Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Jun 22, 2013, 07:20 PM

I'm embarrassed that of all the things I've told you, the first time I ever cry might be next week when we have our last session before your break.

mandazzle · Jun 22, 2013, 07:28 PM

I need you so much more but I am afraid to tell you this. Feeling like I might not make it through this...

healingme4me · Jun 22, 2013, 09:58 PM

Dear T:

I am speechless, dumbfounded and just wrote GRRRRRRRRRRRR on my FB!!!

Are they in Hibernation?! It's the end of June!!! Bears don't hibernate in June! (do they?)

Well, back to the Garden on Monday. Another late night, and I am exhausted!!!

And I hope #37 is ok?!

crazycanbegood · Jun 22, 2013, 10:26 PM

I accept that I am destined to be alone and miserable and that I will die soon.

0w6c379 · Jun 22, 2013, 11:47 PM

Dear T,

I don't understand why you chose to support my co-worker and not me? Why? Because she was attractive and her problems were easier for you to handle than mine? I am so hurt by you and her, conspiring against me.

It is so hard to face every day. I don't know how much longer I can keep up the façade.

Neither one of you cares about me at all. You must get enjoyment from hurting me somehow as you both seem to be fine ignoring what you've done. Meanwhile, I suffer every day, night and in between. The thoughts of what you've done to me and knowing it went on for months is unbearable. She had no business being told of my personal affairs. That was supposed to be confidential!! I want to scream "Were you both out of your minds?" T why couldn't you have stuck by me?? Why did you turn on me? Why would you agree to see her when you knew full well we worked together? My life is so much worse than when I started therapy.

You both have no idea how much pain you've caused me. Not that it matters to you anyway.

FourRedheads · Jun 23, 2013, 06:33 AM

I don't know what to do. And it's glaringly obvious you don't know what to do either.

herethennow · Jun 23, 2013, 10:27 AM

T,

if i say i feel like giving up on life, what will you do? if i say i want to end it with you, what will you do? i'm frustrated T.. everything is at a standstill. it's been months and i've yet to connect with you. it's been months and i'm still doubtful of everything. it does not feel like you care T. it doesn't. it feels like you care about yourself, and your position only. i don't feel like meeting you T.. nope, you never cared about me.

- htn

tinyrabbit · Jun 23, 2013, 05:44 PM

Dear T,

I'm still feeling sui.

jadedbutterfly · Jun 23, 2013, 05:55 PM

Dear T,
I am afraid to tell you how angry I am/get when you tell me that my crying jags are actually me healing. It doesn't make sense to me, and I don't want to ask what you mean.

Jun 23, 2013, 09:23 PM

I feel like you don't know what to do with me and throw these random therapies at me in the hope that one of them might help.

AutumnForest · Jun 23, 2013, 09:40 PM

Our conversations mean the world to me.

Freewilled · Jun 23, 2013, 09:45 PM

Dear T,

I don't know if you know what I should do or how to help me, or if you are just thinking about how much time is left midway through our appts...

I'm not even sure that i want to know what you think, but I'm feeling pretty lost here

CantExplain · Jun 24, 2013, 01:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jadedbutterfly

Dear T,
I am afraid to tell you how angry I am/get when you tell me that my crying jags are actually me healing. It doesn't make sense to me, and I don't want to ask what you mean.

I wonder why that makes you angry?
I've found crying to be very helpful.

HealingTimes · Jun 24, 2013, 06:13 AM

Dear T,
i miss you loads today. Only 3 more days to go, and i know i'll survive. But it still hurts.

herethennow · Jun 24, 2013, 10:42 AM

T,

i actually don't want to meet you this friday. i have gone on for a month without you.. i don't get it; why do i suddenly resent you so much?

i hate myself for this. yes T, i still want to si and still feeling very sui. i really feel like throwing in the towel already.

- htn

Jun 24, 2013, 10:47 AM

I am just a burden to my family.

herethennow · Jun 24, 2013, 11:02 AM

(((((roseleigh))))) i don't think you are. it could be the illness talking to you.

jadedbutterfly · Jun 24, 2013, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I wonder why that makes you angry?
I've found crying to be very helpful.

It makes me angry because it happens out of the blue..sometimes in public places.. don't understand how that can be part of healing

Freewilled · Jun 24, 2013, 05:40 PM

Dear T,

You know, I'm a little angry at you for implying that I might be angry with you (!) lol I mean, I was NOT really mad at you before that...and if I am hiding anger underneath, it's news to me.

I just don't know how to do therapy. Every week now has only a tiny bit of continuity. I feel like I'm all over the place. I do not blame you - but I'm mad at myself for it. Here's an idea T: Maybe you're mad at me....or maybe you're mad at yourself and you're the one who's projecting.

Jun 24, 2013, 08:52 PM

I think I get the self love thing, but I was always told that it was a sin when I was kid. Pride goeth before a fall etc. Stupid parents.

mandazzle · Jun 24, 2013, 09:42 PM

I miss you.

healingme4me · Jun 24, 2013, 09:57 PM

Dear T,

I am going to take an Ambien tonight. I cannot believe, this game. I am calling your office in the morning. I am ready to try a new med.

~EnlightenMe~ · Jun 24, 2013, 10:20 PM

Quote:

Even said maybe setting goals isn't a good thing right now as I am not actually working to accomplish them.

Millygirl -- Ouch!!! Maybe you are working on remaining stable, which makes it near impossible to work on future goals? I am sorry your T is being so recalcitrant, when are you due to see him next? This is a terrifying place to be, and I hope you can work through this somehow.

I think that your T needs to be consistent and caring to help you enact change instead of distressing you. If possible, try to soothe your part that beats yourself up, and then go in to your T and advocate for yourself. It sounds like you two didn't put things on the table, but maybe T is too "countertransfrankenT" to help you at the moment.

mixedup_emotions · Jun 24, 2013, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Millygirl

I can't believe how much this sounds like my own situation. I thought tonight there would be a repair to the rupture and my T was still a little chilly. I think my T thinks I'm a failure. Even said maybe setting goals isn't a good thing right now as I am not actually working to accomplish them. I also thought that there would be some conciliatory comment that things didn't go well lat time or some admission that T lost the temper and was a little harsh. But nada. I'm still going back per plan periodically but I think it's only at my manipulation/expressed desire vs his suggestion. My T barely acknowledged how difficult the experience was last time. And even explained things in a different way this week - different delivery entirely as if that's what it was at the time of the rupture....but it wasn't. Absolutely not.
There was no warmth. There was always warmth in the past couple years. Now I am just a drag. A failure. Not one of my T's success stories. I'm so heartbroken tonight. I can't even explain. I feel like a failure. T made me feel like a failure. I don't understand still why it fell apart so badly that night after such a warm, good relationship. It makes me doubt everything and now I'm not due back for a very long time. And I don't have the courage to ask to come back sooner. I feel like he is still mad at me and we should have addressed this stuff of the last session head on tonight. I left feeling worse. He just wants to be free from me suddenly. Out of the blue. I guess he ran out of patience. I'm not worth his time as he is such a career star.

((( Milly ))) - Wow, so similar! I'm sorry you're going through this. Things are just so confusing...and when we're face to face, I struggle with addressing things in a direct and healthy way. He's very creative with his responses, at times, and I find myself stuck. I see T tomorrow morning, and I really hope I am able to stay a bit detached while trying to work through all of this - because once my emotions come in to play, I tend to shut down. I hope you're able to work through this with T and that you're able to get your warm T back.

CantExplain · Jun 25, 2013, 12:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jadedbutterfly

It makes me angry because it happens out of the blue..sometimes in public places.. don't understand how that can be part of healing

I tend to cry in appropriate places: in therapy, at home, in the car. It doesn't happen out of the blue.

Just me, I guess.

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Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

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