dependancy on your therapist.

I have been trying not to get too dependant on my t. I have tried from the start after my terrible stint with t1 last year.
T has encouraged me to contact her a lot out of sessions and I have always declined because I am afraid of becoming attached but alas, the attachment started long ago.
T was horrified last week that I waited three weeks to see her in a crisis rather than ring her so she could fit me in earlier. She couldn't believe I didn't ring her and said that I like to punish myself unnecessarily
I beg to differ, I am trying to manage on my own because I know that t will nont be around forever.
I suppose what i am tring to ask is, do we have to become dependant for our therapy to progress?
I am finding it hard to be close to t, when I know whse pulls all the strings and that one day she could pull all of them from under me and I would be left alone again and to face everything alone.
She has wanted me to become attached from the start, encouraging me to ring, hugging me, telling me she missed me during the week and that she was thinking about me. T is my last ts supervisor and she must know that I became too attached to T1 and probably told her to terminate me.
Maybe i am over thinking all of this but i wonder why T wants me to attach so much.

People confused 'addiction' with 'dependency'. It's natural we come to depend on someone's caring & trustworthiness'. With time and when we have worked through these early stages that for some where never successfully resolved we become interdependent.
I've found going through all these uncomfortable & scary feelings toward another has helped me know who I am and why I was the way I was. Therapy doesn't aim to crush you or keep you 'caged'. It teaches you how to find wings & fly.

There goes that black and white thinking again, hon. Can you see that there's maybe a happy medium between waiting three weeks and camping out on your T's doorstep?

Isn't it worth making the most of that attachment while you have it? It's going to end one day - unless your T is immortal! - but so will all human relationships, and in the mean time you're missing out. I think your T doesn't so much want you to become attached, as want you to rely on her and get your needs met.

Which is scary, and something to take a little bit at a time.

But I don't want her to meet all of my needs, I want to be able to look after myself and not rely on anyone. Relying on her and then her not being in my life anymore scares me, so I can't let her in.

I didn't say all of your needs - but it seems that, to you, this is quite an all or nothing thing. Could you conceive of a middle way where you are reliant on yourself but can look to get some needs met by others?

They help us identify our needs so we can meet them.

Yes this is what I need from t, to show me how to be self sufficient and not by needing her.

It's one of those paradox's. it's only in needing someone do we know what our needs are. If you look at therapy as being an external mirror to our internal.

That is very true and I guess now I need to work on why I want to do everything myself and not need anybody.

I understand your black and white thinking in light of your experience with your last T! It's hard to find a middle ground! I didn't want to become dependent on my current T, not after going through it so many times before. But it happened anyway. I keep trying to find the middle ground but for me, maybe there isn't any.

If it's a pattern for you to become dependent, then it's something to work on with your T. It won't help to totally block her out so you can't get hurt again. We have to learn that relationships in RL aren't forever, either, and we can get hurt, but we need to connect with others anyway.

Since your T is former T's supervisor, so you say she must know about your situation with former T, I would suggest bringing it up with her. I know you don't want to do that, but then your reasons for pulling back now, from this T, would be out in the open and you can discuss them. I would ask her directly why she wants you to attach so much. Perhaps she wants to "do it right" this time, to undo the mess you got into with your last T? Saying she missed you sounds a bit much, but she must have her reasons. Instead of ruminating about it all, talking about it directly, as difficult as that may be, may be productive for you, in my opinion, of course.

It seems like you have a lot of internal conflict around dependency? Like there's a part of you that took over and acted very dependent with your last T, and now a part has taken over that is trying to stop that from happening again, so it's totally against any and all dependency? To me the most pertinent question is: WHY did that part of you feel the need to become so dependent the last time? What was it trying to accomplish or avoid?

Monalisasmile, I 100% get where you're coming from and I think a lot of people on this board struggle with this issue.

My t is very similar; encouraging contact and attachment. The other day she said "I think you're becoming dependent on me!" and I kind of freaked out.

Like you, I want to be able to meet my own needs. I am not comfortable relying on others. It has taken me a year to trust my t enough to get started in this process although as you well understand, it's probably been happening before, I just didn't want to admit it! My t allows contact out of sessions, and I have been FORCING myself to contact her one time a day, usually with a tiny little text. Sometimes it just says "hi" and she writes back with one or two words only.

I am forcing myself to do this but guess what, it is really, really helping. I am making great strides in trusting her, trusting myself, and understanding this concept of a "secure base" which allows us the ability to move forward on our own knowing that there's someone out there who really has our back. When I know my t is "there" I feel my anxiety decrease immediatly. I am now to the point where I can check in with a benign comment like "just saying hi!" even when I am having a rough time with all kinds of triggers, and even without telling her what's really going on, just one little response from her does wonders to help me. I am getting even better at saying "I'm having scary thoughts" or whatever, as well...so the check ins are helping in that sense, too.

That was a lot of verbiage to basically say I understand what you're going through, I've been there, I AM there, I fight against it 10 times a day, but I can also say that learning to reach out to her could really have a great impact on you. It sure is hard though!! Best of luck to you!

Many of us fear needing someone else because we haven't had good experiences with that in the past. Maybe people let us down, or left our lives in some way, leaving us to grieve the loss. That can be really painful. Being completely self-sufficient is a way to not let people hurt us. But it can hurt you just as much as being completely dependent can subsume you.

I used to say that I was fiercely independent. T says I've put emphasis on the "fierce." In order to keep people from hurting me by letting me down, I haven't given them the chance to help me.

No one can be completely independent. But there is a happy medium between being completely independent (and therefore mostly alone) and being completely dependent (and therefore losing yourself). Interdependence is a good way to think of it. There's no better relationship in which to develop those interdependency skills that with your therapist. Yes, at some point the relationship will end. But by the time it does, you will have developed the skills to get what you need from others outside of the therapy relationship. Moving on from your T is not something to fear - indeed, it's really the ultimate goal for anyone in therapy.

On a side note, my T has told me repeatedly that calling him between sessions for a crisis actually helps him. If I call him right at the start of an issue, he can help me work through it, but if I wait a long time, it can seem so big that it takes him a lot more work to help me through it. It's his sneaky way of using my desire to not be a burden to get me to do something that I consider being a burden.

I think my t finally got tired of me waiting to come to him overtly, saw that I was dropping hints, and finally pretty much just commanded me to call him a couple of years ago over the winter holidays. Well, to me it sounded like a command. I still wasn't sure absolutely needed to, but I was willing to do as he asked.

You know, you only need water to survive. After you pass the failure to thrive stage, the neglected among us are like those effin air plants.

Thank you Rainbow,
Your post really helped. I do have a habbit of becoming dependant. With my ex I totally lost myself and my sole purpose was to take care of her and with my t1 I gave her all my power and became dependant on her, of course she didnt like that and ended up terminating me. I will bring up this issue of ex t with her because I need to tell her why I din't ring her because I am scared of ringing her and then liking it and wanting to do it again. If I don't know what its like I cant miss it.
This week I want to tell t about this attachment issue and talk about sex, we wi;ll have a busy session.
Thanks

I had just broke up with my ex and I think I needed to fill a void. I wanted someone to care about me, so I gave myself up to t and in the past when I have done this it has never worked out.
I have an issue with people being too needy of me, so I hate myself if I am being needy or co-dependant. I don't know why but needy people really push my buttons.
Thank you Bporcupine, great post

Hey pumpking eater, thank you for your post it really shede some light on the subject and gave me some hope ont he matter, I thought I would have this problem for life and be lonely forever but now that I know it can be resolved, well it gives me great hope

A happy medium, this is where I want to get to, and eventually maybe let people in again, pull down my barriers. I want to be able to leave t and be ok with that but I know that cant happen, yet. I want t to know why I cant let go of relationships, even the unhealthy ones. I let people away with things they shouldnt be but it is because I dont wqant to lose them.
I am glad you are able to contact your t between sessions, sounds like you were able to do lots of healing Critterlady.

Hey,Mona
It sounds like maybe you are perhaps afraid to surrender to your feelings ( depending upon your T)....and I can understand why. But having said that it sounds like this T cares about you ( although telling you that she missed you during the week seems a little much)
I wish that my T was a little warmer...but who knows, it might freak me out!
You are very well spoken and give wonderful advice to so many...I hope that you can trust your T and let your guard down a bit....you will be fine