughters, they will expect and accept the same abuse and if you have sons, they'll expect that they can hit their spouses. Is that the model you want your children to believe is appropriate?

And please, don't assume that your kids don't know because it happens after they go to bed. They know. Unless you have a 10,000 square foot house with their bedrooms at the far end, they know.

Please don't wait until he hurts a child or hurts you again. Domestic violence does not get better without really intensive help. It just doesn't. It escalates. If it started with a slap, next comes a punch, and then multiple punches, and worse.

Please, please get help now. Contact a domestic violence hotline and they can help you create a safety plan.

So I would like to live vicariously through other people.... (since I have to use most of my vacation time for my son's college visits)...

Where is everyone going on vacation this summer? What are your plans?

We're probably going to drive our son to college in Virginia. Does that count?

There is a slight chance that I will be going to SC for about a week. If that doesn't work out then I will be working as always.

It does for me, and I am from Virginia. I am thinking of the top two schools in Virginia, and both are located in quite lovely settings.

ETA - I of course don't know, and am not asking where your son is going to school. There are just a couple of schools that I used to enjoy visiting friends at when I was younger, and I still love the area that they are in.

It's one of the big ones, LOL. He was excited to get in because apparently it accepts almost no out of state kids unless they apply early admission - which he didn't.